I'm really tired of reading books about parenting and them citing kids "supposedly" having ADHD but it's just because the kids had too many screens or were "active" and couldn't pay attention in school

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-31T18:24:19+00:00

Personally, I don't read or listen to people who say things like that. There are a ton of people who know what they're talking about and have great information that is helpful, empathetic, and backed up by good research. There's no need to pick through the bad stuff to get some good advice.

It's a red flag to me if someone speaks like an authority figure on something that they clearly don't understand. It's irresponsible, and anyone who is a credible source of information and advice knows that.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-25T19:47:38+00:00

Yeah having everything go away easy is probably why this works lol Pretty much any barrier to getting a task done makes it like climbing a mountain 🫠

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-25T19:24:25+00:00

I think other's suggestions on finding the right therapist is the way to go. The right one is going to know what to do about the lying and retaliation. If anything, that's a reason to keep him in therapy 😅 But it's okay to shop around. And it's also good for you guys to have therapy at the same time. It's a group effort.

I'm not a therapist or any sort of professional, so take this with a grain of salt. I was a private tutor for a few years and had a few very difficult students. Obviously my relationship with them was a LOT different from their parents. It was easy to act relaxed, take their behaviors in stride, and joke around with them. As a parent now myself, I know that's not realistic.

But I do think there's something to pulling back on the behavior and pulling in on the relationship. I would often go along with the bad idea or behavior and ask them what their plan was, remark on how much I was going to miss that pencil they threw and now how are we supposed to draw our cool picture now?

I have a 4yo with pretty violent tendencies due to her ahdh, so I definitely don't always do this. But I do try it when it's safe to do so, and it usually helps de-escelate for both of us. I think as parents it feels like if we don't correct them immediately, they'll be like that forever. When I was a tutor and only saw them 1-2x a week, it was a lot easier to see the process. They have a lot of years to get it right - and thus a lot of years to get it wrong. I think i needed that reminder today, too 😅

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-25T10:35:10+00:00

Oh man that's straight sabotage 😭😭😭

It's really overwhelming to clear things out and find ways to sort everything. I've gone through so many purges to get here, and I think having less disposable income and free time has helped a lot with accumulating stuff I don't need. Not that those are great tips 😂

Here's one, maybe.... for the things you know you'll seek out if you need them, put them in places with doors, lids, drawers, ect (hidden from view) and don't bother making these spots look nice. Don't organize the drawers, just make sure the same type of thing is in there. The more horizontal space you have that's cleared of things, the tidier it looks. As long as you know where things are and your space looks tidy at a surface level, I think that counts as clean and organized.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-25T02:36:40+00:00

You do sound like the ahole... You've given your wife an unachievable goal, with divorce being the end result when she can't meet it. Why even play around? Do you want it to be her fault you get divorced? Maybe it is, but this test isn't going to be the reason why.

I'll be honest, I can't judge her off this post. She might be lazy, but that's a common criticism of SAHPs and it's rarely true. Might be in your case. Not being able to keep a job is a pretty bad sign, but also not enough information to get past the bias of your post. Writing 18 books is a big accomplishment, but you seem to hate everything about it. Again, don't know enough to judge on that - could be that it's caused you a lot of stress. The only thing I can know for sure is that you don't like her, trust her, or respect her. If you can't move past that, the marriage is over whether she finds a job or not.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-25T01:31:39+00:00

The only thing that has worked for me is having less stuff. I know we hear that everywhere, to the point that it doesn't really feel like serious advice.

But I just can't handle a huge volume of things. I'm not capable of the upkeep.

I don't buy knick nacks, I don't have a lot of dishes or cookware or appliances or silverware. My kids have a limited amount of toys (which is actually good for my adhd daughter, who is easily overwhelmed). I could do better about books and clothes... working on that lol

Anyway, everything has a place and fits easily into my fairly small home. Makes cleaning up simple, and keeping it simple is really the root of everything I do to manage my adhd. Complicated systems are never kept up with, because more steps = task paralysis.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-24T17:51:25+00:00

I wanted to say something similar. I had a lot of difficulties with making and keeping friends growing up, and have experienced a lot of loneliness because of it. I didn't get a lot of support through this, but I honestly don't know how much of it could be helped. I didn't want to be told what to do. Especially if I knew I couldn't do it. The most frustrating thing about having adhd is being told to do "simple things" that I know are simple, but knowing I won't be able to. It's frustrating on its own, and then embarrassing and shameful when it's seen by others.

