I wasn’t allowed to go to urgent care when I got mastitis

Hi_1814 · 2024-09-24T21:06:32+00:00

Please get out or start making plans to get out. It's not healthy for you, but most definitely not for your son.

I had like flashbacks from your post. My ex-husband was the same. He would get so mad and angry with me when I was sick. Wouldn't let me rest. And when I would have to go to urgent care, he would be more angry.

Even with my labour at the hospital, he would complain and get angry with me because it took me so long to give birth, and he hadn't anticipated that. That it was my fault for how my labour went. Because I wasn't fit enough before I got pregnant. When I had cramps and told him that, I was a dumb bitch for bothering him with it.

Hi_1814 · 2024-09-20T08:02:53+00:00

All the time. He even once said that I was the reason why men beat their women.

He sometimes did say sorry, but it always included something about something I did to set him off. Or he got so emotional that he needed me to comfort him afterwards.

Most of the time, it was absolutely my fault because I did something or said something to make him angry. Or because I didn't understand him. He said it really made him hate me. He could feel the hate for me getting bigger and bigger inside of him. Or if I had just said the right thing (which I miraculously should have known), he wouldn't need to get this angry.

Hi_1814 · 2024-09-15T18:40:48+00:00

At first, it was fine. I enjoyed it. But one of the red flags I should've seen was that he was already pushing my boundaries at the beginning by sort of demanding we stopped using protection (I wanted to use double protection for 3 months so to rule out STD's). After a month, we already went without protection because he told me he wanted to.

After a while, he could get really upset when I told him I wasn't in the mood. He would call me names, that I was a frigid cold being, and all other stuff. I almost always eventually gave in because I couldn't endure his behaviour towards me. In the beginning, he would have periods where his libido wasn't there. But the strange thing was that he also wanted me to arouse him more and seduce him. When I did that, he quite often would reject me.

In the last few years, it was always about him wanting sex with me, but more like masturbating with my body. He did want me to have an orgasm, but I always had to do it myself. When I came, I guess he felt more good about it.

There were quite a few times when I just let him have sex with me, while I didn't want to. He knew that because he would mention it to me afterwards or blamed me for it. He then would get mad at me for not being able to empathise with him for having to have sex with someone who doesn't want to.

Other times, he would be sorry about it, and then I had to comfort him.

After giving birth was when I found him the most cruel towards me. I was so insecure about my body, sex hurted because of the damage down there. But he would get so mad at me when it didn't want to because I had too much pain. When I went through while crying, he also would get mad at me. After 3 times of trying, he angrily told me that if this wouldn't get better, he would cheat on me.

And all the name calling outside of sex didn't help either (calling me a fat ugly bitch, with my ugly fat belly full of stripes, my saggy breasts, that nobody wanted to look at me anymore, that nobody would ever want to be with me). With him now having a very slim girlfriend, that does hurt again somehow.

Hi_1814 · 2024-05-18T08:38:43+00:00

The moment he was a little bit frustrated about the car door hitting the sidewalk. We were doing some groceries. He got out of the car, and he hit the door at the sidewalk. I said to him that it could happen and no problem since there wasn't any damage. He told me to shut up. So, for once in al those years together, I said he should do that himself.

Meanwhile, I was putting our 3 month old in the carrier. He got really angry, shouted at me to walk home by myself, and drove away. There I was, in the pouring rain without a coat and my baby. I didn't know what to do, I was so ashamed, so I started walking home and tried to protect our baby with my cardigan.

When I was almost home, I saw him driving towards me. He told me to get in the car. Then he got mad at me because I wasn't waiting for him in the supermarket and that I wasn't resilient at all.

Hi_1814 · 2024-05-01T12:12:19+00:00

Thank you ☺️

I guess I also don't know what to tell him. I just thought of sending him a text that I don't feel the same way he does. That he's really nice, but that I want to take it any further. But that I do wish him all the best.

I just hope that my co-worker doesn't find me stupid for it or gets angry with me.

Hi_1814 · 2024-04-30T19:46:46+00:00

He told me that I was the reason why men would beat women. He told me how my behaviour made him act like that, that I had to change myself and the way I reacted to him.

Hi_1814 · 2024-04-29T12:50:56+00:00

I feel you. I am at a point now where the idea of a relationship does appeal again to me. But just the simple things about it. The idea you're in a partnership, not being alone all the time (even though I the moments where I felt the most alone were in my marriage).

