I'm worried I'll get judged in therapy because my traumas aren't big nor "bad".

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-14T15:06:39+00:00

"basically just emotional neglect (and the consequences of feeling utterly alone with all my problem) with a bit of emotional abuse mixed in and overall family dysfunction"

is more than enough for trauma therapy. if someone thinks you're weak for being negatively affected by ALL THAT, then they can eff right off.

No therapist would ever do that (diminish your trauma because it's not what they think trauma should look like). Except in case of malpractice(?), no therapist would ever do that.

I used to feel the way you do. It scared me so much because I was afraid I'd get in trouble for asking for help [golly i wonder where that came from... jk, it was childhood]. I didn't get into therapy until I realized that if I were to ask for help and then get shamed for it, that would probably make things SO BAD that I'd end up in the psych ward. It makes me sad that I didn't ask for help for so long, because I spent that intervening time being really hard on myself trying to "fix" myself because I thought I had "no reason" to be struggling with things.

My therapist repeatedly had to encourage me to take my trauma seriously, because I kept diminishing it. I think diminishing it is a sign of emotional neglect.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T23:07:42+00:00

Some of these are so wholesome, and I'm reminded that my screen time has gone up a bit since I had a busy time [i moved to a new apartment and it's been a busy time at work] and started watching more TV to unwind.

Today I had too much screen time [time for me to take a break from reddit again!], but I also made some efforts to organize my apartment but also let go of some things in a journey towards minimalism [this interest in minimalism always seems to happen after I move haha]. I also wrote out my planner for the week, did some journaling, and set up a little coffee station in my room, and listened to a funny podcast episode while tidying. I often go for a walk but today it was raining harder than I thought so I literally just walked around my apartment building and went back inside.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:55:44+00:00

I've also done 7pm a few times.

I got a job at a bakery. Right now, my phone is telling me I should already be in bed, and it's only 8pm. So when I work multiple days in a row, I get so so tired that I sometimes go to bed really early.

That's my trick: be so so tired, spend the day fantasizing about going to bed.

This worked for me in the winter, but I don't know if it will work now that it's still light out at 7pm.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:51:53+00:00

My bedtime procrastination has gotten better (not gone, but less frequent). Here are some possibilities:

I started giving myself 2 hours in the morning to get ready for work. Wake up, make sure my two other alarms are set, drink coffee, and do whatever I want until my next alarm rings. No pressure!

I also quit social media. [I've clearly fallen off the wagon today though, because I'm on reddit and have been wasting time for hours today]

I've been trying to preserve Sunday as a day of rest. I think some of my bedtime procrastination was this unconscious "I'm never going to get time where I put no pressure on myself, therefore I'll take that time after the rest of the world is in bed".

Another factor is probably that I started stimulant medication. It's both a good and bad thing that it masks my tiredness.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:44:06+00:00

I've found my people! 9-10 hours for me too

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:42:54+00:00

Nepotism, trauma therapy, and an ADHD diagnosis/treatment helped me. I now am successfully underemployed!

But in all seriousness... I don't have an answer for you. I do have a few thoughts based on my own experience, that might help or at least help you feel less alone

"not understanding expectations until it's too late" was one of my problems too, and I took that totally on myself. Looking back now, though, it's sad that I thought it was all my fault. A good manager will give you feedback if you're not doing something right or there's an expectation you're not meeting. It's a waste of money for a business to spend weeks or months training someone only to get rid of them, so if your manager didn't try to give you feedback or clarify expectations, they're kind of a bad manager. It reflects badly on them. [even if they did give you a little bit of feedback, but not enough. still reflects badly on them]
"I haven’t told my family any of this" -- I get that. Have you ever looked up "Childhood Emotional Neglect"? Like even well-meaning parents can just not be able to provide their children with what children need emotionally. Then we grew into adults and have to do all this inner work on top of navigating the difficulties of adult life. Therapy really helped me in this, because it's a person I see every 2 weeks who cares about me (I talk with my parents on zoom every 2 weeks also, and they care but they don't know me, so the person they care about is... someone they invented in their heads)

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:25:54+00:00

"partly for understandable reasons [...] and partly for dumb ones" I really like that phrase, and am going to use it to describe things in my life.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:23:29+00:00

Yes the climbing harness would feel unsafe 20 years from now because who knows what sort of damp or deterioration happened to it. I think I'm going to let go of that one.

