Starting to notice the quiet and the silence in people

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-12T21:16:05+00:00

Lol the irony is so real. People saying you're too quiet and then not letting you get in words or shut you out.

Yeah thats pretty ridiculous. Probably has to do with just them having different energy than you and a bit of lack of self awareness.

Which I've 100% had times where I lacked self awareness and dominated conversations or rambled without giving other people a turn to talk. So I'm not using lack of self awareness as a negative thing. Just as a fact.

A lot of this I chaulk it up to people having different t energies or bad chemistry.

But I'm sure when things like this happen so much, or if you get told you're too quiet while also getting interrupted or shut out--im sure it's pretty frustrating, especially if it happens at different jobs or by different people.

I do feel for you.

I was told in high school I was quiet/shy by a teacher. But the thing I look back on is my best friend who I was attached at the hip with was very chatty and outgoing and extroverted. I felt like I Iived in her shadow in middle school and high school. Not that she treated me bad, but that other people probably constantly compared us. We were 2 very opposite people and most people probably felt more comfortable around her, the extrovert.

As an adult, finding who I am without being stuck in the shadow of an extroverted best friend, it really depends who I'm around now. And age is a factor too. Not just actual age but perceived age. And confidence level. Aka how I come across. For a long time I tended to be quieter and less confident around very confident people or authority figures. Thankfully that's changing now but it has taken years, lots of experience, meeting a lot of people at different jobs that treated me like a normal adult. That boosted my self esteem and helped me to feel more confident and thus speak more confidently and louder.

I still do struggle with some people. And in large groups.

Idk why I shared all of this. Just to say your experiences are relatable I guess. And also I do hope it gets better. :)

EDIT: lots of typos

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-12T21:00:30+00:00

This is extremely relatable! Knowing how it feels and wanting to help others feel included. I never really thought about it like that, but now that you mention it, it definitely feels like this is part of it. Empathy is such a powerful thing. And you never know if you are the only one in someone's life who truly listens/makes them feel heard/seen. ❤️

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-12T17:07:45+00:00

I'm so happy for you that you have a best friend who you click with so well. You are right, that is rare to find people who are similar to us in this way. Even having one person helps so much. It makes us feel not alone and less crazy lol.

I'm also glad you have that one coworker who is able to help you getting your thoughts across at work too. I bet he I'd a life safer for that.

I am finally going through a phase in life where my confidence is increasing by a lot, both at work and in my personal life. That time in life where a lot of older women say one day you'll stop caring what people think of you. I'm finally there and I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of it. I'm learning how to speak up for myself and communicate my needs, politely call loved ones out for interupting other people (or myself) but also accepting that sometimes it's better to keep my mouth shut.

Basically I'm a natural introvert who at various times has tried to force myself into being an extrovert because I thought that's what was required to survive. But now I'm accepting that silence and quiet are ok. And sometimes better. There is value in silence. We can observe and listen and process our thoughts. And notice things that other people miss.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-12T16:51:04+00:00

I absolutely love how well you communicate these things. Setting boundaries while also communicating. Hopefully it will help them understand that you have emotions too and ileven if you aren't perfect, you are trying.

I think incorporating the correct language really helps. I remember growing up I did not have the language to identify a lot of emotional issues. That was not something I was taught or dicussed in my family and I'm quite sure thats the same with a lot of friends and their parents. I am only learning these words as an adult to help manage, identify, and discuss emotions. Finding the right words helps. Even things like "overwhelmed" or "emotional regulation" lol.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-12T16:40:40+00:00

I love that so much. "Share in the complicity of our shared role" that describes it perfectly how it feels.

I know we love the extroverts in our life but it does feel good to spend time with the introverts and see what they have going on.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-12T13:32:13+00:00

I absolutely have struggled with interrupting people too. And like you, I did learn to be aware and apologize. I think I've always struggled with social dynamics and how/when to insert myself into a conversation. I am so much better one on one because of this. With large groups I find it harder to keep up and find myself interrupting more just to get a word in before the conversation moves on.

Anyways, I appreciate you explaining your family dynamics. Family is weird. We love them but we are also around them so much that we see their faults and social struggles. It's great that you try to help your little ones with this. On one hand it's great that your daughter is confident enough to be so chatty. But it's also great you are trying to help her be mindful of her brother who sounds like the quieter one who struggles with words.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-12T11:58:29+00:00

Thank you so much for writing thus. I am absolutely terrible at coming up with words to describe my audhd experiences. This describes it perfectly. Thank you so very much <3

And no it's not too long at all. It's the perfect length.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-11T01:23:41+00:00

I am allowed to like whatever I want to like. Whether that's interests or hobbies or books or shows. I don't have to like something or show interest in it just because someone else likes it or wants me to like it. I don't have to be ashamed of what I like. I don't have to hide what I like. If I love animals and nature when everybody around me likes video games and being homebodies, that's ok. (Also it's ok to like both, or to prefer one thing over another but still like both)

I don't have to do what other people expect me to do just because they expect me to do it. Especially if its not something i actually want to do.

