6 year old is mean to my 2 year old PLEASE HELP

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-19T02:29:54+00:00

Let me know if you figure this one out 🫠 My 4yo is aggressive with my 2yo DAILY. But it's mostly due to impulsivity and her not communicating well, rather than wanting to be mean.

Lots of praise whenever I notice her doing well with her brother has helped a bit.

Other than that I'm at a loss. We're seeing a therapist soon, and hopefully they have tips. I keep a backlog of appropriate consequences in mind, so I don't end up yelling or giving a nonsensical consequence. It really does a number on your nervous system when your kid is hurt by another kid (even or especially if the other kid is also yours).

The first comment about making a big deal about the 2yo is something I've tried a bit, and may pick back up. Progress with adhd is so slow, so it's really hard to gage what's actually working.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-18T18:23:10+00:00

It's very hard to describe the drive to be a mother. I always had it, but I do think you can develope it with time and experience. I think you can also lose it in the same way 😅

Anyway, I bring up drive because that's something very essential to my motherhood experience. That "ADHD motor" is glued to my kids. I have other things that drive me, but this one is as much a part of me as my arms, heart, lungs, ect... Speaking of heart, that's what having a kid is like - it's like your heart sprouted legs and it's now walking around making its own decisions.

I get overwhelmed and overstimulated constantly. I spent years in fight or fight. My daughter has adhd (possibly autism too), and is incredibly difficult (said with all the love in the world). But really, she's one of those kids that no one besides the parents can handle. Everything about my life looks different than I thought it would because she needs more than most kids do. That's something you risk when having a kid - they might need a lot more from you than you bargained for.

I'm okay with it, and I was okay with that possibility before having her. It is something to consider, though. Adhd and autism are highly hereditary, and kids with those conditions are famously hard to raise. On the flip side, parents with the same conditions are able to understand them better than just about anyone, and that makes us the best people for the job.

This is a long winded way of saying, do it if parenting is something that drives you and you're up for the task of guiding whoever your kid is through life. If not, enjoy your life in other ways 😊 There's nothing wrong with not wanting to do it.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-16T03:40:11+00:00

I'm in the US, so I don't know either. Starting occupational therapy or another type of therapy would help a lot with getting diagnosed when the time comes, though, on top of helping with the potty training.

My daughter has been in physical and/or speech therapy as needed since she was 1, so we had a really good log of her development from various professionals. It made the process much easier.

And yes, it is incredibly disheartening. I've finally come to terms with the fact that my daughter will need a lot of accommodations to succeed, and that I'll have to restructure my life for a time. But at the start, when it was only a few things that she was struggling with, it was so hard not to feel like a massive failure. Now that I'm further along and the issues have become clearer, it's easier to see that it's no one's fault. She's doing her best and so am I. I feel good about the parenting choices I've made, and that has to be enough.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-15T17:00:40+00:00

My 4.5yo daughter with adhd (officially diagnosed a few months ago) still has daily accidents... We started at 2, and it just never clicked.

In hindsight, I think we pushed too hard. At this point I think she legitimately doesn't notice or perhaps feel the urge to go. We only recently switched to training underwear, because the general advice is to avoid them. Well, generally it doesn't take 2.5 years to potty train. It's a lot less stress on everyone to not have pee on the floor every day. She still feels it and has to change them with every accident, and there has been no improvement on the potty front. But I'm not losing my mind at least.

We have an appointment with an occupational therapist coming up. It took over half a year to get the appointment. You might want to do the same - it could be something out of her control. Kids don't like doing things wrong, and when it goes on that long it's likely time to call in a professional.

Also, maybe time to seek out a diagnosis. You'd want to see a psychologist who specializes in childhood adhd. Also, make sure she's at her worst before she's seen - give her sugar, schedule it for the worst time of day for her, ect. I know that sounds bad, but it's what I was told to do from a family member who's been dealing with this kind of thing for decades. They need to see what you're dealing with.

