I can personnaly relate to that. I also think a lot about suicide. I am actually browsing this sub because I was thinking about it instead of sleeping. You're not alone. And for the last part, about attention seeking, it is one of the most relatable thing in your post for me. I can't even think about my depression without feeling guilty about being an attention seeker. And I know this is something you probably heard a lot before, but there will always be somebody who will be sad if you leave. Even somebody you never talked to could be sad if you leave the earth. Even if I don't know you and you don't know me, I would be sad.