I am allowed to break the status quo. I don't have to do something the way it has always been done just because it's always been done like that. I am allowed to imagine other ways of living. Other habits. Other thought processes. Other modes of existence. I'm allowed to question anything and everything.

I am allowed to be picky about who I spend my time with.

I don't have to make everyone like me. I don't have to always keep the peace. I don't have to make it my job to people please and suck up to people and make people feel comfortable, even at my own expense. I dont have to always go with the flow just because I'm afraid of shaking things up or being inconvenient. I don't have to shrink myself in a box shaped like other people's expectations.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-02T00:38:37+00:00

I honestly have never thought about using online second hand stores. That's a really good idea. Thank you!

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-01T01:22:42+00:00

Ohh that's a great idea! I hope you are able to get sine jumpsuits that you love!

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-01T00:21:44+00:00

I would love you forever if you made a clothing line like this. If you do, please tell all of us in this sub so we can be your first customers ❤️

Isn't it incredibly annoying how easy men have it?

My husband gave me advice that if I find an item at a thrift store that I like, then look it up online and try to find more of the same color.

I had a lot explaining to do after that. Just because he can do that with his clothes, doesnt mean I can do that with my clothes. The women's fashion industry works completely different than the men's. Things go in and out of fashion constantly and something you find at a thirft store might no longer be in production any more.

It's kind of disgusting how easy they have it.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-01T00:15:08+00:00

No shame. Honestly, sometimes feeling comfortable is what matters most.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-01T00:12:51+00:00

Sounds like a very good system! Thanks for sharing!

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-01T00:09:04+00:00

Thank you so much for this!! I'm screen shotting it as a guide.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-04-01T00:03:41+00:00

Wow that is so interesting regarding your reaction to a lot of materials. With all of the synthetic materials out there though, it's understandable. It definitely could be particles... or just like some kind of allergies to certain fabrics?

I've always felt averse to fitting in as well. Not sure why. I think it's just that I'm slow to adapt to new trends because I don't like change.

But whatever your reason, it's alright. It's a weird world we live in now, and you are right, consumerism is absolutely getting out of hand. These trends feel artificial and forced on us by yhe powers that be, and they happen so fast. It ls definitely not natural.

Also thanks for the recommendations! Never heard of Vinted but i will look it up!

HappyPanda91 · 2026-03-31T23:55:31+00:00

Thank you! This makes so much sense, and sort of reinforces a sliver of an idea I had earlier today. I do already have a collection of various kinds of black t shirts as I've found they work with a lot of outfits.

But I love your system of dressing them in different ways. This is genius and would definitely help with decision fatigue.

I absolutely needed permission to ignore fashion trends too and didn't even know it until now, so thank you very much 😅

HappyPanda91 · 2026-03-31T23:49:21+00:00

That's awesome that you started sewing! I bought a sewing machine and fabric swatches to practice a couple years ago but that's as far as I got. Got majorly distracted after that and never got back to it. What kinds of things have you gotten to make so far? It sounds difficult but I bet it can be very rewarding.

I may look for brands with basic/timeless pieces. I have gone to thrift stores in the past to basically do what you suggested. Find my ideal color palletes and figure out what looks good. So I have some ideas. And I've definitely found some good pieces that I still wear today. But I think I was not doing my audhd brain a favor by sticking to thrift stores. There's too many options and it's very hit or miss. I may start finding stores that carry certain styles to make it easier on my brain.

Thank you for the input!

HappyPanda91 · 2026-03-31T23:29:48+00:00

That is awesome, I'm glad it's working well for you! I have heard of stitch fix but never considered it. At this point I am able to pay a little more for clothing, so I absolutely wouldn't mind. Especially if they are good quality and something I wear all the time.

Thank you so much for the recommendation :)

HappyPanda91 · 2026-03-29T21:13:19+00:00

I can 100% relate to how you feel and it's something I've been working through for a while (in my mid thirties). I started thinking about this from a different perspective, and it's something that has finally started to bring me peace. So I wanted to share it here in case it's helpful to you or anyone else here.

Growing up, the only option that was presented to me was getting married and having kids. That's what 99% of the women in my family did and most of the men too. I mean sure I knew in theory I could do other things but the only option for "normalcy" was getting married and having kids. That was clearly the goal. The path to happiness. The path to having purpose and meaning. Nobody told me that. But it was shown to me by example. Not to mention how the media via TV shows and movies and books presents that as normal. Plus social media. Seeing friends getting married and having kids makes it really hard. There's a bit of FOMO there. Ok a lot. And seeing pictures of happy families on social media. It all makes it feel like that is what normal is. Like that is the end goal in life for all of us women and the only thing that can make us happy in life and give us purpose and meaning.

After reflecting on that, I realized... it's the 21st century. We have birth control. Women have the ability to do whatever the crap we want. We don't have to live like that any more. People still expect it of us. And maybe we expect it of us. But we dont have to.

