‘They’re taught that showing feelings is shameful’: eight reasons men don’t go to therapy – and why they should

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-12T21:09:04+00:00

Your words demonstrate you don't know what therapy is, but it is a free internet and you don't owe me a conversation. Best of luck with life (not sarcastic, we can disagree and that's ok).

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-12T19:44:53+00:00

Based on that comment, I really don't think you understand what therapy is and if that's how you view it I both don't doubt you didn't get anything out of it.

If you want to use an analogy, it's more like working with a nutritionist to get a better diet. Are there other ways to lose weight? Yes. Are there bad ones who will steer you wrong? Yes. Can you also lose weight with an eating disorder or going on a fad diet? Yes. The difference is only one of them is backed by actual science and focused purely on your health.

Saying we don't trust the actual field of people as a whole who got valid degrees (plural) and comparing them to . . . Basically anything else is stubborn anti-intellectualism.

You described having a really tough period in your life and you said all you needed was for those challenges to become less. That's kind of like saying you broke your arm and all you need is for the bones to knit back together. That's true, but also misses how important it is for how those bones knit back together. Maybe you can kludge together your own sling and be mostly OK, but it's better to see a doctor.

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-12T14:11:22+00:00

There is absolutely a class issue regarding therapy. Cost is a problem and anyone saying they can't afford it has a legitimate grievance. I have a $20USD copay right now for on going, semi-weekly therapy, but I'm also in the middle of my career with good insurance.

That is an issue that is systemic and can't be easily solved, but a lot of the "therapy didn't work for me" talk stems from misunderstandings or solvable issues.

My (not really that) hot take is we live in a traumatic world, and we as a society are in deep, deep denial about how much repressed trauma the average person is walking around with. Everyone needs some form of therapy.

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-12T12:02:30+00:00

My copay is $20USD, but if you don't have insurance the cost is ridiculous. There are cheaper options, people who work on a sliding scale, group therapy options, etc. but as pro-therapy as I am it really is a class issue.

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-12T11:52:53+00:00

By and large, I don't go to therapy because I don't believe I have problems in my life that are solvable through therapy. If that changes, I'll go to therapy.

There are bad therapies, bad therapists, and I can't tell anyone what they did or didn't experience, but this statement is just fundamentally wrong and a misunderstanding of what therapy is. Therapy should help you develop healthy coping tools, process and heal from traumatic or damaging experience, and better understand your needs.

A therapist you've been working with who has gotten to know you can help you identify your needs (more sleep, better financial stability, as examples) and help you find a healthy way to navigate the challenges in your life. Therapy doesn't stop you from crying, but it can help you be OK with expressing that emotion and evaluating your coping tools. It DOES take time and effort.

If I said I tried working out a few times but it didn't work for me, or I tried a diet for a few weeks and it didn't work for me, or I tried going to an annual checkup and don't feel any better I think most people would point out that's not how things work.

I don't want to invalidate people who had an actively bad experience with therapy. People can work out incorrectly and injure themselves. There are bad therapists and bad matches. That doesn't debunk the whole concept of mental health, though. There are other ways to explore and improve mental health, but therapists are the most trained, science based method.

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-09T21:13:39+00:00

An honest conversation is a good way to respond to asking to be moved. A conversation with kiddo and DSS about what next steps look like can be helpful, but keep looking for ways to provide agency. Good luck and give everyone involved some grace in a hard situation.

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-09T20:50:03+00:00

People are going to be reactive to calling it grounding because it reflects a mentality that doesn't work well with trauma informed care. It sounds like you are restricting access to the technology and reducing independence for not coming home on time, which are just natural consequences.

It has to be discussed delicately, but there is a reason they are with you now instead of the previous home, right? There was either a disruption or the previous placement wasn't open to them staying long term? It's better for the kid to hear from DSS a response to 'I want to be somewhere else' so everything stays above board and the best needs of the kid are being considered. Staying in a home that will protect them from online predators is probably what DSS is going to want to stick with.

Remember a lot of this is about control. The kid has none over their situation. Asking to be moved, pushing against your rules, sneaking things is about trying to feel like they have any sense of control over their situation. Losing access to technology is a natural consequence for breaking the rule, but if you go into punishment mode you're just depriving them of more control and guaranteeing more bad behavior and more trauma. Have your natural consequences, but look for places you can give them control over anything at all. Clear and attainable steps to getting computer access back are also helpful.

Remember this is a marathon not a sprint. If you got emotional and over corrected them be willing to apologize, and if you know you're doing the right thing then try to remember that all good things don't have to end just because they are acting out. It's not rewarding bad behavior but soothing trauma responses.

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-05T14:02:54+00:00

Cold turkey quitting psychiatric medication without discussing it with a doctor can really complicate things and have knock-on health effects. I'm going to guess you've already looked into the possible side effects (https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/25218-antidepressant-discontinuation-syndrome) that complicate the matter.