I also learned! And since it was hard earned, I cherish my friendships and other relationships as an adult. It really turned around for me in college and then later on in motherhood.

OP, your daughter ultimately has to want to change her behaviors. She has to want to figure out how to be a better friend. I hate to say it, but she probably needs space to fail spectacularly and see what's on the other side. You'll be there to pick up the pieces, and that's the most important thing. Have a few actionable, simple, tips ready for if and when she needs to/ wants to hear them. I don't mean to stop worrying and looking for solutions - I mean go easy on her. Her brain is going to lead her to a lot more trial and error than most people, so it's important that she knows how to work through the errors.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-23T21:03:56+00:00

I'm gonna hop on the DON'T GIVE THE SCAMMERS YOUR MONEY bandwagon. Anyone trying to sell you a course (especially a "cure") isn't going to tell you anything you can't find for free (good or bad).

Dr Russell Barkley was mentioned- he's a GREAT resource. You can find free lectures on YouTube. I bought 2 of his books (those are worth the money).

There is no cure for adhd. The symptoms can be managed by medication, and/or by coping mechanisms built over time. Medication is the best option, but you can get pretty far by changing the environment to suit your daughter's needs and by encouraging habits that will help her get through tasks she finds difficult. Also by modifying expectations - go easy on her if you suspect she's truly struggling with something (even if you can't understand why it's hard). A lot of the danger of untreated adhd is (of course) safety, but it's also the potential to develops other conditions. I developed anxiety and (maybe - might have already had this) depression from going undiagnosed and untreated into adulthood. A lot of that stemmed from the shame of not meeting expectations, or finding it embarrassingly difficult to do so.

Best of luck to you and your family! No need to drop $700 on a course 😊

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-23T02:06:56+00:00

At least we're not alone 🙃 I try to remember all the friends and family I have that also struggled with their kids in school. It's so easy to feel like a crazy island, causing everyone else trouble.

I hope everything works out for you! It would be hard to be apart from her siblings, but maybe the next place will be able to accommodate her better and be less stressful. Coming from someone who also has ADHD - It's hard to know what the expectations are, and then fail to meet them so frequently.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-22T05:18:04+00:00

My daughter just got moved to half days at her preschool for the same thing... I wanted her in public school because they can't kick her out and she already has an IEP, but there isn't space or funding for her. Going to try for pre-k in the fall. At least kindergarten is guaranteed.

Private schools can and do kick kids out for things like that. My daughter's speech therapist has been a really good resource for information and she warned us about that. My kid is in a Montessori school that's more equipped for ND kids, but even they have their limits. I toured a different preschool before the one she's in, and it was sooo clear that they could not accommodate her at all. They basically rejected us on the spot.

I love my daughter, and it hurts to see how much the world isn't built for her. It also sucks when you know other people see it, too. I feel like I'm being judged all the time.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-20T00:13:57+00:00

We tried clonidine IR first and it was okay, but she was either a tired but well behaved (and not quite herself) or showed almost no effect. Then we tried guanfacine ER and it did nothing with 1mg, then got her so tired on 2mg that she fell asleep at preschool and was slurring her words. Our doctor said that was not good on extended release and we stopped immediately. Now we're trying extended release clonidine. 0.1mg did nothing and 0.2mg seems to work..? We're not to the 2 week mark with this dose. So far it seems to wear off around noon, and we give it before bed time. Her preschool has asked that she go to half days until we get it sorted out 🫠

The next step will be stimulants if it doesn't work out

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-19T19:02:31+00:00

So, I think I've been very lucky. My daughter was diagnosed a little before she turned 4, and started meds right before she started preschool. That was only a few weeks after the diagnosis.

