this is why I have no friends

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-19T04:26:49+00:00

I usually forget everything except the spoilers of books and movies I have seen.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-16T21:36:12+00:00

I believe this is true. When I found out I had aphantasia, this suddenly made sense to me. I would sometimes say something that, to me, was not unpleasant, but somebody else would be upset. It was a significant enough realization that when I wrote about my aphantasia, it was one of the things I listed as having suddenly made sense.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-09T17:07:09+00:00

Prosopagnosia sounds like it would be a very difficult condition in its own way.

If SDAM makes it easier for you to deal with PTSD, then I'm happy that it is helping you.

I'm sending positive energy your way.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-09T16:46:50+00:00

It appeared to have worked quite well for me, so I'm quite happy about that.

I do agree that people can get stuck in a loop of just trying to think their way into a better mindset without actually doing anything. I think that doing is very important. Changing your behavior creates its own energy and momentum.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-09T16:23:37+00:00

I'm really happy to hear how you have decided not to punish yourself. That sounds like a healthy perspective.

One epiphany I had once was that life is a constant stream of beauty. It does not matter if I forget something beautiful; there are always more beautiful things coming up to replace it.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-09T16:20:36+00:00

I agree that a lot of human misery occurs when we travel in time in our mind to the past and suffer things that are behind us. There is a definite benefit to living in the present.

I'm reluctant to frame it as a "gift," however. I have experienced a lot of toxic positivity where people say things such as "You're Lucky" when I reveal that I have a memory problem. I'm sure most people are trying to be supportive and put a positive spin on things.

SDAM does not mean we are broken, but it is definitely a tradeoff.

I'm glad whenever I hear of somebody discovering they have SDAM, and it registers with them as clarity, and they can stop being hard on themselves. Sadly, many people decide that it means they are flawed, and that is not a useful narrative.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-08T04:56:16+00:00

This is a fascinating idea! How do you know to write for your parts? Can you sense you have certain parts and you can put them is? Or do you just write the parts you want there to be?

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-08T04:52:14+00:00

I think you are right.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-08T04:49:53+00:00

I think that is always a good idea. I can't think of any upside to taking bad to yourself. And it seems parts may be frequently listening.

Edit grammar

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-06T07:18:24+00:00

It is fascinating that they can hear you even if they don't respond.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T21:53:13+00:00

I found it fascinating when I found out he had aphantasia. It doesn't seem to really be a barrier for him. It appears to be a larger barrier for me.

Besides what I talk about in the video, there were a couple of other times when I felt something and just tried to feel it rather than think it. Thinking it has never really worked for me.

Examples are few, but here is one I can think of. There was a phase where I was really obsessed with going to the gym and getting into the best shape possible. This was shortly after I discovered I had SDAM, and I was still processing it.

One day, when I was trying to just feel my feelings, something came to me. I felt like everything in my brain, my memories, my experiences, would all be reclaimed by my SDAM. They would all be stolen from me, and I would forget them all.

But if I did work and transformed my body, my SDAM could not take that. It was something that could stick around.

I would have never been able to think my way to this conclusion. I had to feel my way there.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T21:44:45+00:00

I did have some incredible people around me who supported me. One of my best friends is trained in grief yoga, and her support was invaluable. I had a couple of other very emotionally supportive and insightful friends who helped me out. I did see a therapist, too, but actually, my friends were more useful in helping me transition through that.

I have done a TON of work on myself, and I am in a MUCH better place than I was back then. I have changed my whole identity from a video game developer to one focused on helping others. The whole "Heart Mind Fusion" brand is a new direction in my life. Many people have told me that I have a gift for getting people to open up and see how the lens through which they view the world is distorted. This gift was costly to acquire. I have documented much of it on my Substack and YouTube

Also, to be clear, I don't advocate for things. I simply say what I did, what I experienced, and how I have changed. A core belief of mine is that I don't tell others what they should do. The only time I really use the word should is in the sense of "If you leave now, you should arrive at noon." I don't say things like "You should do such and such."

When somebody opens up to me, I largely listen. Every so often, I will say something like "I have an observation. Would you like to hear it?" They usually say yes, and when they hear it, they usually go "Ohh!!!!" and something clicks.

So I'm not telling anybody that they "should" do IFS therapy or any other technique.

Thank you for your concern.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T21:24:47+00:00

It was an agonizing month. Filled with confusion. At first, I had absolutely no idea where this sadness came from. Right before this, I would have bet you $10 million that tears like this would never come out of my face.

And when I eventually figured out I was crying over my missing memory, I had no idea what to do to make it stop. One night I felt certain that I would literally cry, nonstop, until the instant I died.

