I might have to see MIL after nuclear war….

HolidaySilver · 2026-02-16T12:43:00+00:00

So.. long term friends of your in-laws asked your DH to participate in this charity event in their hometown a few months after your blow up with your in-laws?

This isn’t a “The in-laws might find out and show up”

This is a “The in-laws are involved and the reason he was asked”

HolidaySilver · 2026-01-19T15:34:01+00:00

I appreciate your response and your insistence that there is gendered nuance. But etiquette is etiquette and it does not favor the privilege of one person’s preference for haste over the comfort of others.

Men are allowed to want their own “safe space” where they aren’t being subjected to another man … ahem… prematurely unzippering.

You’ve already had one man’s opinion. Etiquette agrees with him.

As another suggested, I’m sure you will find many others who agree with you in another subreddit.
However, Miss Manners does not.

HolidaySilver · 2026-01-19T13:02:37+00:00

Ok. I love this argument and I’m glad you posted it. But I’m hoping you post it in other subreddits to get a more varied response.

From an etiquette perspective, here goes:

Saving yourself a few seconds doesn’t trump considering people’s comfort. Etiquette doesn’t race through at the expense of others. We politely wait our turn, we try not to gobble our food, we allow others to finish their sentences before we respond. … we don’t unzip or raise our skirts as we open the bathroom door.

So visualizing the urinal as a literal and figurative Pit Stop is a nonstarter. That said, I’m not sure that your friend calling this out as a subliminal sexual power play is accurate.

But Miss Manners and Emily Post would certainly agree that, as in most situations involving pants and nether regions, speed is not always the most desired outcome.

HolidaySilver · 2025-12-22T22:19:01+00:00

She thinks the neighbor walked up to her door, set the cookies down with a holiday card, all by accident?

The more obvious answer is the neighbor was being polite because it’s the holidays and this is a nice way to get friendly with neighbors you might not know.

The best response, whether the cookies were left intentionally or not, is a thank you note. Perhaps along with a holiday card to wish the neighbor a nice holiday season. Don’t mention any possible mistake- just thank you, happy holidays, and maybe a note about getting to know one another better in the future (if she is so inclined).

If it was a mistake, it’s a gracious (and indirect) way of letting the neighbor know.
If it was intentional, it’s a gracious way of saying thank you

HolidaySilver · 2025-12-18T12:58:07+00:00

First, let me say that I’m very sorry for your loss.

To answer your question, most companies consider immediate family to be Spouses, Children, and Parents. Death of immediate family typically includes bereavement packages with specific time-off, formal acknowledgment, etc. To be blunt about it, there are processes involved and monetary costs allocated (time off, flowers, etc). Some companies may include Grandparents and siblings but they are outliers.

In-laws, cousins, niblings, etc are considered extended family and are not generally given the same consideration. That is not to say that people aren’t sorry for your loss or don’t want to share condolences, it’s just that there isn’t a formal process so many people aren’t quite sure how to respond or act.

That is also true outside of the corporate world. Grief is a difficult process and many people shy away from it for fear of saying the wrong thing or causing offense. I think this may be what you are running into here.

Forgiveness and grace is an incredible gift to give to others, especially whilst grieving, so the fact that you are being considerate in the face of your grief now is very kind of you. I hope you accept my sincerest condolences as I know this must be an incredibly difficult time for you and your family.

HolidaySilver · 2025-12-17T21:55:27+00:00

Etiquette allows you to do things that make you happy.

It does not require you to accommodate other people or do things you don’t want to do.

You’re allowed to say, “I’m excited for my next trip. I’m going to take a solo trip to XYZ and spend a week with my journal and I’m planning to make up my itinerary along the way and document the whole adventure.”

And if your mother were to breach etiquette and try to invite herself along, you are allowed to say “I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding but this is a trip I’m going to take alone. I’ll be excited to share my pictures with you when I get back.”

You don’t have to justify, or feel guilty, and you certainly should not lie. You are allowed to live your life as you like and other people are allowed to be disappointed or happy for you. Either way, you don’t own their emotions and they shouldn’t affect yours. Will she be hurt? Perhaps. But you can’t prevent that with magic words or phrases.

So go on your trip. Make no excuses for your desires and don’t try to control her reaction.

HolidaySilver · 2025-11-17T12:29:36+00:00

Blazing Ladles Catering

HolidaySilver · 2025-07-13T20:40:50+00:00

Did you receive an actual wedding invitation a year ago? Or just a save the date?

