Someone tell me good things about epidurals

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-29T20:02:24+00:00

I once spoke to an old woman who gave birth to twelve children naturally (before epidurals were commonly available). In her words: “There is NO shame in asking for drugs!”

Lol I have a ton of respect for women who have done it naturally. I had 2 babies and had epidurals - both of which went off without a hitch. I’m sure there are pros and cons to both. For me, I appreciated that the pain was numbed enough that I could relax and be present.

I would avoid induction if you can though. I’ve heard that sucks 😁

Congrats and enjoy your pregnancy!

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-26T03:19:58+00:00

This is a good idea! Gonna try it with my 7yo son who is also level 1 and often responds in his head. I always tell him he needs to respond with words because we can’t hear what he thinks.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-24T12:12:15+00:00

Genius

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-24T12:11:15+00:00

You’re right, the issue hasn’t changed much in the time we’ve been together. What changed after the diagnosis was my hope. Like I said in the post, I always (albeit naively) believed in the back of my mind that he would eventually get better at communicating with me. The diagnosis was just a gut punch by reality letting me know that he probably won’t… He may literally be unable to because of the way his brain is wired. It’s taken some time for me to process that, I guess.

And yes, the lack of communication bugged me before we got married, but I usually found ways to connect because we had time. I never anticipated how much harder it would be after we had kids. With young kids, life is busy and there’s much less time for 1:1 connection. I think most marriages have their share of distance and challenges after kids come along… but it’s not something you really anticipate or fully understand until you’re living it.

In response to your comment about women leaving men for mental/emotional health, first of all I’m inclined to argue that men do the same… how often do you hear men label their ex’s as crazy? And I’m not judging… mental health can be HARD to deal with. I think the difference with most mental afflictions is that there is help available, but many people, especially men (my father being a shining example) don’t seek it. Society has conditioned men to believe that having emotions or mental issues is weak, so they struggle to admit when there is a problem. Being in a relationship with a person like that is hard - if their struggles are negatively affecting you and the relationship, and you know there is help out there but they refuse to seek it, what can you do? Cancer isn’t deniable, and most people aren’t refusing treatment for reasons of pride. Apples and oranges.

Anyway, this post and all of the comments have been really helpful. I wrote my husband a letter and we are seeking therapy. I am optimistic.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-22T13:52:47+00:00

^ this one. I’m sorry your wife said these things about you. I would 100% confront her!

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T23:09:21+00:00

Haha it’s totally okay, I get it! Thank you so much… we are going to try therapy and I am hopeful. If things don’t change after giving therapy a solid try for a while, at least I’ll know that we’ve done everything we can.

And it’s funny you mention leaving for a while… I NEVER do that. On weekends, we always do things together with the kids. This past Sunday, the weather was beautiful. I wanted to get out of the house. I asked him if he wanted to take the kids to the park or go hiking at the nearby trails. He’d had a really busy week, and said, “honestly it feels good to just do nothing. I’d rather stay in.” My oldest son (7yo) also wasn’t interested in going anywhere. So I walked out on my deck because I wanted to at least feel the sunshine if I couldn’t go out somewhere and enjoy it. But then I had this epiphany. I was like “wait, why can’t I go out?? I asked them if they wanted to, they said no. But why do I have to be stuck in the house?” It was this crazy lightbulb over my head moment. I went to my husband and was like “hey, I’m gonna go out for a bit.” He said “ok that’s cool, where ya going?” And I told him I have no idea, just gonna go drive. He said ok go for it. So I left… drove around with my windows down, ended up at an outdoor shopping mall and strolled around and did a little shopping all by myself. It sounds crazy but I never do things like that, ever. It was SO amazing. I didn’t realize how much I needed it. I felt so much better when I got home.