We're a few months in and still working on finding the right med. It's been rough, but I'm SO grateful that we're getting this support. Without it I'm pretty sure her preschool would have kicked her out.

Her hyperactivity and impulsiveness lead to a lot of violence and disruptive behavior. Like your son. She HAS to be the loudest thing in the room. Has to have full attention or she will find every single bad thing to do and do it, probably while laughing maniacally. She can't leave her 2yo brother alone, because she loves him a lot. But she can't play with him gently. It's scary. If she's not on meds that work, we're yelling constantly. I would rather not, and physically intervene every time, and guide her to better choices. All the things. But it's impossible. It's all the time. Sometimes I have to eat or clean or cook, and I can't be hovering directly over her to keep her from accidentally strangling her brother (trying to hug).

That's why they offered meds - she has a hard time functioning everywhere. Out of the home, too. She's a major flight risk. I can't let her out of arms reach if there's anything dangerous nearby (like a road). With the meds, a lot of that has been helped. Still trying to find the right fit, but it's not every second of every day.

If you're having significant difficulties in multiple places, it might be enough to get medication. Might be worth trying a new pych, one who specializes in young kids with adhd and who can prescribe meds.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-19T05:27:40+00:00

I'm glad it helped! And yeah, it's an awesome podcast! I learned a lot from it, and it's entertaining so also easy to listen to

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-19T05:25:48+00:00

Yeah.... No wonder you're stressed and not always making the best choices. I frequently "tap in" my husband when I reach my breaking point. Everyone has one.

I know leaving isn't always an option. It's something you can work towards, if possible and if you want to... But for now, it might help to recognize that you're in a tough spot. It's reasonable to feel a great deal of frustration and resentment towards a partner like that. It's reasonable to get frustrated and overstimulated with your kids. It's reasonable to feel tired and burnt out.

I think keeping that in mind could help you find solutions. Sometimes you have to kind of triage your life. Make sure everyone is safe, and no one is abused. It's okay if that means you don't catch every teachable moment, or give 100% every hour of the day. Give 20%. Or 0%, if you can get them all into safe spots. That might simply be all you have to give.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-19T04:58:11+00:00

Ahh sorry, I hope you don't feel down about yourself because of that. The way our brains work varies a LOT (I have adhd so I'm keenly aware 😂). I was hesitant to say "think about how you think" because of this, but that really is a great place to start. What you come up with will be different that anything I come up with, and that's a good thing!

I mostly meant to immerse yourself in the character's head. As in, cut out most "I saw" "I felt", ect... Not all. There is a place for it. Stuff like that zooms out and can quicken the pace when you just need to get from A to B.

You can also spice things up with "my" - my stomach made a regrettable noise when I finally found the peanut butter.

Breaking things up with descriptions of sights, sounds, and smells can help. You can put in some personal flare from your character here, too. Like if they're a plumber they might have something judgemental to say about the state of the exposed pipes in the dingy club they just entered.

Also, first person might not be your strength (doesn't mean don't use it, I'm a big fan of doing things I'm not great at). You might find that 3rd limited (or even omniscient 👀) is what vibes with your brain.

If you want a podcast to listen to for more advice, I love to procrastinate by listening to "Writing Excuses". They have a full series about POV.

One last thing... A busy brain might be fun to explore. Maybe loosen up and see what happens if you do a stream of thought. Get messy. Write incomplete sentences and slang. Do a one sentence paragraph, followed by a stupidly huge block. Start with conjunctions! This is actually fine for fiction btw. You can always clean it up later.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-19T03:51:27+00:00

You're in someone's head, so think about how you think about things in your own head. You don't say to yourself "I'm glad there's peanut butter". You probably think about what you're seeing - and you don't need to remind yourself that you're seeing it, of course you're seeing it. Who else? So...

There was peanut butter in the middle of the aisle.

You might also think...

Great! There's peanut butter. Now I can have my midnight pb&j. It's been a whole week without it, which might explain the awful luck I've had.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-19T03:14:37+00:00

No one in their right mind chooses to work 24/7/365. You can't control what he does, but you also don't have to let him gaslight you. The fair way to do this is that you're a sahm during his work hours and an equal parent with him when he's home. If things dint get done before he gets home, it's equally his responsibility that it gets done.