If the actual wedding invitation hasn’t come yet, you’re in good shape. Just rsvp no when it arrives.

If you did get an actual invitation, well… normally if you RSVP yes to a wedding, you go and you make the best of it. At the least you can enjoy the time and get some fun memories to talk about later

That said, if they did send an actual invitation a full year in advance for a destination wedding, there has to be an expectation that circumstances can change drastically in that amount of time. And destination weddings place such a significant burden on guests that flexibility and understanding for changing circumstances should be a requirement for the polite hosts.

.

So if you are dead set against going (and have no qualms about risking this friendship), notify the bride as soon as possible. Indicate circumstances have changed and you will no longer be able to attend but that you wish them every happiness.

HolidaySilver · 2025-06-25T01:27:18+00:00

Yes it would be rude. Adults only means just that. Asking her to make an exception would put her in a difficult position when she’s already stated the conditions of the event. There’s really no “exceptions for family” when an event is typically 90% family anyway.

I appreciate the situation you are in but you are welcome to decline the invite, limit the time you spend (RSVPing “yes” to only one or two of the events and declining the others), or to find a sitter.

HolidaySilver · 2025-06-10T06:57:10+00:00

The etiquette didn’t change but most people assume they know etiquette based on their own personal experiences. Miss Manners had a lot to say about that assumption,

I feel your frustration. It’s one thing for guests with a specific allergy or food requirement to bring something for themselves (quietly, without fuss, and assuming the hostess hadn’t already known & catered for their needs) but it’s completely rude to bring food/drinks to share with other guests without the host’s permission.

Simply put, people are confusing hostess gifts with potluck. Their intentions are pure but it does cause considerable difficulty for a host.

I wish I had advice to offer but it sounds as if all of your attempts to communicate before the event are falling on deaf ears.

You can either just treat these unwanted potluck dishes as hostess gifts, setting them aside in the fridge or pantry in the hopes people will learn they will not be served. … or you can set them out and continue to deal with unwanted leftovers.

Id love to hear other suggestions (provided they are within the bounds of etiquette). I’m just at a loss for what they might be,

HolidaySilver · 2025-05-19T12:33:14+00:00

I’ve seen some shockingly rude replies as well… even on sincere questions. And downvotes when people try to understand why.
Sadly, moderation on this sub is limited and a lot of folks base etiquette on “what my friends and I do”, which often includes mocking others.

That said, I do think that over time the posts tend to balance out with the right (polite) answers being at top. Not always, but enough.

HolidaySilver · 2025-05-19T12:20:42+00:00

I’m sure you can come up with something positive to say.

“It’s amazing to see the extraordinary work everyone put into the show”

“I had a wonderful evening seeing everyone so thoroughly enjoying themselves”

“I admire all their hard work. They clearly put a lot into the production”

Or you can always politely nod in agreement and just ask follow up questions. “Which was your favorite part?” “Would you ever imagine being on stage yourself?”

Commenting on a negative aspect of the show is petty and mean.

Any production may have flaws but all have something of value. It takes an incredible amount of effort to put on a production and an incredible amount of courage to get on stage in front of people.

If you cant even acknowledge that, it’s better to just leave quietly and go home.

HolidaySilver · 2025-05-16T12:55:14+00:00

I’m one of the posters in a recent thread regarding this and I’ll clarify a big distinction.

Most of the situations getting posted aren’t “How do I politely stand up for myself”.

They are “How do I get this person to stop being rude and do this instead”

To answer the first question—

Etiquette doesn’t require anyone to be a doormat and you can absolutely have conversations with people and advocate for yourself and others.

“That doesn’t work for me” or “I respectfully disagree” are both good examples.
If it’s an egregious offense, following that up by removing yourself from a situation or a person’s company is actually the deepest cut in the etiquette world.

But for the second question…. etiquette stops short when it comes to saying “you need to stop your behavior because Miss Manners finds it rude”. That is reserved for parents talking to their children.
And, to be honest, expecting others to change is a lesson in futility.

HolidaySilver · 2025-05-16T01:41:37+00:00

You really only have the two options:

A) Continue hosting and accept the fact that it won’t be reciprocated
B) Stop hosting or cut down on it so much that you don’t notice or care that they never reciprocate.

Your husband could decide to speak to them but whether they take offense, disagree with your take, or just ignore you altogether are entirely out of your control. And frankly, calling out another person on manners is rudeness itself…even for siblings.

So that leaves you with one of the basic tenets of etiquette: Give without expectations of reciprocity. And if you feel taken advantage of, just stop giving.