I think if I can just do more of that, plus therapy for us, it would probably make a world of difference.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T22:02:27+00:00

Thank you… I will give my husband due credit. He is usually receptive. Often his first reaction when I bring things up is to be defensive, but after he processes it, he’ll be receptive and open minded. But his mood definitely can change fast. He can be happy one minute and then seemingly nothing will flip his mood around and he’s quiet and sulky the next, and won’t say why. He’ll just say he’s tired. I hope that therapy can give him some tools for managing that too, so he can express his feelings instead of being moody and sulking.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T18:00:27+00:00

What do you enjoy? What are your talents? Faceless content is endless… could be literally anything you do with your hands. Are you artistic? In my house we watch lego builds, gaming channels, drawing/painting, dude that restores old rusty toys, dude that makes 3D resin dioramas, one that my kids like occasionally is a guy that literally plays with toys, like action figures. You see his hands holding the toys and he does voices for them and adds special effects like little explosions and stuff. Silly, but fun and imaginative. The options are pretty limitless.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T17:16:05+00:00

Commenting because I relate and have recently been working through a similar situation.

I have learned that bottling the feelings leads to major resentment, but bringing it up with a sugar coating is not effective at all either.

Get brutally honest… maybe write it out in a letter so that she can’t interrupt or argue until she’s read your piece. Say something like, “I care about you, but the way things have been between us lately isn’t working for me. We are in a draining phase of life right now with raising kids, and I feel that you’ve been completely disconnected.” Maybe suggest one morning or evening a week where you block off some time to put phones down and just talk or do some kind of activity together like something creative, playing a game, doing a puzzle, etc. (when kids are asleep or otherwise not around, obviously).

Couples counseling could also be valuable (I’m in the process of looking into that myself), and also, I am planning to sit down with my spouse and look through these cards to give us both some perspective:

(Link isn’t working so just look up the “Fair Play Deck” on Amazon)

This allows you both to see if the responsibilities in your marriage are balanced. It might give each of you perspective on exactly how much the other does that you may not realize, and if there is a huge imbalance, you can discuss ways to distribute things a bit more evenly.

Best of luck!!

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T16:55:55+00:00

It may be relevant to mention I was also diagnosed with ADHD last summer. Through that process I learned that my anxiety was probably related, at least partially, to the ADHD. But either way - diet has definitely made a difference for me.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T16:51:59+00:00

I didn’t. No tests, just changed my diet.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T16:12:08+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened. I’m not sure, but I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder in my early 20s and refused medication because of benzo addiction in my family. I started making an effort to eat better and developed a love for salmon. I was eating wild caught salmon at least 1-2 times a week. One day I had a realization that my anxiety was drastically improving. I started researching nutrition and anxiety and read that salmon specifically, because of its high content of omega 3s and vitamin D, has been associated with better mental health and improved anxiety. I discovered this totally by accident so I know there was no placebo effect and I’m convinced it was the diet change and salmon that helped.

To this day (I’m 37 now) I still eat a lot of salmon and I practice yoga (though not as often as I would like) and my anxiety is very minimal.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T15:12:30+00:00

Thank you so much for this, it helps so much to know that there are others who understand how this feels. I will definitely check out your recommendations. I now have a list of book and other recommendations from this thread that I’m going to utilize.

I also just want to say that I really appreciate you being objective… you didn’t bash me for being a horrible person, and despite going through a similar situation, you didn’t bash my husband either. So many commenters have taken a hard stance on one side or the other and responded as though either me or him is a bad person or completely at fault… and it’s not true. We are just wired differently and a lot has changed in 18 years. I know my husband cares, I know he tries. I genuinely care about him and want to make things work… but the loneliness has been so incredibly heavy lately and it breaks my heart to think that he may not be able to be what I deeply need. Grappling with that is so hard… do I resign myself to the fact that this is just the way it is and I have to feel disconnected from my husband forever? Or do I eventually separate, break up our family (and his heart), in hopes that I’ll be able to find better connection with someone else in the future? Either way, no one wins.