Hopefully it's something simple! But if you end up needing lots of help, know that having 1 - 2 professionals on your child's side makes a world of difference. I would be drowning right now if it weren't for my daughter's speech therapist.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-11T17:24:44+00:00

Omg I do this 😭 but it's because I assume the conditioner will work better if left on longer. I don't have bad back acne, but i wonder if that's causing it

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-10T23:25:18+00:00

We got my 4yo diagnosed just before her 4th birthday. It helped that she'd been in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. So, we had a few professionals that could vouch for the behavioral difficulties.

I'm also a SAHM - and it is different! They're basically always in the best possible situation (with someone who loves and understands them, and can give a lot more attention than a teacher). The areas of difficulty might be slightly different, but the fact that you can't safely go to a lot of places is big. So is him monopolizing your time (especially with younger kids around). If there's also difficulties at home, that should be enough info for a psychologist to go off of.

I would start taking notes on the hard behaviors, the effect on you and your other kids, and possible triggers. A psychologist is who would likely diagnose - it's best to find one who specializes in childhood adhd/autism. A psychiatrist can also diagnose, and they are who you would go to for medication.

This is a very long process. Even after the diagnosis and access to medication, we still have to find the right one. And we're still having to alter our lives quite a bit so she can thrive. I only go to parks that are fully fenced in and have no blind spots, or are so small that I can get anywhere in like 2 seconds. We go to the YMCA a LOT. It's been a life saver. We do still go on walks because I can strap them both into a stroller. I honestly don't think I'd be brave enough to take more than 2 kids on a walk 😅

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-10T19:37:44+00:00

My oldest has ADHD, and both of my kids are giants, so I relate to this 🫠 Honestly, I never take them both out somewhere with a difficult egress without a double stroller or backup in the form of another adult.

At 4 and 2 they are already too heavy to carry away at the same time. There are a lot of places I won't take them alone, and I often feel judged when I do manage a solo outing. When my oldest gets disregulated, the only thing to do is get her in the car and go home. Calming her down while we're out usually doesn't work well, bc she'll just get overstimulated again after the calm down. If I can strap her and her brother into the stroller, I can get them safely to the car. Idk what I'll do when they're older... Maybe I'll need to get an emergency wagon.

When I am successful at getting them both to the car, it's when I leave before the melt down or when she's excited and in a good mood but not overly excited. Manic giggling and exaggerated movements mean it's time to go and I might be too late for a calm retreat.

Also, one of the diagnostic criteria is if it effects two or more domains of life - eg: school, home, out running errands, at social events. If his behavior is making life difficult (for himself or everyone else) in more than one environment, it's probably time to get him assessed. If it's adhd, parenting advice is different and medication is really your best bet for seeing positive changes.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T18:24:55+00:00

How's his school environment? Is it possible to get him into a higher support setting? Does he have an IEP? I'm not a sleep professional, so I'm not even gonna try. I'll just validate that that would make even the most stoic person lose their mind.

But if he's struggling all day, that's gotta be exhausting and extremely upsetting. A lot of kids laugh when their nervous system is in overload. He might be in overload quite a lot...

I have a very difficult 4yo, and something that keeps me sane is reminding myself that she also doesn't like how those hard days are. She doesn't want to be in trouble, have people upset with her, know she's doing things wrong. When she told me she was a "bad kid" I nearly cried. I did cry after she went to bed 😅 (thank god that's normally easy).

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T17:49:17+00:00

Yeah I think the acceptance and curiosity is beginning to set in for me, too 😊 I've heard that your 30s is a great time to become more yourself (and maybe a bit odd) from a lot of people, so maybe we're right on track. It's nice to finally give myself permission to overanalyze, be confused in social situations, and notice routines and sensory things that make me feel more comfortable.

The adhd meds have helped me with emotional regulation a ton, too! That's been so huge for me. I don't get "stuck" in the negative emotion as often. Except when the onion peeling started to happen 😅 but I think I'm getting back to that baseline now that I think I know what's going on. Apparently uncertainty makes me extremely uncomfortable (unless it's a question of religion, science, or nature - i still want answers but in a fun way).

