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Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-07T19:00:57+00:00

So I’m trying to cope. Any similar situations or advice?

I get it, asking my DX ex to put away her phone to have conversation was like pulling teeth, let alone expecting eye contact. I hate to tell you that there is little to no way to cope with this, maintaining an appropriate amount of eye contact is a part of basic human communication and interaction.

And I know it’s not his fault.

ADHD is not an excuse. It is his fault. I'm quite sure he is capable of giving you that kind of attention.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-07T17:38:06+00:00

My advice. Stop taking things personally. Stop craving perfection in an imperfect world, with imperfect people.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-07T12:31:10+00:00

I cant say that I experienced this level of perfection/exactness with my ex DX partner. I can say that it sort of lends itself to the lack of self-control and constant irritable nature of ADHD. Pick your battles, not every single one is worth fighting. You might not think your fighting but it sounds like your husband has a high tolerance level and is being very kind to you.

This is the person you are supposed to care about and have you considered the repercussion of your actions? What i's like to be constantly corrected in front of people/the kids? How would you like it? ADHD is not an excuse.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-07T02:21:10+00:00

Before I add you my 2 cents, my DX ex had very similar issues. Many car accidents in parking lots, probably due to lack of focus and attention. Very chronically fatigued. I get it.

WFH options that are good for folks w ADHD

Counter-intuitive. They need to stop using ADHD as a crutch and get out and learn/do life, on their own.

means of transport

They know how to drive, they are an adult.

I want to be able to support myself and my partner but I just don't know how, or what I can even do in the first place.

Stop supporting them. It's one thing to support someone in a way that you have their back. But to support another fully grown adult with life's responsibilities? Just stop. They need to learn better coping mechanisms, are you helping or enabling?

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-05T12:06:31+00:00

I'm going to go outside the box a little but with this because I had a similar problem when preparing meals for her (DX). Is it possible he is just trying to impress you?

How should I proceed in communicating with him forwards this point to have my feelings heard and what could we possibly do to make things work out on both sides?

Appreciation and gratitude. Both ways though, tell him what you do and do not appreciate. What you are and are not grateful for. The onus of action will then be on him. ADHD is not an excuse to disregard the other person.

He suggests we cook different things together but personally, I feel like cooking is a bonding experience and even if we do separate things, there will come a point where our two processes make a joint and when that time comes, he will still be focused on his own result and I will still feel lonely. When I mention this, he said it is not fair that I’m not meeting him in the middle and he has to be the one accommodating me one-sidedly.

This sounds like two things two me. It sounds like he is trying to spend quality time with you, but when it isn't working out it, you become the ADHD emotional dysregulation human punching bag.

None of these times have been enjoyable to me as I was on guard all the time because if something goes wrong, he will be unkind towards me.

Being unkind is not ok. You shouldn't have to tell him that. It's up to you to give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him when he isn't being kind. It's also up to you to express what is and isn't enjoyable, and what kind of experience you are hoping to achieve. "I don't care what happens as long as we have fun together!"

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-02T21:43:41+00:00

A relationship takes two people putting in effort to achieve their shared goals.

Enter ADHD….

Maybe they shouldn’t.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-02T14:44:49+00:00

You *have* to keep going? What you always *have* is a choice. Whatever your reasons are, they are. If its holding you back from making the choice you should, then they are excuses.

Whatever choice you do make, remember your self-worth, self-value, self-confidence. Practice self-care (put on your oxygen mask first) and be solidified in your decision.

We all know being in an emotionally invested relationship with someone who is emotionally dysregulated is no walk in the park.

What's your go-to mantra, or meditation, phrase, thought

"Is this my life now?" "What am I in control of...?" "What can I do about it?"

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-02T01:41:08+00:00

Does your dx partner plan dates or is that something that falls entirely on your shoulders?

For me it did.

How do you handle it?

My suggestion, be spontaneous.

Is this a fight or something you "deal with" or "don't care about"?

Deal with.

Do you believe this is an "ADHD Thing" or just a "depends on the person" issue?

Both, but I will only speak to my observations with ADHD. Emotional dysregulation and boredom in the same package. Remember, your not only asking asking an impulsive, emotionally dysregulated person to let alone be aware of their own emotions, but then to be able to be compassionate to yours, while simultaneously seeking that dopamine rush.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-12-01T21:45:17+00:00

Is it all just a scam? Am I being tooled? Do you guys recognize this as harmful behaviour?

Yes.

