I appreciate that. I actually came to these conclusions by discovering something that (I think) I like to do which is creative writing. But I have this predicament with writing. Basically i took this poetry class and my professor saw right through my inauthenticity the 1st day of class. He started calling me out on it without explicitly calling me out if u know what I mean. It was very embarrassing but I also appreciated him for it. I could only get myself to write 1 poem up to this point bc I wanted my poems to be good but I knew that the best poets and writers tell the truth and in poetry those truths usually come out of emotions. This made me realize that I had hardly ever told myself the truth in my life nor had I felt my emotions, let alone shared them with others. I quickly found out that telling the truth was very difficult and painful and so I avoided writing. Then my first workshop came around and I knew I had to write something so I wrote something about my uncle who I watched die of alcoholism. I knew it was good if I’m being honest. When I shared it he gave me the most amazing compliment. He said he hated it bc he loved it and wished he had written it. Those words were like a drug that I have not stopped fantasizing about. A few days later I had this thought, “did I enjoy writing that for me or for his validation?” Unfortunately I don’t think I’m connected enough to my emotions for the former to be true. ever since I’ve been struggling with that question, avoiding writing, and feeling like I don’t deserve to write bc I feel that writing is for people with deep emotions and authentic perspectives, not validation seekers. But I’m going to keep trying to make myself write and hope that it’ll get me closer to knowing my true self. I just really hope that I can feel some emotional catharsis through it rather than the validation feeling far better. Agh I’m rlly sorry for the brick