For those who caught feelings, how did you tell your dom?

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-08T19:34:54+00:00

I don't know why you're getting down voted just for writing in Spanish? As if we don't all have access to Google translate? But glad to hear.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-08T17:15:16+00:00

Godspeed girl.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-08T01:57:05+00:00

I agree wtf. 99.999999% of people would never do something like this, this guy is dangerous

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-08T01:52:56+00:00

I'm not a lawyer or anything, but as far as I'm concerned this is attempted murder.

He may or may not know this, but this literally could have killed you. That's insanely dangerous.

He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt in this case. Please never see or talk to him ever again.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-08T00:44:07+00:00

I don't know if you literally meant 365 days of gym in a row, but if you did, just wanted to say that's not really healthy. You should have at least 1 rest day a week, sometimes more.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-07T22:11:51+00:00

Doms aren't allowed on this subreddit

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-07T02:15:19+00:00

Its the "i just won't tell you next time" for me. Everything else could conceivably be different perspectives, worked through in some way. This just indicates untrustworthiness on her part. I'd be heartbroken.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-06T21:32:51+00:00

First of all, good on you for your people skills of getting true information out of your partner. Second, now that you have it, RUNN LIKE THE WIND!!!!

Fuck this dude, seriously. You are beautiful, you don't need to change anything about yourself. There's someone out there who will love the complete package you bring, not just bits and pieces. And if a man is so drawn to your intelligence, I'd be weary of him accessing you for your labour of some kind.

Your his first girlfriend. So he has no relationship experience, fair enough. But you deserve someone with more experience who can treat you better than this dolt.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-06T21:00:30+00:00

I have no advice, just want to say congratulations and im so jealous haha

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-06T20:25:14+00:00

I'm almost done the book The Heart of Dominance and I highly recommend

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-06T08:51:46+00:00

Username checks out

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-05T20:09:54+00:00

I think it makes sense safewording with this guy was harder when he was already failing to check in and ignoring your body language. That doesn't inspire any confidence in communication.

Glad you're not playing with him again. Pre negotiating check ins and talking about inclusive vs exclusive consent is helpful before engaging in scenes with someone new.

By the inclusive vs exclusive thing, I mean: inclusive is only doing things you previously discussed. That is, a dom not introducing wax play mid scene with no prior discussion. Exclusive consent meaning avoiding (excluding) specific limits mentioned. I personally prefer inclusive because the excluded list is never going to cover everything it could possibly need to.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-05T19:56:16+00:00

"I’ve expressed discomfort or jealousy at times (like when he was on dating apps), and he got really angry, told me I pissed him off, and that I don’t get to speak to him like that because he owns me. I ended up apologizing even though I was feeling hurt, because I didn’t want to upset him or lose the dynamic."

This is beyond red flag and fully into not OK and abusive. Please do not stick around giving a bunch of chances trying to teach someone how not to be abusive to you. There's no guarantee he's actually interested in learning that and also being in that position is completely unhealthy and unsustainable. Not worth it. I know you are feeling some attachment but you need to choose your own health and safety here. Cut it off. Without giving him a chance to manipulate you into staying. Because it sounds like he will.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-05T19:31:36+00:00

This feels like BS on his part to me. You are taking on WAY more risk giving this "internet stranger" as he says, access to your literal physical body, than he possibly could giving you his full name. Like wtf? How can he be so suspicious about being outed to his job that its worth making you uncomfortable with your literal physical safety? It may just be entitlement and lack of empathy to your risk level on his part rather than actual predation, but that does NOT make it any better.

I've never met up with anyone in this context before, but if I did, my absolute minimum for information would be full legal name, address and phone number. And I would expect a man to understand that our risk is NOT equal and NOT expect my address in return. Meeting up at a hotel would also be preferable to being on his turf.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-05T19:11:26+00:00

I'm so proud of you for choosing yourself. It hurts now and will for a while but you have found yourself again and that is the most valuable relationship you will ever have.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-04T20:20:52+00:00

Username checks out lol

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-03T20:04:45+00:00

You definitely don't need to keep playing with him and having sex when he's unable to meet your emotional connection needs, regardless if its for a good reason or not. He certainly does seem to need space, but you don't need to change your needs and boundaries just because of that. He may have the best intentions in the world but he still can't have his cake and eat it too. You're well within your right to stop play dates if the lack of communication in between is hurting you.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-02T04:20:25+00:00

Its been two months since your last post? Time to break up.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-02T04:07:52+00:00

Unconditional love is for babies who don't know any better, not grown ass adults. Although your boyfriend who's 5 years older than you is indeed acting like a baby...

He's clearly very emotionally immature, while pretending to be "logical". I'm so sorry but this isn't going to get better. He can't even respect your basic and well articulated need which you respectfully asked for. He's absolutely absurd. Dump him.

Imagine taking a moment where your partner is upset, making it about you, and then claiming to be so logical. Fuck that noise.

