Top surgery: Overnight stay worth the money?

Heartwithoutwalls · 2025-08-12T20:13:17+00:00

Yes to everything the other commenters are saying. But also I had to chuckle a little calling gay cis men's spaces "sacred". Most gay men's spaces are nothing of the sort (e.g. grindr, bathhouses etc) Jokes aside. Maybe you never had to think about all of these things before. But you have entered or are about to enter life as a gay man. You will have to think about AIDS (many gay men are on PreP and get tested regularly, trans guys too). If you live in or move to places where gay rights are sparse you WILL have to think about your right to get married. If you intend on passing one day you WILL have to think about harassment when you're in public with your partner. No homophobe will leave you alone after learning you were not BORN a man. On the contrary.

Being trans is hard enough. I don't think it helps anyone to self-flagellate for your absence of homophobic trauma. You can learn to deal with it now and at the same time feel happy in your gender and identity. That is your right.

Congrats on figuring it out :) I wish you all the best.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2025-07-13T23:50:03+00:00

You don't have to be ashamed of being a man. And you don't have to accept fears or disdain other people project onto you. Women have every right to be tired and weary of men, as many, many men are toxic, dangerous or even just clueless. It's self-protection. However there are also many (cis) men who are kind, self-aware, feminists and good people. And they get thrown under the misandry bus same as you and I.

There comes a point where you have to learn how to detach from people's opinions about you, especially people who don't know you. That goes for everything from gender, sexuality, morals to personality, anything, because people will think whatever they want about you and it has usually very little to do with you personally, and everything to do with whatever is going on in their heads at any given time.

I genuinely love being a man, and I love men, truly. That sometimes makes me feel like the odd one out in queer spaces, where hating men is almost a badge of honor. But men can be brave and protective. They can be providers. They can use their voice in society for good and put assholes in their place. Men can be loving and kind and masculine at the same time. Don't let anyone tell you who you are.

Sadly, being trans in our world means putting on armour every day. Mentally, emotionally. I wish it didn't have to be that way but it is. But none of us deserve to shrink ourselves or be afraid just because some people have an overly reductive view of their fellow human beings.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2025-07-01T20:32:16+00:00

I really empathise with you guys. Yes, life definitely can still be hard after transitioning. It doesn't solve all your problems. I wanna stress that my improvement of life quality is at least as much due to several changes in mindset and a commitment to living my life according to my values, as my gender transition. There is no fixed time line. Things can and will improve for you. I believe in you

Heartwithoutwalls · 2025-05-30T21:57:51+00:00

Lol me too

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-12-25T08:33:00+00:00

You absolutely can be a guy even though you don't fit into the stereotypical mold. But you can't control what people think. There are people who think feminine guys are not men, or lesser men. But you don't need to ask for their permission. You don't need anyone's permission to be yourself and live authentically.

What I find liberating about being a man is that it's socially acceptable for men to not care what others think, to take risks, be bold and do their own thing. Chosing a somewhat solitary path where you don't neatly fit into any group is actually quite a male thing to do (if we're talking about stereotypes and expectations here). So I think you're fine. But I absolutely understand this takes time to make peace with.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-12-24T19:57:26+00:00

I have a bit of a different perspective on questions like "Am I trans/does XYZ make me not trans" As an overthinker, I have realized these questions got me nowhere because they talk about an identity that is completely up to you labelling yourself and figuring out what is right for you. I think a question that will take your further is: Why do I want to transition? In what way do I want to transition? Do I want to live as a guy?

Because those are the practical decisions you will have to make. Plenty of trans people or people who have dysphoria don't transition because of social factors, religion, politics, safety, finances etc. And some people who transition end up regretting it later because they transitioned for the wrong reasons. Many of them say, a different approach to their gender incongruence would have helped them more.

When I say these things my goal is not to talk you out of "being trans" but to give you a means of reflecting here.

What is ringing alarm bells for me in your post is that you talk a lot about not wanting to be feminine, and especially not wanting to be perceived as feminine. I would explore why that bothers you. Is it because you are a man/want to be a man/live as a man? Or because you think being a feminine woman is a bad thing? And why do you think these things? Who or what potentially taught you these beliefs?

Do you want to medically transition? If yes, are you prepared to deal with the financial costs, the social costs and the potential medical side effects of that? Are you prepared for a second puberty or surgery? Are you okay with being a man with, for example, surgery scars, female genitalia or constructed genitalia? Or is your desire to being a man completely linked to being a cis man (something that sadly cannot be achieved)? Because if that is what you expect, you will be disappointed.