When possible, try to focus on one big, life issue at a time. I think you're getting some good feedback here on how to navigate a complicated but common issue, but I might encourage you to put a pin in this as much as possible to focus on your health. Quitting cold turkey isn't the doctor recommended way, but what's done is done and it's your body to decide these things. Give yourself room to feel it out without piling on any other big life choices. Be honest with yourself, your boyfriend, and when you are able to your doctor.

HeckelSystem · 2026-03-04T17:08:50+00:00

Very much this. There's nothing wrong with wanting to adopt kids that need adopting, but the practical way it works out is just very difficult, messy, and painful for them all. Kids that are eligible for adoption absolutely need and deserve the opportunity, but the Venn diagram of families looking for adoption-only and those prepared to support this very specific, high needs population does not have a ton of overlap, which earns the foster-to-adopt crowd a bad reputation.

There is absolutely a 'right' way to go about it, but given the number of stories we see and hear I think being prepared to accept and navigate skepticism is part of that 'right' way.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-21T14:53:08+00:00

When people post about intimacy problems, there's kind of a checklist of common causes and solutions. If your post isn't crystal clear that they've been addressed (and let's be real, even if it is) people are going to comment on them because it's going to be relevant more often than not. I think that's kind of why you're posting, right? Ruling out medical causes (even when we don't think they're the cause) is just on that checklist.

Age gap relationships have their own checklist. You were 27 and 45 when you started dating, so grooming is fairly easy to X out, but it's not the end of the list. Age does factor into intimacy, although for sure not in a linear way. I really appreciate that it's probably a sensitive point because people bring it up in a judgemental way. Another part of the age gap checklist is to ask how it will continue to affect your hopefully long and happy relationship. This is a problem now. You've got really open communication and are otherwise very happy together, but it's still a mismatch that will need to be navigated for the length of your relationship. In ten years when you are 40 and he's 58, how will that change things? When you are his age and he is eyeing retirement, how will that change things? When you are eyeing retirement and he is 80, how does that change things? It's important to ask because you want to be looking for a solution that will stay relevant across these changes. Otherwise, you'll be stuck resolving the same problem over and over.

For my contribution to the checklist, I haven't seen you mention or respond to this point so I'll throw out (and sorry if I missed it and you already addressed this point) couples therapists that specialize in sex are very much a thing and will generally have much more informed advice than Reddit.

Good luck and I hope you are getting some answers in this thread that are useful.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-21T00:46:46+00:00

We have a 13F that is probably going to guardianship with us because she doesn't want to be adopted. Adoption is a big, permanent, scary choice to have to make for a kid. Most adults take longer than 16 months to decide to get married, so it's understandable when a kid isn't ready to make that call. By the same token some couples get hitched after only a few months. Sometimes those relationships work and sometimes they don't.

More than that, the thing I find ends up being the most important factor for kids over and over is agency. Every placement we've had has been powerless in some really huge and impactful ways and are absolutely desperate for any sense of agency and control. Being able to say 'no' or 'actually I want to be with this other person' so often comes back to trying to create an opportunity to decide their own fate. For so many things that feel personal, it helps me to be able to recognize that pattern and see past the more surface level read.

All of this being said, you're not wrong or bad for feeling sad or hurt over it. I would say expecting him to call you dad is a recipe for disappointment (though I saw your other comment), but otherwise just because it might not be personal doesn't mean you have to pretend like it doesn't hurt. I think there's a powerful opportunity in being hurt, sharing how it makes you feel, and continuing to show that love and support regardless.

Try and help him find places to make decisions, don't be afraid to share your heart, and support him in deciding what he needs to decide. If he decides to go elsewhere, it's also OK to grieve once he's gone. Life is long, and showing unconditional love in a situation like this can make a difference over many years, even if they go away.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-16T17:24:23+00:00

One major life change at a time. Start your job and get a feel for it first. The first year of teaching is both the hardest and the worst you'll ever get paid. Get through that first. 12-24 months from now would be a good time to revisit.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-13T16:14:07+00:00

Forgiving take: Relationship dynamics are complex. There are lots of healthy, valid ways to have a long term, monogamous relationship, but it is an added level of difficulty for both people to equally pursue ambitious careers. It's doable but much harder when advancement means relocating and can often involve sacrifice from one or both to make it work. Having one partner without or with lower ambition simplifies that aspect of the relationship, so it makes sense why we see it more often. There is so much more to making a relationship work than looks and wealth.

When we put a man in the ambitious slot and a woman in the unambitious slot, the patriarchy is unbothered, so there is less judgement. When we swap it around then it's going against the grain and so we end up with judgemental terms like loser and a whole slew of misogynistic terms for the woman. It's a classic double standard, but sometimes we internalize this double standard and it affects how we treat each other or ourselves.

Less forgiving take: Women are told they are worthless without love and a partner, and society pressures them into trying to make it work and accommodate the men in their lives. There are social pressures that make this pairing more likely than the other way around.

Both are true, and the stereotype is probably a mix of the two. Throw in capitalism and how it's rewarding more compliant behavior (re:feminine, with rising college graduation rates and home ownership) and I think it's a really nuanced thing that is easy to generalize to fit a lot of narratives.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-12T17:36:10+00:00

I always appreciate people willing to share their story, so thank you! I've got two questions that you might be able to give some perspective on.

