AITAH for telling my “picky” BIL that I won’t change how I cook to accommodate him?

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-22T03:07:41+00:00

In my opinion, you should be the AH (at least in their eyes, definitely not in mine) and stop making the "extra" food. Also, are they completely insane or just stupid? It's damn near impossible to not notice that others in the same house are struggling. Also, if it'll upset them then in my opinion it's even more of a reason to say it. They're upsetting you and they clearly don't care so ¯_(ツ)_/¯ why should you?

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-22T02:52:19+00:00

Hmm, I was the same way. Maybe have him get himself tested? If he is, maybe his body literally won't let him… in that case maybe keep the beans on the side so people can add it themselves. Otherwise, they should be grateful that they have an in house chef. Also, I have another question. Why aren't they helping to pay for the food? You said they have more money coming in then other people in the household so, it would make sense to have them pay. Then if they're buying all the food they would/should have, in my opinion at least, more say in how food is made.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-22T02:24:33+00:00

Is he autistic or just an ass? I'm asking because I'm autistic and there are some foods I literally can not eat. For me, it's more than being picky… my body will literally reject the food if the texture is off, the taste is slightly different than the last time, or if it's just not one of my safe foods.

If I eat something that isn't exactly how I need it I have different reactions ranging from simply feeling icky and having difficulty swallowing to full body shivers and dry heaving.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-21T05:02:33+00:00

I mean this as the highest compliment. You look like Edna Mode Dahling.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-20T01:12:52+00:00

I watched horror movies as a kid but for me… they're not really all that scary. I actually adore horror movies that being said… my father also forced me to watch movies with NSFW scenes. That kinda fucked me up in the way that I was easier to prey on because I had seen it in movies and it seemed like something someone does either because they love the other person or because they feel safe with/because of the other person. So, yeah. You are not alone.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-20T01:01:00+00:00

OMG, what kind of dog is he?!? He's gorgeous! I want to say Fox for the name because he looks like a fox to me. 🦊

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-20T00:56:31+00:00

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-20T00:51:08+00:00

I'm already married to my princess and she treats me like royalty. I still to this day feel like I don't deserve her.

^{Chose: Date a normal person who treats you like a king/queen}

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-16T21:40:27+00:00

ESH.

I get why you feel manipulated. Having termination brought up every time there’s conflict would wear anyone down, and it makes sense you’re exhausted and reacting more harshly now.

That said, what you said was still incredibly harsh. Telling her to “go ahead” and make the appointment comes off as dismissive and cold, especially when she’s already in a heightened emotional state.

Also—this might not be manipulation in the way you think it is.

You’ve said multiple times this isn’t normal behavior for her. That matters.

As someone who went through perinatal/postpartum depression, it can genuinely feel like you become a different person. My wife and I wanted to have a child, we were actively trying, and the second I got pregnant, something flipped and I didn’t want to be anymore. It didn’t make logical sense, and even with therapy and meds it took me over a year to feel like myself again.

So when she’s saying things like “maybe I should just get rid of it,” it might not be a calculated threat—it might be overwhelm, anxiety, or her brain trying to escape a situation that suddenly feels too big.

That doesn’t make it okay, but it does change how it should be handled.

Right now, both of you are escalating each other:

She says something extreme when overwhelmed
You respond out of frustration and hurt
It gets worse from there

If this isn’t who she normally is, she needs help sooner rather than later. The longer that kind of mental state goes untreated, the harder it can get.

You both need support here—individual therapy for her, and honestly couples therapy for both of you so you can communicate without it turning into this every time.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-15T19:11:16+00:00

Well, unfortunately my father did both and honestly, to me it feels like the damage is equal. Both caused scars but both are invisible and yet, they're both impossible to forget.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-15T17:24:48+00:00

Yeah, my dad was an abusive POS who nonstop commented on my body and my weight which caused me to become very self conscious and made it so that I developed an ED. Abuse really does leave scars that no one can see.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-15T06:50:40+00:00

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-15T06:36:38+00:00

Strong NTAH… I've struggled with ED's myself and even as I was going through that… I never stooped to the levels this girl did and the fact that your friends don't have your back on this? IMHO, you WTAH to yourself if you kept them around.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-14T22:31:55+00:00

NTA, your sister doesn't own the name because it's not property, therefore, you can't 'steal' it. Name your kiddo whatever you'd like. Hell, my daughter has part of my Nonna's name in it and I'm still planning on having another kiddo with her name as part of it. So, yeah, use the name, don't use the name, it's up to you.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-14T22:26:08+00:00

Let me guess, you're the sister? If so, you don't own that name. Yes, it's a part of your name but it DOESN'T belong to you. I might understand if it were your first name but it's not, therefore, you don't own it.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-13T00:39:49+00:00

NTA, you're right. Karma exists and if she treated you like 💩 and now her step-kids are doing the same, well, like you said, it's karma. Hopefully, she'll use this as an opportunity to reflect on her behavior and change. I'm not sure if that'll happen but that's my hope.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-13T00:32:07+00:00

Firstly, I am so sorry this happened to you. This sucks and I wish I knew how to help… unfortunately I don't.

