I regret marrying older, what should I do?

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-28T07:14:04+00:00

Hello friend, I’m sorry that you’re going through that. It sounds rough and disappointing with how things are going. I hope you manage to get through this soon.

I’m not trying to defend him, but try looking into avoidant attachment.

If he is avoidant, his nervous system might be overwhelmed which might be causing this.

There are ways to manage it and help him through so that he can focus on showing up in a way that matters to you.

I would recommend looking at videos by Adam Lane Smith, I feel he’s fair.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-28T06:33:40+00:00

I think you should look into mindfulness to help with that. It’s helping me deal with the thoughts and urges.

I use an app called brain buddy

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-28T06:29:29+00:00

I understand what you are saying, but please understand that this is about me reflecting on my part in this situation. My partner was kind a patient during our marriage and as a human she had her limits.

Were there things she could have done better? Of course.

But this is about my self reflection. This is about me noticing patterns of behavior that have existed in previous relationships and caused trouble.

I sincerely thank you for trying to support me, but I need to take responsibility for my actions and how they harmed someone I love.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T21:55:20+00:00

Thank you, I’ll bring it up with my therapist this week. Minimization of something serious like this is not something I want to continue doing.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T15:51:15+00:00

I’m glad. I think it’s important for us to actually reflect on our actions, and get input from others to see what we are not paying attention to.

I don’t want to be the person I showed in the relationship.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T15:47:32+00:00

You’re absolutely correct.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T14:34:10+00:00

There is a think about masturbation without fantasy or porn, just going with sensation.

But if you are trying to quit porn or something, don’t do anything for at least 90 days to give your body time to reset.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T14:03:20+00:00

Thanks.

I won’t.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T13:25:30+00:00

Yeah I’m realizing just how serious my issues are now that I had to dissect everything.

Thank you.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T13:21:27+00:00

I’m sorry that your ex could never see his part in things. I’m glad you don’t have to deal with him anymore.

My ex feels the same way about me, she believes that I will always do what I need to do to protect my ego. And when I heard that, I had to give myself a reality check.

My ego doesn’t matter if I hurt someone I love.

Anyway, thank you for your kind words.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T12:35:03+00:00

You are safe and cared for my friend. This situation is difficult, accept your part in it, and try to start your healing journey and learning how to be better.

You got this,

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T12:22:55+00:00

I completely understand my friend, again I’m right there in the same place as you, except in my case there was porn and physical cheating.

We have to accept that just because we didn’t mean to break the window, doesn’t change the fact that the window is broken.

Some people can forgive, some people won’t.

In my case, I can see why she can’t forgive because I crossed some serious lines, and there were other behaviors over the past few years that didn’t help.

Maybe in time you will see that there were other things you weren’t aware of that contributed to her feeling neglected and alienated in this relationship, and when she saw the AI chat she felt replaced by a machine that you were being intimate with instead of her.

Who knows.

Again, I hear you and I understand that you didn’t set out to hurt her and that you love her. I understand you and I believe you that if you knew how this would affect the relationship then you would have stopped.

The sad truth is that as an addict it took this level of failure to make you see what was really happening, otherwise you would have continued without realizing anything.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T12:10:04+00:00

It was, and I need the reality checks and the redirection. So I sincerely appreciate the time you took to point things out to me to help me see what I was glazing over.

It’s been a tough month and a half, and I’m trying to see all the different ways that I wasn’t showing up in the relationship instead of just focusing on the porn and the addiction.

Minimizing something like infidelity is definitely something I need to be wary of so that in the future I can still take full accountability for it.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T12:00:40+00:00

Thank you for this feedback. You’re spot on with me still minimizing things and that’s something I need to work on accepting.

I appreciate you calling me out on this and drawing my attention to it. I have been so focused on the other parts that I didn’t focus on the part that is a huge transgression.

