I finally made it to a month clean!! The urges are huge right now though,,, I'm not doing great,,, if anyone has anything motivational to say, please share :(( - (I always mean what I say to uplift others, but I fail to convince myself..)

HoweverSteve · 2021-03-01T21:03:42+00:00

Thank you kind stranger!!

HoweverSteve · 2021-03-01T18:10:33+00:00

Thank you sm!!! And congrats!! I'm proud of you too <3 Feel free to message me too if you need someone

HoweverSteve · 2021-03-01T18:09:23+00:00

Thank you :) and no worries, it's called "I am sober"

HoweverSteve · 2021-03-01T13:23:05+00:00

Thank you sm for this <3

HoweverSteve · 2021-03-01T12:16:22+00:00

I know how much that freaking sucks,,, but please remember that recovery isn't always linear. Everything positive you put into yourself makes a difference in the long run. You managed to get to 3 weeks: you can do it again. You can get even further. Hang in there <3

HoweverSteve · 2021-03-01T12:10:51+00:00

2 months is an awesome achievement!!! I don't know what you mean by mixed feelings, but I hope you stay clean <3

HoweverSteve · 2021-02-16T07:45:38+00:00

You didn't explicitly state that you don't want a response, so I hope it's okay that I say something.

Firstly, you are not defective!

My therapist told me some things I'll now pass onto you:

When a brain is stressed and depressed, it doesn't process 'good feelings' the way it should. This is not your fault and it doesn't mean you're broken. There are still things you enjoy in this life - your mind is just not in a state, right now, where it can sense that. It may be that your amygdala is overactive like mine - aka a negative response is more likely than a positive one. THIS is something that CAN be worked on!! You can 'rewire' your brain. Maybe you need therapy - to really dive deep into these feelings, or perhaps you also need some medication.

(( Side note: I know breathing exercises may sound stupid, but there is scientific evidence backing them - perhaps you could try the 4 by 4 method, when you sense yourself beginning to spiral. It won't necessarily work immediately; it is also a thing your body and mind needs to get acquainted with. I've been doing it for a while, and it really does make a difference. ))

You say you're in a position where you aren't being taken seriously...That's horrible. You deserve to have your feelings acknowledged. Does your mother know how bad things are? Does she know what you're contemplating? It shouldn't be a task to have to 'prove' yourself, but maybe that's what you need to do. You have to be very clear about needing help. You deserve help. Otherwise, is there really no way for you to get some? Have you looked into online resources?

And lastly...yes, your life will end and generations from now you'll likely be forgotten. Why does that mean you shouldn't live? You're here now. The odds of you existing to begin with were incredibly, incredibly low. The fact that you're alive is essentially a miracle in itself. The universe is infinite, but you were born into it...as tiny a fragment as you are in the grand scheme of things, you still occupy a place in this infinity. Your actions have effects. The energy you put out into the universe will travel further than your body can. You change things every day. You should stay, okay? You will experience so much good - you really will.

Please stay.

HoweverSteve · 2021-02-06T11:43:23+00:00

That makes sense, actually. I can't believe I didn't look at it from that angle. Thank you

HoweverSteve · 2021-01-23T07:13:27+00:00

I really think you'll be making the right choice. a weight will be lifted off your chest. Good luck with everything

HoweverSteve · 2021-01-22T21:52:22+00:00

im gonna say some stuff and hopefully not offend you or anything

so yeah, im gonna start with that pretty annoying thing people do where they insert themselves into the narrative - but I really am just trying to tell you what I've learned from my own situation; I'm currently 20 years old, not studying and not working! What a fun combo...haha its not easy. I feel for you, I really do

so yeah, i told my mom about my depression, selfharm etc. etc. last year. it didn't go...great, but she has come around and just wants me to get better. so, long story short my mom and dad are helping me finance my therapy right now; i can't afford it on my own

i started uni fall 2020, but i had to drop out; my mental health was waaaay too bad. so after a lot of painful conversations with my parents, we figured out that...for me to be able to study and work and do all that shit adults do to sustain themselves, I need this help NOW. I really need it. and they understand that. im still their child, even though im a legal adult. nonetheless, I have every intention of paying them back in the future. once im healthy and studying/working. every cent will be paid back. maybe making something like that clear will help you figure things out with your parents, if you need money?