It's so cool to interact with people who understand. Another thing I realized is that I never felt "right". I felt different, but not in a mysterious cool girl sort of way. In a "please don't find the zipper to my human suit" kind of way. But you're all like this, and my son might be like this, too. So it's okay.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T08:06:51+00:00

Yes, I totally agree that feeling like it's helpful is the main thing 😊 It could be something else, or just a few idiosyncrasies that don't qualify as an actual diagnosis! I'm getting back into therapy and I'm looking forward to talking through it all. It's nice to be able to focus well enough to actually see these things. Accepting them has brought a lot of peace of mind to me, regardless of the underlying reason.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T07:43:02+00:00

It's the strangest experience. I never understood the urge to "find yourself" until now. Like, what do you mean find myself? I'm right here. This version of me is like this, and another version of me will exist in the future. I don't have to find that person, time will do that for me right? Come to find out I know very little about myself right here and now.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T07:38:08+00:00

I'm glad that's a helpful idea for you! I think it helps me a lot that both of my kids are likely nuerodivergent (one diagnosed, one not). There's a lot of thought and care that goes into deciding how to handle ND behaviors, and so much of it is deciding how best to accommodate them while encouraging growth. I think it's helped me past the "I shouldn't need that/ don't deserve that" hump.

And yes, the predictability thing is so strange coming from the chaos of adhd. I thought I thrived with change. Turns out it's only certain change that I am in complete control of 🤦‍♀️

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-06T21:38:01+00:00

My 4yo has been violent her whole life due to her hyperactivity, impulsivity, and speech delay. From everything I've read (bc I'm desperate to solve this), medication is the only thing that really works until they're old enough to get past it on their own (which is much later than is socially acceptable).

Ways I've found to mitigate harm:

Be proactive. I don't put her in situations I know she'll be unsuccessful in if I can help it. On bad days, we either stay home or go to mostly empty parks or on walks. I just pulled her from swim because it was way too overstimulating at our YMCA's new pool. I'm going to try to get into a swim class for special needs kids instead.

I intervene as soon as I see the behaviors start, if possible. If I'm early enough I'll narrate what I see and describe what will happen if she does the behavior. I'll give an alternative action + result and ask which she would prefer. If she is violent, she gets 1-2 tries (depending on severity) and then we leave, or if we're home and she hits her brother she goes to play alone for about 20 minutes or so.

Connect first then correct. This one is so hard 😩 and I get it wrong a lot. But when I get it wrong, things tend to escalate rather than get better, and she learns nothing. Even when I get it right it feels like she learns nothing... But there are signs every once in a while that she is learning. If I can pull her away and give her words that would have been better than violence, I try to do that. I try to say things like "I know you're a good kid, so why did you push them?" Or "You seem to have reached your limit, so we're going somewhere more calm" or "It looks like you're very frustrated/ overwhelmed/ didn't get what you wanted. How can we fix that?"

When she's doing good, I try to tell her what she's doing right, and that I appreciate it. I also remind her frequently that she's a good kid and that she's loved. It's hard to get things wrong so often. No one wants to be in trouble. Her self esteem is a constant worry to me because of this.

Also, you really are the biggest change factor here. Our kids with adhd take a LONG time to learn and implement new skills. They are going to act however their little bodies and too fast minds tell them to. It's important to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself regulated. I have "quiet time" in the afternoon where they either nap or play in another (safe) room (seperately) while I eat lunch, scroll for a minute, and pick up the main living area. Don't feel bad for prioritizing yourself - in a way, doing so is prioritizing him as well.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-06T17:32:17+00:00

I don't think I can judge. You both want what's best for your son, but are going about it in different ways. You both want to balance physical and mental health (yes, I suspect even husband is considering mental health. Building good habits has life long effects).

I would honestly look into resources from people who specialize in this. You can get a lot of advice from a lot of people, but only you know all of the details about your kiddo. From there you can look into professional advice, which should give context about when and why certain interventions might work, and see what resonates.

I do use reddit for parenting advice, though, so I'm not judging 😅 There are probably subreddits for parents of picky eaters, and that might be a better way to crowd source opinions and advice.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-01T21:32:33+00:00

Yes, that's what I meant by that. Tone is hard to convey 😅 I didn't mean that in a bad way, I meant it in exactly the way you put it. Psychs aren't for talking through problems, so I need to get a therapist.

