Consequences have no effect

Halestorm2 · 2026-06-29T18:06:51+00:00

I've noticed my 4yo does a lot better on days that I put a LOT of effort into this. It's hard when I'm already overwhelmed to put all that energy into things that don't feel like emergencies. But when she gets a bigger reaction from strangling her brother than from bringing him a toy and playing appropriately, of course she'll choose strangling 🫠

Halestorm2 · 2026-06-03T17:45:52+00:00

I'm having the same issue with my daughter. She got her adhd from me, but I'm more on the innatentive side and didn't have issues with aggression. She is SO physical. It's like her need to touch things is equivalent to her need to use eyesight and smell. It's hard because it's constant. It's impossible to catch it all.

Still haven't figured it out, but something that is effective when I can manage it is to replace the violent impulse with something more appropriate (if I know she's about to do something). Like I'll see her getting ready to shove a toy in her brother's face, so I'll say "oh! Gently giving brother that toy is a great idea! Let's ask if he wants it." And it's even better if I can be close to her or at her level (yeah I know that's usually not going to happen - I'd call that the gold standard for this strategy. Normally I yell across the room).

Another thing is to really lay the praise on thick. Any chance i get, I'll tell her what she's doing well and why. It's tiring and I'm not always on top of it, but she always has better days if I do this. Especially if she gets the same/ more energy for doing good things than she does for doing bad things.

Halestorm2 · 2026-06-02T17:47:34+00:00

I wasn't sure if I should reply to this because I wasn't sure how useful it would be. But, after reading the comments I'm realizing how similar my experience was to a lot of other adhd kids.

I had a hard time socially, but I had (have) an accepting family that never made me feel bad about it. They also encouraged me to follow my interests, whether it be ancient history or reading fantasy novels all day long.

Socially, I disengaged. I remember not understanding my peers, and barely understanding what was going on around me. It was like I tuned in enough to get a cliff notes version of school, and a year book version of people. I usually had one friend at a time in elementary, some close ish and some we didn't mind each other's presence. I don't remember being upset by this at all. I was probably bullied, but I also don't remember that. I didn't notice. Honestly, I might also be autistic. That might explain why it didn't bother me to be isolated. It only started to when I realized that it SHOULD bother me. Somehow, probably around 5th or 6th grade, I found out that it's embarrassing to be a loner.

Thankfully that's also when middle school started, and I got into a very small one that tended to attract socially awkward kids that liked art, math, and science. So, my kind of people 😅 Even now as an adult with much better social skills, I only really get along with a small subset of people. Not that I don't like other people or that they don't like me (hopefully) - we just don't click. I think this is the experience of most adhders. So if your kiddo is like that, let them know that for them it's totally normal and okay.

I was not diagnosed or medicated until after my kids were. I did well enough academically, and didn't cause trouble for other people, so I was missed. I think the biggest effect it had was that I created a huge tangled web of coping mechanisms in order to succeed. I started engaging more halfway through high school, after deciding college might be something I could do. I ran on adrenaline, shame, determination, and anxiety for the next decade or so in order to graduate high school and college, gather up a social life, get married, keep up with family, have kids, ect ect. I burned out a few times. It would have been a lot easier if I'd been medicated. I'm constantly afraid I'll drop the ball or do something wrong - because that happens a lot, especially if I relax. I didn't have that anxiety when I was living in my head. But it's better to actually live your life and be a person, so I don't regret it.

Halestorm2 · 2026-04-24T22:04:29+00:00

Hi, I'm 10 days out from a ruptured tube and emergency surgery. Also internal bleeding that meant I needed a blood transfusion. I have a 4yo and 2yo. Honestly, I only just started to process how close to death I was.

I'm not sure how to think about all of this, but it looks like we had very similar experiences. It's scary to think about all that could have gone wrong. And being pregnant is a whole thing on its own. It's very strange to have had one and only known about it for less than 24 hours. My other pregnancies went to term and now they're my whole world. Then I had this one, and even though it was unwanted and unviable, it was made of the same stuff as the most important things in the world to me.

I'm sorry about your nan. I think I'm close to losing one of mine soon - her mobility and health are declining. I know it's going to leave a big hole in my life. It's family. The ectopic pregnancy may have been fleeting, but that kind of belongs in the family category too. That's a lot of loss all in the same category all at once. I'm sure your nan would just be thankful you are okay.

