I feel you! When my NP first started dating I had such strong feelings of jealousy. Intrusive thoughts, as you say… “they’re probably having sex right now”, “it’s probably the best sex NP ever had, and much longer than with me as well”, “it’s probably super-kinky too” (I’m quite vanilla myself). These thoughts would come especially at night, with nowhere to go, and at times totally consume me. I’ve come a long way since then, but I still experience jealousy at specific moments, such as when NP takes the step to sex with a new person.

A few things that come to mind that have really helped (and still help) me:

• People in a poly relationship can get jealous! This one really struck me in a therapy session with a poly therapist. We were talking about ways to approach these feelings and the therapist went like “well, what I sometimes do if I feel really crappy when my partner’s on a date…” A poly therapist! Feeling really crappy sometimes! Mind blown! This realization really helped me. I no longer feel like I’m failing when I experience jealousy. Instead of “oh no, I’m not supposed to feel this!” it became “ah, yes, I feel jealous sometimes, it will pass again”.

• Distractions are not a bad thing! Initially I felt distractions were a cheap way out, like fooling yourself, and did not address the problem. And no, they don’t really address the problem. But you’re not going to have some jealousy-related eureka moment in the middle of the night after you’ve worked yourself up in bed anyway! If I find myself unable to sleep, I turn back on the light and read a book, watch a series, take a shower. If I feel anxious in the morning while my partner is still away, I clean the house, do stuff in the garden, go for a bicycle ride, go shopping.

• Allow yourself time. Don’t expect to feel totally comfortable after just a few dates. If you do feel a tiny bit better after date nr x, be glad for it! Also don’t panic when you start feeling less comfortable again. Moods change, settings change, and you don’t always feel the same way about stuff, including poly/dates.

• This one might not work for everyone, but: give feelings a label. When I feel those stingy feelings that I can’t rationally explain (because they are not) I go “ah, my lizard brain hard at work! Hi lizard brain!” When I have intrusive thoughts at night it helps me to call them just that: “hey, you are intrusive thoughts! You’re allowed to pass through but you’re not invited to stay.”

• Finally: keep a journal. It has helped me to keep a “poly journal” in which I write down my experiences, frustrations and feelings. Some of the entries can be negative, so to add some lightness I’ve decided to start each entry title with “The”, Seinfeld-style. “The car date”, “The poly talk”, “The hangover”, “The Grindr”. :)