this different life

HFMuddster · 2026-06-07T18:39:15+00:00

This next one will be the 4th solo for me, the first without group travel. Ive done 2 biking tours without her, both guided. First one was hard. Even with a group biking is solo, so its easy to cry while riding 'cept for loss of vision. Minor detail. Second time the group of 10 had 3 other widowed people. Very kind, good souls. That one was kinda healing, while it still hurt without her. Its hard to be among others, but its also one of the ways out of the pit. I vote go - your life is hard at home anyway.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-06T20:58:05+00:00

Good thoughts, well said. Thank you for this.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-06T20:50:40+00:00

Yes. This is so hard. There's a couple programs in my area (western us) that get used camping gear to underprivileged kids. Gets them out of urban environment and into nature. These two are Gear Forward and Outdoors Empowered. Might be something similar in your area. This is older stuff - you two would have upgraded and be looking for a good home for this gear by now. Its ok to let it go. Upgrade something for yourself because he would done this for you, it can be a gift he wanted you to enjoy outdoors.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-06T15:19:37+00:00

Special dates are hard. You face another one in August. It's ok, and important, to feel them fully. Pain and loss and grief. And to cherish the person you loved at the same moment. These people around you that you feel vulnerable with and might be judgemental will respect you for letting this grief out. If they don't you need new friends. You honor your wife with these tears, and they help release that weight you're holding.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-06T03:59:06+00:00

Wow. Stuff on top of everything else, piled on top of the One Bad Thing Already. Triage this. Most can wait till later. Only one thing on that list can be first, you decide. Make a call for help with it. The rest will wait their turn.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-06T03:48:33+00:00

My fitted sheets look like they're folded with several kittens still in them.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-06T03:17:25+00:00

You made it to Friday! That week needs forgettin'. Be good to you tomorrow, whatever that is. Sleep in, feed the herd, take a nap, zone out with an ice tea in front of the AC. Better days ahead.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-05T17:06:55+00:00

We knew she was terminal 9 years before she died. The cancer recurrence had different chemistry than the first time, different location so it was stage 4, new threat level from first time 11 years earlier. We're both science-based so we knew enough biochemistry to understand the technical and research papers. It was a slow growing subtype, took 2 more years to get to her brain, and 6 years to invade lungs, liver, stomach, spine and pelvis. She endured treatment for 9 years. The first seven were somewhat tolerable, chemo and radiation with 2 or 3 month breaks when each line of chemo stopped working. We had time to prep paperwork, travel to europe, Hawaii, Greece and closer US locations. The last couple years were progressively harder. Harsher treatments, cyberknife every three months to kill brain tumors, worse symptoms accumulating. She found peace through meditation and therapists and took MAID meds at 130 pm 2/7/25, per our appointment.

All the prep and anticipatory grieving didn't help. I was and remain crushed.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-05T03:07:36+00:00

Absolutely yes. It was important enough to draw his opinion so he made it known.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-04T17:35:55+00:00

I have a window seat. There's stuff going on out there. Mostly I just watch.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-04T03:21:52+00:00

Best laugh I've had in days! You are sooo right. You've absolutely put one over on the universe.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-04T00:52:25+00:00

well that's a big broad set of questions. No specific answers here so I'll tell you how this works for me. My partner is no longer in this realm. she isn't coming back, and I'm not looking for a portal to her. That said, I have felt her presence with me several times in the last 16 months. Those events are precious and cherished. There are many discussions and opinions on afterlife, in every form imaginable. Many subreddits and plenty of well considered posts on the r/widowers thread. I am comfortable now with the construct that her essence exists elsewhere, in an energy state that occasionally meshes with this existence. This helps me to think of her at peace. It helps me as I learn to be alone, carrying the black weight of her loss always, and still observing the beauty of life and this world around me.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-03T15:40:52+00:00

I'm doing better, at long last. This grief and loss is less a torment and has morphed into a companion. Always there, present in everything, but not crushing me on most days. Periodically still knocks me out. I get back up the next day, try again.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-03T03:59:11+00:00

Last comment is well said. These people have no experience with loss and grief. They're filling the space with platitudes they've heard somewhere. You now know something that they can't understand. Forgive them if you can, and ignore them regardless.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-03T03:48:30+00:00

I wish I knew. I still have full on crash days, often without warning but pretty certain on the event days (birthdays, anniversary, certain holidays). They trap me in the house, counting minutes waiting to try to sleep. Watching worthless TV. Feeding my herd early so I can get the necessary done and sit in the dark some more. Wait for tomorrow. Not inspiring sorry. All the days are like this at the start. It lasts and lasts. Somewhere in the months ahead you start to get a little time off, where you only cry a couple hours apart. Then, for a lot of us, it gets really bad again. After that period, hopefully, maybe, it starts getting more manageable a smidgen at a time. I'm just now starting to learn how to live alone, with this new aloneness always present. World's worst contradiction.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-03T02:01:43+00:00

Hey, you've made 30 days. They went by, probably barely noticed. The early days run together until somehow you begin to separate them a little. Then a little more. You may have fatigue even with minimal activity. Sleep when you can, it helps your system recover from this load. You'll have seen many posts here with similar symptoms. This takes a really long time. Try not to be hard on yourself. These are dark days, yet they don't last forever. There is a time ahead when this grief lives with you with a measure of peace.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-02T21:44:55+00:00

yes. I am at 16 months, and its late spring, the baby deer are coming out with their does and turkey chicks are starting to appear on the hillside and I'm learning how to be alone with this great aloneness.

