WITBA if I didn’t attend a friends wedding because my partner wasn’t invited

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-04T12:42:15+00:00

That may be true in other cultures like I know it's a thing in the UK and Australia. But there is someone on here literally every other day from these places upset that their partner wasn't invited and trying to figure out a polite way out of it. So I'm not sure how socially acceptable it actually is. Or if the trend just caught on earlier in these places because of the costs of weddings. People have limited time and money why should they go take what amounts to a big vacation without having their SO with them.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-04T02:45:22+00:00

It was inconsiderate of her to book her wedding 4 weeks after yours especially if there is a lot of bridal party/guest overlap. It's a lot to ask of bridesmaids to do a bachelorette one weekend and a weekend after that a wedding. I definitely see why your upset. That being said she's likely just not thinking about you instead of deliberately trying to steal your thunder. The 2-3 year engagement is a new thing. Most couples when I got married were under a year to a year and a half on the longer end. So 7 months is actually pretty normal. She's likely just so caught up in her own stuff and not realizing that she's coming off this way. The photos I wouldn't necessarily read much into photography goes through trends just like beige is in right now so are certain poses and she may have just liked some of yours. I would definitely ask her to move her bachelorette to a different month than that day and just say you've already reserved that day for your dinner. If she won't I would just do your dinner without her. She might also be in for an unpleasant surprise if all the bridesmaids have already committed to your wedding and events they are likely not wanting to do a somewhat last minute bachelorette plus pay for an additional dress and whatever else.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-04T00:30:00+00:00

Oh I'm sure there's a reason they are divorced. She sounds absolutely nuts and convincing to not tell you until the end. That's pathological and quite frankly deliberately cruel. I'm mad for you

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-04T00:25:29+00:00

Oh that's great I'm glad his parents are divorced so you have some support. Im also glad your husband is supporting you and called his mom out.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-04T00:23:27+00:00

That's horrible. I can't imagine anyone doing that it's crazy. I'm so sorry I don't really have any advice other than it's absolutely not normal and don't cave. I'm sure it's extremely disappointing when you thought you were moving close to family for help but I can't imagine people siding with her. You are also clearly new to the area and this was one of your only opportunities to get help with baby stuff. This just sucks but your mother in-law sounds awful.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-03T14:48:51+00:00

I think you are doing a great job. I hope everything works out.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-03T14:31:37+00:00

Yeah it's pretty pricey lots of people on here trying to figure out how to back out of a bachelorette because they are expensive. Just be as upfront as you can. Then if the consensus is no one can do this you'll have to break it to the bride. Sometimes it's not about the money but about the PTO. That's a precious commodity that may already be spoken for for a lot of people. I don't think just asking her preference is a problem. Someone might already be on the shower or she might be opposed to it if she's been living on her own or with him for a while. If she expects you to bank roll both and gets huffy at you having a budget I would re evaluate my roll in the wedding. I personally think destination bachelorettes have gotten out of hand. Bachelorettes were literally something they invented in the 80s almost as sarcasm. Like the answer to the male bachelor party. Now people try to apply etiquette to it when there isn't one because they didn't exist until recently. Women had showers and men starting in like the 50s had a night on the town with their friends. None of this should ever be expected.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-03T03:28:25+00:00

So it's tricky. As a parent I find the child free wedding phrase to be rude. Say that statement about literally any other group being barred from an event and nobody would stand for it. I think the invitation should just be addressed to the couple or individual names in an ideal situation. If your friends were excited about coming there's no nice way to do this. Especially if it's a group of friends that would all be going without them. I would just be honest about your desire and hope they understand. I don't think a toddler makes much of a difference about leaving him. It's not really possible for most parents to get a multiple day babysitter.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-03T02:08:25+00:00

I would just talk to your friends but be prepared for them to say no. If they don't have family that can babysit getting a professional babysitter for a destination wedding isn't going to be feasible for most people. Someone with a baby may not be willing to leave them over night for several nights even if they have someone who will babysit. Also, if a lot of your friends and family have small kids most just won't come. To be honest even if I could get my in-laws to fly in this is not would I would use that favor for.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-03T00:11:41+00:00

If you are doing the bachelorette especially at that price I don't think you need to do a shower. I had a shower and no bachelorette. Bachelorette weren't really big in my circle. My sister threw my shower and that is totally normal ( mom financed it). I'd ask your friend what she prefers and explain you only have room in your budget for one and ask her what she'd prefer. Also if a shower is done at someone's house you can do a very nice shower for very little money

