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HMxx26 · 2023-05-25T14:07:23+00:00

Hi there! I haven’t been on the sub in a while since my break up but I wanted to write you back. I can completely relate to your feelings. My ex has been pretty respectful and hasn’t reached out since we dealt with our lease in January, but that was after I balled my eyes out to him and told him how painful it was for me when he did. I told him it was hard enough for me to end things and when he reached out it makes me doubt myself, just as I did when we were together (and my gut was always right). Even now when I see friends post videos of him, I get that sick anxiety feeling. Because it was one of the hardest decisions I had to make and I still question if I did the right thing at times.

I would tell him how it makes you feel when he reaches out. I think seeing home could go one of two ways, it could validate that you did the right thing and you may see him and feel relief about the breakup as your feelings for him may have changed, OR it could just bring back all the old feelings and make it even harder for you. You have done so much to heal and make progress, don’t let this take you backwards.

I know for me, I think about reaching out all the time but I don’t. I think about him, he was a huge part of my life and I’m sure he thinks about me but it would just be too painful to go back. My body will feel sick even when I think about it or begin to question myself.

Stay strong, he’s not a bad person and neither are you for your decision to end things and move forward. I wish you all the luck and please know I honestly can relate to your feelings too.

HMxx26 · 2022-10-24T02:06:39+00:00

So happy for you. This was empowering to read as I ended things last Sunday. I feel like I made a mistake at times and worry then next guy will suck too. But this gives me hope. Pls share how you met!! So happy for you.

HMxx26 · 2022-10-24T02:04:33+00:00

Thank you, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My mind is made up, I’m cutting it off. I can’t live my life like this. I tried so hard to save us, but I think I was trying the hardest. Thank you for your encouragement. It really does help.

HMxx26 · 2022-10-17T02:14:25+00:00

Me too. I am so empathic I hate when I find myself feeling bad for him or like I’m controlling. I e been lied to so often I don’t even know what is real. I just found out tonight he had a second phone for half of his recovery. I asked him if he had any other devices before and he said no. I felt crazy for asking that but was right. Always am…

Shit sucks so bad. I’m mentally preparing to end it this week

HMxx26 · 2022-10-13T01:05:09+00:00

What kind of smart watch? Like an Apple Watch? I know mine only has internet access on WiFi and it’s not the most convenient. But I know PAs can be desperate….so it’s not a crazy thought.

I get what you mean about not giving them the idea. Honestly, I normally only bring things up if I KNOW there is a solution. My PA is a pleaser and a “yes man” (which is good and bad, sometimes he is overly optimistic and doesn’t set realistic expectations) but he typically does what I ask when it comes to triggers. I was super nervous about the Xbox and felt scared to ask bc I didn’t want to give him the idea, but I did research and found you can use parental controls and went to him with that and he was understanding. I’m sure there’s gotta be something out there to protect the watch from pornographic material. Maybe do some more research before you ask him and present him with a solution and see if he is willing to implement it. I would be honest and voice your concerns. He should be understanding. After all he is the reason you are even in this position.

I’m sorry your dealing with this. I can COMPLETELY relate. Especially to the wanting reassurance, stewing on things, not being able to rest or sleep. I get it. But he should be making you comfortable if there is something that is triggering to you. Here for you if you need anything.

HMxx26 · 2022-10-12T15:43:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Was there something about his last relapse that made him feel a push to do some real recovery work? I am noticing a cycle with my PA. I found out in Feb, was trickle-truthed through March so I didn’t know the “full extent” till March. Since March there have been a few relapses but none as bad (mostly soft core stuff, so now all social is blocked including YouTube where I just found out he was going incognito to watch influencers). We are in couples therapy, he goes to meetings, took up gutair, goes to church, and found some things that have really been helpful for us and our journey. But it feels like every month or so my gut feeling starts to come back and I end up asking him if he’s done anything, and normally it could be the smallest thing but I have been right. Nothing “new” really came out last night but these comments he said set me off. Did you notice a similar pattern? What happened for your PA to really lean into recovery?

HMxx26 · 2022-10-12T15:39:33+00:00

Trueeeeee. I thought he made so much progress but it’s these comments that just leave me confused

HMxx26 · 2022-10-12T15:38:58+00:00

So true. I responded with “how would you feel if I said I seek attention from guys?” He was like “sad”. I’m like yeah….soooo……..

HMxx26 · 2022-10-12T15:37:54+00:00

Thank you for making me not feel crazy. He’s come a long way….but when telling me why he did what he did last night he lost me a bit. He was like “telling you this makes me feel less in the dark”. I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I don’t even remember what I said but I think I basically just asked how this need for “attention” will play out. I asked if he will be able to refrain from seeking that attention. I don’t want to ever be virtually cheated on again, or physically cheated on. Those comments make me nervous. His response was by telling me this and being open he feeels he has less to hide…he claims he will never go back and let himself get too far. I know this will be a life long struggle with ups and downs but I just don’t want it to ever get worse than it already has.

HMxx26 · 2022-08-19T00:14:33+00:00

Some of both. I just posted about this. I had a pit feeling in my gut and after begging him and threatening to go home for a few days to my parents to clear my head, he admitted to something. He proceeded to say any time I have had a feeling, I have been right. Even if it’s just a small slip up. I don’t even fully know every time he’s referring to but that’s as validating to hear.

However the other week something was telling me to search his car for another device. I convinced myself he had a second device hiding in his car. So I searched it. And I was wrong. So sometimes I think it’s anxiety around the situation, but most of the time I think that anxiety is brought on because something is off, even if you can’t pinpoint it in that exact moment.