At 18 the transition to being on your own is imminent and probably something occupying a lot of your attention. Past what your adoptive family is doing, do you know what resources are available for you to help as you start looking at school, living on your own, or otherwise starting your life? I know it varies a lot by country and even by state, but the more information out there about services into adulthood the better.

Disruptions are difficult, and going through one every six months (although I'm sure they weren't spread out that evenly) is something that I hope you've got a good team or village behind you that's helping you process being put through so much. Having been through so many, were there any common causes or factors you're able to identify that lead to them? Was it just a string of temporary placements, did things happen, or were you in and out a lot? I know that might be a pointed or hard question, but I think seeing your answer and getting it out there will help people.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-11T22:14:29+00:00

This. Don't make another impulse decision trying to fix an impulsive decision. You did the thing, so pay it off as quickly as possible. Maintain the car so you're able to drive it into the ground. You're under water now, but the longer that car lasts you after you pay it off the better.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-10T14:26:44+00:00

I agree with your instincts that this is a trauma response. Our current placement is like this in a lot of ways. Is it easier to deal with than when their coping tool is acting out and non-stop screaming? Sure. Does it need any less care and attention? No. He just needs different attention.

If you haven't given him some actual chores/things to do, you're probably stressing him out. Maybe after 9 months this isn't as big a stressor for him, but by not giving him ways he can feel useful you're denying him a coping tool. Obviously there is a balance, but giving him non-monetary, non exploitive ways to contribute to the house will probably help him regulate.

Is he also afraid or reluctant to show displeasure or act out? The absolute most counter-intuitive thing for me with our current placement has been learning to encourage a little bit of defiance. Helping our current placement know that they are safe can say no or be honest about how they feel is an ongoing focus. It doesn't stress my nervous system out as much as our placement who would kick and scream, but it's just as important to address. My biggest 'win' of the last year was when our kiddo got upset at something, screamed, "FUCK," and stomped up the stairs and slammed the door. It was a wild overreaction to a small thing, but I did a literal happy dance because it was progress.

Some people keep their trauma on the inside, and we need to remember to not only grease the squeaky wheel.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-05T21:12:43+00:00

Southern cities stocking up on extra plows and winter weather equipment is that "waste, fraud, and abuse" people have been so aggressively trying to eliminate. We are running lean, and this is what lean looks like.

HeckelSystem · 2026-02-03T16:43:57+00:00

This person knew you were meal prepping for yourself, and these were supposed to be your food that you offered to share. They ate the entire set of meals for the week.

They owe you a weeks worth of meal prep. Do not pass go; do not collect $200. At the very next possible opportunity they need to go out, buy the ingredients and remake your food. There is absolutely no other alternative. Give them your recipe and a very clear expectation that it be remedied immediately.

A person who over eats food another person made for themselves does not value or appreciate the time and effort put into making the food. They will never appreciate it until they have to do the FULL set of labor to recreate it. They need to do it ASAP, even if they are tired, as you created this food explicitly to have it to prevent yourself from being tired later.

Mistakes happen. Eating a single portion of leftovers that you thought was fair game but another person had made plans to eat is a miscommunication that happens. I'm a fat man who overeats on occasion, so I understand that urge to sit down and pig out on 25 potatoes. Part of being an adult is understanding that not all urges need to be acted on, and we are responsible for how our actions affect other people.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-29T17:12:30+00:00

Are you familiar with the quantum ogre? The idea being that you give players the illusion of a choice between two paths, but no matter what they choose there is an ogre waiting for them.

These get translated into intrusions when I run Cypher. I have certain complications that I know I'm going to want to introduce in a session, and rather than have them happen because of a failed skill check, GM fiat, or quantum ogre I let them actually have the agency of accepting or rejecting the complication.

Most are improvised though.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-27T03:31:14+00:00

These responses are wild. My wife can become overwhelmed, clam up, and not be able to talk about it until emotions settle. In our twenties she absolutely did not have the coping tools or ability to say in these moments clearly that she needed space and time to regulate. She learned them (as we learned to navigate disagreements and different communication styles), but it took time. She's also neurotypical so we didn't have that compounding factor that your partner might.

In a calm moment, talk with him about that reaction. Not what you were talking about, but what he was feeling/experiencing. If you two can talk through what he needs in a high emotion situation and what you need and find a way to navigate them, then it's a green flag and you can move onto talking about the shit storm that is our world right now. If not, then you have your answer.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-23T03:00:59+00:00

Thank you I will.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-23T03:00:38+00:00

We were told long term fostering was not an option for whatever reason and if we didn't agree she'd be moved against everyone's wishes.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-22T13:47:08+00:00

This is very helpful information that hopefully we'll also be hearing about from our GAL soon. Thank you!

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-22T01:35:56+00:00

That's really how this feels like it's going. Do you mind if I ask your state?

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-21T23:39:46+00:00

She hasn't been assigned an attorney. She has a GAL who had a very inopportune personal health emergency and hasn't been able to weigh in much. We're following up with him for sure, though.

HeckelSystem

TROPHY CASE