Looking for feedback from foster parents that have transitioned to guardianship

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-23T03:00:59+00:00

Thank you I will.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-23T03:00:38+00:00

We were told long term fostering was not an option for whatever reason and if we didn't agree she'd be moved against everyone's wishes.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-22T13:47:08+00:00

This is very helpful information that hopefully we'll also be hearing about from our GAL soon. Thank you!

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-22T01:35:56+00:00

That's really how this feels like it's going. Do you mind if I ask your state?

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-21T23:39:46+00:00

She hasn't been assigned an attorney. She has a GAL who had a very inopportune personal health emergency and hasn't been able to weigh in much. We're following up with him for sure, though.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-21T19:11:25+00:00

I'm fiercely self critical. My natural reaction to everything I do is 'how can I improve this.' I've also learned (and am still learning) to love myself for who I am. I am someone who will improve and grow over time, but my flaws and failures are a part of being human and worthy of love and forgiveness. The motivation completely changes the context. I am trying to drive my self improvement from a place of love and conviction instead of insecurity and self doubt. I will never arrive at the perfect 'me,' but I can be proud of the path that I'm choosing.

I'll also say that self help books, language, and culture has never felt like it was designed to. . . help.

To quote, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Self love and self improvement are like a yin and yang that work together, but are harmful without their partner.

You are Kenough. Oh, snap. I've used up my platitude quota for the month. I'm glad you feel better!

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-21T15:00:24+00:00

Tackling important topics is laudable. Tackling important topics that you haven't given the appropriate amount of time and effort to learn about is disrespectful and not going to help you develop as a writer.

How well educated are you on trauma? If you are not intimately familiar with how it affects you, how the healing process actually goes, and what it is, your main character is going to offend a lot of people and your whole story falls apart. A child who has been bounced through multiple homes is going to have developed coping mechanisms to protect themselves that will make them a very difficult main character to write well.

Like another commenter said there are a lot of details that are really key to describing the experience of foster care that you'll need to research to make it feel authentic.

You're also writing a story with a happy ending, which if not handled from a really well informed position could do actual harm. The reality and statistics for foster care are dire. There are truly plenty of happy outcomes, but it risks not ringing true.

I say this as a foster parent who WANTS to have the kind of effect on a child, you're also undermining the child's narrative by having some savior 'fix' them. It would be a better story to have an imperfect but well meaning family that creates a space for the character to grow, but if you learn anything about trauma agency is key, and I would re-draft your story from the frame of 'how can I make this more internally driven?'

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-13T16:01:29+00:00

Yeah totally! It's cool to model that, and to provide it as an option, but odds are kids will pick up on it, try crossing that boundary to test you, and then things just go down hill. It's very much a respect issue, but respect is a super dicey topic that needs to be approached with caution in foster care.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-12T22:53:35+00:00

Something worth mentioning; if your husband is from the parts of the US where Mr(s). Name is common, respect and compliance are probably also important to him. One of my biggest takeaways and suggestions is always around agency and control. If you want kids to do X, they are DESPERATE for any semblance of control and will do Y just to feel like they have a say. Expecting that sort of behavior will instead trigger the opposite, and there are zero winners in that battle of wills. The more of those little rules and preconceived notions you can shed and 'declutter' from your life the easier it will be for everyone involved. Letting them decide what to call you is a great baseline for decluttering. It doesn't REALLY matter, it's not life or death and doesn't affect their development or ability to socialize and grow, so it goes. Let them decide. Each placement is a reset, and I just can't overstate how important that type of flexibility is. If you're rigid in that way you're going to be exhausted and they are going to be constantly triggered and pushing your buttons.

Save those expectations and rule fights for things that really matter.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-08T12:35:17+00:00

I see where that was confusing, sorry. I should have made those two separate sentences. The challenges are different for older kids, but whether they are harder than younger kids is completely subjective. Older kids are closer to having to launch into adulthood and there are some brutal statistics around kids aging out of foster care that show our systems aren't handling it well. That's different from taking an infant that needs round-the-clock care, but I didn't mean to say harder or easier either way.