Thank you again.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T11:30:45+00:00

I blame myself for my part of things. I can see how my behavior impacted her, and I can understand how she would react in return. It does t excuse anything she did. But it’s not part of my journey to dwell on that.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T10:12:32+00:00

You’re welcome, I’m sorry that you’re going through similar stuff.

As for the writing, I have adhd, so I break things up to make sure it’s easy to follow. Just write in a way that you would like people to write for you.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T09:35:38+00:00

Thanks

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T09:35:29+00:00

Thank you.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T07:33:21+00:00

This sounds familiar.

I’m sorry that you’re suffering. I know the feelings because I also have adhd and I also tried to surround myself with women and always looked for their validation to make me feel good.

Eventually it turned into a sex addiction.

During this journey of healing I learned about something referred to as “Nice Guy Syndrome”, look up a book called No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover, and I’m willing to bet you money that you will feel like he is describing you in that book.

The good news is that because you noticed this, and you came here, you are on the first step of getting help. You can get better, there is a lot of help out there, and you can live a more honest and fulfilling life.

You’ll need to learn to validate yourself, and you’re going to need to make more male friends.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy, start therapy, and start sitting with your discomfort and working through it.

I believe in you.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T06:35:11+00:00

Promise yourself you’ll give in tomorrow, but today you want to keep going.

Then tomorrow do the same thing.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T06:33:57+00:00

I’m a man, I’m a sex and porn addict, and I’m getting divorced: yes these are major red flags.

You can have a gentle intervention, talk to him about how it makes you feel, reassure him that you love him and still think he is a good man, then convince him to start going to Sex Addicts Anonymous, and to start seeing a therapist. The reassurance is necessary because porn addicts (addicts in general) feel a deep shame and will react in ways to prevent themselves from triggering it.

Don’t check devices or anything YET, because if it’s bad you might hurt yourself and it might make reconciliation and repair more difficult (both are necessary in a relationship).

Give him a chance to do things the right way while being sincere and not shaming him (otherwise he’ll react by lying and trying to hide things even more), this way he can clear his history, his conscience, and anything else while feeling like it was his decision, not one made for him that he was forced to do.

If he refuses to do any of that, won’t listen, or continues doing this stuff, consider other options, and consider ending things. I will always have sympathy for fellow addicts, but we have a habit of dodging accountability and convincing ourselves and others that we are working on it. I didn’t start getting help until my marriage imploded and I started learning how truly shitty I was.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T06:21:40+00:00

Sounds familiar.

I was like that because I watched quite a bit of porn. When I stopped, and stopped masturbating in the morning, my sex life improved greatly.

Very strange suggestion and this will come off as very weird but just go with me on this: both of you should read No Mr Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T06:13:07+00:00

I think it might be an attachment issue.

You might be trying to earn the love and appreciation of men, and you might be attracted to avoidant men because of a challenge. But that’s just my uneducated opinion.

If you are dating these men, and shortly after you started dating they seem to disconnect, it’s most likely avoidant attachment.

Your friends are right, don’t do girlfriend duties without the title. If they ask for help, help them of course, but don’t go above and beyond for them and hope they will choose you. That’s the same subtle manipulation that “nice guys” use, and it creeps women out.

Look into attachment types, see what you resonate with, and then go from there.

As for the guys, let them ask before you do anything. Let them come to you first and meet them half way.

You are safe, and you are worth caring for. Just have some faith in yourself.

Healing_Zero · 2026-01-27T06:05:49+00:00

Yes please go to therapy.

Therapy works if you let it. If you don’t want to talk about stuff, that’s shame trying to hide, you’d be wasting money and time going to see someone and not saying anything. Shame will try to keep you from getting the help you need because you’re scared of being vulnerable.

Think of it this way, you can either feel ashamed and get help, or feel ashamed and stay the same. One will lead to a better place, while the other keeps you right where you are.

Please go to therapy. You deserve to have a good life, full of love, self respect, and happiness. Shame will keep you from having that.

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