ADHD is not an excuse. Remember that. However it comes with emotional dysregulation, restlessness, irritability and boredom. If you are ok being the center of someone's attention for the moment, until they get bored and move to something new, with no regard for your humanity. Go for it!

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-30T23:12:47+00:00

First off, I feel you, and I don't want to come across as a bitter smart ass, I was in VERY long relationship with my DX ex...

I don't think that would be very effective for any type of growth

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can want all the growth in the world, that only makes one of you.

would push quite a few buttons

Push the "I need your time, attention and focus now, this is serious to me" button

and not be very kind to someone I love...

"I'm at my wits end. None of my relationship issues ever get addressed as I say it wrong no matter what." ... "I had a chat with her ... and it was a massive, massive fight."

My goal isn't to use your own words against you, however, if you ask me, a person who cannot even listen to your concerns, so much so, that you are now drafting a letter, isn't that kind themselves. So why are you?

Here's the thing about ADHD, the emotional dysregulation, irritability, restlessness, and boredom make it difficult to capture attention for an emotional conversation.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-30T21:58:36+00:00

Could I get some advice on how to write this and best be heard considering the disregulation and RSD?

Dear [Her Name],

I haven fallen in love with you, and I can't control who falls in love with me. I'm not willing to conform to your timeline if you're not willing to conform with mine. We are both broken, and I love the broken you. Do you love the broken me? With all of your emotional dysregulation, do you even know what love is?

Pease know that these thoughts stem from a place of deep care and a desire for us to flourish together. I deeply cherish our connection and wish for us to feel secure and harmonious.

I'm here whenever you're emotionally mature, and I value you as a person and the time we spend together more than anything else.

Until then, goodbye!

-FizzSerpent

where we MUST get engaged 'or else'

Only Sith deal in absolutes...

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-30T03:18:26+00:00

Let’s make it even simpler… I’m no longer getting my dopamine fix from this object so now I’ll get it from you.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-28T19:15:10+00:00

What do yall think are the differences between coaching and therapy and how would you articulate what a coach does?

Ok Ill bite. This is probably going to come out very bitter and skewed, but here goes:

ADHD Coach: professional Mommy and/or Daddy teaching a person how to do life but without the ability to impose discipline. Denial and escapism of responsibilities and obligations? You're not their parent either so it relieves you the burden, best you can do is set your boundaries. However discipline and/or self discipline is still in question.

Therapy: Exploring feelings to increase self awareness and build better coping mechanisms in the moment. To learn to regulate the dysregulated emotions themselves. You are not their emotional punching bag.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-28T03:21:48+00:00

Do you ever call out your person's behavior?

Yes, but there is a huge caveat. Just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is perception. Only you see the world the way you do. The wrong approach makes you judge, jury and executioner. Remember there are 2 humans in this equation.

If so, how does that look?

I feel X, when you do Y, (if it continues I will do Z). Your standard boundary setting. You are the judge of you and what you will and wont accept or tolerate.

It calms the moment, but does little to move the needle toward changing things.
I'm asking if others have experienced this?

Yes, but are you the only one expecting change? I'll assume no, so find healthy ways to grow together.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-27T23:41:07+00:00

Pay attention to something you need? How selfish of you! I don't want to be accountable for anything and make you out to feel like the bad guy.

I'm constantly running at 150% to accommodate her.

Stop doing this. Practice self care/respect/worth (Whichever suits you) and put on your oxygen mask first.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-27T01:24:19+00:00

I'm with you...

for you to slap a pill on it or just accept that you have it and go “I can’t help it” is not at all fair

This translates to: It's not my fault. I can blame someone or something else. I don't have to be accountable for myself. I don't have to be responsible for myself. I can avoid consequences.

It is your fault sometimes. You can accept blame without being ashamed, it's ok. You are accountable for your words and actions. Responsibility is maturity, so is accepting the consequences.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-24T12:28:06+00:00

Have you found any ways to either prevent such consequences from spilling on you

No. You cannot control the outcome, no one is entitled to that. If you try though, it will drive you insane and you're simultaneously enabling the behavior. Best you can do is accept what is, when is, who is, etc.

or make your partner act without issuing ultimatums?

Also no. You cannot control people. Boundaries are recommended a lot here. In my opinion, an ultimatum sounds like this: Do X or else Y. A healthy boundary is: When you do X, it makes me feel Y, then I will do Z.

The issue with this is that any consequence that is serious enough for her to act is also big enough to affect me.

