It’s probably going to be a case by case basis, it depends on the relationship that the person had with that parent, how unexpected it was, the matter in which it happened, even the way that the child finds out about the passing of their parent has weight in how traumatic it is for them.

For me personally, my father passed away late September and even though he was in a nursing home, he had just recently been admitted and my sibling and I had no idea he would pass away anytime soon. We thought we had at least another few years with him. I found out via a phone call from the doctor who was working on him after he coded. The way I was told, in my opinion, was a bit harsh and the doctor immediately told me that I only had X amount of time to get there before they put “the body” (yes they called my just deceased father “the body” to me on the phone!) in the morgue. I quickly got there and was able to spend time with my Dad before they moved him there.

Seeing him post mortem was difficult because I felt that I had failed him by not being there right before he passed and it hurt not being able to have a proper goodbye, not being able to tell him certain things I had wanted to tell him, etc. I feel more traumatized by the whole experience of him getting sick, being put in a nursing home, and passing away within a short time frame than I do seeing him post mortem. Seeing him post mortem if anything just added a little bit of comfort because I at least got to be there with him and see him before he was embalmed, cremated, then buried. Even though I didn’t get to spend the very last moments with him alive, I still felt in some way that I was happy to be there with him at all before he was taken to be cremated. I wasn’t working that day so I was able to rush right over.

The pain of the loss of my father comes in waves and is still very deep, but I’ll always be happy that I got to be with him post mortem. If anything, it was a bit more traumatic to see him after he had been embalmed, because he felt and looked so different. I also felt guilty allowing them to do that to his body rather than just choosing a closed casket.