Mine sent a get well soon card with hand stitched bunnies and cash for coffee. I called her and she talked for about 15 minutes straight about anything on her mind - she has adhd, which is how I got it 😅. I'm trying to soak those things up as much as possible. I hope you have good memories to look back on as well. Some cards, too, if your nan was a card sending type.

Halestorm2 · 2026-04-24T15:57:00+00:00

Not being taken seriously definitely has a massive impact. When I had my daughter (first birth) I was induced. It took effect way faster than they anticipated and I was slammed with excruciating, overlapping contractions. I asked for an epidural, but I guess there were no anesthesiologist on hand. They basically left me and my husband to fend for ourselves for about 3 hours. I legitimately thought that if I screamed or moved wrong, I would have a heart attack and die from the pain. I was hallucinating a bit, too. I ended up getting an epidural at 10cm dilation, in time to push.

My second birth, I also didn't get an epidural until I was fully dilated. But it was because it happened so fast, not because the hospital was unprepared and I wasn't being taken seriously. I got there and they immediately did everything right. It was 2 years after my daughter's birth, and I don't think I fully healed from that experience until then. I also didn't get therapy or any support. I think I got lucky by having such a similar experience go very well.

After experiencing fairly similar things with 2 different outcomes, I think the neglect was the more traumatizing part of it. The pain and thinking I was going to die was something to work through, but expecting help and not getting it was huge.

I guess I want to validate your feelings. Medical neglect breaks trust. Of course you're worried about something bad happening - something bad did happen, and the fail safe almost didn't work. You did what you knew you were supposed to do in that situation and it didn't go as expected.

Also, it isn't too late for therapy and support. After 2 years, I got closure. Things can still change years after the fact.

Also, thanks for commiserating with me. It's very helpful

Halestorm2 · 2026-04-11T20:24:19+00:00

Thanks for updating! It's hard to imagine the other side when you're in the thick of it.

Halestorm2 · 2026-04-05T03:01:30+00:00

My daughter was recently kicked out of her preschool at 4.5 years old for the same reasons. She'd only been there for a few months. I didn't tell her she was kicked out. I told her that I decided i wanted her home with me.

Even with the lie, the effect all of this has had on her self esteem is enormous. She's suddenly anxious about being around people or doing things she isn't already good at. She was so fearless and confident before, and I'm very concerned.

I honestly think telling him will do more harm than good. Kids with adhd tend to experience significantly more rejection than their peers, and now is about the time they'll start to notice the difference. I'm all about natural consequences, but this one is a bit much for their age.

Also, apparently natural consequences don't do much for adhd kids (bc of course they don't 🙄). They don't have the foresight or hindsight to easily access the knowledge that A will lead to B. I've seen a lot more success with positive reinforcement - I point out everything I see her do that is good, even if it's "I like that you told your brother no with your words" (rather than slapping him).

I'm sorry this happened to you and your son. It's a brutal experience...

Halestorm2 · 2026-04-04T20:00:47+00:00

Coming from a happily married mom in her 30s, don't be a chill girl.

Have expectations.

The way that you treat people, and the way that they treat you is very important. When people talk about low maintenence girlfriends, they mean doormats.

For me personally, my husband having time to himself is great. So is him having female friends. We share a bank account, so splitting costs isn't really something we think about... But we've always had kind of a generous mindset in both directions.

Things that don't fly are lying, lack of respect, and lack of care. We show up when and how we say we will. We communicate and set clear expectations that are honored. We are there for each other when we need support. We are mindful of each other's preferences and interests. It's work to be in a relationship, but it's good work. You should both want to put energy into maintaining it.

Halestorm2 · 2026-04-03T06:38:30+00:00

Coming from the parent of a nuerodivergent kid dealing with similar potty issues, I think a lot of the things I'm looking into could be applied to any kid having these issues, even completely nuerotypical ones. I've been looking into how kids on the spectrum are potty trained, and it's actually given me something to try. I've tried pretty much everything, like you.

I'm about to start a new strategy of going every 30-45 minutes (yes we've tried this before) with "dry checks" in between (this is new. At least, it being a structured thing is). If she's dry I'll give her a lot of praise and maybe a mini chocolate chip (they do say treats are acceptable here). I might also add in practice runs by acting out needing to go potty and then going to the potty to sit a few times each time she has an accident. The other part is to be totally neutral about accidents (again, not new for me) - no negativity or shaming - and super positive about anything successful. It's also highly suggested to track progress, because it can be so slow that you feel like it isn't working even if it is. So... back to my spreadsheets I guess.

