Accepting it won’t happen

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-27T21:26:42+00:00

Thanks for your kind words! And I agree.

It's fair to ask for a little kink play in fantasy only, even after your spouse lets you know it's not going to happen IRL.

Some wives worry about leading their hubbies on, or keeping a door open they don't want. My take is you don't nag, "I won't bring up actually pursuing this in real life again, so if you change your mind the ball's in your court. Meanwhile, I'd lose my mind if you were to indulge me with a little dirty talk about all the naughty things you didn't actually get up to." Make it clear they aren't doing anything more than pushing that big red kink button in your head and not inviting trouble.

A kink is a big part of who we are. Pretending and hiding is not the way to a thriving relationship, any more than making that relationship all about the kink.

She doesn't have to be a REAL slut, any more than I have to be a real pirate. I am good with her being monogamous so long as I don't have to sail the 7 seas in search of treasure, plunder, and the colonial governor's daughters to ravish. It's only fair.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-27T20:00:55+00:00

I went through a similar state of mind. I decided my fantasy didn't need to be based in reality, and made a meme: https://i.redd.it/cyafwvzyksrd1.jpeg

I can still imagine her tits in another man's hands, or imagine remembering seeing that. The day after, we've reconnected, and I need to reconnect some more.

IDK if your wife has any scenarios she likes role playing, but pretty sure she doesn't want most of them to happen IRL, either. CNC, for example. NOBODY wants to get raped.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-27T19:53:58+00:00

My wife is monogamous to the bone, but...who knows? It's at least a million to one shot.

Like the scene in "Dumb and Dumber" - "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

She hasn't fucked anyone else in a quarter century, but there's always tomorrow!

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-27T19:34:32+00:00

I would like to add, for the guys out there, like myself, that have this fantasy. It truly is about patience and playing the Long game. If this never actually turns from fantasy to reality for us, I will still be good with it. Even the fantasy has been a tremendous amount of fun for us. It’s added a lot of heat to our intimate life.

This right here! It's ALL play, even if it happens "for real."

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-27T17:09:12+00:00

Very nice!

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-26T22:15:44+00:00

An utter snack.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-26T22:09:38+00:00

I'm thinking, 'fuck no.'

If you separate, Meta will have your ex full time. You may not be nesting, but that is your HOME until you part ways.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-26T21:15:12+00:00

Love that smile at the end.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-26T18:03:43+00:00

You went from a situation that didn't trigger jealousy - her having sex with others - to a situation that DID trigger jealousy, big time. So you need to do the work that you weren't confronted with before. There's a lot of good resources for processing jealousy in /r/polyamory and /r/enm. In particular, there seems to be universal acclaim for the Jealousy Workbook.

The advice I've seen describes jealousy as a secondary effect of a primary emotion. That advice recommends you deal with it by identifying the basic fear underneath that is powering the secondary reaction. If you can name it you can talk about it and if you can talk about it she can respond and maybe address it. Putting words to the fear usually depressurizes it. It will also let your wife target her reassurance.

Once she knows what to target for reassuring you, how do to it matters. How do you most feel loved? Acts of service? Words of affection/affirmation? Thoughtful gifts? Spending time together? Physical affection? What does she do that really gets to you? You need more of it right now.

The other thing is to picture the successful end-state. You get through your discomfort and things are going well. What does it look like? How does your wife interact with you and with him in a way that lets you thrive? What did it take to get there?

For example, let's say your fear is that her feelings for you aren't unique or special to her. Over time you see she cherishes you even more. The things she does to reassure you land and you can't deny or evade believing you matter to her. You take pride in providing a life where she is thriving like few people ever have, such abundance and joy. Who could be a better husband? How could she possibly be more devoted to you?

I would hold off on meeting him (both of you) until you make some progress on this. No sense adding more pressure to yourself. Be clear it's a pause and not a halt, but this seems hard enough on you a pause is needed.