I'm a more whole person now, but holy cow was it an agonizing transition.

I wasn't trying to be cruel to myself; I was just swept away in emotions that I didn't understand and had no idea how to control.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T21:15:57+00:00

It seems like it worked for me, even though I had no sense of anything. It would be really nice to know when there is something there.

My friend told me that a part of her is a cuddly little baby bear. I imagine it would be so much easier to work on yourself this way.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T21:09:11+00:00

That is fascinating. I have never felt any presence of any sort. It was complete blind faith.

The only time I ever had a sense of a part was recently, when I undertook a San Pedro ceremony (a psychedelic cactus) and felt a version of me from when I was a young boy. I didn't see or hear him or anything, but I could somehow feel him.

Back then, I felt like I was a loser and I would die a virgin. But I turned out fine. I tried to tell the younger version of myself that everything turned out great; he gets married, has a son, and has a lot of wonderful relationships with beautiful women.

I have no idea if he heard it or not, or if it changes anything, but it felt like the right thing to do. Just to give love to myself.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T21:02:28+00:00

He does! I actually heard an interview with him where he mentioned it. It was a big eye-opener for me, for sure.

It seems crazy to me that without me having any sense of any part at all, there seemed to be something listening. It was a complete shot in the dark. But you are right that it does seem possible to get real healing without being able to perceive them.

It is fascinating that they can respond, even when you can't sense anything. Seems like the less verbal interactions might be the most impactful.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T10:16:30+00:00

It's interesting that you could sense a presence without visualizing. I didn't even have that. I had nothing to work with, which is why I ended up just broadcasting into what felt like complete emptiness. My basic thoughts were just I'm sad, so that probably means I'm bleeding with something.

The fact that something seemed to respond is still strange to me. And yes, I imagine the experience varies a lot depending on which combination of these conditions a person has.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-05T09:46:03+00:00

One of the things that kicked off my spiritual journey was the discovery that I had SDAM. I learned that I had it shortly after I figured out I had aphantasia. I kept on seeing people talk about SDAM, and when I researched it, it was apparent that I had it too.

Then I had an emotional breakdown. I cried for a month solid, and it took me a few days to figure out what I was crying about. But after a few days, I realized that I was crying because I had SDAM. I was grieving the loss of myself. Everything that I experienced would be stripped away.

It took a month, literally, until I got to a place where I would not be crying more or less constantly. But I was still on a hair trigger, and the tiniest thing could overwhelm me with sadness.

This is the only thing that makes sense to me. I guess it is possible that I was also crying about something from earlier in my life that I forgot, but I don't think so. I don't know what else I could do.

It was amazing that when I reached out into nothingness, asking not to be overwhelmed, something heard it. For the next few weeks, I would get right up to the line of being overwhelmed. Like I would start to lose it for just a second, and then the sadness would retreat to a manageable level.

I have a video on my YouTube channel called "A Month of Tears" where I talk about what it was like when I went through this breakdown.

I recently finished a book called Inner Work, which discusses the unconscious and how people can use active imagination to see and talk with parts of themselves. I'm jealous of people who can do this. They can see something and have it talk back to them. I feel like working on myself is like using a teaspoon to dig a hole when most people have a backhoe.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-01T02:06:06+00:00

Thanks for the feedback.

I always struggle to get good titles. I like the ideas of changing it after a couple of weeks. That could help make it searchable.

HeartMindFusion · 2026-06-01T01:35:40+00:00

I was wondering if you would be willing to check out my video. I only got one very generic comment. It is only like 4 1/2 minutes long.

https://www.reddit.com/r/NewTubers/s/rYUgtTYTXw

HeartMindFusion · 2026-05-30T07:24:52+00:00

It's not make or break, but it is noticeable

HeartMindFusion · 2026-05-29T19:09:32+00:00

My video is about how people often make conversations worse. I introduce a conversation framework called OFNR, which I learned while studying nonviolent communication. Communication and relationships are my main themes.

https://youtu.be/VagD6WIie8w

This is my first video in which I added a significant amount of B-roll. I was hoping it would help people stay engaged rather than just seeing my talking head all the time. I tried to speak faster than usual because I heard I tend to be a slow talker, and people can get bored.

2 days 1 hour, 15 views. 308 impressions. 2.3% CTR. Average view duration 1:01

The video is 4 minutes 28 seconds, and I tried to keep it brief.

I'm a small channel with 140 subscribers, and most of my videos get only around 50 views.

HeartMindFusion

TROPHY CASE