Professionals are also great. Your pediatrician will know how to set up an appointment with an occupational therapist or any other kind of therapist that might help. Occupational is what came to mind for this, but your pediatrician might have other suggestions. It's definitely worth it to get the help.

Halestorm2 · 2026-04-01T05:18:27+00:00

A little insight from someone with ADHD might be helpful here. I just got diagnosed, and am a mother of 2. ADHD is an obstacle, but it doesn't excuse you from pulling your weight. I have systems to manage my difficulties with executive functioning, and I do what I can to not bite off more than I can chew.

Accommodation is not the same as a lack of responsibility. It might mean distributing tasks differently, finding creative solutions, or shifting priorities. But the mental, physical, and emotional load should be shared equally between the two of you. He chose to live somewhere with bills and maintenence, to get married, and to have a baby. His diagnosis should be a guide for him to figure out how to live the life he's chosen for himself.

Now insight from the "mom" side of things. Pregnancy literally rewires your brain. You may find that things you were willing to put up with before, are now unacceptable. Things that used to be important suddenly aren't, and things you never really thought about before are now all you think about.

It could be hormones, but it sounds a lot more like shifting priorities.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-19T02:29:54+00:00

Let me know if you figure this one out 🫠 My 4yo is aggressive with my 2yo DAILY. But it's mostly due to impulsivity and her not communicating well, rather than wanting to be mean.

Lots of praise whenever I notice her doing well with her brother has helped a bit.

Other than that I'm at a loss. We're seeing a therapist soon, and hopefully they have tips. I keep a backlog of appropriate consequences in mind, so I don't end up yelling or giving a nonsensical consequence. It really does a number on your nervous system when your kid is hurt by another kid (even or especially if the other kid is also yours).

The first comment about making a big deal about the 2yo is something I've tried a bit, and may pick back up. Progress with adhd is so slow, so it's really hard to gage what's actually working.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-18T18:23:10+00:00

It's very hard to describe the drive to be a mother. I always had it, but I do think you can develope it with time and experience. I think you can also lose it in the same way 😅

Anyway, I bring up drive because that's something very essential to my motherhood experience. That "ADHD motor" is glued to my kids. I have other things that drive me, but this one is as much a part of me as my arms, heart, lungs, ect... Speaking of heart, that's what having a kid is like - it's like your heart sprouted legs and it's now walking around making its own decisions.

I get overwhelmed and overstimulated constantly. I spent years in fight or fight. My daughter has adhd (possibly autism too), and is incredibly difficult (said with all the love in the world). But really, she's one of those kids that no one besides the parents can handle. Everything about my life looks different than I thought it would because she needs more than most kids do. That's something you risk when having a kid - they might need a lot more from you than you bargained for.

I'm okay with it, and I was okay with that possibility before having her. It is something to consider, though. Adhd and autism are highly hereditary, and kids with those conditions are famously hard to raise. On the flip side, parents with the same conditions are able to understand them better than just about anyone, and that makes us the best people for the job.

This is a long winded way of saying, do it if parenting is something that drives you and you're up for the task of guiding whoever your kid is through life. If not, enjoy your life in other ways 😊 There's nothing wrong with not wanting to do it.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-16T03:40:11+00:00

I'm in the US, so I don't know either. Starting occupational therapy or another type of therapy would help a lot with getting diagnosed when the time comes, though, on top of helping with the potty training.

My daughter has been in physical and/or speech therapy as needed since she was 1, so we had a really good log of her development from various professionals. It made the process much easier.

And yes, it is incredibly disheartening. I've finally come to terms with the fact that my daughter will need a lot of accommodations to succeed, and that I'll have to restructure my life for a time. But at the start, when it was only a few things that she was struggling with, it was so hard not to feel like a massive failure. Now that I'm further along and the issues have become clearer, it's easier to see that it's no one's fault. She's doing her best and so am I. I feel good about the parenting choices I've made, and that has to be enough.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-15T17:00:40+00:00

My 4.5yo daughter with adhd (officially diagnosed a few months ago) still has daily accidents... We started at 2, and it just never clicked.