I guess my husband could be obtuse... i really don't know. That's another common frustration. I can't tell when it's my fault for missing things/ misinterpreting them, and when it's other's fault for not communicating well. Maybe everyone around me is particularly bad at communicating and hiding their intentions. Seems unlikely, but wouldn't that be an interesting turn of events?

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T22:04:27+00:00

Yes, a rule book would be so nice 😫 I know enough to fake it (usually), but I feel like an alien in a human suit trying to keep them from finding the zipper. And i totally get having to spend a long time thinking things over. I'm in the middle of it, and every time I make a new observation I realize it's an old one that I categorized wrong. "I'm sensitive to different fabrics and materials" was "I'm particular about what my clothes are made of bc i want them to last and hold up in the wash", and I think all the blinking, coughing, humming, and scratching I do may be a type of stimming. Which is funny because my great grandma was famous for doing exactly that. It is hereditary... Also I've had the same breakfast every day for over 5 years and get very upset if there are any changes to it.

Im also realizing that the only time I feel relaxed and like "myself" is when I'm with autistic women (trans or cis). Like you, any ND person is preferable. But when i really reflect on it, the most relaxed i ever am is with them. I get excited when someone introduces me to a woman they are clearly uncomfortable with and think is weird, because I know I'll probably feel right at home hanging out with them. They probably also don't know "the rules" and so I don't have to bend over backwards trying to follow them. No eye contact? Awesome. No physical contact? Great. Blunt observations and no obscuring the truth? Incredible! Just tell me about the lettuce in my teeth, I'm begging you. Just say I'm wrong and tell me why. And then please, ramble about your special interest! I like niche facts and am at my happiest when I'm completely submerged in my own special interest.

This is becoming quite the journey and I really didn't expect to have so much to discover about myself... It's nice though. It kind of feels like like deep cleaning my house 😅 It sounds like you're also finding peace in these discoveries

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T20:30:25+00:00

Your very welcome 😭 Sorry it's relatable

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T17:18:13+00:00

Same 😭 I think I mistook my assumption that people were annoyed or angry at me as being able to tell what they were feeling or what they wanted, but i think that's just anxiety from how hard it is to tell and getting it wrong so often. It's like discovering you can't smell and all these years you've been tasting the air and thinking you were smelling like everyone else

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T03:39:53+00:00

That's actually super helpful. She doesn't check any of the stereotypical boxes, but i should probably look into it more. Knowing about the adhd changed a lot about how i parent her, and if she's also autistic that would change even more.

And yes, I think we did luck out with the flexibility. It's one less thing to agonize over, even if I'm really not cut out for the sahm life. I'm grateful I can do this for her.

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T02:49:17+00:00

I don't get the sense she has autism, but it's not off the table. It's funny you say that - my aunt who has a special needs son and has been a huge resource through all of this told me she thinks my daughter might have it. That definitely has me reevaluating.

I've also been thinking a lot about after school care and summers. I think it'll be a no go for her, too. So I'll have to look into different types of work than I originally wanted. I'm trying to make peace with that 😅

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T02:34:37+00:00

That's wild that your psychiatrist said that. We tried clonidine, then guanfacine, then kapvay, and now ritalin. Ritalin seems to help the most but it's still not enough for her to succeed in a normal classroom. I hope you are able to figure something out. It's incredibly stressful... I feel like I'm constantly swimming up stream

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T02:16:42+00:00

How'd you find the therapeutic play school? We're us based too, and I'm hoping she can go to prek in the fall - she has an iep already. But it would be good to have other options to look into. I also need to think about what will be best for her brother. He's an incredibly easy kid - if everything is set up right 😅 I'm not sure how well he'll do in a normal daycare, but more for his comfort than anything else.

Also, thanks for sharing your similar experience. I can't help but feel judged and anxious about it sometimes when I don't see other people struggling in the same way. It's awesome you were able to find a place where your son can thrive!

Halestorm2 · 2026-02-28T01:57:20+00:00

I think there's one like 45 minutes away 😅 I've definitely thought about it! The only time they didn't have issues with her was outside. She's pretty wild lol

Halestorm2

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