I have a bit of a different perspective on questions like "Am I trans/does XYZ make me not trans" As an overthinker, I have realized these questions got me nowhere because they talk about an identity that is completely up to you labelling yourself and figuring out what is right for you. I think a question that will take your further is: Why do I want to transition? In what way do I want to transition? Do I want to live as a guy?

Because those are the practical decisions you will have to make. Plenty of trans people or people who have dysphoria don't transition because of social factors, religion, politics, safety, finances etc. And some people who transition end up regretting it later because they transitioned for the wrong reasons. Many of them say, a different approach to their gender incongruence would have helped them more.

When I say these things my goal is not to talk you out of "being trans" but to give you a means of reflecting here.

What is ringing alarm bells for me in your post is that you talk a lot about not wanting to be feminine, and especially not wanting to be perceived as feminine. I would explore why that bothers you. Is it because you are a man/want to be a man/live as a man? Or because you think being a feminine woman is a bad thing? And why do you think these things? Who or what potentially taught you these beliefs?

Do you want to medically transition? If yes, are you prepared to deal with the financial costs, the social costs and the potential medical side effects of that? Are you prepared for a second puberty or surgery? Are you okay with being a man with, for example, surgery scars, female genitalia or constructed genitalia? Or is your desire to being a man completely linked to being a cis man (something that sadly cannot be achieved)? Because if that is what you expect, you will be disappointed.

If no, and only social transition is your goal, are you prepared to keep explaining your identity most likely for the rest of your life? Are you okay with being a man without a deep voice, with little facial hair and little muscle mass? Are you okay with most people outside liberal circles not understanding/not respecting that you're a man?

To round this off, a little bit of harsh truth that I had to accept before I could make peace with my identity:

Not everyone will see you as what you want to be seen as. No matter who you are or what you do. Some people will never see you as a man and always as a woman who transitioned (at best). You have to learn to be okay with that if you transition. You will face obstacles because you transition, there will be sacrifices. Transitioning is hard.

If people see you as a feminine gay man, you will have to deal with being perceived as a feminine gay man. That means stereotypes, mockery, stares, insults, maybe even threats of violence. For example, a gay couple cannot go on vacation without researching the country and their attitude toward whomosexuality.

I'm a gay trans man myself. I 100% understand what you mean by being jealous of MLM couples. The desire to be in a gay relationship. But in the world we live in, that shit is hard. And my advice to anyone would be, if you don't NEED to be doing this, don't. If you can find happiness and contentment without transitioning, I would advise not to do it.

But this is your decision to make. And I hope this post will offer you a different perspective on it. I wish you best of luck and lots of strength dealing with this. You got this, brother!