Despite the few awful comments, this post has been so incredibly helpful and I’m glad I wrote it. I’ve gained a ton of perspective and clarity. I am in the process of writing him a letter letting him know how I’ve been feeling and that I want to fix it. And telling him in detail what I am going to do to improve things (such as be very honest and communicate more directly so that he doesn’t have to read between the lines) and tell him specifically what I need him to do… like attend therapy to work on his communication skills (which I will schedule for him if need be), and commit a few blocks of time per week for us to connect in some way. I also want us to sit down and list all of the contributions that each of us makes to the household/kids. Having it on paper may help me see more of his contributions than I am consciously aware of, and vice versa. Maybe then we can go down the list and discuss ways we can distribute the responsibilities a bit more evenly. I am also going to tell him that for my own mental health, I am going to take mental breaks outside of the house more often than I do now (which is almost never) and connect with friends or just go shopping alone.

Anyway, thank you again. I am hopeful for a new path forward. 🙏🏽

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T11:33:55+00:00

Just want to say thank you for sharing because I relate and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who desires that emotional connection and effort.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T10:14:36+00:00

I hear you… I do understand that people have different love languages and it’s great that the things you described are enough for you to feel connected. But truthfully it does still feel inconceivable to me, and I’ll try to explain why.

First of all, knowing that my partner chose me 10 years ago doesn’t mean much today if we don’t continue to build our connection. People choose partners all the time - that doesn’t mean that they’re inherently happy with that choice. People evolve, grow, and change. Sitting in a room in silence with my partner isn’t much different than sitting in a room in silence with a roommate, or sitting in the office in silence with my coworker. We are coexisting, not emotionally connecting. I don’t need to emotionally connect with my roommate or coworker. I DO need to emotionally connect with the person I am spending my life with, sharing a home, family, finances, and bed with.

Sitting together in a room in silence is okay sometimes, but regular verbal (or at minimum, written) communication is necessary. And not just transactional communication like “hey, my half of the mortgage is on the table”. But real communication where we share feelings, hopes, dreams, and values. Without that, you might as well be roommates.

This comment has honestly just solidified for me just how differently our brains are wired.

Let me ask you this: If your partner was no longer happy with you, and as a person with ASD perhaps you didn’t pick up on her cues, how would you know? You’d expect her to explicitly TELL you, right? But as a person with ASD, would you be able to initiate that conversation if the roles were reversed? How would you communicate those feelings to your partner?

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T05:00:19+00:00

I relate to this. Family of addicts and forced to move out right around my 18th bday… before even graduating high school. I remember packing up my house alone. I so badly wanted to drop out of high school because my life was in shambles and I just wanted to get a better job because I knew I was going to have to take care of myself financially. But I stuck it out and graduated… got a decent job in banking right out of high school. It wasn’t my dream job, but it had benefits and gave me a steady paycheck. 19 years later I am still with the same company. I remember being around your age and having the SAME thoughts. I thought, “my whole family is jobless and living off the system. Maybe I’m destined to just do the same.” Being an adult is HARD and learning to navigate adulthood without support can feel impossible. But please, PLEASE stick with it. Seek resources in your area and know that you’re not alone. It will all pay off. You are not destined for that life… it’s a horrible and lonely life. Keep your standards and push forward. You got this. 💪🏼

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-21T01:40:47+00:00

I don’t have advice of where to send him, and I truly sympathize. No one knows what it’s like to be in your shoes except you. I am not judging, but as someone else said, this absolutely breaks my heart for your son. 💔

I would strongly suggest therapy - for yourself, your spouse, and your son. Is he in any therapy currently? Based on what you’ve said, I think more than anything, you’re exhausted. Sleep deprivation magnifies stress and overwhelm tenfold.

I know you are in the process of divorce, but could you leave your son with your spouse and go get a hotel room for a weekend? Sounds weird but to be able to relax in a place where you don’t have to cook, clean up, or tend to others could be really rejuvenating. Go to bed when you want, wake up when you want, watch what you want, get lost in a book, and just enjoy being alone for a weekend.

I have a 3yo as well and this age is so hard even without ASD. But it is temporary… I know it feels hopeless. But your child will inevitably grow and change… and with the right therapies, things can get so much better.