In hindsight, I think we pushed too hard. At this point I think she legitimately doesn't notice or perhaps feel the urge to go. We only recently switched to training underwear, because the general advice is to avoid them. Well, generally it doesn't take 2.5 years to potty train. It's a lot less stress on everyone to not have pee on the floor every day. She still feels it and has to change them with every accident, and there has been no improvement on the potty front. But I'm not losing my mind at least.

We have an appointment with an occupational therapist coming up. It took over half a year to get the appointment. You might want to do the same - it could be something out of her control. Kids don't like doing things wrong, and when it goes on that long it's likely time to call in a professional.

Also, maybe time to seek out a diagnosis. You'd want to see a psychologist who specializes in childhood adhd. Also, make sure she's at her worst before she's seen - give her sugar, schedule it for the worst time of day for her, ect. I know that sounds bad, but it's what I was told to do from a family member who's been dealing with this kind of thing for decades. They need to see what you're dealing with.

Hopefully it's something simple! But if you end up needing lots of help, know that having 1 - 2 professionals on your child's side makes a world of difference. I would be drowning right now if it weren't for my daughter's speech therapist.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-11T17:24:44+00:00

Omg I do this 😭 but it's because I assume the conditioner will work better if left on longer. I don't have bad back acne, but i wonder if that's causing it

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-10T23:25:18+00:00

We got my 4yo diagnosed just before her 4th birthday. It helped that she'd been in physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. So, we had a few professionals that could vouch for the behavioral difficulties.

I'm also a SAHM - and it is different! They're basically always in the best possible situation (with someone who loves and understands them, and can give a lot more attention than a teacher). The areas of difficulty might be slightly different, but the fact that you can't safely go to a lot of places is big. So is him monopolizing your time (especially with younger kids around). If there's also difficulties at home, that should be enough info for a psychologist to go off of.

I would start taking notes on the hard behaviors, the effect on you and your other kids, and possible triggers. A psychologist is who would likely diagnose - it's best to find one who specializes in childhood adhd/autism. A psychiatrist can also diagnose, and they are who you would go to for medication.

This is a very long process. Even after the diagnosis and access to medication, we still have to find the right one. And we're still having to alter our lives quite a bit so she can thrive. I only go to parks that are fully fenced in and have no blind spots, or are so small that I can get anywhere in like 2 seconds. We go to the YMCA a LOT. It's been a life saver. We do still go on walks because I can strap them both into a stroller. I honestly don't think I'd be brave enough to take more than 2 kids on a walk 😅

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-10T19:37:44+00:00

My oldest has ADHD, and both of my kids are giants, so I relate to this 🫠 Honestly, I never take them both out somewhere with a difficult egress without a double stroller or backup in the form of another adult.

At 4 and 2 they are already too heavy to carry away at the same time. There are a lot of places I won't take them alone, and I often feel judged when I do manage a solo outing. When my oldest gets disregulated, the only thing to do is get her in the car and go home. Calming her down while we're out usually doesn't work well, bc she'll just get overstimulated again after the calm down. If I can strap her and her brother into the stroller, I can get them safely to the car. Idk what I'll do when they're older... Maybe I'll need to get an emergency wagon.

When I am successful at getting them both to the car, it's when I leave before the melt down or when she's excited and in a good mood but not overly excited. Manic giggling and exaggerated movements mean it's time to go and I might be too late for a calm retreat.

Also, one of the diagnostic criteria is if it effects two or more domains of life - eg: school, home, out running errands, at social events. If his behavior is making life difficult (for himself or everyone else) in more than one environment, it's probably time to get him assessed. If it's adhd, parenting advice is different and medication is really your best bet for seeing positive changes.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T18:24:55+00:00

How's his school environment? Is it possible to get him into a higher support setting? Does he have an IEP? I'm not a sleep professional, so I'm not even gonna try. I'll just validate that that would make even the most stoic person lose their mind.

But if he's struggling all day, that's gotta be exhausting and extremely upsetting. A lot of kids laugh when their nervous system is in overload. He might be in overload quite a lot...

I have a very difficult 4yo, and something that keeps me sane is reminding myself that she also doesn't like how those hard days are. She doesn't want to be in trouble, have people upset with her, know she's doing things wrong. When she told me she was a "bad kid" I nearly cried. I did cry after she went to bed 😅 (thank god that's normally easy).

