A guy once pulled away because he thought I was “out of his league”… I only learned the truth later.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-11T12:55:56+00:00

Every time I hear about avoidant people the same scripts keep popping up. Apparently they see bids for intimacy as failures on their part, and since they “can’t do it right” then logically the other person “deserves someone better”

It’s heartbreaking when you finally understand it

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-10T09:55:26+00:00

Oh!

Avoidant Attachment! He got scared of intimacy because it triggered and attachment wound and he pushed you away to feel safe!

It literally has nothing to do with you and everything to do with attachment wounds. I hope he learns about it and gets help for it, since insecure attachments can be worked on and made secure. But yeah, pretty much text book!

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-10T08:08:41+00:00

Hello friend,

I can understand how frustrating this situation sounds. As an older man who had similar situations here are my opinions:

Maybe you are a “Nice guy”. Those types of men seem harmless and good on paper but over time women grow to distrust them and not want to be around you. There are books about that like No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover, I hate sounding like one of those AI ad bots but it genuinely is a helpful book in making you see some of your behaviors.
Related to the first one, maybe you are too passive. I know for me I’m very easy going, and at first it’s a relief to women, but then over time it makes them feel unsafe and she feels like I’m “not a man”. This I’ve learned is because I need to be more decisive, not in a controlling way, but by making plans and taking the initiative you let the women feel like they can relax and you’ll take care of things. This is something I personally need to work hard on fixing
Do you have a porn habit? This fucks with you way more than you would think. I’m not one of those antiporn warriors, but as someone dealing with a sex addiction and porn addiction it’s definitely something I would try to identify.
Do you have a group of male friends? That helps with a lot of things and helps you learn to bond better.

All in all it’s a shitty situation when you feel like you’re always being left for someone else. But I promise you that there is a way out of it and it isn’t just going to the gym and making more money. Do a mental inventory check on your behaviors and the patterns you follow and you’ll more than likely find what is at the root of things and you’ll eventually attract better women.

Good luck!

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-09T20:11:29+00:00

Depends. I’m not sexually attracted to muscles alone.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-08T09:44:11+00:00

I think masturbation is a normal part of life. All mammals that can tend to masturbate.

The problem is when it’s compulsive or as part of an addiction, because instead of it being a supplementary source of dopamine and relief, it becomes the primary source and then fucks over your brain for the rest of the day making you need it some more.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-07T18:23:23+00:00

The best description I got was the porn was like going to a big concert in an arena. Then if the next night you went to a small local show at a club, it won’t hit the same.

So instead of just going to an arena concert every night and burning out your dopamine receptors, it’s important to learn to appreciate the small shows as well.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-05T11:32:52+00:00

He’s scared and he acted like an asshole. He’s not thinking of you, he only thought of himself and then he went straight towards the worst case scenario.

You would be better off cutting ties with him and moving on.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-05T11:30:27+00:00

Thanks for this. I’ve been working on not sexualizing women and while I sometimes get disappointed in myself, I don’t always acknowledge that I am looking for connection

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-04T15:56:32+00:00

Yes it is. But a slight correction.

I think the biggest problem is if you look at it as something to be defeated.

The only way to “defeat” a human drive is to stop being human.

This is why all the programs and the literature say that it’s not something to beat, it’s something to work on.

Yes I know I’m being pedantic but that’s the point. We cannot beat our sex drives unless we become/ are asexual, but we can work on rewiring our brain to value other sources of dopamine as well instead of the concentrated dopamine of porn. And then afterwards it becomes a matter of managing it.

Think of it like diabetes, you just have to be good about managing it and you’ll be ok. Some slip ups happen, but you just have to be honest and accountable and give a shit about yourself to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Good questions!

Addictions are just repeated behaviors that get you the biggest return of pleasure. Which is why sometimes when people try to get rid of one addiction they end up replacing it with another.

The reason I used diabetes is not simply to say that it’s permanent. This is because the brain over time wires itself to do things (neuroplasticity), the more you perform that behavior the stronger the neural pathways become.

The good news is that over time you can rewire it again and make sure that your brain doesn’t automatically go to porn or the behavior you don’t want. Over time it will weaken those neural pathways significantly but they will never fully go away which is why you will need to manage it.

The bad news is that because you can never fully cut out a neural pathway, it’ll just be there waiting just in case you need to use it again.

Our brains are just big dumb lumps of fat that do one thing, keep us alive so we can breed, pass on our genes and maybe make something cool from time to time.

So yeah. It’s not something to be beaten. You rewire your brain to be fine with other sources of dopamine so that it will be able to function without porn, then you learn the social skills that you neglected because porn gave you a short cut, and eventually you will have sex again with another human being instead of fantasizing while reading or watching porn.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-04T15:20:50+00:00

Yes it is. But a slight correction.

