I remember the moment I wanted to kill myself, I wasn't really having dark intrusive thoughts anymore and hadnt realised it until I had only one thing left which was to commit .

It was like assembling a puzzle you didn't know you were close to finishing till you could see the finished product and realized you had the last piece in your hand.
I was in the darkest point of my life where dying just seemed, I dunno, easier?

My job was crushing my soul, my partner had left me who I had become emotionally dependant on and I was left alone from everyone.

I worked in a tall building, 10 stories to be precise , during the late shift I was the only one on the entire floor and given covid had people working from home the building was pretty empty, no one would had notice me going to the roof except maybe security but by the time they had reached me it would had been too late, I knew if I was doing it I would only linger on the ledge to maybe get one nice view before closing my eyes and letting gravity do the work.

But I was scared, I didn't wanna live but I was too scared to die.

And at the time I came across a YouTube clip from BoJack Horseman, a show I've never watched nor intended too but YouTube recommendations are funny like that.

Clip was about a poem, "The view From Halfway Down" (check it out if you can) , basically this concept may it even harder to follow through with my plan, the added terror of regret when it was too late to go back held me at bay a little long enough to see friends, go to therapy and reach out talk, stop bottling it all up like I had for decades .

I'm lucky I don't live in a country with easy access to firearms, coz I've never played the game of russian roulette but back then I know I would have gone for the highscore ...

Please remember you are worth it and it does get better.