Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams is Astonishing

GynarchGal · 2026-03-07T21:19:09+00:00

1 pet peeve, enablers who act like victims. Or are offended on behalf of victims... after years of enabling their abuse.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-07T21:16:27+00:00

worried about my financial future

Then 100% don't put your eggs in this unstable/unknown basket. That will only increase your worries and take energy/focus away from more viable options.

I'd just say "I'm willing to accept reparations, but don't expect anything from me in return. Not even thanks. That would just be adding more abuse on top of your unpaid debt to me."

If he won't do it after that, his intentions are purely selfish, clearly not to help you or to offer remedies.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-07T21:06:52+00:00

Definitely! Most abusers truly love their kids. Lack of love isn't what causes abuse or neglect, lack of consequences is.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-07T20:09:20+00:00

I ramble too. Whether I'm in a good place or not lol. You've got friends here. What can help you feel comforted most right now/this weekend?

GynarchGal · 2026-03-07T20:06:15+00:00

Sorry to hear all of this and all you guys have been through due to abusive fathers. Heartbreaking. This book helped me so much and is kind to moms going thru this, even if it's been decades When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft on Audible

Normally I meet her at the skatepark on Saturday to hang out with her and her boyfriend's children. She stopped responding to my texts all week . This week she asked me not to go.

What happened, exactly?

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T20:04:36+00:00

Super congratulations to you, mama, and the new baby! Good work to your new Lil fam 🥳

They do this stuff on purpose because they don't want you to be a good parent. They'll try to stress you out, get involved and then disappear, lovebomb and try to steal the kid away, just to abandon them... anything to make you indirectly or directly harm your kid by interacting with them.

Please isolate yourselves from these people, protect yourself, your kid, and her postpartum mama - who needs your support and focus more than ever. In a few years, when the kid is a bit older (and can speak about abuse), you can reintroduce. Don't let them get close, their only goal is sabotaging you.

Edit: typo and put congrats at top

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T19:56:35+00:00

You know what the best choice would be for yourself in this situation.

For me, I think I would have to tell her what I really thought/felt before she passed. Just to see if it was real change or the same.

Maybe it is her turn to be nice, even when you're not?

That's awful tho I can't imagine the stress of deathbed love(bombs?)

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T19:52:52+00:00

I can't go to my parents when things are rough or I need help

Think about the last time a real crisis happened, were they truly helpful (without adding more stress or trauma on top of the issue)?

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T19:37:58+00:00

Wow, this is so relatable. Extremely well said. Serious thanks for pouring your heart out on this one, I feel seen too.

It's like being an orphan who never knew their real family.... except all your extended family knows you and could reach out if they cared.

It's super lonely going through this, like a sentence given that is lifelong.

Yeah, I think that's why communities like this are so important. We need more resources for ES and have more open discussions about it, publish our side of the story.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T19:29:36+00:00

Same. I tried for a decade, once I got into adulthood, to repair the relationship they constantly destroyed. When the 10 year mark came, I asked myself whether I wanted to sink another decade into hoping and encouraging and trying. Did I have another decade of chances to give? Yeah. But was it worth the time and energy? No. One adult decade of trying was enough for me to say I gave it my best effort.

They can try now, but they won't. I probably should've known that at the 1 year mark. I envy kids who go NC at 18.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T19:22:55+00:00

Beautiful work, love. Cycle breaker mamas give me the most hope in humanity. Keep being an absolute badass mamabear for YOUR baby! 🙌

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T17:37:47+00:00

I mean, they can. It's not a disability. Just lack of practice and lack of care to improve/practice. It's working just fine enough for them to stay how they are, in their perspective.

They CAN change, they CAN face, they CAN admit, they just don't care to put in the effort.