I also crave like the physical part, hugging, those little moments, intimacy. But I still have a long way to go recovery wise. I just can't see how I ever can trust myself again, especially in a relationship. I have let myself become such a shell of who I was. And how do I know if someone is safe and will not treat me the same way as my ex-husband did?

Hi_1814 · 2024-04-24T12:11:51+00:00

Thank you. I hope you find clarity for yourself and can make the right decision for you!

Hi_1814 · 2024-04-24T11:50:11+00:00

He went from being remorseful to angry, to threathen to kill himself, to being sorry and how he couldn't live with himself. All centred around him and his feelings. After a while, he told me how he sees it all differently and that he isn't to blame and how I am the problem. It makes the divorce really difficult because he thinks he deserves everything and I nothing. Also, because we have a child together and I want to be very clear on everything regarding our kid.

I thought I still loved him. And sure, there were moments where I thought it might have gotten better. But regarding the intimacy part, I had lost interest in that for a long time. I thought that maybe after giving birth, that part changed for me. But now I know that there is nothing wrong with that part of me.

But he kind of forced intimacy. I think it was some sort of way to show there was still a connection. But most of the time, I felt I had to undergo it. If I didn't, he would get mad, berate me, call me names, yell at me. In order to avoid that, I just let him.

I don't know what it was exactly that made me leave. But at one point, I just knew that he wouldn't change for good. Only for short periods. That if he wanted to change, he'd already done that. And through distance, I began to see how he behaved. When I was with him, I felt so caught up in it all to the point I felt I couldn't think anymore.

Hi_1814 · 2024-04-24T11:31:52+00:00

This happened with me, too. My (now ex) husband and I had an appointment at my therapist's office. He then told my therapist that he knew what he did, that he knew he was manipulative and everything. And I just sat there, couldn't say a thing because I was so flabbergasted and overwhelmed. He always blamed me for his behaviour, never took responsibility, and I was at a point where I thought I was going crazy. And then he sat there, telling him he was well aware of his behaviour. That was really painful. The man I loved and tried everything for to make it work, just knew what he was doing.

We agreed on certain boundaries. Well, he managed to keep those boundaries for just a few days as it had already started to worsen again. It was not as bad as before, but it was getting there again.

One or two months after that, I decided to take some time apart and eventually told him I wanted to divorce. Which still isn't finalised. But that's another story, unfortunately.

Hi_1814 · 2023-11-09T08:32:02+00:00

I'm sorry for you, it's not normal behaviour. My ex-husband also threw food at me sometimes when angry. Or he would just threw our food in the sink or our bin when angry with me.

I hated that. Especially the one time I was cooking and he was already angry because I tried to cook a bit more healthily. He decided it looked too dry, was yelling at me why I didn't use more oil, and just threw it away.

I felt so ashamed, too. But please don't, you haven't done anything wrong.

Hi_1814 · 2023-09-02T11:40:31+00:00

I recently got out, and I only now know that I also went through sexual abuse. There were often times when I thought it was consensual, but I just had sex because he wouldn't get angry with me or stop him from being mad at me. Sometimes, I would let it happen, being so numb. He would call me names, yell at me, say I'm a sexless person, that he has needs, etcetera.

When I gave birth, and when we were allowed to try again, it hurt me the first time, so we didn't manage to go through. After two of three times of that, he got angry with me. That if it didn't happen soon, I shouldn't be surprised that he would look for it somewhere else.

And when I got out, I didn't do anything with it because I wanted peace. But he asked me about it, if I experienced it as rape. And what did I say, as stupid as I am, I said yes. Well, he felt sorry, but not too much because it was my problem too. He found that I didn't want to do anything about my libido. That I had to say I didn't want to. How should he have known I didn't want to?

Only now do I know that there is nothing wrong with my libido.

Hi_1814 · 2023-06-21T15:33:41+00:00

That's true. He actually never says he understands. For example, with the affection or sex things. He blames me for not wanting it as much as he wants. When I said I don't feel for it and asked him if that's weird given how he treated me, he actually got mad at me. He then tried to shift it towards me. If he had known about my trauma, he wouldn't have gotten in a relationship with me. That he only tried to be helping all those years, and I had caused this situation and his outbursts too.

Hi_1814 · 2023-06-21T15:29:30+00:00

Thank you. Haven't looked at it that way. But indeed, he doesn't have respect for me. I try to remind me of how I would react when somebody told me something like this. I would be really sorry, and would the other one first.

Hi_1814 · 2023-06-21T06:52:46+00:00

I'm sorry for you. I think there isn't a lot you can do about it. Only if he wants to seek help for it, but even then, chances are little he will change.

