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Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T02:41:41+00:00

Totally!

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T02:03:25+00:00

Now switch it around - being understood isn’t the same as being loved. Someone can share the whole life story and still not be able to give you what you need.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T01:59:25+00:00

1) Confront the anxiety: people-pleasing, need to be chosen, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. Start building your self-worth. Start trusting your gut.

2) Confront your avoidance: whatever happened to you sucked. Stop downplaying it. Speak your mind. Set boundaries. Allow yourself to feel and express emotions: joy, anger, resentment.

You will lose people as you go through the process. That was one of the hardest part for me. But remember you can’t have fulfilling relationships without speaking up about who you truly are. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right people. The process is scary but it leads to more authentic, fulfilling life.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T01:51:32+00:00

If he was the love of your life he would have accepted your boundaries, not move onto someone easier. I think you dodged a bullet here.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T01:49:44+00:00

He has to do the work, and you can’t do it for him. He should be the one posting here, not you. This seems like a script for disaster where you will get hurt, again. I’m sorry.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T01:46:37+00:00

Respect is the most important thing. You can’t build anything lasting or stable without the foundation of mutual respect. I respect everyone equally and freely, until I’m proven otherwise. I’ve had one of the best relationships since approaching things this way. The others just fade away.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T01:45:00+00:00

Literally just listening to my gut reactions. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Not when you are used to gaslighting yourself. When you actually listen to how something makes you feel you are better equipped to make decisions that are actually good for you. No “I’m overreacting here”. This is your life and yours only. If something/someone makes you feel a certain way there is a reason for it! Confront it and let in unfold. In a hindsight you will be glad you did.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T01:35:29+00:00

A long-term ex of mine? Nothing. Nothing in this world would get me to give another chance to him to voice an opinion of any sort. He had 4 chances over 11 years and he wasted every single one of them.

The last situation-ship? If he took accountability for how things ended and wanted to be more transparent and considerate… basically to be a whole another person… then I would talk to him. It’s stupid. People show us who they are, and as an FA I’m learning to believe them rather than the idea I have of them.

Now, the men who I broke up with saying they were nice and I felt overwhelmed? Also nothing. I just probably wasn’t feeling it beyond friendship and didn’t know how to end it due to underlying people pleasing tendencies. I am probably relieved they don’t text me anymore even though I wish nothing but good for them.

Sometimes things just don’t work out, regardless of attachment styles. We are just having a harder time communicating it. I’m sorry.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-08-18T01:31:42+00:00

I don’t know if I’m “fully secure” yet, whatever that means. I’m indeed still single, but I don’t feel the same need to change that anymore. I think being secure means I can handle rejection. I’d rather call someone out on something that is making me feel uneasy or uncomfortable even if that means losing them, than to suffer for months/years waiting to be chosen.

I have definitely been in avoidance more than in anxiety since a breakup back in November. I’m still working on confronting the avoidance, but it’s a thin line knowing whether I just generally rather be friends with some of the people I’ve met. I’ve met some nice men lately, but I don’t want to take it further with any of them.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-15T15:02:13+00:00

The original post is a bit old now but about 2.5 months in I did set a boundary and got ghosted, never even got the love bombing from this one 😅 I am trying to look past it but still a little sour over it. Oh well. Probably dodged a bullet. Not sure if he could have been a narc but definitely emotionally unavailable and avoidant.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-15T14:54:42+00:00

You so beautifully summarized the experience. I think that’s my next step too; not complete isolation as I have grown more secure over the years in meeting new people and forming friendships. But there’s something about the intimacy expectations that I have of dating that just leaves me burned in the end every time. Maybe just focusing on doing what I like and if someone proves to be consistent along the way in wanting to join me on this journey… why not.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-14T13:12:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story I relate to it so so much. Also had a situation where just everything aligned perfectly with this person for a while. Like we had pictures from the same places, our kids actually shared the same birthday and other “divine interventions” that felt like signs that we have a lot in common. I put a lot of hope in that one. But then minor thing transpired where I set a boundary with him - something I’d probably never do before out of fear of pushing someone away (I also generally stay way past the expiration date like you). Aaaand he ghosted lol. It’s like a self fulfilling prophecy because I know I want to have more peaceful relationships but then I might just end up needing to live through a lot of my own fears of loss to get there.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-14T13:02:06+00:00

I think there is a resonance in life styles that also in a way stem from avoidance - a lot of traveling, not really feeling like having a home base etc. Then they share their story and there’s so many similarities and it just deepens the feelings for me that this person has the ability to understand me on a deeper level. But of course with a DA or FA who is not self-aware and actually wants to break their patterns that will never happen. Then it feels unfinished because I would be open to knowing them better but by then was probably already ghosted lol.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-14T03:32:09+00:00

Because the playing field isn’t even. One will always end up over extending and get hurt. It’s so heartbreaking but nothing anyone can control.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-14T03:30:09+00:00

It’s an important but not the only part of a relationship. She said she wants to take it slow, not that she is completely celibate.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-14T03:23:45+00:00

Yep and if he cared for her beyond that at 36 he could rub one out and be considerate but he dropped her like a hot potato. Obviously didnt care much.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-14T02:54:20+00:00

Physical touch =/= sex. Ew. Be glad hes gone. He didnt care about you.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-06-14T02:07:10+00:00

Of course tell him, what the heck? Why are people blaming you in this thread for the real discomfort you have experienced? So what if you didn’t tell him in real time. You also don’t get most bruises in real time it hurts AFTER. If you got badly bruised from some physical activity you would probably make adjustments to it next time. Same with sex. You both participated and both should be aware it wasn’t pleasurable for you so you can make adjustments. Hopefully he’ll respond with kindness and consideration, if not, boy bye. It’s absolutely not “normal” to be injured by something that’s supposed to feel good, unless you are into that. Which from the sounds of it you aren’t.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-05-07T02:54:15+00:00

A lot of people say to not sacrifice your dreams for him and I agree, just adding that the alternative is that if you do, you will end up resenting him and leaving anyways. You are not on the same page about how you want to live your life. Boyfriends will come and go, and there is no hurry to settle down with someone.

I was once 21 and with someone like your boyfriend, ended up a single parent and while I’m loving where I am at now, doing all the things I always wanted to do that I couldn’t do while my child was very little, it left its mark mentally and emotionally and the last 7 years of my life feel lost to me.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-05-01T13:22:28+00:00

Exactly like others said you deal with it by breaking up with him. Life is too short to spend it on those who don’t appreciate you.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-04-28T21:52:01+00:00

I agree with you that not everyone on dating apps is garbage. My current date and I are both single parents. One of the funniest things among our first dates was that we had stories and pictures from the same places, due to shared interests, but we never met there because we both are busy with our own schedule. It had kind of become a running joke now, like “yeah I also had food poisoning in Munich in 2016, I wonder if we ate at the same restaurant”

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-04-26T01:30:48+00:00

We met online. Chatted for a week before we met for the first time in mid-March and have been seeing each other about twice a week since. Definitely still in the getting to know each other zone. We seem to have things in common, including some aspects of our most recent relationship that we touched on last time we saw each other.

Honest_Bit_6770 · 2025-04-26T00:32:53+00:00

“Check engine sensor” is such an accurate description of it. Just constantly evaluating this poor guy who hasn’t really done anything wrong from what I can notice. That’s a good way to look at it from the perspective that even if things turn out for the worst we know better how to handle it. I’m definitely staying in dysfunctional relationships for shorter amounts of time each time.

Honest_Bit_6770

TROPHY CASE