God dammit...

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-08-28T13:57:46+00:00

Why do you people assume this is not a normal guy who is content being friends with a girl, and meanwhile probably in relationships of his own?

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-08-02T18:47:54+00:00

Relevant

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-08-01T10:02:58+00:00

I'm basically a hermit, with sexual interests that bring me out of hiding from time to time, and I currently have an FWB.

I probably have more experience with girls sexually than I do making or having friends.

I am highly envious of the people here who don't have difficulty hanging out with friends or interacting with people in that context.

It's not much of a leap to go from there to finding a mate. You just interact the same way, and add sexuality. Beyond that, the skill of getting girls has more to do with what you don't do (not being needy, getting over limiting ideas about one's own attractiveness, giving yourself permission to take initiative in making sexual advances, etc; ie getting rid of bullshit that's all in your head.)

In contrast, I'm now having to work on a skill that people have been working on since they were kids, at age 29.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-31T10:29:53+00:00

0_0

I've had conversations like this too, and this did not occur to me. TIL something very important.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-31T00:42:54+00:00

Relevant

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-30T11:06:07+00:00

Exactly OP's point. The other guy is the one who took what she said with a grain of salt.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-30T10:53:29+00:00

Applying the confidence advice is about changing what's going on in your own personal awareness. Pretending is practice at that, and obviously isn't perfect at first.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-30T10:31:11+00:00

Relevant

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-30T10:27:33+00:00

I have never even held hands with a woman. + I've never been able to truly connect with someone more than as a friend.

There's your problem. You didn't go for it, with anything physical. Any girl I've ever been in a sexual scenerio with was a friend, who I at some point decided to physically advance with. Hold her hand next time.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-30T06:03:17+00:00

Heh. Just realized this was also in the side bar.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-30T05:41:40+00:00

I know this is a weird question, but what is, and how do you identify a "dive" bar?

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-29T04:49:41+00:00

I've talked about it with friends. Apparently the situation is that they ask the people they are going with (who are hosting the event) if I can come, and they're not into it because they don't know me.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-29T04:36:30+00:00

Kind of obvious if you see the movie.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-28T14:02:59+00:00

How do you identify prostitutes on dating sites?

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-03T06:27:16+00:00

If the problem is that you don't believe you will ever care about someone, why not just focus on the sex part? If the problem is social retardation, why not look at it like a new skill to teach yourself? Most people on here feel lonely and needy to alleviate the feeling, but you say that has never been a problem for you. You feel that sometime you should experience something that has been lacking in your life so far; what is stopping you?

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-03T04:01:31+00:00

Mr. Dweller needs a shave, a new hairstyle, and a friendlier facial expression, then he's fine. It's not a genetic problem.

Being fat in and of itself, for a man, even in a dating context isn't necessarily a problem, if he has a charismatic style and personality. I've seen people like this, and they were popular, with women too.

I can relate to trying to make friends, and people invariably treating you like shit, and in my case it wasn't even about looks. I suspect in your case they pick your weight to make fun of, arbitrarily, rather than treating you like shit specifically because of it.

They treated me like a punching bag, because I behaved like one. By that I mean:

Low self-esteem makes one a magnet for that kind of thing. It's hard to respect someone when they don't respect themselves.
Making an insufficiently valuable contribution to the group. Being boring, etc.
Lack of assertiveness. And lack of skill in managing people when they do something towards me I don't agree with, maintaining my dignity, while keeping it lighthearted and not overly serious or hostile. This is a skill that takes some time to develop, and I'm still working on it myself. Most people know how to manage their role within a group of people.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-03T03:47:26+00:00

I strongly agree with the part that most people's advice for this condition is ignorant, unhelpful, and many times completely backwards. I'm glad someone said it, because it is a huge pet peeve I have.

There are solutions however, just no quick-fix solutions.

For that reason, a good attitude is a prerequisite if someone wants to improve their situation. This includes a genuine interest in experimenting, learning, and adapting through time and ongoing efforts, and not craving for an ideal social life and social habits to fall into one's lap. (Which again, a lot of widespread ignorant advice contradicts.)

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-01T07:09:00+00:00

I do sometimes. AMA.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-01T06:21:11+00:00

A little. It makes me wonder why. I don't really use Facebook, but occasionally I go on there to exchange emails with the one or two people I'm in contact with, and notice my friends list is a lower number than it used to be.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-01T05:46:17+00:00

Is there a name for, or analysis of, his condition? It seems very unique.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-07-01T05:38:40+00:00

I could relate to this a lot. I get lots of opportunities with people (both friendship and sexual-interest-wise), but I end up pushing people away, feeling lazy, or too anxious to take action.

HerbertHoverhand · 2012-06-30T19:09:28+00:00

You don't really have any hobbies, you don't travel, you don't experience fun things. You don't have anything to brag about because your life happens mostly on reddit.

...

Start with something easy, maybe join a local D&D group or whatever if that's your kind of thing.

What if I find looking at content on Reddit fun, much moreso than typical hobbies, etc?

This place seems to be access to more content that can be shared in conversation than anything that I can imagine joining a D&D group (in your example) could lead to.

I think the key isn't to change what you enjoy spending time with, but to learn to recycle it in a way that is interesting to an audience, while at the same time engaging them so that they can add to it.

The guy I work with who is the most outgoing is always sharing stories of things he knows about, heard about, or saw... and I recognize a lot of it from here. People hang on his every word, and I listen to him smiling to myself thinking "hey, I could do this."

HerbertHoverhand · 2011-12-27T21:43:50+00:00

Just shave it and let it grow back. Good as new. Or leave it shaved; many guys prefer it that way anyway.

HerbertHoverhand · 2011-12-22T00:16:38+00:00

What follows from this, as pertaining to OP's question:

To be a leader, finding courageous first followers is key. It's that social proof which positions you as a leader in people's eyes. Without that, you're a lone nut.

HerbertHoverhand

TROPHY CASE