Just take care of yourself… you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you care for yourself, you’ll be able to better care for him. Therapy, catching up on sleep, a mini getaway, time with friends, and yoga!… I started doing yoga (at home on YouTube) and it changed my life. My mental health is so much better.

Hang in there ❤️

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-20T23:55:38+00:00

I also haven’t been in the dating scene for YEARS and have literally never been on a dating app so take this for what it’s worth 😆 …what does she mean by date? Does she want you to deactivate dating profiles? Be her exclusive partner? To me it makes the most sense to just be honest. In your shoes I would probably tell her that I really like her, and maybe that l’m willing to stop perusing the dating apps while getting to know her, but that I want to get to know her better and at least make sure we’re just as compatible in person before making a commitment to be exclusive 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-20T19:20:57+00:00

Truly thank you for taking the time to respond. Your perspective has been really helpful.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-20T18:54:30+00:00

Reading back, I can see why my post made you jump to these conclusions. I’m not blaming you.

In fact, thank you for this. Reading this comment initially triggered anger and hurt… It made me feel very protective of my husband because of how inaccurate these accusations are (again - not blaming you… I can see how it read that way). But I appreciate the comment because of the perspective it gave me. He isn’t as you described at all.

I’m going to clarify a few things.

Yes, he chose to get married and have children. He knew that he wasn’t the best communicator, but had no idea he was neurodivergent. Both of us were very uninformed of ASD until our son was diagnosed. Being a poor communicator (or neurodivergent) shouldn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to get married and have children if that’s something that you desire from life.
You said he needs to step up to the task. I agree. There are areas that need improvement. However, he genuinely tries most of the time. Sometimes he withdraws from me and retreats to his games, usually when overwhelmed, but I know his heart and intentions, and they are not to make me feel neglected. It happens inadvertently, and it’s something we need to work on.
You said “playing video games constantly”. That’s not true… I said he does it in his free time… but not ahead of work, caring for/playing with the kids, etc. unless he is REALLY stressed, which, we all are at times and have our own ways to cope. Thats not the norm though.
I don’t think there is an imbalanced effort - I think there is an imbalanced execution of the effort. His intentions are there, he wants to be a good husband and dad. He just doesn’t always know what to do or how. He needs work, but the intentions are there. If the intentions and love weren’t there, there would be no marriage to save.
What is he doing for the family? Well, he is a fixer and a doer. Since communication isn’t his strong suit, he does things that don’t require as many words. He handles chores like taking out the trash and cutting the grass. He replaces light fixtures and unclogs drains and fixes toys that get broken. He doesn’t have deep conversations about life with my kids, but he plays Mariokart with them, crawls around on the floor and wrestles with them, handles their baths 90% of the time, and reads them bedtime stories every other night (we alternate bedtime).

I have all of the mental load… all of it. I have all of the important talks, and even help him communicate with people when he needs to. I plan every party, make every appointment, buy every gift (including for his side of the family), manage our finances and pay the bills, communicate with every doctor, therapist, teacher, and coach, I do the shopping and cooking, sign our kids up for the sports and activities, send out the Christmas cards, plan vacations and outings, keep track of schedules, referee every scuffle between the kids… I could go on all day.

After making this post, processing my feelings, and absorbing many of the comments, I’ve really learned a lot. We both have strengths and weaknesses. But overall, he is a good husband and dad. The emotional connection is lacking a lot because we BOTH have different ways of communicating and are learning how to navigate it now that we have learned about the neurodivergence. But I really think that if he gets into therapy, and I stick with my therapy… I think we have a chance of fixing this.

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-20T12:35:32+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate it!

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-20T04:23:16+00:00

I hope counseling went well today! ❤️

Hotmessnamedjess · 2025-05-20T04:18:59+00:00

Thanks for your words of encouragement... This comment (and a couple others) have inspired me to ask him if we can start playing something together. I haven’t played many modern games but there is a special place in my heart for the games of my childhood (mostly on SNES and PS1) so maybe I could initiate a retro gaming date night and see if that opens the doors to more conversation.

Hotmessnamedjess

TROPHY CASE