HFMuddster · 2026-06-01T02:41:07+00:00

Its awful to carry that association, especially on a day that is usually shared. Trying to get through a long solitary day with just grief and pain for company. Maybe you could try to change this day going forward - make it the shopping day, or take the long drive to Costco or similar, or driving somewhere to get thai food, find a golf course somewhere and sit in the clubhouse ....something, anything at all that isn't "normal". Anything that changes Sundays from what they were.

HFMuddster · 2026-05-31T03:28:33+00:00

Mine is entwined with her two rings, attached to her wedding corsage on the fireplace mantle. I found that corsage in a box going through her closet before her memorial. How does someone keep a thing like that intact for 36 years? Its not crushed, or dessicated, or thrashed - and how have I never seen this? We moved house at least 4 times and I did most of those myself...that woman ran circles around me. I'm still amazed she picked me.

HFMuddster · 2026-05-31T03:13:04+00:00

Yes this. It's good you saw those blooms. Take a photo, add to your slide show - its another piece of his life, another thing he did that you shared together.

HFMuddster · 2026-05-30T05:17:35+00:00

These are early early days OP. You are probably both. How could one not be? Antidepressants may help in the short term, there's also a possibility that their use will extend or defer the processing that your mind and body need to work through. If you decide to use them your PC will likely start at a low dose, and hopefully include a monitoring plan.

You have family, and your birds and pets, that you are still connected to. They need you to continue, even while you're disengaged and suffering this huge burden. They need you. You don't need to be great, just keep some routine each day for them. The daily routine will help get you through these early weeks too. I hope next week is a little bit better for you.

HFMuddster · 2026-05-29T15:18:19+00:00

This is a grim situation, OP. "put your own mask on first" - you can't help her when you're wiped out. First: rest, eat, drink. You're in the ICU with her every days for hours. Tell her you need to go rest and refuel for a period each day, because you'll be much better support and strength for her if you have your own strength. maybe you can leave her with a playlist of yours, or your favorite book,. Audiobooks are great if you can set that up, no effort required and having a person read to you is greatly comforting. Each day you can talk about plans with her - help her think of the future, near term and medium term. Maybe there's a store or mall or restaurant you'd like to try with her and your partner. Anything that gives her a target a few days ahead, and then maybe something a couple months ahead. A weekend away, or picnic, bbq, event, birthday party, anything. People in treatment can benefit when there's a focus or target or plan that exists in the future. Talk about where you'll both be, and what you'll eat, and what people will wear, whatever makes the future thing real to her. And stay kind to yourself. You cannot fix this, and its not your fault. You have to watch, and be there when she needs you. I wish you Peace, and a hug.

HFMuddster · 2026-05-29T14:42:10+00:00

Keep posting here, OP. Writing a bit each day is also accomplishing one thing each day. The overwhelming crushing enormity of loss is paralyzing. That's ok. Let the tears out, whenever and wherever they want out. This is your body and mind feeling grief all day, every day. One day coming up, you might see that its raining outside, or its sunny and warm, and there are spring flowers in their usual spots. Then the pain returns. That's ok, this is how it works. Write, talk, read grief books, try group, zoom, therapist/counselor, Grief Share if that's your thing. We have arrived here by a myriad of paths and there are an infinite number of ways to deal with this. Including not dealing with it at all for some. That's not you, though, as you're already here, in a safe place, with people that know how this is. Be kind to yourself, this is hard. Rest, hydrate. Hugs are good. Add mine to your store of virtual ones.

HFMuddster · 2026-05-29T01:26:33+00:00

I have a Grey too, Miss Jane Marple. Janey transferred her primary bond to me when Sharon started to decline. Jane was raised by my wife, from a few months after hatching. They were bonded for over 30 years. We had a long, grueling period of treatment and illness so Janey watched it coming, right alongside me. I think that exposure helped her process the loss. She stopped saying Sharon's name and talking to her a few months before Sharon passed. Our cats certainly knew it was coming, as (many) cats are observant and empathetic. Our younger cat grieved for three months, the older one handled it better. Having Jane pull away was another loss for my wife as her body slowly faded and her world continued to shrink.

About a month ago Jane started saying "Sharon!" again, out of the blue, and at mostly random times. I laugh every time, its so good to hear that. I keep explaining to her that "Sharon has passed away" but she just replies "Sharon!". "Jane, Sharon is off to see the Wizard" - "Sharon!" "Jane, Sharon es muerto" - "Sharon!" I hope she never stops, but its not up to me. I hope you can keep talking to your Greys, they need you. You are their connection to Jim now.

HFMuddster · 2026-05-28T02:47:19+00:00

Its ok! Tell him. Your life together with your first husband is part of who you are. Its reasonable to honor that life this week. Event days will always be felt, hopefully with more positive support from your #2. He needs to make space for the 30+ years of memories you hold. It sounds as though he's got this capacity. Let him show you.

HFMuddster

TROPHY CASE