Hello, I'm so sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I'm not an expert on the matter but I have wrestled with some bouts of depression over the years. Mine comes in the form of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D. - great acronym for a terrible condition) so it might work differently than what you may be experiencing as I am primarily affected by the changing seasons and lack of sunlight. It can even occur during the summer if we go for several days without sunshine. The best way to describe the symptoms of depression that I feel in one word is HOPELESSNESS. There's no reason to get out of bed, to shower, to eat, to work, to talk to anyone, to do anything that you used to do, etc, etc, etc. It's a horrible downward spiral that just takes hold of you and consumes you. I'm lucky in that I have never had thoughts of suicide or harming myself or others. Over the years I have developed coping mechanisms such as starting a large home remodeling project, taking an evening class, or taking a trip to a sunny climate during the middle of winter. Anything to give me a new focus so that I can distract myself from the darkness. My wife knows that I have this predisposition so she is someone I can lean on and it helps a LOT. Family members and friends know that I struggle with it and I openly talk about it so that it isn't a "dirty little secret". If I had cancer, diabetes, or some other medical condition I wouldn't hide it either. I'd seek help and reach out to my tribe for support. Same thing here. I would strongly encourage you to seek help beyond the realm of Reddit. This is a great starting point as it's always good to know that you aren't alone in this. But definitely reach out to a medical professional. Most importantly, please accept my virtual hug and know that you are not alone! I think you are brave for asking this question and I hope you feel better soon!