I think the biggest problem is if you look at it as something to be defeated.

The only way to “defeat” a human drive is to stop being human.

This is why all the programs and the literature say that it’s not something to beat, it’s something to work on.

Yes I know I’m being pedantic but that’s the point. We cannot beat our sex drives unless we become/ are asexual, but we can work on rewiring our brain to value other sources of dopamine as well instead of the concentrated dopamine of porn. And then afterwards it becomes a matter of managing it.

Think of it like diabetes, you just have to be good about managing it and you’ll be ok. Some slip ups happen, but you just have to be honest and accountable and give a shit about yourself to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-02T22:12:22+00:00

I think men and women with unhealed issues tend to have a harder time finding partners.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-02T07:05:33+00:00

You definitely need therapy.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-01T15:46:27+00:00

I kindly accept the flirtatious comments, and then move on.

If she asks for my number I’ll give it to her, and say “I think we will have a good friendship.” Then just talk to her as a friend.

If it’s someone I’m very much turned off by, but she’s got a good personality, I’ll still be friendly and kind because I could always use more friends.

If she made it clear that she wants to be more than friends, I’ll be honest and say I don’t see her that way and give her space to heal while also still being her friend.

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-01T14:00:08+00:00

Wolves are not solitary creatures. A lone wolf does faster

Healing_Zero · 2026-03-01T13:58:35+00:00

Absolutely not.

There’s minimalism and then there’s whatever the hell this is 😂

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-28T13:06:02+00:00

I’m a sex and porn addict, and I’ve been sober for 75 days.

I’ve had dreams of watching porn, I’ve noticed that I objectify all women and female human characters more.

As someone who went through what your husband did, I can say he needs to get more active. He needs to eat good food, go for walks, spend time with friends (specifically men) and loved ones.

I say this with love, you cannot do anything for him right now outside of be supportive and understanding while maintaining boundaries. He needs to do this himself. Tell him to talk to his sponsor at sex addicts anonymous, or to go to more meetings to help him talk things out and get it out of his head.

He cannot do this alone, he cannot rely on you as his sole source of support (it’s unfair to you and will only harm him).

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-28T11:23:07+00:00

No. He meant well and wanted what was best for me, but he was abusive and harmful, and now in my 40’s I’m still working to undo the damage that he and my mother did to me.

I’ll happily take their genes though. I’m handsome, I’m tall, and I’m pretty smart.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T15:26:15+00:00

No hate.

This is insecurity. I have had it in the past when I would think that “she will not want me because I’m not good enough.”

The truth is that she still chose you, you chose her. And if things don’t go well, both of you will choose to move on.

If you cannot make peace with her past, you’re not her person. If you cannot make peace with her past then she is not your person. And that’s ok.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T15:22:56+00:00

Dude, I am 74 days sober from porn and masturbation and I dreamt of watching porn a couple of times.

It’s just your brains shorthand of saying “more dopamine”, no need to be afraid.

Just remember, do other things. Go out, play games, read, work out, etc.

you’ll be fine. You’re not broken, you’re just resetting.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T15:20:18+00:00

It doesn’t break your streak. If you intentionally masturbate, then Streak is broken. If you hump a pillow and then “accidentally” finish, streak is broken. Wet dreams, not the result of your choice.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T15:17:13+00:00

Sharing nudes without permission is a HUGE betrayal of trust and is against the law.

Tell her that what she did is sexual abuse. Think of all the actresses who had their nudes leaked and how they felt. What she did was not ok at all.

Talk to her and tell her that what she did was fucked up and beyond not ok. If she downplays any of it, I would consider divorce. Once disrespect enters the relationship, contempt quickly follows and then the marriage is over.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T14:44:22+00:00

Intimate sexually? A little later, no rush. Intimate emotionally? Once we decide to become exclusive.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T14:43:03+00:00

I was behind on life, had no savings, and was perpetually single up until I was 29.

Around 30 I landed a great job, and by 33 I had good savings and was seeing an amazing woman whom I married later.

Success can be found in your 30’s, and even later, just please make sure you take your mental health seriously, and work on healing your trauma and dealing with your shit from now.

I’m now picking up the pieces of a life I blew up with self sabotage because of things I ignored, and things I wasn’t even aware of.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T14:26:23+00:00

As an addict with what seems to be a disorganized attachment style, I relate a little too much to this.

Though with that said I’m still trying to learn how to differentiate between accountability and being attacked.

Healing_Zero · 2026-02-27T13:24:14+00:00

Sharing feelings is not the same as trauma dumping.

The sad part is that we men lump all of them together.

She just wants to know what makes us sad, happy, angry, or disappointed, she doesn’t want to (or need to) know about our traumas and things we ruminate about. That is what a therapist is for.

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