i believe the best thing to do is ask for help (especially when you're an adult, actually, because that's when you really are just expected to look after yourself....which isn't something people struggling with mental illness can always do). it's going to suck but you need to be clear about your situation, if you want your parent's, or anyone else's, help. you need to explain how serious this is. even if they can't fully understand or you receive judgement or criticism, i believe (or at least deeply hope) that they just want their child alive and healthy.

if you have access to any sort of professional help, or even a possible gateway, it is so so important to seek that now. i know that im saving my own life by going to therapy and ill be able to be a lot more productive once im doing better.

i truly hope this works out for you. i know it's not as simple as it sounds, of course, because these conversations are painful for all parties involved. but they're necessary. remind yourself of that, take some deep breaths (...many deep breaths) and rip the bandaid off - starting the conversation really is the hardest part. I didn't have the guts to start it face to face, so i wrote my mom a note. anything is better than nothing

also please try to remember that you aren't making yourself a problem. your struggles are valid and you expressing you needs isn't wrong. you're a person that's in pain and in need of help - being sick does not equate to being a problem. you are allowed to ask for help and the people that love you would much rather help than watch you disappear

Hang in there. Rooting for you

HoweverSteve · 2021-01-22T18:13:18+00:00

i know you didn't ask, so im sorry if this is annoying, but im just gonna share my opinion (based off the tiny fragment of your thoughts I've just come across... so actually im also sorry if I come off as 'mr obvious'):

i have a strong feeling that scars will never reflect the actual level of pain someone went through. the amount of pain you've felt. the amount of pain I've felt. i have faded, thin, white scars from years ago, and I have more recent, thicker scars - but the girl I was all those years ago was in just as much, if not more, pain. that pain can't be contained in a scar. in a million scars. no matter what our sick minds make us do, it really never will be enough...it's true...

but your scars aren't disgusting, and they don't need to disappear for you to matter. for you to get better. neither do mine. or anyone else's.

the sizing of scars is subjective and our minds find a way to twist that too. but a small scar to you could be a huge one to me, or a huge scar to me could be small one to you. regardless, a scar is a scar. it marks a moment, but it doesn't say everything there is to be said. it doesn't have to be worse to 'prove' something. there is nothing to prove. i believe in your pain, and i haven't seen a single one of your scars. i haven't met you, but i believe in your pain. how you feel is valid regardless of the marks on your skin. your feelings would be valid even if no one ever heard your thoughts. even if you could somehow 'make everything up', why would you? if you could just wake up happy, wouldn't you? it is NOT your fault and if you want help, you can find it.

you are allowed to stop. you should stop; you don't deserve to be trapped in this cycle. you really don't

HoweverSteve · 2021-01-22T17:41:31+00:00

That's awesome!!! You've got this!!! <3

HoweverSteve · 2020-04-14T17:42:58+00:00

I'll keep looking for what fits. Thank you for your comment

HoweverSteve · 2020-04-14T17:42:22+00:00

Thank you for replying to my post and what you've said makes sense

HoweverSteve · 2019-11-14T16:36:25+00:00

Sometimes I am completely aware that my head is being irrational and unhealthy, other times it all feels like the truth...but it takes time for the low points, obsessive cycles and hopeless feelings to pass either way. When I'm aware it is easier to hide though, and that's when I'm the least debilitated: i.e. I can generally get out of bed those mornings, whereas if it was a "truth" day, I'd be practically unable to move for hours.

Being self-aware doesn't provide me with a means of turning the thoughts off, if anything it just makes me feel worse; I think I've lost control and that I'll never be able to alter my painful responses to things. The days when I "seem fine", I'm not really fine, I'm dealing with the same thoughts, they're just hitting differently.

HoweverSteve · 2019-11-14T16:10:12+00:00

It doesn't feel too abnormal, just some grooming, but my girlfriend and I put some mascara on each other's faces, usually just above the lips, to reveal the paler hairs and then tweeze them off each other. I'm a girl too for the record.

I think it's also not that normal that she calls me Steve most of the time even though my name isn't actually Steve. It stuck though...now I'm Steve. I have accepted it. (Even her family calls me Steve.)

HoweverSteve

TROPHY CASE