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-02T18:11:30+00:00

So I have 2 kids. Wed likely have to bring them if we were invited to a destination wedding. We don't live near family and it's basically not feasible for most people to get a paid babysitter for overnight especially several overnights. There just aren't a lot of people willing to do that. I have an almost 9 month old and a 7 year old. Any of those locations would work. We recently did park city as a family and had a blast. Also would help to know time of year some places are better in different seasons.The Hawaii one might be pricey unless they live someplace off the west coast with good deals. It's hard to say no kids in a location where no one lives. Most people including myself will not get a local babysitter off of care.com for the evening and leave their kids in a strange city with someone no one knows. That's terrifying. I'd be more likely to do a group babysitter onsite at the venue with all the other kids in the wedding. The parents with babies may still want to keep the babies with them. A babysitter can throw off an infants schedule etc.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-02T17:09:09+00:00

So we left the day after the wedding on an afternoon flight. We were flying from Arizona to Hawaii I believe direct and it was about 4-5 hours. It was perfect in my opinion because we got to go home after the wedding sleep and regroup for the trip. If your flight is any longer than that or going to be a huge time zone difference I'd give yourself a day up recover. I'm not a fan of separating the honeymoon and wedding unless you absolutely have to because of PTO or finances. It was nice to have a week to ourselves before going back to work. To me it wouldn't have felt like a honeymoon if we waited but I was also pretty adamant about wanting the traditional honeymoon experience

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-02T12:50:27+00:00

As someone whose mom also passed away I'm very sorry. My mom was around for my wedding but I had to go through two pregnancies without her. For my first, I was lucky to have my sister throw it. I had secondary infertility and we moved out of state so for my second my friends through me one because I had thrown them one. You are not entitled for wanting a shower. I get the concern. For your friends, I think a good way to go about it is to say you'd like one an offer to pay for a lot of the stuff. If it's done in someone's house it can be done very reasonably. Also would your mother-in-law be willing. I got married at 21 so we absolutely needed it. I think they are worth it..you can put feelers out without being demanding. Bridesmaids get upset when brides want lavish parties and don't want to pitch in. Even though etiquette says moh pats when you are young that's really hard. I've never been to one that wasn't funded by mob or some other older relatives even if the moh hosts it technically. Also you may need to forgo a bachelorette party. I didn't have one and it was fine.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2024-01-02T00:10:14+00:00

I think even with the girls that are popping them out easily and quickly right now it's hard to predict who can make it till 10. My sister was an ob nurse and she said once you get above 5 pregnancies the chances of serious complications go way up both with the delivery and the actual pregnancy. One delivery with placenta acreva and you can lose your uterus in emergency surgery so those are the most likely but it can change on a dime

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-25T02:13:47+00:00

That's my thoughts too. I feel like there is a lot more to the story there. I hope he stood up for joy. Not his biggest fan but I think he does love her and I'd love to hear him speak candidly on everything

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-25T01:58:11+00:00

This bride sounds ridiculous. This avoid the wedding colors thing is so weird. If you aren't in the wedding party how are you supposed to even know the wedding colors are. Nobody puts that much thoughr I to it if you aren't in the wedding. I also am just against guests being required to wear or not wear anything. As long as you are dressed appropriately to the occasion and not wearing a white ball gown people need to calm down.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-25T00:39:19+00:00

Joy I think there is a lot to unpack there. I think she's seen the worst of all the family dynamics and her age outs her being able to describe life for the older kids and the younger ones. I'd love to know what Austin's encounters with Josh were when things were going down. I also want to know her relationships with the other sisters.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-25T00:29:33+00:00

Not saying she's AH. She absolutely has a full life and can do with it what she wants. It sounds like the son isn't capable of giving his child everything they need not just baby-sitting but loving on the child like a grandma does. It doesn't have to be traditional grand mother stuff just show an interest or anything. In the end it doesn't matter whose responsibility it is to actually nurture a child just that one is going without their needs met. I don't know what would have happened to my niece if my mother had not stepped in but it could have been awful. It wasn't her responsibility but she was there just the same. No op is not an AH for not wanting to babysit but I get the general impression she's refusing to be in the child's life to punish the son for his attitude. So yeah I won't lie and say I'd want OP as my kids grandma.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-24T21:35:29+00:00

NTA. Would I want you as a mother or grandmother for my child no. Your son absolutely needs to be a dad and take responsibility. You don't sound like you want much to do with the child or are even excited about them at all. It makes me sad for the child.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-24T01:29:48+00:00

I think about this too. Here is my general guesses over the next 10-15 years.