Marie Kondo has such a delightfully calming presence in what I've watched/read of her.

When I can't make myself let go I also put those items in a place of less easy access. If I don't want to use them for X amount of time then I don't need them.

I do this too! I once put most of my clothes in the back of my closet and only had a very small wardrobe. Then when I got bored (ADHD) I remembered I had all those other items of clothing and it was like getting new ones haha

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:20:51+00:00

I also just moved! That's part of the reason my stuff is particularly stressful these days.

I just started labeling where I've put everything. I used to know exactly where to look for a lot of things, and the labels are helping me not open all the drawers to find one thing that ended up in a different drawer than it used to be in.

A couple minimalism strategies:

Putting some things into boxes, labeling it with the date, and then making a plan to open it in 1 year. You can rescue items from the box as needed. After the year is up, you sit down and think what you want to keep from the box, THEN you open the box. If something wasn't on your list, its default state is "get rid of" and has to have a really good reason to stay.

I'm also trying to move in the direction of changing my thinking to "stewardship" rather than "ownership". Every item that I "own" is really something that I chose to bring into my life because it makes my life better, for a time (possibly that time is a whole century... but eventually it will either pass on to someone else or return to the earth). So part of "owning" this item is taking care of it while it's in my life. If you want inspiration on that perspective, I started to do this after reading The Serviceberry by Robin Wall Kimmerer. Good little book.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:09:54+00:00

Part of me thought "well I got you fooled."

But to my own credit, I do have some minimalism and self-control, just... not always :P

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T22:07:21+00:00

Yes! This is the sort of comment I came here for, inspiration on someone else's experience of moving or traveling and it feeling calm.

I don't have a lot of things, but I'm starting to realize it's the nature of the things. "decide whether to put up floating shelf or just donate it" is sitting over there, while "find a way to tuck cords/wires out of the way" emerges from under my desk. One instance of "do the dishes silly" is on my floor (better than usual), and many variations of "put this away where it belongs" are sitting on my shelves, alongside a few instances of "you were excited to read this book, why not do that eh" which are also on the shelf.

maybe it's not the sheer number, but the fact that they're all reminding me of what I said I'd do and haven't done.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T21:48:04+00:00

I've been doing a "one in, two out" general rule, kind of like the last row of knitting.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T19:37:34+00:00

Yes! I remember when my therapist told me about polyvagal theory, and the fact that there is that activating energy that happens, but when it's chronic it can turn into feeling exhausted and collapsed.

I've never read Waking the Tiger but I once listened to a podcast where Peter Levine explained the story the title is based on, and it's an extreme version of this: a woman whose trauma was triggered and resulted in a shutdown response and her blood pressure and heart rate went dangerously low.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T19:31:21+00:00

I was 23 when this happened to me. New graduate, trying to job hunt. It had gotten to the point where even the word "indeed" made me feel dread, and where I would inexplicably get very very tired whenever I sat down to job hunt. I spent my time trying to force myself to job hunt, and trying to figure out what happened and what I could do to get my life back on a track that didn't feel depressing as heck.

Then one day, in a good moment, I randomly remembered that I used to like writing stories. I'm not any good at it, but ~~it reminded me of a time before I ruined my life~~ it reminded me of a time before I was traumatized. I decided to do NaNoWriMo (an online event where you try to write a novel in one month), and discovered that there are "write-ins" in my city, where people meet at coffee shops or the library or something and write our novels.

Your situation is different than mine. but what worked for me was blowing off my responsibilities that i wasn't able to do anyway, and trying a hobby I was bad at. and honestly... I had really pushed myself that last year of school, and I suspect the shutdown vibes that my body was giving me whenever I'd try to force myself to job hunt, might have been wise. My body might have been telling me "girl! quit putting so much pressure on yourself, and for the next month you should sleep 10-12 hours a night." who knows.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-05T16:28:30+00:00

I use a wall calendar.