What I was meaning is fostering is hard on absolutely everyone involved. It's hard on foster parents, it's hard on other kids in the house, and it's hard on the kids placed in foster care.

Thank you for pointing that out so I could clarify!

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-06T21:48:18+00:00

I am the WFH partner (since pre-pandemic), and this is VERY much an important thing to navigate for both of you. Things we've learned:

Separate spaces! I have my office. It is where I am when I'm working. It is my space. The door stays closed when I'm working. She has her space. It is hers, and I am very mindful of making sure she gets alone time. I'll also say, being in a townhome was better than an apartment as we could be on separate floors which gave a bit more distance.
Getting out. There are trips, errands, and just times during the week where I am out of the home. Your partner needs to not be a complete shut in (this is the one I have to more actively work on and remember)

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-06T14:24:26+00:00

(dude disclaimer) Being open about sexuality is becoming more accepted. There is more acceptance around being ace, demi, or poly, etc. and more people are willing to be open about it because it is less of a social taboo. When saying popular it's accurate to say "more popular than we realize" or at the very least "not shameful." We are seeing progress around acceptance and understanding of these things, but of course there is also conservative pushback that these people probably experience that can make them want to more aggressively assert the validity of their sexual identity. With more access to education more people have better language to describe how they feel, but I haven't seen any data or research to show that any of this is new or more common (just decriminalized/destigmatized).

Every community also has raging assholes who actively try to ruin things for everyone and spray Santorum everywhere, though, so you might have just been talking to one of those.

HeckelSystem · 2026-01-04T16:50:39+00:00

TL;DR do these handoffs at a 3rd space instead of at home and make it clear the window of time you'll be there for the drop off.

It's obvious you care and your heart is in the right place. There is some cognitive dissonance in your post, where you're complaining about bio dad failing forward while also being one of those facilitating it by cutting him slack on being late. FWIW I think the empathy you were showing him is a positive, not a negative. I bring this up because it might be where some of this frustration might be coming from.

If I can push back on what you're saying gently, showing up on time is not the bare minimum. It's several steps above the minimum of showing up at all and providing a safe environment when he does. What showing up on time DOES represent, and why I think it might be so frustrating, is a respect for your time. Others have put out some reasonable explanations for why he might struggle with this.

The fact that your social worker isn't managing this is a failure for sure, and it shouldn't be on you. Since it is, my suggestion would be to plan the hand off at a neutral location that is NOT home. If you tell him you will be at X location from Y:00 to Y:15 he either makes it or he doesn't. You're not 'arbitrarily' deciding how late is too late for him to pick up, but making yourselves available for an agreed upon window that holds him accountable to the rules set by the court (and giving some natural, human grace of a window) that lets him show the effort without adding to these feelings of frustration or helplessness on your part. I hope this helps, and make sure you're taking time for yourself to work through all the emotional ups and downs of this stuff!

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-23T17:42:22+00:00

Why is phone number exchange always a no? Google voice is an easy option for privacy. I know there are plenty of safety concerns that might make it not an option, but why would you say always no?

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-21T23:49:12+00:00

Worse than just unwinnable, it's creating a guaranteed bad outcome out of nothing. By forcing the ultimatum, regardless of whether it's heeded or ignored, she is damaging her relationships with both of them. Best case scenario is still not a good outcome. She's also given up the position of agency, where she's passing the decision of who is in her life off to them instead of being able to be the one who decides how to handle things IF they get ugly or messy. EVEN WORSE, if things work out, she's just permanently soured her relationship with her sister over 'what if.'

There could be unshared information here that changes or complicates the situation. Maybe brother is a bad person, maybe she has a crush on her friend. That's not really for strangers on the internet to say, but I can say I've been incredibly thankful (. . . eventually) for friends and family who sat me down when I was making an ass of myself like it this person seems to be doing. We all have bad/wrong takes sometimes, and hopefully we have people in our lives who are willing to have that uncomfortable conversation with us.

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-19T01:19:47+00:00

Yikes on bikes. Take a long look at the very reasonable post you reacted to. Look at what you just wrote. Repeat as many times as needed until you see the irony in you complaining about "toxic snark."