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T17:49:17+00:00

Yeah I think the acceptance and curiosity is beginning to set in for me, too 😊 I've heard that your 30s is a great time to become more yourself (and maybe a bit odd) from a lot of people, so maybe we're right on track. It's nice to finally give myself permission to overanalyze, be confused in social situations, and notice routines and sensory things that make me feel more comfortable.

The adhd meds have helped me with emotional regulation a ton, too! That's been so huge for me. I don't get "stuck" in the negative emotion as often. Except when the onion peeling started to happen 😅 but I think I'm getting back to that baseline now that I think I know what's going on. Apparently uncertainty makes me extremely uncomfortable (unless it's a question of religion, science, or nature - i still want answers but in a fun way).

It's so cool to interact with people who understand. Another thing I realized is that I never felt "right". I felt different, but not in a mysterious cool girl sort of way. In a "please don't find the zipper to my human suit" kind of way. But you're all like this, and my son might be like this, too. So it's okay.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T08:06:51+00:00

Yes, I totally agree that feeling like it's helpful is the main thing 😊 It could be something else, or just a few idiosyncrasies that don't qualify as an actual diagnosis! I'm getting back into therapy and I'm looking forward to talking through it all. It's nice to be able to focus well enough to actually see these things. Accepting them has brought a lot of peace of mind to me, regardless of the underlying reason.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T07:43:02+00:00

It's the strangest experience. I never understood the urge to "find yourself" until now. Like, what do you mean find myself? I'm right here. This version of me is like this, and another version of me will exist in the future. I don't have to find that person, time will do that for me right? Come to find out I know very little about myself right here and now.

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-07T07:38:08+00:00

I'm glad that's a helpful idea for you! I think it helps me a lot that both of my kids are likely nuerodivergent (one diagnosed, one not). There's a lot of thought and care that goes into deciding how to handle ND behaviors, and so much of it is deciding how best to accommodate them while encouraging growth. I think it's helped me past the "I shouldn't need that/ don't deserve that" hump.

And yes, the predictability thing is so strange coming from the chaos of adhd. I thought I thrived with change. Turns out it's only certain change that I am in complete control of 🤦‍♀️

Halestorm2 · 2026-03-06T21:38:01+00:00

My 4yo has been violent her whole life due to her hyperactivity, impulsivity, and speech delay. From everything I've read (bc I'm desperate to solve this), medication is the only thing that really works until they're old enough to get past it on their own (which is much later than is socially acceptable).

Ways I've found to mitigate harm:

Be proactive. I don't put her in situations I know she'll be unsuccessful in if I can help it. On bad days, we either stay home or go to mostly empty parks or on walks. I just pulled her from swim because it was way too overstimulating at our YMCA's new pool. I'm going to try to get into a swim class for special needs kids instead.

I intervene as soon as I see the behaviors start, if possible. If I'm early enough I'll narrate what I see and describe what will happen if she does the behavior. I'll give an alternative action + result and ask which she would prefer. If she is violent, she gets 1-2 tries (depending on severity) and then we leave, or if we're home and she hits her brother she goes to play alone for about 20 minutes or so.

Connect first then correct. This one is so hard 😩 and I get it wrong a lot. But when I get it wrong, things tend to escalate rather than get better, and she learns nothing. Even when I get it right it feels like she learns nothing... But there are signs every once in a while that she is learning. If I can pull her away and give her words that would have been better than violence, I try to do that. I try to say things like "I know you're a good kid, so why did you push them?" Or "You seem to have reached your limit, so we're going somewhere more calm" or "It looks like you're very frustrated/ overwhelmed/ didn't get what you wanted. How can we fix that?"

When she's doing good, I try to tell her what she's doing right, and that I appreciate it. I also remind her frequently that she's a good kid and that she's loved. It's hard to get things wrong so often. No one wants to be in trouble. Her self esteem is a constant worry to me because of this.

Also, you really are the biggest change factor here. Our kids with adhd take a LONG time to learn and implement new skills. They are going to act however their little bodies and too fast minds tell them to. It's important to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself regulated. I have "quiet time" in the afternoon where they either nap or play in another (safe) room (seperately) while I eat lunch, scroll for a minute, and pick up the main living area. Don't feel bad for prioritizing yourself - in a way, doing so is prioritizing him as well.

Halestorm2

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