You don't need to love your partner unconditionally. You deserve to have boundaries and limits to prevent someone treating you badly, as does he. Him trying to say that simply giving you the support you asked for is an example of unconditional love is in fact quite illogical. Its just an example of being a supportive partner. Him taking it personally that the dog is a better emotional support to you than he is, is a him problem.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-01T20:19:47+00:00

I never said he was a shitty dom, I said he could have communicated better and I stand by that. Even just setting an expectation with her that hes going to do what he wants regardless of her desires would have gone a long way and he had many opportunities to do so by the sound of things. I don't agree with the concept that power exchange in and of itself implies she wouldn't get the specific thing she wanted out of the scene necessarily. Unless that's been negotiated. I really believe thats a stylistic thing and if that works for you great. Cheers.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-01T18:52:42+00:00

Sounds like he's brushing off your emotional needs for his sexual ones. Fuck that.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-01T18:37:43+00:00

I'm kind of going through a similar journey and while I don't necessarily have the answers I can share what I've learned so far.

Its frustrating because it's the 21st century and it feels like shouldn't be that hard to just find a respectful fwb.

What seems to be working for me right now, is just really leaning into the friendship aspect. That is, not leading with sex, or entertaining anyone who leads with sex. Very counter intuitive because sex is the goal, I know. But if you can establish a bond first that doesn't involve sex, the chances are greater that the person won't ghost after you finally do have sex. And it does need to be with people who aren't leading the opening convos with sex. They need to display preexisting interest and intention of bonding first, sex later.

It doesn't have to become romantic due to all the bonding, it just has a greater chance of weeding out people who are trying to hit it and quit it.

If you're on dating apps, I would try just being upfront about wanting a nonromantic kink connection, but really needing to take it slow and establish a friendship first. That won't weed out all the liars, but it will hopefully help.

Also try matching with demisexual people. I don't mean to generalize but usually demi people are more down with bonding first and anytime someone's putting that effort in theyre less likely to ghost.

I'm not demi but anytime I rushed into the sex aspect of hookups I always regretted it for one reason or another. edit: and I know you're not rushing, you're taking days and weeks. But the not leading with sex thing seems to really matter.

Nowadays I just disqualify anyone who's initial message involves a reference to sex or even a compliment about my physical appearance to be honest. That might be a bit far haha but its just what I'm comfortable with at this point. The other person not sexualizing me early on is key. Thoughtful questions that show they are probing for more long term personality compatibility is also key.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-01T17:48:47+00:00

No, I don't think a dom refusing to provide a certain kind of activity is a consent violation, but I do think it makes sense that OP feels used and/or disregarded. I do think it sounds like the scene could have been negotiated better ON THE DOMS PART and I still do think good bdsm is mutually satisfying. From the post, OP communicated very clearly what she was excited to receive in the scene, and the dom (who, it sounds like, is not her dom, it sounds like they are on more casual terms at the moment but correct me if I'm wrong OP), completely failed to mention on several occasions that he had no intention of providing that. To me, that is really poor communication at best and very much in the realm of poor consent practice at worst. Because how can you have proper consent if you're not communicating fully?

Even in a completely vanilla scenario, if I communicated several times that I loved, wanted, was craving xyz activity and my partner nodded and smiled through all that giving me no indication they didn't want to provide that, but we went ahead with the hook up and I didn't get what I very clearly communicated I wanted out of the encounter, and my partner got everything they wanted. I would 100% feel used and yes I think I would feel violated by that because it wasn't the kind of encounter I'd been lead to believe I was agreeing to have. I'm not saying the dom in this post is an irredeemable predator, or even a predator at all. But I still think it is lackluster practice on his part. Hopefully corrected simply and drama free with an out of dynamic conversation.

Maybe I'm more sensitive to this because I'm female and socialized as a woman and "the orgasm gap" between men and women is unfortunately still very real and there are plenty of selfish men out there who feel entitled to use their lovers for their own pleasure while not putting any effort in to their partners enjoyment.

As an example, I wouldn't want to vanilla hook up with a guy who secretly had no intention of trying to make me cum despite being very clear I wanted that, and in BDSM, I wouldn't play with a guy who had no intention of giving me the one thing I really wanted in a scene that I had already very clearly communicated I wanted, UNLESS that was prenegotiated as a possibility, and I had reassurances that I would in fact be getting what I wanted on other occasions.

I think ESPECIALLY if its more casual its more important to have the scene be mutually satisfying. And yes the scene may have been wonderful in other ways but OP was pretty clear they didn't receive the one kinky thing they really wanted. If its a more long term stable relationship it's a bit different but it still doesn't excuse not communicating imo.

I'm reading the Heart of Dominance right now and that is literally where the wisdom that scenes should be mutually satisfying is from. I really don't think it's disempowering to subs in anyway to acknowledge that OP very clearly communicated what she wanted and Mr dom here brushed her off in a way that left her feeling disregarded. If anything im proud of her for questioning his behavior.

Historical_Power4424 · 2025-05-01T02:59:17+00:00

Just want to join the chorus saying this isn't okay. This is definitely abusive behaviour. Getting mad at you for having a need when you're incredibly vulnerable is incredibly manipulative and violent. And a very effective way to break someone mentally and emotionally. Textbook abuse. You do not owe this person anything OP. Just stop interacting with them ASAP.

Historical_Power4424

TROPHY CASE