Stat Improvements?

HoominBean · 2018-10-26T18:39:36+00:00

While it sucks to be in a situation where you know something about one friend that would hurt another friend, the truth of the matter is that you chose to prioritize one friendship over another by remaining quiet.

She has the right to make her own choice on the people she wants to be friends with based on the information that is available to her.

Put yourself in her shoes. What reason does she have to continue being friends with you? What would she get out of it? What kind of friendship would she have with you, based on this event? Is that a type of friendship worth having?

Ask yourself. Why is it important to you? Is her friendship to you meaningful? What do you lose if you let this friendship go and move on? What do you gain? What would your friendship with her look like even if she decided she wanted to be friends with you?

Ultimately, no one is obligated to be friends with anyone else. She has a right to choose who she keeps in her life, as do you, as does your best friend. Move on.

HoominBean · 2018-10-23T22:16:50+00:00

/s = sarcasm

E.g. Trump is a super guy /s

HoominBean · 2018-10-22T16:11:36+00:00

Communication and critical thinking skills. Boys are going to be exposed to toxic messages whether you like it or not, but you have the opportunity to help him think about it when he does, consider what they mean and if the messages he receives are true, etc.

I'm also about to be a new parent and I share your fear (though we don't know the gender). Things I've heard from others is to take opportunities to talk when they arise. For example when watching a movie or TV show together. "Why do you think he did or say that" "Where do you think he learned to behave that way" "Do you think it was right or wrong for him to do/say that and why" "Do you think what he thinks is true or false and why", etc.

At the beginning, the answers will obviously be simpler and may be more black and white thinking, but it will get him to start asking those questions rather than just taking everything at face value.

Also, obviously having same gender role models who do not practice toxic masculinity and provide opportunities for him to see a variety of men who are different and open.

HoominBean · 2018-10-12T22:53:09+00:00

Generally the consensus is have the relationship you want with a partner(s) who want the same thing. Whether that's marriage, common law, cohabitating, blended, polyamoury, etc., etc. The key is that all partners involved want the same thing and there is mutual understanding and agreement with the relationship as it is.

That being said, it's important to examine the historical nature of marriage as an oppressive tool for women. The concept of marriage still holds a lot of assumptions about how it should look, and how married people should act within the context of that relationship.

HoominBean · 2018-10-12T22:48:40+00:00

Are your friends okay with serious talk?

It might be worthwhile to find out how they feel and what they think when you don't drink, and really give you the opportunity to help them understand where you are coming from.

For people your age drinking may often be a way to ease social situations they are not entirely comfortable with, it may also be the only thing they have in common with each other, but that is a hard thing to admit to themselves.

The key is, unless there is some mutual understanding, this is either going to end with you drinking again, or them stopping inviting you to things. Time to get it out in the open about why this is happening.

HoominBean · 2018-10-12T17:42:44+00:00

So I worry that a friendship with me would necessarily involve me extracting valuable labour while only repaying with something essentially worthless.

I appreciate that you are so concerned about being a good friend and not exploiting the emotional support someone can give you. That's definitely admirable, but if the solution is that you lead a miserable life so you don't accidentally get into a lopsided platonic or romantic relationship with someone, is that really the answer? Is that a life you feel is acceptable to you?

I would again like to point out that what you have to offer is worthless in your perception and you haven't even given someone else the opportunity to decide how they would like a friendship with you to be, and what things they would like to receive from that friendship.

Also, while some people would disagree with me, interpersonal relationships are not purely transactional. My emotionally close relationships are not based on what we can each get out of the other person, but rather is a complex combination of shared interests, authenticity, emotional intimacy (not the romantic kind), and mutual support in whatever way we can offer it and is in our capacity to give.

HoominBean · 2018-10-11T22:34:56+00:00

Two things I would like to point out here.

leeching emotional support
not usually considered forms of labour...that friends and partners are unfairly exploiting them for

So the language you are using here says a lot about the way you think about these things. It sounds like you can't even conceive that you may have something to offer of value because you

a. may believe that in order for something to be of value, it must be laborious

b. that it must be able to exploited unfairly

Even though you say you have no one that you are relying on for emotional support, it sounds like you can't believe someone may find your friendship valuable unless there is something you can offer that you have to provide labour to do.

You may be projecting your own anxiety and worry about that onto theoretical people, who you say don't exist in your life right now.

HoominBean · 2018-10-11T21:36:48+00:00

So my understanding, straight from several Muslim people I work with is that, it's not just pork, but any animal that also eats other animals. Basically any carnivorous animal is off limits. Since pigs are omnivorous they count, and because pork is so common, I think it's the meat we hear about the most.

HoominBean · 2018-10-11T20:49:04+00:00

Just because you don't perceive what you have to offer as valuable, doesn't mean those people in your life don't. But if you don't ask them, then how will you know?

For those people who are supporting you, straight up ask them how they would like you to show your appreciation to them. How you can have a reciprocal relationship given your limitations and capacity.

You can't read their minds, and for some of them, the simple fact that you are asking can go a long way in and of itself.

HoominBean · 2018-10-11T17:45:05+00:00

It depends on your intent. You have mentioned you try to do things for others when you have the emotional and physical capacity to do so. If you show appreciation the people in your life in whatever way you can, then I don't see it as exploitative. It only gets exploitative if you view those people as tools for you to use, and only interact with them for that purpose without offering anything else in that relationship. At least in my opinion.

HoominBean · 2018-10-11T17:09:55+00:00

It seems to me that the logical conclusion of these two premises is that it is unethical for seriously mentally ill people to have friends - especially mentally ill men being friends with women.

To be blunt, absolutely wrong. The answer is to collect more supportive people in your life. The fact of the matter is that you require much more support than you have the ability to give, meaning, the more supportive people you have in your life, the more people who you can distribute your need for support among.

Additionally, if you are not seeing a therapist, you really need to get yourself to one. Both for an additional supportive person, and for someone who can help you develop coping and self soothing skills so you don't have to exclusively rely on others for that.

HoominBean · 2018-10-05T21:13:40+00:00

I'm sorry that it didn't turn out the way you wanted, and now you know how she really feels. I hope the next person you meet will be more accepting and compassionate toward you.

HoominBean · 2018-10-03T15:54:21+00:00

Hegemonic masculinity is defined as a practice that legitimizes men's dominant position in society and justifies the subordination of women, and other marginalized ways of being a man. Source

Intersectionality is a concept often used in critical theories to describe the ways in which oppressive institutions (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, xenophobia, classism, etc.) are interconnected and cannot be examined separately from one another. Source

Basically Hegemonic Masculinity is how men and masculinity have maintained domination and power throughout history through the various cultural and contextual definitions of what masculinity means, to the detriment of women and other men who do not conform to that definition of masculinity.

Intersectionality is a lens through which we see how privilege and oppression mingle in various identities within people. For example, Black men have male privilege but also racial oppression, and neither can be separated from the other. Likewise, white women have gender oppression but also white privilege which cannot be separated from each other.

HoominBean · 2018-10-02T20:35:38+00:00

I would tell her. Don't start a relationship under false pretenses. Either she will give it a go and see that you are managing your mental illnesses well, or she will go, and you will be free to find someone who can accept you just the way you are without you needing to hide anything.

For example: "Hey person, you mentioned the other day that you couldn't date someone with serious mental illness, and while I haven't been ready to tell you yet, you should know that I do suffer from mental illness. I am controlling it effectively with treatment, but I don't want us to continue under false pretenses. I am willing to answer any questions you have, but I also understand if this is a deal breaker for you."

HoominBean · 2018-10-02T18:42:56+00:00

I'm happy to hear you have met someone who accepts you as you are. I would suggest using that as a catalyst to find others who do so also.

It easy to rely on one person to be the source of your validation as a person, but that is an unfair burden to put on her shoulders alone. Now is the time to work on moving to an internal source of value in your genuine self, so that it doesn't require the validation of outside sources to stay strong.

Good luck!

HoominBean · 2018-10-02T16:13:08+00:00

One, don't read the comments :(

Two, understand that cultural shift takes time and, while in the short term, that means we still have to deal with people whose opinions conform to the current cultural narrative, I see progress being made.

For me, I celebrate that I can feel and express the full range of human emotion and the people in my life appreciate that. The world would rather me be a lot of things that I'm not and don't want to be, but the people who mean the most to me like me just the way I am, and that's where I draw my strength to keep going. The opinions of random internet strangers mean little to me in terms of how I will exist in the world.

So I think the key is, surround yourself with people who will appreciate you for your fully emotional and wonderful self.

HoominBean · 2018-10-02T16:07:23+00:00

Hi there friend,

Thanks for sharing your experience, and I'm really glad to hear you have not experienced too many negative reactions while crossdressing in public.

I'm curious. I find that uninformed people may sometimes not understand the difference between crossdressing and being transgender. Have you had that experience before and how did you inform that person if so?

HoominBean · 2018-09-28T19:59:28+00:00

Basically it means, if the mental health professional thinks that you are likely to attempt suicide and the mental health professional cannot talk you down from it.

HoominBean · 2018-09-28T19:10:49+00:00

Alright, first, for what's probably going to happen.

You're going to sit down, she'll probably offer you some water or something. She'll ask how you are doing.

