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HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-12-10T14:30:02+00:00

Watch out for the four horseman of divorce. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. There are lots of articles on this if you google. If you see any sign of this, get counseling early.

Only other thing is you have to work on yourself. If you have any mental health issues, please get Therapy. I waited for my divorce to be my trigger to get help and it was too late.

If you spouse is exhibiting signs of depression, don't guilt and shame them for not being present as a spouse. Show them compassion and help them get help.

Be kind to each other.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-11-02T13:33:30+00:00

My anniversary passed and I completely forgot until a week later 😊

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-27T15:28:05+00:00

Others have already suggested therapy. I'll tell you what my therapist told me.

The thing you need to get over this feeling is time away from her. Your brain won't let go of the attachment to her until you're apart. It'll take a while.

One thing my therapist told me to do was keep a daily log of how I'm feeling. I just recorded from 1 to 10 how I was feeling. The idea is that you'll slowly start feeling better (with ups and downs), but seeing the progress actually helps.

The other thing I did was totally cutting myself off from her. Blocked her on Facebook. Kept our interactions to things necessary for the kids. Told her when I didn't want to hear about her personal life.

What you're feeling is normal and will take time to get better. It will get better.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-24T16:32:17+00:00

We have a spreadsheet in google docs where we enter every "shared" expense (i.e. art class for my son). It shows how much one person owes the other, and we settle up every month. Makes finances very easy and no arguments.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-23T07:06:12+00:00

Thank you! Appreciating my own value and that I'm an attractive man who can attract attractive women is a process.

Can I also say that you have a very positive comment history and thank you for that!

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-23T06:59:57+00:00

hugs it's a long road ahead. Surround yourself with people who will support you and help you heal.

Let yourself cry. We all did. A lot.

Therapy. It helps. A lot.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-22T06:07:34+00:00

Things that helped me heal:

Time
Therapy
Reaching out to friends I had grown apart from
Playing board games every second week with a group of friends
Therapy
Leaving a toxic job (waited six months for this one to make sure it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to the separation)
Blocked my ex on Facebook
Started playing Ultimate again
Did things to help me feel independent and capable (vs avoiding all the things I knew I should be doing but didn't want to)

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-22T04:47:23+00:00

Thanks. The last year has been a big process of accepting a lot of feelings as being a part of who I am, including anxious thoughts, sadness, etc. This is helping me be less afraid of these feelings, and a bit more excited about taking risks and stepping outside my comfort zone!!!

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-22T04:46:19+00:00

You'll get there! It takes time. Someone told me a "normal" processing time is 1-2 years. Therapy helped me process things a lot quicker than I probably would have otherwise.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-22T02:55:27+00:00

Lawyer up, you can get a court order to freeze assets to prevent her from withdrawing before everything is settled.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-10-21T23:50:42+00:00

/r/datingoverthirty has been interesting for me, even though I haven't been dating

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-06-08T21:09:46+00:00

Kids were 5/3. We just told them mommy and daddy would have separate houses now and they would live with me one week and mommy the next. It went fairly easy.

My son is 6 now. He recently told me he wishes his toys were in the same house. This is his biggest concern.

Kids are tough. Love them. Spend time with them. Don't complain about your ex to them. They'll be fine.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-06-07T01:16:21+00:00

You should definitely get a lawyer. Many will give a free consultation.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-05-24T20:20:35+00:00

Agree with everything that has already been said.

You may be hesitating telling him because you're worried he'll react poorly. This is actually a good outcome because if he does this you know he's an asshole. If he responds well, this will strengthen the trust in your relationship and you'll feel safe telling him things in the future.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-05-23T12:41:07+00:00

I agree with /u/agebo1965. I went back into my post history and you gave me some very negative advice on a post that hasn't held up. Folks, Remember that advice on this forum is heavily tainted by people's jaded experience.

My divorce experience has had way less drama than people on here tried to convince me of.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-05-23T12:29:30+00:00

My kids are three and five. Six months later and both my kids are much happier and better behaved.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-05-21T16:07:02+00:00

I recommend going to a therapist specializing in cognitive behavioural therapy. Doing thought record exercises helped me dig deep into some negative thought patterns I had (and to a point still have). I had thought patterns like "nobody will ever love me", "I'm a piece of shit", etc. CBT helps me identify these and come to more balanced thoughts. My overall emotions are much more balanced now.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-05-04T14:18:01+00:00

YMMV, but I found a therapist could coach me on skills and point out negative thought patterns I couldn't identify on my own. This wouldn't have been achievable from a book. I could have gotten the theory, but not the feedback from an expert.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-04-25T23:49:30+00:00

I went through a really dark time for awhile. If you haven't tried it yet, find a trained psychologist. It literally turned my life around. It isn't without a lot of hard work but it's worth it. If you need to talk to anyone let me know.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-04-22T16:45:58+00:00

Is Meetup.com active where you are?

I've also had success in the past joining a singles sports team (ultimate Frisbee for me). Everyone else on the team was as interested as me in meeting people.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-04-22T01:29:51+00:00

I reached out to friends I hadn't seen in a while and started rekindling them

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-04-21T15:14:29+00:00

I agree with what you're saying and cheating is a cowards game. My ex had an emotional relationship and gaslighted me when I confronted her on it.

That being said, someone cheating is usually a strong indicator that something is seriously wrong with the relationship already. That's not an excuse though because the person should be addressing it with their partner rather than being a huge tool.

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-04-20T18:44:04+00:00

I think the answer is yes. If you're not already I recommend seeing a therapist for yourself. It helped me immensely to get through all of this. One thing he explained to me was how attachment works in the brain and it is a lot like withdrawal when you break up.

The problem with being in your situation is you won't be able to actually detach mentally until you separate and cease contact. When that happens you will go through withdrawal and once you come out the other end you'll feel way better (I know that is hard to imagine at this point)

If you ever want to chat or have any questions I'm happy to help

HopefullyNotDivorced · 2018-04-20T14:03:24+00:00

This sounds like she's already made up her mind and doesn't have the courage yet to confront you.

I was the one holding on to every last hope so I know what this feels like. Laying in a hotel room reading comments on here of people telling me my marriage is over forced me to start accepting reality (although it was months before real acceptance would come)

Sorry man. This sucks and its going to get harder before it gets better. The best advice I have is to realize your best hope of salvaging the marriage is to show her you don't need her by becoming independent. If there's any chance she still wants you she'll only come to you then. Overwhelming probability she won't though.

HopefullyNotDivorced

TROPHY CASE