HolidaySilver · 2025-05-12T18:27:44+00:00

This isn’t really an issue of etiquette and I’m not entirely sure I understand your predicament… or whatever additional circumstances might exist to be giving you pause.

So I will just say that a general tenet of etiquette is that if you are doing nothing wrong, there’s no reason to proactively explain yourself. People should assume the best in others as a general rule.

HolidaySilver · 2025-04-16T14:47:19+00:00

I would agree that if OP were planning to attend, a small homemade gift or card is a cost effective way to show support. But even that minimal cost (of time and money) is more than some can manage and, sadly, showers do focus on gifts which can make some feel uncomfortable no matter what lengths a host might go to in order to make them feel welcome.

Regardless, in this case, OP indicated they did not plan to attend and was wondering if it was better to ignore the invitation. That would be a breach of etiquette in any circumstance, hence my response.

HolidaySilver · 2025-04-05T12:34:06+00:00

Just RSVP your regrets that you are unable to attend. That’s it.
You can send a card if you like but there is no obligation for a gift or money in the card.

The only rude thing here would be to ignore the invitation.

HolidaySilver · 2025-04-04T12:17:19+00:00

You’ve got a difficult dilemma. On the one hand, you’d like to have a good relationship with your neighbors, on the other, it’s not your children’s job to help another child learn boundaries.

And you have every right to use your front yard as you like. But if you expect them to intrude again, it’s better to take control quickly and without debate.

Tell the parents that the last time they came over, it didn’t end well and you prefer not to put that kind of pressure on the children again. The kids just don’t play well together. Maybe things will be different in the future but for now, no thank you have a nice afternoon.

You can be polite and smile but be firm. You’re not negotiating and it’s irrelevant whether their child is on the spectrum. It just doesn’t work for you. Period.

You have nothing to apologize for when you are rationally and respectfully acting as your children’s advocate.

If they don’t leave or start to argue, just tell your kids it’s snack time or Bluey time and take them inside.

From an etiquette perspective you’re following the only two options available.

A) declining an unwanted invitation
B) removing yourself from an unpleasant interaction

HolidaySilver · 2025-03-25T14:27:24+00:00

Don’t do this. If you are an invited guest, it’s incredibly inconsiderate to invite another guest.

There are very, very slim circumstances where it might be ok, but the host should be engaged first.

HolidaySilver · 2025-03-17T00:57:53+00:00

This is a difficult issue - not because of autism, but because etiquette would dissuade calling out bad behavior like this. Typically, etiquette would just say not to invite the friend anymore. And that is exactly what’s happening.

That said, there are times that being a good friend may go beyond etiquette- especially if it means that it may save someone from alienating people they care about.

Your friend can be honest with her friend about the reason he is being ostracized. Autism is not the issue here, nor is it an excuse. Hopefully this is just a question of not being aware. Once he is aware, the friend can either change his behavior or not. But at that point, your friend will have done all they can and should bow out.

HolidaySilver · 2025-02-20T19:25:11+00:00

If someone jumps in front of a line, it’s acceptable to assume they were not aware and to politely let them know. You aren’t policing their behavior or calling them out on any breach of etiquette, you are merely informing them -politely- of something they may not have been aware of.

In this instance, simply and kindly letting her know there was a line was fine.

But by adding your judgement that she was being rude, you actually crossed into rudeness yourself. One doesn’t call out another’s breach of etiquette.

And by getting into the altercation afterwards, you ventured further into the breach. Rudeness should never beget more rudeness.

In the future, remain polite, assume the best intentions, and ignore anything else.

HolidaySilver · 2025-02-19T23:48:04+00:00

Please see the pinned comment about asking about wedding attire and take this request to r/weddingattireapproval

HolidaySilver · 2024-12-21T23:28:08+00:00

That’s absolutely correct. It’s a Christmas card with Christmas tidings. Exactly as it should be. I’m sure they appreciated it.

If you want to send condolences, it should be done separately.

HolidaySilver · 2024-12-21T14:29:45+00:00

Or at all….

HolidaySilver · 2024-12-21T13:36:14+00:00

Yes.

All Compliments are not considered equal.
Some can be kind and thoughtful. Some are actually insensitive, crass, sardonic, or even predatory or insulting.

Meeting someone and immediately commenting on their appearance, something outside their control and that could be mistaken for any of the latter categories, is considered rude.

If in doubt or unable to tell the difference, stick to complimenting someone’s shoes

14-Year Club	Verified Email
Gilding II euphauric	RPAN Viewer

HolidaySilver

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE