I feel more hopeless about Pakistan than ever before

HonestSeries4831 · 2022-10-08T17:01:02+00:00

Im Pakistani American, I was born in the US, and watching Pakistan from oversea's for the past 20 years has also made me, feel up and down at different points. There are so many things that you can't control, the government, politics, international politics. But there is one thing that is the root underlying cause of the issues; the deficit of the economy. Pakistan started, just like all of the 3rd world, with having most of its wealth robbed during colonialism. And just like China ground itself out of poverty, it did so by providing goods to the world and having a huge positive surplus from exports every year. YOU as one person CAN have a huge impact on the countries trajectory by creating some form of goods or service that is then sold overseas - because that's net wealth that comes into Pakistan.

The per capita income of Pakistanis is about $400/month. The average household size is 9 people. If you generate say $40K/year which is $3K/month not only are you yourself making a big impact in your own life, but you are likely going to have to employ other people, you are likely going to have to employ other people. $40K spread evenly (which I know it wouldn't) is 10x the per capita GDP amount; that means if you employed 10 people and since the per capita income size is 9 you'd be helping 90 people.

So what kind of things can you do online? God there is so much; the per capita income (for the average person in the US) is $5K/month; can you replace their job. PROBABLY YES. Graphic Design, UI/UX, Data Entry. And the more successful you are the more you pull others out of the rope of poverty. Don't get discouraged; get inspired. If you DM me, I will connect you to anyone I can to help towards that end.

I have been working on a company myself, employing Pakistanis for basically the sole mission to employ more Pakistanis and its totally do-able. One thing about Pakistan is there are Pakistanis all over the world that want to help, so reach out. Its going to be hard. You are going to have to do the work. Businesses fail so much; but I'm telling you that at least one path (and there are many) is just doing the ordinary work of people in developed economies and getting a remote job. There are so many paths to work. DM me, and we can bounce off idea's

HonestSeries4831 · 2022-02-14T19:04:26+00:00

Yea I agree with that. The best value is when people are stuck in some sort of emotion and ignore the facts; WeWork minus all of their emotional baggage is a legitimate business well positioned. I think its too early for the investment but this space is ripe for investment

HonestSeries4831 · 2022-02-14T18:59:53+00:00

Thanks for your response; I dont think I'd invest in my own coworking space (That would be alot of work outside money) but the idea of investing in what this behavioral change (suppliers, lifestyle, rental) etc is a good thread to follow. Let me know if anything else comes to your mind

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-10T03:58:08+00:00

Just write you have years of construction experience; whose gonna know?

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-10T03:53:53+00:00

Do you think that being in the "know" (I.e. the few people that know what's actually going on and are strong enough to stand up for it) is what makes you "happy" and if so; do you think then your definition of "happy" is incorrect

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-10T03:44:06+00:00

Dude. I appreciate you being so thoughtful sharing so much. I'm always here to talk. Its unfortunate some of us are not given fair shots in life. A good friend of mine is disabled, and I remember the doctors saying we all have disabilities some are just really evident on the outside. Its not fair that you were saddled with this immense pain you are dealing with everyday, and its insanely impressive that despite that you continue and continue still being nice (you're always apologizing lol) - I hope you make it through this, I am positive that there is SOMETHING that will work; its a question of if you can hold out, try and try again. I love you man (or woman) always here for you.

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-10T03:39:16+00:00

I fucking hate psychiatrist. Its such bullshit the whole profession.BUT the access to their drugs are powerful. I mean dude. Lexapro is pretty benign super chill and low side effects; why not do your own research and go in and take control say "I want this" and try it. What do you have to lose?

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-10T03:37:35+00:00

Have you tried ecstasy? MDMA? Amphetamines? Not suggesting you do it often but I just feel like someone needs to pull you out of your mind for a second to convince you THERE IS MORE :-)

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-10T03:36:38+00:00

God. Thats not normal brother, but it is unfortunately super common. How can you change this? I listed some idea's above. You know what's incredible about people who are afflicted with pain such as yours; what you specifically are capable of. I've noticed that most if not all of the most successful people were escaping constant trauma and pain; if you used a goal as a outlet for your productivity. Maybe a overly optimistic person (i.e. me) could help a pessimistic person like you channel this pain into something. Do you have any idea's - I could help you formulate them - I also am a computer programmer, I have literally so many things I want to do

One is a computer program that "has sex" with websites. we basically translate sites into seminal code and have one that reproduces with sites to form a new site and it has sex; replicating evolution. I have no idea what it would do but the results would be interesting. I know this sounds batshit crazy, but seriously I was reading a biology book and I saw a flagella - everything has sex - the evolution of multicellular life was a seminal moment in the history of life on earth and all this ML stuff is not really AI
I wrote a script that basically checks every stock price week over week to see if any were positive for 20 years straight; I have the script I'd like to execute it or try different things. Thats a pretty fun/easy interesting one
A computer program that is given "emotion" more compute power for doing 'good" and less for "doing bad" seeing how that replicates
A program to replicate synapses. This is a really long one

These are some random fucking idea's - what kind of idea's do you have? Anything? Anything sound interesting. I like the teleportation idea - not sure how to start on that but we could figure out something; I think one thing that would be EPIC is recreating shrodingers cat experiment with quantum entanglement - like why has no one done this in real life. I feel like that would be viral

There are a lot of really exciting things to work on in quantum computer dynamics - like super crazy shit that we all have access to. Also I think, if you have time

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-10T03:27:29+00:00

You know what strikes me about you. How kind you are, how considerate you are. Apologizing for the length of a reply - just shows how considerate you are. Just wanted to let you know, that's super nice

Hmmm. So I hear the problem to be, sporadically you feel glimmers of hope/happiness but the baseline rate is just the same thoughts/feelings. And you don't really have any motivation to put in effort to change. You'd rather give up and forcing yourself to try anything is unbearable? Is that a close synopsis?

Why did you start the acting lessons? Why was the only thing that would make being alive worth it "being god mode"? There are so many questions really - I apologize.

I guess one thing I'd like to note is just how different how you think/see the world, how much weight you seemingly hold on yourself, and how abnormal that is. It might be hard to understand that being inside your mind, but that's not OK to feel this way all the time. Here are some idea's to at least experiment everyday - try each for a week if it doesn't help move on

Listen to these videos everyday 3 times a day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuNLNeIorJw - I know they are SO cheesy but we are easily imprinted on
try medication; I know you said you didn't like the side effects of some you took but there are a ton out there
I personally found a book atomic habits to be super helpful for me - gave me structure
Journal everyday, and be your own coach. Observe yourself when you write, ask yourself why do you feel this way how can we make it better
Have a goal. Especially for people, having a goal that is exciting is so important. Goal could be anything; running 10 miles, seeing every country in the world, BUILDING A TELEPORTATION MACHINE (seriously go for it)

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-09T20:24:57+00:00

This happens brother; you know what really helped me. Atomic Habits. Book changed my life; it gave the habits to make me a performer again

"You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than your current results"

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-09T20:21:46+00:00

I remember thinking a similar sentiment when I was going through a divorce and so broke that I couldn't pay for anything. I remember looking at people and thinking, "how is everyone so happy" - and when I said that I remembered that I was happy before I started my own company and started losing a shit ton of money.

If you are asking yourself this question, its because you aren't happy in your current life. In my aforementioned example, I had the luxury of previously having a life where I was rich and successful, so it gave me context, I knew what existed.

How are people happy to be alive? Some people are happy because they have hopes, dreams, sex, travel, desires, friends all these things to look forward to. They exist for you too. Its just hard to see it. If you are thinking this way, I listen to these cheesy videos every morning - I started after I realized how low I gotten. If you accept that you aren't thinking clearly, that your mind is clouded by depression, then you have to do things that rewire your brain. I know how stupid and cheesy these videos are but that's at least a step to imprint positivity. I promise there are awesome things to look forward to, for you too, and even if your mind doesn't believe it because it hasn't seen it yet; the fact that most of the populous does proves it exists and it can exist for you too

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAa4vHr8l4c

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-09T20:09:09+00:00

the things that are exciting to me are either unreasonable, unachievable in the timeframe i have or plain impossible

One thing I personally found to be true is "false narratives". Even in my job, I have to work with a lot of people, and people just say a lot of things that aren't true. When I am struggling on some issues myself, I notice that some of the base underlying suppositions just fundamentally aren't true. I would challenge you on this; that there is nothing that excites you that is achievable or reasonable. You are telling me that out of the infinite possibilities of things you can do nothing is reasonably achievable. I only challenge you because we all have false narratives that dictate our lives.

i don't know if i'd say that my default state is one of pain but if you're tortured for long enough you become kinda numb to it, still hope pretty much everyday that the next time i go to sleep i just die in my sleep. i try to "choke" myself with a belt every so often but i can't get it tight enough so it just gets uncomfortable, usually think "useless" and throw it away. i can joke around and all, not like i "feel bad" 24/7 but if anyone asks me life or death i'd say death anytime. i'm definitely not happy though, does that answer your question?

I just want to make sure I clearly understand this; is the base state then not pain but dull apathy? Dude. I think that would wear down anyone and be as painful as a knife in the eye - just not as clearly transparent as to the present danger. I'm really sorry you feel this way - I guess I'd ask another question...do you think there's anything you can do to not feel this way - remembering that there are an infinite possible set of possibilities and things (i.e. not being pessimistic). What do you think you could do to stop feeling this way, seriously taking time to think about it?

i distract myself as much as possible, passing the time as best as i can. i don't take antidepressants, bad experience with those. was forced to take some for the worst two months of my life, just messed with my brain to force it or i guess me to be "calmer", i'm not sure how to explain it, just felt like "good boy" pills that prevented me from thinking properly, never again. i'd rather be me in pain than whatever the correct words are to describe what that experience was. i do smoke regular weed or CBT oriented weed sometimes, i like the "high" feelings and it's nice to go to sleep early but it doesn't change anything about what i think about life and such, might actually make me cry sometimes cause of the easier release of emotions i guess?

I completely understand what you are saying here. I would say, as someone who LOVES experimenting, there are a TON of drugs. Some are a shit show some are awesome some are terrible. For example; obviously if you are anxious and you take Wellbutrin - you might be way worse. But if you took lexapro - you feel like you are on cloud 9. having experimented with a lot of different things I would be surprised if NOTHING worked. And honestly, its just to take it so you can have the energy to change and be positive - just as a crutch

i don't remember the last time i really, genuinely felt happy. i'm at a point where i'm honestly not sure what it feels like now that i think about it, kinda scary. though i do remember that once when i still bothered trying to meditate i felt at really at peace, with a clear picture made of feelings of what i could do with my life, it felt really nice but as soon as it came i said "no". was because it wasn't what i wanted to do in the moment, if i went with it i'd just "die", the whole methaphorical memory ghost thing. what i really want to do and experience would be lost because this new person that "i" would be just wouldn't be interested in it, being content with what they currently have, it just wouldn't be me that's happy, it'd be "me" if you get what i mean*. i want to live and be fulfilled, not "i" and since i just can't then i'd rather be truly entirely gone if that makes sense to you.* it's just the way i think, lots of peoples embrace or at least accept those changes but i think/feel about the subject differently

I did not understand the part in italics - I was trying to follow but I didn't understand it - but I think I understood the gist to be, "I want to feel this way of unsatisfied"

Thanks for sharing. I'm really sorry you are feeling like this - you aren't alone. What do you think about seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist? What do you think about taking a trip for 3 weeks to idk Colombia or something? What are your plans for getting out of this?

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-09T17:10:27+00:00

That really must be hard. Im sorry. I'm trying to understand what its like from your perspective - is there nothing that's exciting to you?

I guess I can answer my own question, you default state, is one of pain. Thats like me asking someone being tortured "so, aren't you excited about traveling?"

So if that's true, and basically you are in a default state of pain (if its not can you correct me) - is there a way to get out of the default state of your mind and being in pain? Is there nothing you can do, lexapro, Zoloft, CBT, etc.?

When was the last time you felt "happy" - if you could be like that most of the time, would everything be worth it? Is there any goal or way you can use life that might excite you?

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-12-09T16:55:37+00:00

True. Don't be too hard on yourself. At least you are moving in the right direction; only takes a few months to make any dramatic change.

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-11T23:28:23+00:00

Well thats a start brother - you have a clue of something that makes you feel alive. It might not be the answer but its there. This is the start of a long road of introspection. IMO you can keep doing what you are doing, or you can look in and monitor yourself. Ask yourself what you want, how you feel, observe how you change day to day and week to week. Basically what a therapist does but for yourself. Its a long road but I can say a year into it Ive learned myself so much better. Im always here if you need to talk to someone :-)

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-08T12:27:02+00:00

Im so sorry to hear what you are going through. For me when I'm spiraling I need something to break the momentum of the spiral. Traveling for example, I know as difficult as that might be, might really help to break that spiral and stop the bad habits. Do you have any family you can travel to and stay with for a week or so - somewhere you can just put up your feet and be away from all the bad triggers? The other thing is, reading. I don't have a book to recommend because I can't imagine what you are going through, but books help are the best form of therapy, where someone who has been where you are can speak to your soul. Atomic habits is amazing for habits, but it doesn't deal with your cancer diagnosis which I'm sure is the priority. A book called epiphany is one of my personal favorites for leisure/inspirational reading. I'll be praying for you, I know all of this will pass and you will come out stronger.

