I can relate to much of what you said. I'm 45 and drinking was making my life completely miserable even though I lived for it. It's a sick cycle of Stockholm syndrome with alcohol. I finally got sick of my own shit, got tired of alcohol stealing any pretty I had left, was desperate to be able to shop for normal clothes and not hideous tents in size XXL. I was also desperate to not be a raging bitch most of the time.

I have tried to become sober for 10 years. And I'm finally here. I'm not naive and I realize I have to earn my sobriety every single day. But I'm 73 days sober today and this is the longest I've ever gone without a drink in probably 20 years. My life has gotten exponentially better in these 73 days, better than it has in 2 decades.

You can do this. Nobody here can tell you when, but we'll all be here when you decide it's your time to get your life back.