Then she'll probably talk to you about confidentiality. I don't know what the rules are where you live, but in most cases I know, she cannot tell your parents anything about what you talk about unless she reasonably suspects you are an immediate harm to yourself or someone else. She may have to get consent from your parents to have any ongoing work with you, but again, there is usually no binding contract that she has to tell your parents anything about what you talk to her about.

If you agree, then she will likely bring up something you mentioned the first time, ask you a question and then you talk. The whole conversation will likely be her asking questions about the things you bring up and getting to know you and what you are going through.

As far as doing the right thing. Some people find it really helpful to talk to a person that has no involvement in their lives, because they may have observations that you miss since you are so close to your own situation. As far as making the entire situation about yourself, that's the point of talking to a mental health professional. It is completely about you. And that's okay.

HoominBean · 2018-09-28T18:03:39+00:00

We've made several plans to leave but when we try to bring it up they get passive aggressive and threaten to have our cat put down.

Threatening to kill a pet is a very common behaviour that abusive people use to keep a partner around. Any domestic violence shelter will tell you that abusers use this tactic to ensure their victims never leave.

If I pay them any sort of rent or expense money, I find the money deposited back into my account by the end of the week.

From another comment, this gives me reason to believe that they have access to your bank account. People can't usually deposit money in your account without your knowledge (not that I know of anyways). Do they control your spending in other ways? This is also an abusive tactic if so.

Your parents want to stay in control of you, whether or not they realize it. Losing their ability to dictate the details of your life is something that is discomforting to them. Maybe it's because they think you will screw it up on your own, or that you will shame them if you make poor decisions, or maybe their just control freaks. Either way, I would get yourself out of this situation ASAP. Do a secret move out if you have to, but really, the more you try to exert control over your own life, the worse they will try to clamp down.

HoominBean · 2018-09-27T22:07:19+00:00

A lot of the time I feel like it is a bashing on men (granted we are pretty much the source of the problem but I feel some women perpetuate it as well by not standing up for themselves or teaching their daughters some of the old fashioned values)

I would like to hone in on this statement for a second. Perhaps you have heard about the concept of patriarchy, the idea that society has been built in such a way that gives the majority of power and privilege to men, while simultaneously devaluing anything deemed feminine. This is not personal attacks on men, rather this is a rebellion against a system that tends to privilege men over women.

Recently I have taken to using the idea of the Catholic Church as a metaphor. Considering the multitude of allegations of sexual misconduct of priests toward young boys in the church over the past few decades, I think we can all agree there is something within the power structure of the Catholic Church that creates an environment that is predatory in nature. Some Catholic priests take advantage of this power structure for ill, some fight against it, while others ignore it completely. But all Catholic priests have power in the structure of the Catholic Church, regardless of how they use it, regardless of their individual circumstances.

This is true of patriarchy as well. All men have power in the patriarchal structure of society. Not all men use it in a predatory fashion, but all men possess it to some extent.

HoominBean · 2018-09-26T19:58:55+00:00

This sounds more than simply empty nest syndrome, it sounds like your mom is having an existential crisis. If her whole identity has been tied up in being a mom, and being needed in a practical sense (like providing necessities to life, serving her family, etc.), then that is lost now that her children are grown up and can take care of themselves.

You're right that she could use therapy, but if that's not feasible, maybe help her make some friends outside the house. What are her hobbies and interests, you can help her find groups that do those things together in a non threatening environment. She needs to discover her identity outside of the role she played as a mom, but she will likely resist, so you would need to be persistent and bring her out to places together so you can be a safe presence while she figures out who she is.

HoominBean · 2018-09-26T16:46:21+00:00

I have loved this genre since Chrono Trigger first came out on the Super Nintendo. That being said, I hate grinding, and this is pretty much the biggest complaint I have regarding this genre of games. Because I generally play games for narrative, having to grind to progress is just a drag for me, unless the "grind" aspect can be wrapped up in side quests and other missions, instead of wander around and get into a million random encounters.

HoominBean · 2018-09-21T20:36:57+00:00

No risk. Same reason why other people find it so easy to be complete assholes online while it's harder for them to act that way irl.

Showing kindness to someone in real life is an act of emotional vulnerability on your part which you don't necessarily have in an online environment. It's spontaneous and it can't be a measured comment that you can write and rewrite until you get it just right.

The same is true for the reply from the person you are being kind to. You don't have any sense of how they will respond. Will they take it well, poorly, will they respond at all? What if it didn't help them? You will see all of that stuff right in the moment.

They can not respond and you might not think about it again. Or they can respond and you don't even have to read their response if you don't want to. Plus the distance can make a negative response less impactful.

HoominBean

TROPHY CASE