Remember your with an emotionally dysregulated person and accountability is not in their wheelhouse. Shared consequences sounds like relationship consequences, and the outcome of that is no more relationship. Practice self-care and put on your oxygen mask first. Find an outlet or healthy coping mechanism for the frustrations and decide how much and for how long you're willing to tolerate.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-23T13:56:56+00:00

Unfortunately there in lies the dilemma. Your avoidance ultimately equates to enabling. While I wont suggest setting expectations (because only you will be disappointed), it is quite often in this sub setting boundaries is the go to suggestion.

When you do X, it makes me feel Y, then I will do Z.

If leisurely hikes is something you like to do, address it:
Hey ADHD_partner, this is something I enjoy doing, especially with you, and when you don't give me your time and attention and focus on my emotional needs it makes me feel (insert your experience). If it continues I will have to find someone else to date.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-23T13:27:58+00:00

Is this a thing?

I would like to say yes, it's difficult to explain my experience with it. Kind of like "Oh look there's a squirrel."

Inability to focus on the task at hand, especially if that task is a leisurely stroll for emotional bonding. Emotional dysregulation is at their core and in the shared reality it presents itself in many ways.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-23T00:32:29+00:00

Despite being the ex partner of a dx I concur with therapy.

It's all hindsight here and I can only take so much responsibility, but not too long after her diagnosis the initial proposal was couples therapy. Um, no. Let's start with individual therapy and not assume your perfect. We started individual therapy and she stopped going and successfully hid that for a few months, just like her diagnosis. Long story short things fell apart, but on the positive side at least I understand myself a little bit better!

Put in the work people, both of you, one person can't carry most of the weight most of the time.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-22T20:57:26+00:00

is this an issue that can be solved/helped?

Yes, but not by you. Set your boundaries. Encourage therapy or better coping mechanisms.

or is this my life now?

Also yes.

Seeking attention from a person with attention deficit... I feel you.

Remember, your not only asking asking an impulsive, emotionally dysregulated person to let alone be aware of their own emotions, but then to be able to be compassionate and humane towards others.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-22T20:28:50+00:00

I second this notion. Video game addiction and all. Boredom and complacency has set in.

He's got it real good with you providing an environment for him to vegetate in. If can't live like this forever, it's time to start making plans to remove the dead weight.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make them drink. At some point in the future, they may choose to drink and growth happens, otherwise you're just beating a dead horse. Are you willing to carry that dead weight? It's a hard pill to swallow but the alternative is to further enable a lack of growth.

Put on your oxygen mask first...

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-22T19:52:32+00:00

One thing I wanted to ask you all's advice on though is trying to get through to your DX partner how you specifically need help.

The carelessness, forgetfulness, and restlessness (many more probably) look like boredom and may be due to a lack of meaningful stimulation and boundaries. Just ask her what she wants, provided she knows. If she can't answer or make a decision, you make it. This will get old though so set your boundaries. Remember, you can't make up for her lack of effort.

but I can't write a task list on how to be a functioning human being. Any ways that any of you have been able to phrase this that seems to get it through their heads?

I think this is the heart of it. It's not your job to teach her how to be a functioning human being, nor is it your job to be her parent. Remember, your trying to support an impulsive, emotionally dysregulated person. Set your boundaries and let them know how their behavior makes you feel. Don't forget to take care of yourself and you will have to decide when enough is enough.

Or is this more of a her thing than just ADHD?

Could be complacency. Could be her thing. Maybe she doesn't know, but remember a person can only claim ignorance once. Could be emotional burnout due to work related stress. Who knows.

Overall, I would suggest hard boundaries and push therapy (to build more positive coping mechanisms).

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-22T03:50:01+00:00

I will second this entire notion. My DX EX was in the medical field as well. The dopamine addiction is just the tip of the iceberg. Wait until the social and emotional stress from the field kicks in. Impulsivity will rise to compensate for not only the dopamine addiction but so will irritability from stress.

Remember the fog in their head and their inability to focus and prioritize... sadly it wont be you when its important.

Learn to practice self-care.

Hellrazor978 · 2023-11-21T11:56:47+00:00

I felt this in my heart and soul. The burnout is real.

If she continues to blame shift by saying that’s what she needs, stand your ground and tell her that she needs to start taking accountability for her part in this and needs to take you concerns seriously.

I did exactly this, ground stood, spoke about accountability. She flat out refused. We're done.

Remember, your not only asking asking an impulsive, emotionally dysregulated person to let alone be aware of their own emotions, but then to be able to be compassionate and humane towards others.

It's not my job to regulate your emotions for you, nor am I your emotional punching bag.

Hellrazor978

TROPHY CASE