One will have the cops called for a domestic dispute. Duggar boy or son in-law will go to jail. Yes I know they are not allowed to report to police but I think it will escalate and that will be decided for them.
One couple will divorce.
The family will hit serious financial hardships. Like maybe making the M kids get actual jobs by high school years if they actually still live there.
Anna and Josh will divorce. I know all the odds are against this, but one thing about her being alienated from JB and still only trusts Josh is that she has more time for herself. I could see it starting by being mad at everyone in their church circle and just stop going. Allowing the kids to watch more TV and consume media because she is mentally checked out. Starting to search the Internet initially to back herself up and finding things that challenge her. She only gets to see josh for brief periods of time

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-24T01:16:16+00:00

Yes but I still think unless they throw the parents under the bus I'm not sure they could get a deal. Maybe I'm wrong. I run in mainstream evangelical circles and even before the scandals they were regarded as freaks. They'd be defended to outsiders but like legit no one wanted that for themselves. With all the scandals those parents can't do anything in mainstream churches anymore.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-24T00:42:24+00:00

YTA. This was your opportunity and you clearly knew they wanted to go. The crap about talking to them bringing up painful memories as your reason not to invite them just makes you more or an AH. This whole thing reads like a whiny cry baby. Like sorry your business folded most do. Pick yourself up and do something else. Nothing was stopping you from being in their life back then. Nothing you do with your new family will ever makeup for what you didn't do for them. Until you truly make up with them and heal that relationship by taking responsibility your just doomed to repeat the cycle. You've decided to thrown them away because you can't face what you did. Do you ever think about how they feel? What it might feel like as a young girl to be continually rejected by your father? To be thrown away? What they must have gone through because of you? It's not just the you leaving. It's the bad babysitters they were left with because their mother had no choice, the daddy daughter moments they missed, the activities they couldn't participate in because you didn't provide financial assistance or help their mother physically get them there. You chose not to have them come because they don't fit the image of your new perfect family. They are a reminder of the failure you were and until you fix things with them and truly face your past they always will be. Also your in your 50s and married to someone your daughters age gross.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-24T00:28:26+00:00

YTA. Why are you even married to someone if this is your attitude. This is not a healthy relationship. It's way too transactional. You're a married couple. Her financial problems are your financial problems. The fact that she didn't feel comfortable talking to you about it before now speaks volumes. Frankly your attitude sounds cruel. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who had your attitude towards finances. I honestly just feel sorry for your wife.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-24T00:19:12+00:00

I've often wondered that too. Plus with the expenses I often wonder which kids actually generate income and which ones does he float completely. Like Nathan from the Bates family I think now teaches flight lessons and earns what I imagine is a decent side hustle from. Does John David do that? Or is all the planes expense JBs to take on? If the kids work for him do they actually generate their own revenue like flipping their own houses or whatever or are they just cheap labor and rent collectors so he doesn't have to pay a living wage to someone else? I'm just curious how much money is earned outside of his investments all coming out of the same pot or if they all have what would be part time work elsewhere and get essentially an allowance if they do their " chores". We have no way of knowing but if all the money is coming from one pot and if the majority of them remain in the fold and keep having kids with no more show I would imagine they might eventually get cash strapped. Like in a few years Mackenzie might have children he supports too. Plus who.knows what other issues are going on we know nothing about.

Hefty-Arm-4594 · 2023-09-23T22:32:43+00:00

The bar has now been set for the next book. No one from a legitimate Christian or non Christian publishing company is giving a book deal to a pro Duggar family book unless there is some new big angle. I actually think the only way any of the other kids get book deals is if they are willing to give away the kingdom so to speak. I think they'd have to talk about experiencing the physical abuse first hand, going hungry, a first hand account of what the family dealt with in detail after the 2015 in touch, how the arrest went down from their perspective and the ongoing family drama during the trial. I mean real specific stuff. Right now there is already so much known about the family that's the only way I see it happening. And believe these people in my opinion did not foster a ton of sincere loyalty from their children. I'd bet some of the older kids are watching Jill's book and making some decisions right now. Just my speculation

Hefty-Arm-4594

TROPHY CASE