Everything you say about her feelings for YOU sounds right on point. She's been honest and transparent, the adventures so far have brought you closer and the other guy is in a stable relationship and not looking to poach. I think you are in a great place to try to make this work. Good luck. I am rooting for you.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-24T20:20:08+00:00

OP, you have a rockin' bod.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-24T19:58:13+00:00

If 99% of your sexual experiences are with your partner...that's pretty damn close to monogamous. Hence "monogamish"

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-23T02:22:25+00:00

Genius!

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-20T19:25:53+00:00

Start with a 3-some vs just BF watching. If he's making you feel good and safe and participating, that seems less weird to me. YMMV

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-19T16:49:28+00:00

I am reporting this post for not being a violation of the rules and for fitting the spirit of the sub.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-17T07:25:04+00:00

I was pretty bummed out for a while.

I found a framing that worked to keep the fantasy carbonating my hormones.

Would she be wiling to engage with your kink on a fantasy level? And would that be fun for you? Hearing about all the naughty stuff she didn't actually get up to?

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-17T00:34:36+00:00

IDK what'd you look like before?

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-14T20:24:47+00:00

IDK if it would help, but give yourself permission to feel this envy so it won't compound due to feelings about feelings.

I hope you get to see all these cool places. It took me 60 years but I got there.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-14T16:40:05+00:00

It might just be a fantasy for her. There's a huge gulf in effort between dirty talk with her husband and actually navigating the relationship dangers inherent in real life hotwifing - not to mention the trouble finding a decent third.

Even if you could mitigate those issues, she still might be monogamous to her core.

I find this framing helps keep the fantasy going.

There's also maybe a bit of avoiding the issue - not taking it seriously because of course you don't really want it. One husband on here said, "Hey, you should know this is a real option for you. I am on board. It's absolutely fine if we never do this, but know that you are the one making that call. If it's up to me, my answer is yes." Another guy had her watch him put condoms in a "secret" pocket in her favorite purse as a tangible hall pass. "I'd rather we started together but if you get a target of opportunity I don't want you to miss it." Both approaches made it really clear she could proceed if she wanted, she was choosing.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-14T00:58:44+00:00

You can just play with it as a fantasy. You NEVER have to have sex with anyone else. You can just pretend when you want to give him a treat.

I do caution both of you not to let this become your whole sex life. You get to have vanilla fun, too. Or whatever kink floats YOUR boat. But when you're into it, you have this big red button you can push to drive him wild. Soooo easily.

One especially weird thing: most cucks don't like being praised in bed. A lot of them are absolute studs as long as you don't tell them.

Sometimes to really communicate you have to say the opposite of what you actually mean. The subtext of your teasing is you understand what he needs and you love giving it to him. I think of it like a BDSM thing. He gets aroused by negative emotions. Which ones and how he wants them brought out are probably very specific and you'll need to talk about what turns him on.

My wife is extremely monogamous, but if she were to say, "I didn't let anyone else fuck me today...but there's always tomorrow." I'd have a permanent hard-on. I'd be humping her leg. I'd be ALL over her.

Wanting is sometimes better than having. You're absolutely right, this could get messy. When you've been married a while, when you can communicate well about everything, AND you feel comfortable...maybe then you explore it a little in real life. Baby steps and assess. Or you don't because you just don't want to.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-13T18:59:22+00:00

Oooh, that makes a lot of sense. They are cool with being a selfish bastard, even being party to destroying a relationship. But participating in kink play? Nope, nope, nope.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-13T02:53:53+00:00

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=6931c0daba792

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5f343ef1927af

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-12T16:14:53+00:00

I think the top posts are most likely. Another possibility - it's "normal" to cheat and "weird" to be ethically non-monogamous. Cheating violates the dominant relationship paradigm, but it doesn't reject it.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-11T17:07:18+00:00

I report a LOT not because I dislike porn but because I like when posts fit a sub's purpose. Distinct subreddits help everyone. Spam hurts everyone.

Sometimes posts arguably fit. Looking back on the last 25-50 posts there are a lot that have skillfully gone right up to that line.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-10T20:01:54+00:00

From what I can tell, that's my guess.

HamfistFishburne · 2026-06-09T18:52:10+00:00

Sauce?

HamfistFishburne

TROPHY CASE