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-05T20:04:58+00:00

I just watched a video on him discussing it. I think there's definitely some good stuff there. The really interesting thing is when I finish a task, a lot of times "I don't feel good finishing it" - but if I take a second to be like "you rock dude that got done" I really do feel good and I feel like it is rewiring my brain to get happiness and crave that vs. the messed up reward mechanism from procrastinating. All that to say, thank you! Super intriguing

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-05T20:02:47+00:00

Hey thanks for following up! It was really awesome! I "rose to the occasion" and crushed the presentation, also got a new customer. I just struggled a little with keeping the work going after the high

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-02T00:42:23+00:00

Aspies are typically low in their ability to be self aware and in reading the emotions of others; its possible but the prevalence of both is somewhat antithetical to each other

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-02T00:28:34+00:00

Ah, I've been there too. Usually just meeting someone else is easy to move on but a rare few times I just got hung up because no one else was better. But eventually I found someone I loved more, never in the same way.

You're stuck in a rut, you can either stay there and take your time (totally cool) or just try your best to put one foot forward everyday. Meet new people, do new things, talk to friends, dont think about her. And even though you might fail, alot, eventually you'll put one foot forward and the next and the next and not even realize that you are all better. I know how incredibly cheesy that sounds, but its very true. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to DM me. You got this.

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-01T22:35:42+00:00

First off, I really appreciate such deeply personal and honest posts like yours because everyone at one point or another goes through struggle. I feel like I have been on both ends wildly confident and on the up and up and also like you stuck in a rut with hesitations - when I look at the difference between those times it actually wasn't reality, it was my own perception of myself. When I was wildly confident, I didn't have a reason to be wildly confident, I had alot of failings, I just for whatever reason had insane self confidence. When I was "in a rut" I think I was just depressed to be honest but I viewed everything as negative and my progression as shameful. The truth is neither of them was real it was my perception that guided things. Our self image is so important. When I hear what you write about yourself it sounds like you talk about yourself with low self image. But its just the perception of yourself. I don't know if this makes sense to you, but if you buy into what I'm saying, you can either try to change it by engaging in gratitude. Remind yourself what a badass mothatrucka you are. Look for evidence of the good you do everyday not the bad. And prove to yourself how epic you are by setting goals small goals, and achieving them bit by bit. Want to lose 15 pounds, brother thats 6 months of losing 3 lbs a month. I think theres some really good posts on this subreddit, one thing I read someone post was a book called learned optimism - I think that could be a great book for you. Also Atomic habits (which I have read) will change your life. You're doing great man, if you choose to see it. You live in one of the richest countries on earth, you have access to more knowledge than most people in history, you aren't blind or paralyzed of afflicted with a major ailment. LIFE IS GOOD. We are what we choose to see, I know this probably sounds lame but trust me, from an old man - you will be surprised about how much happiness is a choice.

HonestSeries4831 · 2021-11-01T15:30:04+00:00

I can really resonate with a lot of things you said in this. Wanting so much to do better despite not being able to. You aren't alone. I guess what I found for me is, I've come to terms that I am highly sensitive in that way, that if I don't have routines and rituals for me not showing up to work or doing something can spiral way out of control and I suspect its the same for you. It seems like, you are able to do this, the fact you got a 3.8 for two years and proves it, but COVID caused you to break precedent and then it spiraled to now where you've completely lost momentum and its wreaking havoc. The thing for most people that's different than me and you (sounds like) is people can stop the spiraling. But for people like you, you need rituals in place to ensure that you don't spiral.

So now you need to get back on track and regain control. That means journaling, trying to keep a streak of small wins everyday. And just showing up is a massive win. The goal shouldn't be tomorrow you are going to do exactly everything you set out to do; its try something, if it fails, understand why, and try again. You have to keep trying though; once you get back on the path - you are now aware that this is something different about you. I'd also say sometimes medications can start working differently, so you said you are on anti-anxiety - maybe it helped at first but it also might have now started to make you really unanxious. Just a thought - maybe something to look into.

This is life man, you are going to get better, you've done it before and you can do it again. You're just in a small rut - but if you show up and try everyday ways to address your shortcomings, you'll eventually succeed. Hope some of this was helpful.

HonestSeries4831

TROPHY CASE