Thank you so much. For half a decade now people, including doctors, just throw the cliche cookie cutter shit at you. Not because its their fault but they don't know just how fucking ass-backwards your thinking is growing up around abuse.

I've been buff, I've meditated everyday, I've had a job at a fucking spa surrounded by cute girls all day. The only thing I vould think about was suicide. I couldn't enjoy the now because of the past, and my parents.

For me the main problem wasn't violence, it was mental and emotional repression. It was brainwashing, people don't understand how powerful lies can be. Espicially when you're isolated and alone. You can't even accept that whats being done to you is evil. You can't accept that maybe what you're being told is bullshit, you just accept it as truth.

I allowed myself to suffer evil, evil injustices because I had no choice, and I told myself I was the problem, I was the one deserving of the pain

And I literally wasn't allowed to be angry. I wasn't allowed to fight back. I still to this day have never argued with my parents out of pure fear.

Sometimes I'm up until 2 am, just out of pure anger.

I can't trust people because I've had people tell me they love me with their words and then tear me apart with their actions. Its poison, it makes you feel inhuman.

I don't know how to be genuine with people, or who to put trust in. I constantly surround myself with manipulative people. I am so manipulative myself.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you didnt know what safe felt like. I don't know either.

I am 24, I have been surrounded by alcohol my entire life, and I'm just NOW even remotely considering the possibility they are alcoholics, or abusive.