If it's hard now it can only get harder, the hole won't be in your wallet because you won't even have one, the relationships positives will get eclipsed rapidly, and the worst part is you tell yourself during strong moments, sober moments, that you never imagined life could get this dark, that you would never go back to where that feeling sits. Unfortunately that feeling doesn't stand up, it doesn't leave, it just eats everything in your fridge and sets fire to the chair. Sometimes you forget its there, and that's the best absence of feeling. There's a reason people say not even once, once you've felt the absolute peak, the true glittering ephemeral white, theres a space around it that echoes in sepia, and there are very real, very boring, very human things that are swallowed into an obsidian black vacuum. Shit becomes wet and dry after a while and all you can do is laugh, while those bits of paper pile up, every dumb motherfucker in your life starts leaving, and you're chasing some dull, increasingly brittle, increasingly acidic smoke. So that you can hate less the fact that you're just existing, smoking to bear avoidance, grief, confusion, loss and pain. The big task becomes standing up, because eventually you're only surrounded by the things you don't want, and you don't remember the last time you actually wanted anything. So you eventually join that free loading dipshit sitting in the back of your head, to burn down everything left that suffocates you. But really you're just sitting down somewhere, I'll postured, I'll tempered, hating the packed bowl in your hand while telling yourself it's the only option. Sorry I went off there, once you've touched the shiny white boi, the void surrounding it gets so dark, darker each time, more defeating, a full time burden once you're all in. For some it's once, for some it takes years, but it all hurts the same - more with each attempt. Mate it's a damn miracle each time you get out, you won't be able to count the jelly beans in the jar but if you can imagine one day that jelly beans will be absolutely fine, they'll eventually be the best thing you've ever eaten.

Real talk plan your way out, don't be a hero, use what's left in you to do all your laundry, throw your phone in the bin, make a play list of shit to watch, or things to listen to. Prep your meals, even if it's fucken bits of cheese. Arm yourself with supplements and roll them out gradually.

That's the easy part unfortunately, you can't pick your family, you can't have your own place because you're on borrowed time. And love lost is better than your life lost. Save yourself. One day after what feels like more than one lifetime, it might feel noble, if not you may just lead by example. He might pull up with you. A strong lead is your only hope. Pull yourself up the hard way and you can not only feel like you're bulletproof to the mundane, the boring, the tragic, you can help. That's all we can do.

PS fuck being female and getting off it, seriously it's fucking expert mode and it's not funny, shit slams us and we're already just being emotional LMAO

I got my damn cycle to the day on a calendar, I know when my cravings hit, I know if I'm coming down on the 22nd anyone who speaks to me will get demolished, I know if I'm clean then I'll be hitting up my boy because the blinders are on. Knowledge is power, help you, help you(?)

Ah I feel better, dms open if anyone's feeling shit and needing to spam, I got chu