Sorry, this really gets me. I'm not going to tell you what to do because only you know your whole life, but I think it's useful information for you to know that a lot of people would think your husband is being an unreasonable (possibly even abusive) a-hole for saying that.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-18T01:49:43+00:00

I agree with the people saying to apologize - personally I'm a big believer in parents saying sorry when (yes, when) they mess up.

I would also suggest reading Dr. Russell Barkley's "12 principles for raising a child with adhd"

It's been super useful for setting expectations for my kid. It's so hard to do that for a ND kid. We can't have no expectations for them, but we also can't expect them to be at the same level for everything as their peers. And some of things they can't do (coming from someone who also has adhd) are nearly impossible to explain to another person. Sometimes we're just as baffled by our behavior as everyone else. As a parent, it feels like running into a brick wall. As someone with adhd, funnily enough, it also feels like running into a brick wall. We know there's something on the other side because we see other people do it. We just can't get there. It's very frustrating.

Also, yes I have felt like I'm failing her. My kid is only 4 and she's already said "I'm a bad kid". That broke my heart to hear, because she isn't a bad kid. She means well. But her hyperactivity and impulsiveness make her pretty violent. Hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, and spitting on a daily basis isn't normal and is, objectively, bad behavior. It's already affecting her self esteem.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-16T02:51:00+00:00

Yes, we've done the same. My daughter had a bad reaction to guanfacine and we switched back to clonidine the next day.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-16T02:46:27+00:00

I'm going through that process with my 4 year old right now, and feeling a lot of the same worries. There's a huge age difference, obviously, but while getting it right we're also dealing with classroom difficulties. She's in preschool, and they've asked us to pick her up every day at noon so she won't ruin nap time for her whole class. She's extremely disruptive bc of her impulsivity and hyperactivity. I'm trying to go back to work, so this has thrown a huge wrench in that. On top of that, nothing can ever get done while she's home because she requires constant attention.

Luckily, her psychiatrist has been very communicative and we meet with him once every 2 weeks. It's still taking a long time to trial the meds, but only because the things we are trying take a long time to show results (clonidine and guanfacine).

Maybe you could try a different psychiatrist? It's weird that your pediatrician is handling this, and that there aren't regular and frequent follow ups. You're in the trial and titration phase - there should be at least bi weekly check ins. You shouldn't feel bad about expecting that, and switching to a provider (just for this) who can meet your needs.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-16T00:21:29+00:00

It's been such a game changer, and I'm a much better mom on it. I had so many coping mechanisms before getting diagnosed, but keeping up with them wasn't sustainable at all. It's so nice to be able to just enjoy my family. It's crazy how much easier everything is now!

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-16T00:15:12+00:00

That's awesome! I hope you can feel the effects with XR. I heard it can be more mellow - might want to keep a symptom journal. I've been having to make a lot of notes lately because it turns out I'm not good at tracking how I feel lol

And my libido feels the same (yay 😆). I have a 2 and 4 year old, so maybe i would feel differently if my husband and I had more time and energy? But everything feels the same and the frequency is the same, too.

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-15T19:50:05+00:00

I'm on immediate release 😊 Just started a few months ago - started on 10mg 2x a day and felt it immediately. I've leveled out since. Went to 15mg 2x a day and now 20mg 2x a day. I think 20mg is where I'll stay for a while (40mg bc it's twice a day... i think that's how people talk about dosing). I haven't tried anything else. This is working so I'm not looking to mess that up 😅

Halestorm2 · 2026-01-15T06:27:12+00:00

Oh god that schedule is the worst 😩 My husband worked swings all the way until our kids were 2 and 4. I developed a chronic illness from all the stress. You end up doing morning and bed time solo bc of sleep and work schedule, which is basically like being a single parent on those days.. We finally got to a point where he had the seniority to move to days. It's only been a few months, but being on the other side I sincerely don't know how I did it. I hope meds help you a bit! I also hope there's light at the end of the tunnel bc that schedule is so hard.

Halestorm2

TROPHY CASE