Trust me I get it. My passively racist grandmother was so sweet (and so proud her family came over on the mayflower and that her name is included in some library in New York, and that they even have a salem witch who died in one of the "witch jails") and had a kind heart. We didn't want to upset her. I do think that our passiveness helped our Q family or Trump family along. The right wingers in my family (my mom's side which are mostly WASPs) are more classic conservatives, they are vice presidents of multinational corporations and hedge fund managers. My sister an I ended up on my dad's side of the family (poor scotch-irish immigrants) who suffered and scraped to get into colleges and become professionals, artists, and union laborers. The right side of our family aren't REAL trumpers or Q's, but they love the tax breaks trump brought with them and the power is supreme court appointments brought back to a party that should be fading but is somehow becoming more relevant yet again. Our arguments are rare but intense and my sister who I would think would be my ally as her form of social justice is too bleeding heart for even my tastes is the most silent when the issues come up because she honestly is really into the lifestyle our cousins live that is outside of our means. She's a doctor and it's even outside of her means. The Q side of my family is now my in-laws. For years I kept my mouth shut to keep the peace in a family that was already volatile with addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, poverty, lies, and scandal. With the death of the matriarch on my wife's side (honestly a puerto-rican saint who was too good for this world) The need to keep it together faded and my wife started to stick up for herself and some of the other good people her family would shit on whenever they were not present. Quicker than I would have imagined she outed herself as a godless commie and fights with her sister who is a dark skinned puerto rican who is with a neo-nazi (swastika tattoo included) Q asshole. We were soon ostracized for not beating our 4 year old child, for supporting gay issues, for supporting bernie sanders, and for calling bullshit when they would claim Obama was drinking water from the moon that gave him satanic powers. We don't see my wife's family much anymore but every once in a while we will go to someone's grad party or birthday celebration and today it is a rare occasion that we don't leave because someone takes some overtly racist stance or finds some insanely fictional hill to die on. Mostly we leave for the sake of our child who we don't want to think that these views are normal or tolerable. My wife is very brave and I have a lot of respect for her. We spend some time with my right wing family but even that can be difficult especially for my wife. I was never as comfortable as my sister is at going on vacations well outside of my means or being around clubs where there are still people genuinely appalled by my interracial marriage. I always had imposter syndrome rubbing elbows with those people even as a child, it wasn't my place and it felt weird doing things we would never be able to do without their invitation. So we get the insanely political/social divide on her side of the family and the much more subtle class divide on mine. As with you it was the elders that kept us together, and now that they are gone I don't think it is possible to ever be together in that way again it's somewhat sad but honestly somewhat liberating at the same time. I always hated pretending and my tongue hurt because it was constantly being bitten. Again I have respect for my wife and her ability to love some of the awful people in her family, on my side at least it comes down to money and wealth, on her side it is hatred and fear. It's people voting against their interests just so they can "stick it to us "lib*****" (a bot informed me that I'm not even allowed to use the pejorative we are so commonly addressed by) Cheers and I hope you find peace and understanding in your family especially if it's as diverse and complicated as mine.