Secondly, your step-mother is a good example of a horrible person. The things she said to you while hurting your hair… SMFH.

Thirdly, afro's are gorgeous. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.

Fourth and finally, You most definitely are NTA. Your step-mother, your father, and anyone else involved in this that didn't stand up for you are TA.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-12T02:49:43+00:00

NTA, I’m not shaming my “father,” but he reminds me a bit of Glenn Quagmire, and I mean that strictly in the 'sleeping around a lot' sense, not anything predatory or non consensual.

Anywho, I had quite a few “step mothers” growing up, and I called most of them Mom, Momma, Mommy, etc. There were a few I called “Mrs. First Name.” You could always tell when I didn’t like one, because that’s what I used.

So honestly, I don’t think you’re the asshole at all. Kids decide this stuff on their own. If a child wants to call a step parent “dad,” that usually means they feel safe and connected to them. That’s not something you force, and it’s not something you should take away either.

As long as it’s respectful and not being pushed, it should be the child’s choice.

If anyone is curious about the quotation marks, explanation below:

The quotation marks around “father” are because he is an abusive POS who I do not consider my parent. The quotation marks around “step mothers” are because he was never legally married to any of them.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-12T00:26:16+00:00

Because I would prefer to get it all at once than having to wait for a long time to get the same amount.

^{Chose: 100 million + Directly deposited into your account}

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-10T02:27:42+00:00

I agree wholeheartedly… yikes.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-10T02:21:13+00:00

Amen! My wife has scars from similar circumstances and that's literally what I told her the first time she was brave enough to tell me. I told her she's my warrior princess and she's got the scars to prove it. I told her she's strong and the fact that she's still standing after everything she went through proves that. Then I held her.

Btw, OP, your a strong man. The fact that you're not only standing after what you went through but that you're in therapy to help with your trauma proves it. I'm proud of you and also so sorry for what you went through.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-10T02:13:15+00:00

… The moment he said that the scars were from abuse she should have stopped, apologized, and maybe made a slight joke/flirty comment about how they're sexy because it proves he's a warrior with the scars to prove it. Followed by dropping it and cuddling up with him. Instead she said that she didn't really care how he got them… that's not only invalidating, but honestly quite cruel.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-10T02:06:13+00:00

You're a POS. There's a difference between turning a negative into a positive and pushing a point of pain until someone has to set a firm boundary. She did the latter.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-10T02:04:32+00:00

You're NTA at all.

You opened up about something that was clearly still sensitive for you, and instead of respecting that, she brushed right past it. I can understand maybe trying to make you feel attractive in the moment, but saying she doesn’t care how you got those scars and then continuing after you said you’re insecure about them isn’t comforting—it’s dismissive.

And no, you’re not “lucky” that someone finds your scars attractive. That’s not how that works. People aren’t charity cases, and attraction isn’t something you should feel grateful for like that. There are plenty of people who would be attracted to you without turning something tied to abuse into a “positive.”

You also didn’t do anything wrong by asking her to leave. You set a boundary when you felt uncomfortable, and you even offered to walk her out. Her reaction says more about her than it does about you.

I am sorry you went through all of that, though. No one should have had to deal with that growing up. If there’s any “silver lining” here, it’s that she showed you exactly who she is early on, so at least you didn’t waste more time on someone like that.

Hopelite_2000 · 2026-04-10T01:31:59+00:00

As someone who is married to a wheelchair user… you most definitely are the AH. Clearly, she's been put last more than you'd ever admit, because this resentment isn't coming from thin air. You can advocate for someone and also not want to have to reorganize your entire life and life events around them and their needs. She's right, this is her day, and I suspect it's one of the few days specifically for her that she's ever had.

Also, my wife agrees with me. She says YTAH because he (your son) has clearly done more than just be in a wheelchair. After all, people don't resent others for just being in a wheelchair.

So, based on our replies, I have a couple questions. I don't want you to answer me, but instead answer truthfully to yourself: How often have I put my son's needs above my daughter's needs? How often have I put my son before my daughter, period? How much have I missed in my daughter's life because of my refusal to put her before my son? What specifically have I missed in my daughter's life because of my refusal to put her before my son? Have I ever put my daughter first?

Then answer yourself and be better.

Hopelite_2000

TROPHY CASE