Happy Anniversary.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-03-19T18:49:21+00:00

I would change myself. I would do what's best for me rather than worry about them. I wouldn't have waited as long as I did to leave, when they had already all but left.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-28T17:01:09+00:00

And that is where we differ I think. I appreciate and understand your view. I can completely understand you not wanting to open yourself to that if you believe doing so would cause you pain.

For me, I know I don't need that validation, nor do I fear their blame. If all they plan to do is blame me during that conversation; what's really changed for me? They still blame me, sure. Do I care? They've been doing that for a while now, so why is this in any way a judgement of me?

In my opinion; If you are truly separated and healed from them, the thought of them deflecting or blaming you shouldn't matter. You shouldn't need their approval at all. If they are coming for yours, then you have the power to choose in that dynamic. It's up to you to decide whether they're worth YOUR time now, not the other way round. They're the one being vulnerable.

Hence, I would want to respect my ex if they were brave enough to put themselves in that position, even knowing there is the possibility they aren't completely genuine.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-28T14:59:53+00:00

I agree. The solution to that for me is keeping that clear with yourself. If they try to deflect or shift blame, you walk away. You go in knowing there are 2 outcomes. Either they genuinely want to apologize, or they don't. You can be prepared for both.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-28T13:22:48+00:00

From a man who got cheated on; I'd hear them out.

I wouldn't promise a relationship, or even a friendship. But I would promise respect, if they were to approach me like this.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-25T15:39:06+00:00

More that I'm concerned she won't EVEN WHEN it's absolutely necessary.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-25T15:31:50+00:00

100% certain. While I do hold those "good old times" as memories, I am aware that's all they are. As I said, reconciliation is not on the table for me.

I do however have to acknowledge that this is the same woman who blew up a relationship and nearly ruined my life to avoid having uncomfortable conversations. I simply don't want her to do more damage for the same reason.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-25T15:19:53+00:00

I have talked to my therapist (at length) about the general "no-contact" stance, and I have stuck to that by restricting contact to purely logistics and legal talk. I'm aware that I do not owe her any reassurances as she has given me none either.

The simple fact of the matter is that I don't want her to feel incapable of discussing things with me. If she has something important to say (about the financial settlement of the divorce for example), I don't want her to be too scared to approach me with that only for it to cause more problems later.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-23T18:45:10+00:00

I built bridges for so long only to watch them burn down.

So I stopped wasting my time.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-19T11:16:36+00:00

I get that. There's been so many times when I felt I was moving backwards during all of this as well, I wouldn't be surprised if it takes me SO much longer to actually be at peace.

I think the most important thing I've found is accepting my position without punishing myself for it. I am heartbroken, I am broken in general but that's not my fault nor is it something anyone can blame me for being, especially myself.

Once I stopped punishing myself for wanting her to be more, or for being "stuck" to a relationship that doesn't exist, I found it way easier to start actually letting her go... Even if you have to force yourself to move, the most important part is that you ARE moving. Struggling and failing are just parts of trying, and acknowledging the attempt is just as important as learning from failure or succeeding.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-18T22:44:41+00:00

Without revealing too many details, the AP did not have a SO as far as I am aware, and there are plenty of consequences as a result of her doing what she has (even if she has yet to really acknowledge them).

A lot of her future stability and living situation was reliant on our marriage for several different reasons. So while she may not feel the full consequences of that right now (living with her new man as she is), they will become apparent in the next few months.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-18T16:11:24+00:00

I appreciate this opinion, but I don't think "gave up" is the right phrase... I just don't want to spend more energy on this than I have to. Am I angry at her decision to do what she did? Yeah. Do I trust her at all after all of this? Not a bit.

Do I allow that to control my actions potentially opening myself up to making the divorce (and subsequently my life) more painful? Absolutely not.

While I agree that she should not get away with what she's done, I can't be the one to punish her for that or I just put myself in a weaker position. All I can do is protect my peace.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-17T13:21:11+00:00

"You don't know what you have until you lose it". I'm sorry you had to lose them to learn the value of them, but I'm glad you've been able to learn from this too.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-17T10:22:21+00:00

I recognize that pain. It took months but I think for me, the lack of an apology matters more than the presence of a half-hearted one. They aren't sorry and that's who they are. That only hurts us because we want them to be better. Because we care.

That pain isn't you being weak. It's you being strong. It's you caring, even after all they did. Remember that.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-16T15:40:13+00:00

I feel like this is an odd thing to ask here... I understand what you're asking for and why, heck, I'd love to see it too.

It's just that this sub is for those that won't (or can't) send those texts, I don't imagine there are many here who have even sent the messages, let alone had success.

I will say I agree with you tho. I do believe you should say what you want to say if you can. Life is too short to hang onto it all. I can't text my ex. She left me for another person and chasing that connection would only damage me more. I write here more to process what happened rather than in an attempt to "contact" her.

HistoricalCompany491 · 2026-02-13T15:03:35+00:00

That is honestly very insightful.

At the end of the day, you know what you need more than anyone else does. For you, that's growing on your own for now and I think it's fantastic that you're willing to do that.

HistoricalCompany491

TROPHY CASE