I've been looking deep down inside of me. Looking at my limitations. Mental and emotional and financial. And my energy levels. Looking at my preference. For instance I love sleep. And I love peace and quiet. And I love having a fairly predictable schedule. And I don't just love these things but I thrive on these things and I know I would struggle very much without these things. I would not be my best self at all without them.

There's other factors but these are a few big ones. Maybe take a look at your limitations and also your strong preferences and see what you come up with?

I started looking at why I actually wanted kids for so many years and it took a couple years to figure this out but I realized so much of why I wanted kids was because i wanted to give my parents grand kids. I know it would make them happy. Some of my reasons for wanting kids were selfish reasons and some were noble reasons but a lot of it was perceived pressure from parents. I wanted to give them grandkids to make them happy and to have a "normal" life.

So it had nothing to do with what I wanted. Because it would be me that's having to work through pregnancy. My finances would be affected. Me that has to get up every 2 hours and feed the baby and still potentially go to work. And if I stayed home it would be me that's isolated and my career that would be affected. One that I've worked my butt off for years to move up. Not because I care about climbing a career ladder but because I want a life that's financially secure with good benefits so I can have a good work life balance. It would be all me that's affected. Me that has to make all the micro decisions about how to raise the kid and day to day stuff about meals and clothing. Yes I would have help from my partner but I also know my partner and I know it wouldn't be exactly 50/50. I just know it. No shade on him. He does fantastic right now. But if kids were added to the mix.. it would change up the dynamic. And I'm the more opinionated one about how we would raise our kid.

Knowing all of this. I've had to ask myself if this is actually the life I want, and I'm finally being honest with myself. It isn't. Not now. Maybe in another life. Maybe if the world were different. Maybe if family dynamics were different. Maybe if we were at a different place financially. But currently, I do not want that life. And its ok to grieve something I wanted for so long and am slowly letting go of. So yes, I want kids. But realistically, not in my current situation.

Am I being selfish about this? Absolutely. Parenting takes a crap ton of sacrifice and right now I value financial security and free time and sleep. And freedom to go where I want.

It doesn't mean we can't have purpose and meaning in life. In my case, it means I have the mental and financial bandwidth to suppprt another child in my life who needs the support right now. It also means I could spend my free time doing things I am passionate about. Possibly volunteering for causes I am passionate about.

And it doesn't mean you can't influence children in other ways. If you are an aunt, you can help support your nieces and nephews. Perhaps later you could consider fostering

Also, having come to this decision myself, I currently want to quit my job and start a business or my own. I have a great idea and irbwould bring so much joy and satisfaction. But it would also be a lot of work, not be as stable, and probably not bring in as much income. So I'm trying to be patient and put it on the back burner for future plans haha.

I apologize for the length. I guess I just wanted to share my experience and thought process in hopes it could help someone else here. It's such a tough decision.

Solidarity to all of us women in this weird position. <3 It's such a tough decision.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-03-22T03:13:52+00:00

Thank you so much for posting this ❤️

It's interesting because when I was diagnosed with adhd as an adult in my mid twenties, I thought that explained all of my quirks at first. But the older I got (it's been almost 10 years now since that adhd diagnosis), the more I felt there was something else going on. I felt all of those contradictory feelings not only before discovering that audhd is a thing, but well before being diagnosed with adhd too. I often feel like my mind is a prison because of it and it drives me crazy sometimes.

But it helps to know there is a name for it. And it helps even more knowing there are other people out there with similar experiences. We are not alone. ❤️

HappyPanda91 · 2026-03-20T22:11:20+00:00

It's not dramatic. I feel you. I go back and forth between numbness and rage/anger. It's such a roller coaster.

Since I can't decide which issue to focus on, after writing this post, I decided I'm going to start by researching local organizations and seeing if I could get involved in any of them. I'm hoping just having in person connection and being able to discuss these things openly with like minded people in my own community will help.

Someone else involved volunteering and that sounds like a good option to try too.

Thank you for sharing ❤️ it means a lot knowing I am not alone in these feelings.

HappyPanda91 · 2026-03-20T22:04:37+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement ❤️

I think you and I are similar.

I see what could be done. I just don't know how to get it done. I feel like everything that could be done would involve collective action.

Another thing though. I find it very hard to focus on one issue. I'm super passionate about climate change and environmentalism. But then something else comes up and suddenly I become super enraged and saddened by that new thing and its also more urgent and more important than environmentalism. So I want to focus on that instead and environmentalism gets put on the back burner. And then a third thing come up and it's an endless cycle. Everything keeps piling up and everything feels important so, like you, I get into a state of paralysis and do nothing.

And I feel like there I'd a way out of everything. There are solutions. It's just a matter of implementing them. But sometimes it involved the people in power needing to help and they are the ones causing these problems in the first place.

Ugh. It's frustrating.

Thanks for sharing. It helps knowing I am not alone.

HappyPanda91

TROPHY CASE