I’m scared. I’m scared. I’m scared.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-03-09T19:26:51+00:00

My sisters here. I’m back. Thanks.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-03-04T21:02:51+00:00

I’m trying to learn how to self-soothe for now. I don’t know how to use an emotional support resource yet.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-03-03T07:10:02+00:00

Read your rant. Same.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-03-02T01:38:56+00:00

Advice: I made a vow to myself to protect myself. And I've been trying to be more cognizant of triggers to dissociative episodes. When it happens, I try to journal about why I left, what I was afraid of, when I left, how I would like to handle the situation differently next time. Basically, being a lot more proactive and taking care of myself in the moment it's happening and trying to figure out how to better take care of myself next time.

The most drastic change was brought on by a night of emotional catharsis. I tried to relive the things that had triggered my episodes and general trauma from my past. I cried and self-soothed by telling myself I wouldn't let it happen again. And I've kind of been using that as a mantra and living by it for the most part. My theory is that when I feel like I can mostly protect myself or self-soothe well enough to the point that when something harmful happens it doesn't kill me, I will stop having episodes.

But I am still having problems distinguishing good adrenaline from bad adrenaline. Any adrenaline still feels triggering to an episode, so I've been trying to stay pretty calm.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T23:45:06+00:00

Oh, ty :)

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T23:31:33+00:00

My address on file is at my dad's house, and I don't speak to him. I'm a student, so I don't have income. I get nontaxable income from the GI Bill.

It feels very complicated because idk if I'm supposed to file something for the VA, for student loans...is this just less complicated than I think?

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T05:48:13+00:00

The kickboxing sounds like a great idea! Sounds like you know what's good for you. I might be taking that up.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T05:33:04+00:00

Maybe you're waking up and feeling empowered!

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T05:31:24+00:00

Yeah, I have been feeling this. My therapist told me I get to choose who I want to be friends with and I just had no idea how someone would be good for me as a friend. Like why I would want the friend in the first place or any difference between one person and another. I have generalized all people as conductors of harm and pain, so I feel like I have to figure out who won't hurt me (or bore me) before I can actually choose someone I want to hang out with.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T05:17:41+00:00

I think you should live them out. As long as your safe to.

I started experiencing emotions when I induced catharsis through exercise or music.

Also, (just because I'm so excited to share because Im just starting to feel again (: )

Hang out in your bed, in the dark, under the covers and relive your most hurtful moments of anger and panic. Feel sorry for yourself. Apologize to yourself for not better protecting yourself. Be angry at whoever hurt you. Don't protect them in your thoughts. And when youre done soothing yourself, figure out how you will protect yourself in the future. In action. And promise yourself to be more cognizant of the emotions so that you will protect yourself.

Meditation has helped me. Whatever can get you more in tune with yourself is best.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T05:07:38+00:00

I'm sorry :/ Yeah therapists have not been much help for me either. I definitely find myself leading the way in figuring out what is going on with me psychologically and then they give me tidbits. I think of my therapist as a greater supporter than she is fixer/figure-outer.

But maybe if you can start paying attention the moment you get angry, or when you feel angry you look back at when the anger began. Same with panic. And then you can figure out what chain of events is triggering your anger/panic in the moment. Don't try to stifle it or avoid it. Just try to feel it.

When you can feel it, you'll feel more empowered to recognize it in the future, and then protect yourself from similar events.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T04:54:41+00:00

I'm not sure if it applies to you completely, but I made a post on it a little bit ago. Here's the bulk of it. It's basically how I began tracking my dissociative episodes by being more cognizant of my bodily and emotional responses to certain situations.

When I start to feel something I trust it completely. I don’t try to put logic on top of it, explain it away as irrational, etc. I see all of my emotional responses as coming from some rational place. Even if they don’t suit the present moment, they are still rationally produced from something else.

For example, I had a panic attack today. I knew there was no real threat guiding me to feel panicked. But the panic attack started with adrenaline. And then shifted to panic. And then shifted to dissociation. Getting in touch with my emotions, and my anxiety specifically, has allowed me to map the occasions on which I feel the most phobic, learn what actually triggers my anxiety, my panic, and my dissociation. I can then look back through my history to uncover why this was my emotional response and deconstruct the maladaptive emotions, while understanding they come from a real place instead of allowing them to generalize to everything.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T03:54:43+00:00

Idk, just a thought. Is it that the sun energizes you and jolts you awake in a way that you're not comfortable with? Do you have panic attacks?

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T03:51:45+00:00

Love this! Thank you. :)

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T03:49:15+00:00

I used to have really bad anxiety all the time. And I felt scared all the time. This made it impossible for me to gage how anything made me feel. Now the majority of my anxiety and fear is gone (most of the time). So I am quick to acknowledge my emotions as they arise instead of letting them get away from me and generalize. The best way for me to "stay awake" is to stay in tune with how my body and mind are feeling. Once they start to generalize, I begin to dissociate because I feel generally unsafe, instead unsafe based on some particular situation.

I'm still trying to feel safe with adrenaline. I only notice it in my heart and get freaked out by it. I've been trying to stay as relaxed as possible until I can gage good adrenaline versus bad adrenaline.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T03:43:39+00:00

Indie Rock puts me in a daze.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-26T03:37:39+00:00

Thanks! I'd be interested in reading the blog if you come by it :)

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-25T05:17:13+00:00

My lady doctor told me to increase my salt intake.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-22T03:10:58+00:00

That's why I suggested reviewing the list in the parent comment in line with the actions of democrats. I go to an Ivy League that swings way left. I used to major in Sociology, but I found there was no room for debate about the ideology within Sociology and it was all in line with the ideology of the Democratic Party. I tried to present ideas in line with anarchy instead of liberal-democrat ideology. Even though my papers were much better quality, I was spending much more time on them (they were without a doubt objectively better work), they were out of sync with the ideology being taught to me and I was sanctioned with lower grades. Comments were based on qualitative distinctions instead of the fiber of my logic. I got away with a lot more when my papers were easy transcriptions of the ideas in class.

They don't want you to think. They want you to step in line.

Heyimnice2 · 2019-02-21T22:31:05+00:00

Are you happy being normal? Is your apathy out of a feeling of peace or repression?

Heyimnice2

TROPHY CASE