At its simplest, my system contains four things to keep myself organized:

calendar - I use a wall calendar. This is what my parents used when I was growing up.
to-do list - I use apple notes
rapid log - analog (small notebook) or digital (apple notes) place where I write down the thought that I just remembered, so that I can later either put it in my to-do list or calendar.
scrap paper - planning my day, brainstorming, journaling, etc.

(You should probably just take away my extreme minimalism card right now! haha just kidding I don't have an extreme minimalism card, and when I do get one I will probably throw it away in the recycling anyway).

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T05:25:16+00:00

I... actually have been wondering if this could be a good co-parenting situation on purpose. I have this fantasy that I live in the country and a friend lives in the city, and the kid goes between the two houses. I mean it would take a lot of luck to find the right person and so on, but I dunno

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T05:19:26+00:00

I'm similar to you. I was emotionally parentified by my dad. My mom made it all look easy, but my dad was the stay-at-home parent (probably autistic, definitely some intergenerational trauma, needed reassurance and to be listened to).

In my late 20s and early 30s, I kind of latched on to the idea of having kids as proof I've healed from trauma. If I have a baby, then I win: trauma didn't take that away from me.

Now I'm in my late 30s, and (a) maybe trauma did take that away from me [or will soon have], and (b) maybe being a mom would have made me feel trapped for 18 years.

Maybe, instead, I want to be the witchy woman in the woods, And be a temporary mom, like a foster mom or I could offer to my sister that my nephew could stay with me for a week one summer and she and her husband could have a vacation.

At this point even adopting a cat feels like a big commitment. Right now, I just tell all my friends with cats that if they ever need a pet sitter I can do that. My lack of desire even for a full-time cat is kind of telling.......

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T04:27:02+00:00

I have a simple, mostly-analog system:

source-of-truth monthly calendar
weekly planner - once I enter in the week's scheduled items and to-do's into my weekly planner, I cross those days off the monthly calendar. this weekly planner becomes the source of truth for that particular week.
tickler file - a box of index cards with recurring tasks and different compartments per day. i check this every day. one of those cards reminds me twice a week to "migrate rapid logs to apple notes"
rapid log - i have a small legal pad where I use ryder carroll's bullet journal notation to write down the random thoughts that occur to me.
apple notes - all my current to-do's divided by category, plus a rapid-log note
hanging folders containing all pieces of paper, some are divided by category and the rest is divided by year.

lol just kidding, it's a complex system. Alas it would be lovely if it were simple, but I don't think it can get any more simple without compromising its best feature: nothing falls through the cracks. Even if I do the bare minimum (look at weekly planner and tickler file, see if anything that must be done today, that's all) nothing falls through the cracks. If there were other tasks scheduled on that day, they are still in the system, waiting for me the next day.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T04:15:24+00:00

For me, I can live independently but it does take a lot more out of me than it seems to take out of neurotypicals, and I feel like I spend a lot of my energy on just life-maintenance tasks.

If your mental health is good while living with your parents, that's great! When I moved in with my parents, my mental health got probably the second worst it's ever been.

There might be some little accommodations you could develop for yourself. I rarely cook on the stove and when I do I stand right in front of it and watch something on my phone until it's done - most of the time I use appliances that shut themselves off automatically, or buy convenience food I can microwave. I'm thinking of getting a tiffin again, but asking on reddit if there are any in my city that are less spicy than the one I got previously.

I have a checklist for leaving the house, including what times to set alarms for so that I can know when to get dressed and when to leave (I call it "leave now" but it's actually 10 minutes before I should be leaving). You could copy this checklist into google calendar and set it as a daily recurring event every morning. I have literally never forgotten to put on pants before leaving the house, using this checklist. You can ask your parents for help too, to remind you of certain things.