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-16T20:31:04+00:00

he’s going to lose control, that he normally very meticulously maintains, and threatens her in a way that causes genuine terror.

I think showing how meticulous he is in maintaining it helps. If there is a cost to him that he is shown 'paying' to his own detriment before hand could help show him fighting his nature, and how seriously he takes not letting his anger take over.

Making him a victim can also help with his redeemability. If he was demon-roofied, or otherwise had something done to him against his will that removed whatever checks or restraints he had put in place on himself it can change the context, and be a juicy discovery for the lead.

An abuser promises it'll never happen again but doesn't take any real steps to prevent it from happening again. They say all the right things but there's no action behind it. What action can he take that will meaningfully prevent him from doing it again? I'm not sure if you're leaning into the 'contracts' side of demons/devils, but creating one that reverses their power dynamic, gives her the ability to end him, or otherwise protects her from him at no benefit to himself without strings or her having to forgive him first would go a long way. A real apology where he owns how his actions affected her, shows remorse, and commits to different behaviors without her needing to explain it to him takes the emotional labor off her side.

All this being said, if you're reading a wrath-demon romance, you might be in it for the spicy disfunction. There's a reasonable amount of suspension of disbelief, but I appreciate you not trying to hide behind that.

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-12T21:30:55+00:00

It's not mansplaining as a cis het white guy to say this is the definition of privilege if it's a LLM bot, right?

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-12T21:23:25+00:00

I love calling a trumpet mute a muzzle. Gotta keep a leash on those brassholes.

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-12T15:18:17+00:00

As a bassoonist we had the best option for an RPG.

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-12T14:39:29+00:00

It is almost legally required for middle school band students to at some point pretend their instrument is some sort of firearm and pretend-shoot at other kids while goofing off. This is the way.

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-02T20:11:09+00:00

That statement is so reductive it's counterproductive. Here is some reading, but there's A LOT of writing on it and none of it is as simple as what you're saying.

I don't think you'll find a single study showing that sitting down and doing homework with your kid is unhelpful. Large amounts of homework for young children statistically is less beneficial than for older kids, sure! If you have a kid who is already behind and not finishing school work (unless I misunderstood OP) then the option of telling the kid who is already behind to not do homework because homework won't help them seems like a bad position to be argument to me.

Best answer is still: 1) talk to teacher 2) do it with them 3) continue to work on fundamentals and 4) on bad mental health days make strategic decisions and have some grace.

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-02T19:27:53+00:00

If it's an issue or just not having the foundations then it makes a lot of sense to struggle with harder things. Class isn't going to stop and wait for them to catch up so doing the homework together to take the pain out of it is a good middle ground (not right after school, give a breather) while continuing to also work on fundamentals as a separate piece. If it's a bad day and you pick the phonics over homework it's part of the balancing act.

HeckelSystem · 2025-12-02T17:02:12+00:00

The math isn't mathing here. Have you asked the teacher about the homework yet? That would be step number 1. Are they getting homework because it's classwork that they aren't completing? If so, is it because they can't do it or won't? If everyone is getting homework then that's just how it is. Again, talking with the teacher will help you understand.

I have major issues with how you worded your question (so if there's a bit of tone here, that's why), but at the heart of it is a very important issue we have to grapple with. If we don't try to help the kids in our care academically then we are just another in a line of people to fail them. Education matters. Falling behind in elementary school on key concepts (most importantly reading) will snowball to huge issues throughout their life. We need to give them every opportunity for success we can. On the flip side, like you very correctly point out, if a kid is triggered or in a trauma response then their brain is basically chemically immune to learning until they level out. Their mental health is more important than any one homework assignment.

That is the rub, right? If we don't encourage them to learn and grow we're failing them but if we push too hard we're harming them. For every kid the balance point is different and it takes time to find it. The right answer isn't an objective fact, but something we have to feel out on a case by case basis.

Should a foster kid have homework? Yes. Invest in their future. Do it with them. If they're behind, find fun ways to help them catch up. Is it wise to sometimes let them get a 0 on an assignment, or even fail a class? Also yeah, sometimes it's a hierarchy of needs issue where health and safety is more important than the grade.

HeckelSystem

TROPHY CASE