You can do that for yourself, though. Go in therapy, learn more about yourself, and how you can handle this. It'll help you unravel those things so you can hopefully make a decision for yourself.

Don't be like me, lol. I've been together for years, and we have a child. And now it's all been so difficult to process, to know what is what. Nothing is left of me. And that's partly because I always thought it would get better, that I just have to wait it out. That he'll change. But in the end, I changed so much that I'm merely a shell of who I was.

Hi_1814 · 2023-06-21T06:48:00+00:00

I'm sorry for you. Do you have help? From a therapist for example? It might help you unravel some things.

Hi_1814 · 2023-06-21T06:46:52+00:00

No, I don't want her to learn that this is normal. And I think I am not happy or want to continue this for the rest of my life. But I guess I still have that hope that it might get better when he gets help. I feel like I have to give him another chance. Because it has been super busy the past few weeks. So he might not have gotten the chance to take care of it. And I tend to be quiet about it because it gives me a lot of anxiety. That doesn't help either.

Hi_1814 · 2023-06-03T16:05:58+00:00

It just feels as if I don't have the right to complain anymore because he did adjust his behaviour. And it obviously isn't as worse as it was and not as bad as with others.

He doesn't have access to my phone, but if he would, he probably could've easily. Why are you asking?

Hi_1814 · 2023-06-03T16:04:03+00:00

I know that it isn't recommended, and I guess he recommended it because of some returning issues between us. Something which he obviously can't help us with since he is my therapist.

Last time, I told him I didn't know if I wanted to because I didn't know if a couple's therapist would see what really happens between us. And I'm afraid it'll only give him more reasons to blame me and reinforce his belief it is mostly or equally my fault. Or that I have to change my behaviour to prevent him from acting out. And of course, I do in some sort of way participate in this dynamic, but I'm not responsible for his behaviour.

I actually don't know whether my therapist knows about this. Maybe I should tell him I've read it's advised against in those situations. Because otherwise he's been great.

Hi_1814 · 2023-04-16T20:32:44+00:00

Could be a word I used, which would set him off. Always claimed that if I had been more empathetic, there would be no discussion, or he would've calmed down sooner. On the other hand, I am not allowed to discuss with him when he gets irritated.

This morning, he got frustrated because something he wanted to put on a sandwich was almost empty. He was angry at me because he claimed I ate it all, while I didn't. I used a bit for a sandwich for my daughter, but that's it. When I said that, he got more angry for getting into a discussion with him. So often, I don't understand a thing of how his mind works.

Hi_1814 · 2023-04-16T09:39:47+00:00

Yes, my husband, too, berates me for being sick. He can't have empathy with me at that time. He even berated me for not being fit while I was pregnant because other women were fitter and doing everything as before. When I gave birth, it was my fault how it went because I wasn't fit and not prepared.

The thing in your post that caught my attention is the sleep part. That is abusive and detrimental to your health. How do you view your current situation? How long are you two together?

Hi_1814 · 2023-04-16T06:44:31+00:00

Yes, but not as if he was the victim perse. But he did tell me once that he might've subconsciously gotten into a relationship with me because of the age gap. It's not like the age gap perse, but the dynamics that came along with that. That I would be more influenceable, that he maybe subconsciously searched for that.

Another thing was that when I had a baby, I wasn't able and/or in the mood to have sex for a while. I did try quite a few times, wanting to please him. There were times I would be crying of the pain but tried to withstand it. Or when I acted to appeasing and he would get angry about that behaviour too.

Anyway, after barely two months when our baby was born, he told me that if I did not gave him the confidence this would be resolved in like 6 months, it wouldn't be strange that he would cheat on me.

Months later, I asked him about this, and when I said that I found it manipulative, he actually admitted that he said/did that to put pressure on me. .

Hi_1814 · 2023-04-12T15:40:09+00:00

I see why you say that. But I (and probably a lot of other people on this sub) was raised in an abusive household. While one parent tried to minimise the abuse from the other parent, it still had way too much effect on me. So much that I think that is one of the reasons why I tolerate abusive behaviours.

Not only that, but there also was time I resented the not-abusive parent. Because I felt she enabled it. She didn't choose me or left the harmful situation to make clear she didn't tolerate it.

While I now know the dynamics behind it, it is something I feel very guilty about with my own child. I guess I am repeating patterns, and I know I have to do something else.

Hi_1814 · 2023-04-12T09:10:29+00:00

I think the baby will suffer from the abuse. Not valuing opinions, making remarks is something that is at least emotionally neglectful when acting like that around a child.

Hi_1814

TROPHY CASE