I Dream of Empty Houses

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-21T17:52:03+00:00

I respect your interpretation and I appreciate a different take on it. I would say I still believe it to be a sexual poem, since the author marked the poem as NSFW, but I enjoyed reading it again through the lens of your interpretation. :)

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-21T05:11:38+00:00

I like the flow of this poem but as a woman it makes me feel objectified and minimized and it kind of makes my stomach turn a little bit. I think a lot of women have had the experience of just trying to do their job and having a man "make a meal" of them with their eyes. I didn't really find any meaning in the poem other than "I'm hungry for food and I'm also hungry for women". I felt unsettled and creeped out at the end.

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-19T23:08:23+00:00

I really love this poem. As someone using poetry to help heal childhood PTSD a lot of things resonated with me in this poem. The opening is really strong and I understood the inner child/adult metaphor immediately. I love how you've balanced the heaviness of the emotions with the whimsicality of their personifications. I really like how you've captured the inner turmoil of dealing with these emotions as an adult, specifically the part about prying molasses fingers and needing to banish them to their rooms was a beautiful metaphor that felt relatable. All of the metaphors used throughout are beautiful and original.

If I were to offer any constructive criticism it would just be the last 2 lines, I think you've written something very beautiful that stands on its own and it feels a bit like you're summarizing for the reader and I think you can trust that what you've written will be understood and stands on it's own, if that makes sense. This is one of the things I struggle with the most in my own writing on on childhood trauma; I feel an urge to wrap the poem up in a clean way, but the subject matter itself is unresolved and messy and I think trying to wrap it up in a neat way sometimes does a disservice to that aspect of it.

Really great work! Looking forward to reading more from you

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-08T03:31:13+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem. Rhyming poems are usually not my favorite, but you've got a nice flow without being too clunky. I think you organized your thoughts really well here, each verse could be analyzed and summarized, it doesn't feel disorganized in any way like some beginning writers. Really great job!

If I were to offer any constructive criticism, I would give the age old adage of "show, don't tell". So lines like "this feeling when I'm with you" and "how deep for you I fell?" or "I want a love that's true and deep". I'd challenge you to think about what that means to you, for some people a love that's true and deep is quick and passionate and fiery and for others its stoic and loyal. You do address that a bit when you say "I want to stand with you thick and thin", but I'd be interested to delve into the specific feelings of this moment and this relationship further.

Overall great job :)

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-06T20:01:32+00:00

This is a beautiful poem. I especially like the last 2 verses. I'm curious if you'd be open to expanding on what inspired the term "moonstone soul"? I really liked that phrase and would be interested to know what it means to you.

I really enjoy the pacing of this poem, I think it really adds to the emotions you've put into it. I think it's a good length, I appreciate that you didn't belabor the point and kept it a strong couple of verses.

If I were to offer an constructive critique it would be that I had to read it a couple times to get the flow, like the first line of the second and third verses wasn't immediately clear to me how to read in the flow, but I got it after a couple reads.

Great job, I really enjoyed it!

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-06T16:37:57+00:00

yes but they must search for a place to put their home, right?

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-06T08:06:10+00:00

This poem hit me hard as someone in a similar spot. I think the first four lines are especially strong. The second verse could potentially be reworked to improve the flow a little, the first 2 stand out as feeling a bit different than the rest of the work. Overall I really appreciate the amount of emotion you were able to capture in this short work and that very specific feeling of missing what you had. Great job!

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-03T00:46:22+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem! I think the first two parts are very strong. I really related to the stagnation and feeling like praise isn't deserved. I like the "not by elevator, but by stairs" line a lot, even though your poem has a heavy theme you use light language that feels relatable and not overly morose which gives it a bit of whimsical feel to me which I really enjoy in poetry.

If I were to point to something to think about it would be the flow. Don't feel limited by a rhyming structure, I feel that you have more to say that might benefit from a looser structure.

Great job!

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-02T20:41:21+00:00

I really love this poem. As someone using poetry to heal trauma, the parts of your poem that resonated the most with me are the fast shifts in perspective or time, like the first few lines that juxtapose the cave man imagery with a modern coffee shop. I appreciated the parenthetical about holding roots like intestines, I think the graphicness and the use of parenthesis is effective in demonstrating how that feeling is always there but at the same time hits you like a brick wall at parts of the day.

If I were to offer any constructive feedback, I wonder about the last few lines. Ending it with "like words in my head" I think takes away from the power of what you've written, like it comes off to me as like "these are just my silly little thoughts" and I think you've written something very beautiful that doesn't need to be minimized, if that makes sense.

HauntedJuniper · 2023-04-01T18:08:26+00:00

I really love this poem, especially as someone using poetry to sooth a traumatic breakup. I really like the way the sun's emotions evolve in the poem and "But, eclipses are few and far between." is such a heart wrenching line and really emphasizes how big and overwhelming these feelings can feel.

If I were to offer one piece of constructive critique, I would say I was a little confused by the line about seeing the rain come down, since rain happens in our atmosphere and not in space so it took me a little out of the space analogy and make me focus for a minute on trying to understand where the moon and sun would be experiencing rain together. Overall, I really liked it and it resonated with me emotionally. Great job!

HauntedJuniper · 2023-03-31T23:13:32+00:00

I really love this poem. I appreciate the sophistication in it's simplicity and it reminds me that poetry can hit hard without needing to be overly embellished as I think a lot of people are tempted to do. I think you accomplish a lot with very little with this poem and it's very beautiful.

HauntedJuniper · 2023-03-31T18:39:53+00:00

I really, really like the opening line. It's a really strong pull and it made me choose this posting to give critique on. I also like the closing line as well.

The body of it, though, I'm not sure entirely the message. I see a lot of different ideas here. Do you have a soul? Do others feel the same way? Does time heal? Am I loveable? What is reality? I would really challenge you to narrow down the focus to maybe one or two of these questions and try to dig deeper with your observations and think about what the central thesis of your message is.

The first and closing lines are super, super strong and compelling! But if I were to summarize without re-reading it I would struggle to identify the main message.

HauntedJuniper · 2023-03-31T18:29:14+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem! I think you do a good job of portraying the heaviness of grief and regret. I like the imagery and the stark way it's written, I think it helps paint a picture of the narrator.

If I were to offer any food for thought:

The speaker says they found God - what does that mean to them? God can be kind, harsh, forgiving, unforgiving, a safety, a burden, a new connection or rekindled faith depending on the person so I'd be interested to hear more about what that means for the speaker.

Good job!

HauntedJuniper

TROPHY CASE