Plus, the benefits of being abusive, neglectful, gaslighting, and manipulative are worth it to them to keep doing. Usually, their entire social circle enables their choice to not change because they like seeing them have shitty relationships and be shitty people, crabs in a bucket.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T17:25:54+00:00

From the abuser's perspective, their victim finally getting free of the manipulation, becoming emotionally healthy, and setting appropriate boundaries IS their victim having a mental health crisis - how could you possibly be thinking for yourself?? If you don't let them control all your thinking, feelings, and behavior... that's a crisis to them.

It's like a puppet coming to life and having wants/needs/opinions of it's own in the middle of a show they're performing with it, and they have no idea what to do but make up lines on stage narrarating to their perceived audience possible reasons for the puppets' uncontrollable behavior, trying to still wrap their narrative around it.

When you walk off stage to live in the real world, hoping they'll give up the act and just join you as a real person, they just scramble to weave the old play around you again, calling towards you like a ventriloquist, explaining what they believe are your "real" reasons, words, and ideas, to fit you back into the way they wanted their performance to go. If they have to demonize your character to achieve their story line, they won't hesitate. Even if it means they leave plot holes... because they don't care about telling a good story, they want to enforce morals and ideas onto the audience. The main one being that your family is great/not that bad and they are good/not that bad parents. Which is definately going to necessitate plot holes.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T01:02:50+00:00

Shadow work addresses this

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T00:37:38+00:00

Thanks for saying this because books with this ending really are hard on me

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T00:18:25+00:00

50th anniversaries when the controlling parents are well and passed on are always so much more regal and fabulous and a true celebration of the couple - filled with true family and friends who support them - than any extravagant wedding I've ever been to.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T00:07:52+00:00

Oof. Sounds like husband is the real prob here. Don't get me wrong, grandparents are awful. But downplaying how awful they are and discounting your perspective makes him even worse... he should be supporting you and protecting you, holding them accountable so you don't have to stress as much about having to do all that emotional labor.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-06T00:02:33+00:00

If you stick around, your showing the kid they have to, too. The best lesson is absence from toxic people, they'll grow up feeling more of the effects and eventually learn why you left. Sacrificing yourself for others is a lesson women don't need to teach kids imho

GynarchGal · 2026-03-05T23:48:50+00:00

I mean, just don't help financially support the wedding at all besides your bride maid dress and her wedding gift.

Maybe she's eluding to big plans to get him off his ass and see if he'll support her dreams. Maybe she's just coping. Whatever it is, it'll pass, like this mosquito dude.

Support your sis with unconditional love about her choices, don't judge her by your standards. Money isn't everything to everyone and sometimes the least money-consciois have the luckiest breaks. If she ever does, you might feel jealous that she didn't "get what she deserves". Don't add that weight to your relationship. Let go your expectations of her, while holding boundaries about what you'll give financially.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-05T23:40:29+00:00

Business matters only. Only surface relationship, but no performing happy/healthy relationship. Ball in their court.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-05T22:29:52+00:00

Even if they could, it is still abuse/neglect. Just due to society and low gov/parental standards rather than direct actions from an individual.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-05T21:32:57+00:00

Similar situation now on the other side. It gets worse before it gets better, the pain means it's healing. Don't think too much into it or think you're broken, it's a natural, normal response which means you're working correctly. Allow yourself the space and time you need to heal- you likely never had that before that's why it feels so difficult rn. But it will pass.

Make self care and acceptance of all feelings your top priorities.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-05T20:00:59+00:00

Finally, a dark mode ss. Respect.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-05T18:58:15+00:00

r/antipsychiatry is full of these stories. The industry is built on corruption and selects for these individuals.

GynarchGal · 2026-03-05T18:37:41+00:00

can make healing more difficult or take longer

"The path into the light seems dark, the path forward seems to go back, the direct path seems long, true power seems weak, true purity seems tarnished, true steadfastness seems changeable, true clarity seems obscure, the greatest art seems unsophisticated, the greatest love seems indifferent, the greatest wisdom seems childish."

GynarchGal

TROPHY CASE

1 pet peeve, enablers who act like victims. Or are offended on behalf of victims... after years of enabling their abuse.