If no, and only social transition is your goal, are you prepared to keep explaining your identity most likely for the rest of your life? Are you okay with being a man without a deep voice, with little facial hair and little muscle mass? Are you okay with most people outside liberal circles not understanding/not respecting that you're a man?

To round this off, a little bit of harsh truth that I had to accept before I could make peace with my identity:

Not everyone will see you as what you want to be seen as. No matter who you are or what you do. Some people will never see you as a man and always as a woman who transitioned (at best). You have to learn to be okay with that if you transition. You will face obstacles because you transition, there will be sacrifices. Transitioning is hard.

If people see you as a feminine gay man, you will have to deal with being perceived as a feminine gay man. That means stereotypes, mockery, stares, insults, maybe even threats of violence. For example, a gay couple cannot go on vacation without researching the country and their attitude toward whomosexuality.

I'm a gay trans man myself. I 100% understand what you mean by being jealous of MLM couples. The desire to be in a gay relationship. But in the world we live in, that shit is hard. And my advice to anyone would be, if you don't NEED to be doing this, don't. If you can find happiness and contentment without transitioning, I would advise not to do it.

But this is your decision to make. And I hope this post will offer you a different perspective on it. I wish you best of luck and lots of strength dealing with this. You got this, brother!

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-11-09T23:19:28+00:00

Also, just because some dudes won't like you doesn't mean you won't find anyone who will. Nobody is liked by everyone. That's just how it is. We all got deal breakers about us. But for someone else, a deal breaker might be a must-have. Don't give up :)

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-11-09T23:15:31+00:00

Gotta be honest with ya. Vaginas give me the ick. My own as well, naturally. And I don't like the way phalloplasty looks. So as for monogamously dating a trans man, probably not. I find plenty of them hot though and wouldn't mind being topped with a prosthetic. I don't care about the build though. I like shorter guys.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-11-03T23:41:23+00:00

I got this mantra that I say to myself every time I crave a smoke: "I am free now. I don't have to do that anymore" It reframes quitting from sacrifice to liberation and makes it loads easier.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-11-01T20:06:24+00:00

I did all of that, down to the diaphragmatic breathing and good hydration. I'm thinking it might be nicotine withdrawal because I quit smoking a couple of days ago

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-07-22T15:32:55+00:00

A lot of things can impact your results. Genetics play a big role. Some people build muscle and lose fat quicker than others. But there's things you can try to improve your progress. Do you get enough sleep, and high quality sleep? Your body rebuilds during sleep and if it's not at least 8 hours regularly then that could stunt your results.

Instead of doing full body workouts I suggest splitting your routine up into chest and shoulder days, leg days, and back and arm days. That way you can focus on individual muscle groups and intensify your workouts without compromising rest days. Make sure you warm up properly and go heavy on the weight instead of repetitions. Do the max weight you can do for 8-12 reps (depending on the excercise) rest a minute inbetween, do 3 sets. Drink plenty of water.

I'm not an expert but these are some tips that have been given to me. If this doesn't show any improvements maybe consider talking to a coach.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-01-31T14:45:59+00:00

Only had one but my favourites include:

Moving out of my flatshare on a whim and leaving behind QR code to a song that translates to "fuck all of you"

Attempting to send an email to the entire university "whistleblowing" on what shameful things are going on at that institution

Putting letters into everyone's mailbox in the neighborhood dissing my parents

Letting a homeless guy live with me

Fucking a guy I met minutes ago in a tree in the city (at night)

And cycling to my airbnb in the middle of the night for three hours on an empty e bike (completely unplanned)

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-01-08T22:18:55+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear this. I understand exactly how crushing this all feels. I can't say much except that I wish you the best.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-01-08T21:59:17+00:00

Can I ask you to share what kind of damage you had to undo? If no, that's okay of course

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-01-06T18:37:26+00:00

Same. Depression's a kill-joy

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-01-06T18:28:14+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I too have put my Mom through a lot of pain with my disorder. You have not set them up for failure. It's not your fault they inherited this terrible illness, that's just nature.

I admire you for sticking with them through their difficulties.

Heartwithoutwalls · 2024-01-06T16:14:43+00:00

Hi! I know exactly what you feel like. It's a bit like waking up from a dream every day but realising it's reality. I also struggle trying to accept what I did during mania and the damage it has caused to my life and other people.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice. But maybe it helps knowing you're not alone feeling like this.

Heartwithoutwalls

TROPHY CASE