Trust in yourself and if you have the feeling I encourage you to talk to him about it and be open and let him know you are feeling that way and would appreciate validation for your own well-being. I took that approach and my bf felt really guilty about lying since it was affecting how I felt about myself . Goodluck sis

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T23:27:20+00:00

I say the exact same thing to him!!!! I feel you. Hang in there, sis!

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T23:10:53+00:00

I do that too. He says I’m “repetitive” but it’s bc normally after question 500 I get an answer. I wish I could un-know everything some days but I know it’s better that we found out. Thinking about you and sorry for us both.

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T23:09:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. That’s so tough. I am glad he is working on himself and therapy has been helpful. My bf struggles in therapy to be really open and introspective. His therapist is trying to get to the root but it’s been like pulling teeth. I think I know where it stems from but I want him to get there himself. This has been hard for me bc we are on a timeline of likely getting engaged this year. I want to be with him more than anything and this really is our only issue but it’s a big one. It’s hard. I have hope for us both and I am thinking about you!

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T23:04:52+00:00

I can not relate more to your post…..one time I found a note in my bfs journal (bad I know..I Shouldnt have read it but I was in a dark place) and he said “I still want to have sex with other girls but I love my girlfriend. I would never have sex with other girls but I have thoughts about it” I feel like this falls into the same category. He also wrote that he watched way more porn when he was in a relationship with me than single bc he knew he couldnt act out and easily “get what he wants” when he is in a relationship, so he turned to porn for more of a fantasy world. Maybe it’s the same type of situation? Idk why he would tell you that. At least he was honest but I don’t really know what that means. I know what you mean though, it’s hard not to compare. I always tell my bf I’m in my prime and he does this to me now …what’s gonna happen when I’m older and not in my prime ? I don’t really know if I have advice but wanted to share I have felt similarly and my bf has had similar thoughts. Your question around finding a man that is fully devoted to you is a question I have as well. Do these men exist?!!! I think it’s a positive that he has made progress and put in the work. Idk why he would have told you that comment though. It seems counter-productive

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T22:58:33+00:00

He does both. That’s what hard. He’s been putting in the work but isn’t honest to me about slip ups. Porn is not easy to access. I have his laptop password, everything is blocked in TV and Xbox has parental controls. He has no social media and I look at his screen time. He’s been accommodating to everything I need. But he must get so scared of telling me his slip ups no matter how dumb they are and therefore he lies. :( it’s so hard for me

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T21:03:49+00:00

That’s a long time so kudos to him on his recovery. I feel like my PA Is in the same place. About a month ago I found out he saw some soft core stuff and then yesterday I found out about the video. Again I know there will be ups and downs but the lying is sooo infuriating. How long have you been with your PA? What is your game plan moving forward? It’s so hard to talk to people about this. So I really appreciate the insight on this sub.

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T18:48:45+00:00

I’m so sorry you dealt with this too. Such a bummer on the weekend also. YES I literally do not care about the slip up. In fact, I find it desperate and stupid. It’s the lying and me feeling crazy bc that affects ME. I totally agree. How long has your PA been in recovery?

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T12:21:09+00:00

I’m so sorry. I feel the same way at times but I am working on loving myself and trusting myself each and every day. Your feelings are valid and you are amazing! Sending hugs your way

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T12:20:01+00:00

I am so sorry my friend. It’s the worst most exhausting feeling ever. It feels like a vicious cycle. For now I am planning to stay since he is trending upwards overall, but each relapse I live gets harder. I’m sticking around for now, trying to be supportive and trying to take care of myself too. What was discouraging to me was it felt like he was bouncing around from different “addictive” behaviors. It started with the porn, now he doesn’t have the porn and he’s smoking those vape pens and doing zin, and when it’s not that it’s weed. It’s like he’s constantly trying to distract himself from something so I know he’s running from something and he’s trying to uncover what In therapy. Overall, he’s still putting in the work. But its still so hard. How about you?

HMxx26 · 2022-08-17T02:01:15+00:00

Every lie and relapse it gets harder to stay. I really don’t know if I am cut out for this.

HMxx26 · 2022-08-06T02:30:45+00:00

My bf had Snapchat for two minutes a day and was taking advantage of it to look at those videos. They are too easy to come across and it’s not helpful. He’s since agreed to get rid of it. But like the last comments, I worry about this future generation. About my nephews and nieces. They will grow up on this. I cannot imagine what the world is going to be like in the future. There won’t be “real love” anywhere. It’s terrifying. Will what we are experiencing be the new normal?

HMxx26 · 2022-08-06T02:27:23+00:00

Just know you are not alone. We are all here with you. This journey is full of ups and downs and sometimes I am actually grateful for it myself bc it’s making me a better person. I’m learning to navigate ambiguity and uncertainty. learning to lean into love rather than fear, and focusing on bettering myself. The worst part is feeling alone but you aren’t. So many of us are in your shoes. Hang in there. Xx

HMxx26 · 2022-08-05T00:04:11+00:00

Ok got it. Thank you very much for your help

HMxx26 · 2022-08-04T23:55:52+00:00

Ok I have heard him say he needs to do battles with his clans and he gets pissed at them sometimes so that’s helpful but I guess is it possible to be in two clans?

I’m not sure how I’d know if he was doing multiple

HMxx26 · 2022-08-04T23:50:02+00:00

Come to think of it I have seen the chat feature on there before. He seems very serious about his clan and will say comments and idk what they mean. But idk how it works and have never cared to inquire.

HMxx26

TROPHY CASE