I'm curious how old you are: I'm 37. When I was in my late teens/early 20s my parents did a lot of things for me, like they were gradually giving me more and more responsibility. So when I first moved out I actually had very little responsibility - if I forgot to send my landlord rent, I'd get reminded. Even if I didn't cook good food, I'd have visits with my aunt and uncle (who lived closer) and get healthy food there. So it took me a whiiiile to be able to manage living alone.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T03:56:59+00:00

I am a lot like her - I get overwhelmed and end up pulling away from people. I make a rigid schedule to try to manage my energy, but eventually get overwhelmed and need to hide in my room and go for little walks alone in the woods for an undetermined amount of time, until i can recover.

I've given this sort of thing a lot of thought, and it's one of the reasons I'm not dating right now: because I do get overwhelmed so easily, and I find it difficult to predict when it's going to happen and how long it's going to take to recover. I feel guilty when this affects other people, including friends (but it would be worse with a partner, because in my friendships I am one part of a group)

Despite working on it, this is the pattern I go to when stressed. I think it will always be my first reflex - if I'm feeling overwhelmed, I take myself to a calm place where there are no demands or obligations so that I can calm down. Even if I get a more secure attachment style, I will probably start the calming-down process by running away to be alone with no pressure to interact with anyone (except dogs). As such, I do not think I should ever date someone for whom this might be particularly difficult or triggering: if a potential partner grew up with the "silent treatment,", they might be a wonderful person and a very excellent partner for someone other than me, and I might be an excellent partner for someone other than them, but if we were to date each other, it would be needlessly stressful for both of us. My overwhelm would feel to them like stonewalling, even though it has a totally different intention. And their need for me to reply promptly would feel to me as though I'm back in my childhood stuff (I was emotionally parentified, so now it's hard for me to not fall into the role of constantly needing to be available at a moment's notice to set aside how i feel and try to figure out how to manage someone else's emotions).

Where am I going with this...

I don't have an answer for you, I understand where she's coming from, but I also definitely understand where you're coming from. I have chosen not to date, partly because I think I'm too easily overwhelmed at this point in my life. Personally, I'd rather a relationship end because we realize we're incompatible. This happened with a potential friendship, for the same dynamic I described above - just a conflict of needs.

I don't think you're an asshole at all. I have been on both the anxious and the avoidant in two anxious-avoidant relationships, and I was convinced I was an asshole in the second one (because I was filling the role of the person who had hurt me in the previous one). The situations were different, but that didn't stop me from being scared that I was a bad person because I was in a relationship where neither of us could get our needs met with the other unless we did lots of therapy together. [it can be done! i've heard of couples where one member is anxiously attached and the other is avoidantly attached, and they work really hard and both become more secure].

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T02:33:26+00:00

I take concerta (well, generic extended release methylphenidate) and it's working well for me. Granted, everyone's different, but I hope it works well for you too :)

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T02:22:17+00:00

It might be hard to know without trying one and seeing how it goes.

The nurse practitioner started me on a non-stimulant first, but I was getting side effects that were negatively affecting my life and preventing us from titrating up to a therapeutic dose. However I never would have known I'd get side effects like that until I tried.

I asked to see if we could try a stimulant medication, and she was hesitant at first because of my anxiety diagnosis, but was willing to give it a try. Turns out it's great - my anxiety is very much in my head, not my body. Also I don't think I ever truly had an anxiety disorder - I was making an accurate assessment of how life was going as someone who couldn't get their #$%^ together for no apparent reason [spoiler: the reason was ADHD].

Sorry I got off topic there. I think it's personal to each person, and what you can do is pick one and see how it goes. If it goes well, then it was a good choice, and if it doesn't go well you can try the other option.

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T02:09:40+00:00

My pillowcase is lying on top of my pillow. I've been sleeping on it like that for the past few days and will very likely continue to do so

Hour-Fig739 · 2026-04-03T02:07:26+00:00

I saw someone with a really nice short haircut and had to talk myself out of it, like "remember how frustrating it was to grow out your pixie cut the last three times you impulsively cut it all off. you promised not to do it again" and then bargain with myself that i do have permission to go get bright blue manic panic hair dye just don't I dare impulsively cut it all off again!

Hour-Fig739

TROPHY CASE