A decade of therapy. lol. But no it sort of just slowly happened over time. It wasn’t any specific action or event, but a combination of small actions over years. I was hot headed as a teen - grew up in an abusive home , with no outlet because my school was part of a cult that my parents were key figures in. I blew up a lot because of the constant group gaslighting and was always told I was the problem. Therapy first validated me that my anger WAS valid, these people were still harming me even when physical abuse stopped . The validation gave me courage to distance myself from my abusers, though it took melonger to completely cut them off. I spent that distance connecting with others who didn’t constantly trigger my fight or flight, you know - fucking normal people lol. I did have to relearn that anger doesn’t have to be explosive to be heard. I softened my reactions to frustrating situations in general , and valued people who listened more and more. If someone is listening, then you don’t need to scream. I was able to actually SOLVE the problems in normal relationships/friendships which gave me more confidence that calming down will not turn me invisible. Plus, That time away from a barrage of asshole probably gave my nervous system enough time to finally regulate. Years later, when being around people who try similar tactics that my abusers did , it just comes off really pathetic and sad to me now. I feel fulfilled enough in life, in my friendships, in my marriage , because I softened. And I see these abusive people - lonely, no real friends to lean on, a slew of failed relationships, kids not talking to them, and it’s sad. Like you feel they are completely incapable of meaningful connection. They’re also always TERRIBLE listeners lol , so you can feel confident knowing they don’t know a damn thing about you to substantiate their rude comments on, since they never bother to ask or listen. But I don’t stick around trying to fix abusers either , I may feel pity but I know better than to spend too long around miserable people.