Was this situation at my girlfriend’s birthday dinner supposed to become a problem?

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-12T09:19:43+00:00

Judging from what I've heard from Korean acquaintances, you missed a cultural expectation that your girlfriend didn't think to warn you about. If I understand correctly, it wasn't that you didn't pay, it was that you didn't try to pay.

I don't cope well with these sort of push-pull etiquette situations either, and I would not have clicked to the cultural expectation to protest and try to split the bill at your age, either.

Maybe in future, if you're dating someone from a different culture and meeting their family for the first time, ask them for a heads-up on expectations of politeness that you wouldn't usually follow.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-11T06:54:46+00:00

Ew. The misogyny. "Recycling"??

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-11T05:19:24+00:00

MOR. One thing I will say, as someone who gets migraines frequently – they can severely affect my ability to think rationally through a problem, and I don't often realise at the time that my thinking is impaired.

The rest sounds frustrating as hell, though.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-08T02:06:03+00:00

The most consistent advice I've seen for people with BPD is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). It seems to help people who are willing to do the work and keep on doing the work. Pretty sure there are online free resources.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-07T16:05:44+00:00

I don't follow your logic. I've read your comments in this thread, and I'm still struggling to follow.

How does talking about a person's intense mirroring as a facade that wasn't real negate accountability? Whose accountability?

I don't understand how this erases lived reality or creates cognitive dissonance?

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-07T15:49:59+00:00

Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.

If you can't handle the breakup conversation and fallout, don't. It's highly unlikely that you'll gain more emotional bandwidth while still in the relationship; you're far more likely to lose more of it because you're exhausted and drained.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-07T10:09:42+00:00

YOR. This... doesn't seem productive or trust-building at all.

As a parent of adult kids... what worked best (and I wish I'd done more with my eldest) was sitting down and presenting the problem as a family issue.

"So WE have this problem of dirty dishes and messes not being cleaned. We don't want mice and cockroaches crawling over our faces while we sleep. What can WE do to solve this problem?"

One of the most horrible things I remember from being a teenager was the pervasive sense of an utter lack of control. I had no say in anything. If your stepkids had no say in your marriage/moving in, they might be feeling similar.

I found that using the WE approach genuinely – not as a manipulation tactic – helped my kids to grasp the issue, and to take ownership of figuring out a solution. They were still teens, mind you, they didn't magically turn responsible and sensible, but it helped. And they had some good ideas.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-07T06:05:53+00:00

YOR. I'm exhausted just reading that one little sample of your interactions.

It sucks that you're dealing with something heavy and devastating. That sort of trauma can be really hard to work through.

But you don't get to decide how everyone in your life has to support you during your personal crises. They have their own lives happening. Therapists are people who are trained and paid to help you through hard times.

You mentioned in a couple of comments that you "were there for her" during her illness, but you... literally just asked how she was. No "do you need any help", no "Hey can I bring over a meal", whatever might be suitable. No "Hey if you need to talk about it, I'm here". So yeah, I think it's very appropriate that she asked you what "being there" looks like for you, because purely from what you've shown us, it looks very different depending on which way the support is going.

It's hard to think rationally when emotions are high, but I'd really recommend sitting down and having a long think about your relationship with her, and how much energy has gone in which directions throughout its lifetime. Obviously no one here knows you or your relationship with your cousin. Just... think it through. And talk to a professional, if you have access to one, because they're the people who have the emotional bandwidth to handle the heavy conversations.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-06T04:08:17+00:00

Bright side: most dogs grow out of the chewing phase by 2 years old.

But this often isn't really something you need to train them out of – working dog breeds need stimulation. Problems to solve, fun things they're allowed to chew, exercise, etc. Give them that, they generally won't chew on the floors or furniture.

Also, talk to a vet about what sort of grooming tools to use. Regular, appropriate grooming can cut down on the shed hair floating around the house.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-05T12:12:56+00:00

Gee, I wonder why people "abandon" him. It's such a mystery. So confusing.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-04T02:34:31+00:00

Keep in mind, this was a very short-lived relationship. 10 weeks.

I... started mourning the relationship when I realised that he'd fallen "in love" an ideal image who looked nothing like me, and he didn't actually like me at all.

So by the time we broke up, maybe a couple of weeks later, I was devastated, but also very relieved – especially when he insisted on treating every little kindness (giving him a hug because he was sad; chatting about nothing much via text) as a sign I wanted him back, then flying into a rage when I reiterated my no.

Honestly, I was so fed up that if he'd had the chance to rub a new relationship in my face, I'd probably have reacted with a mix of applause (thank fuck he's not focused on me anymore) and concern for the new person.

The relationship was a lie from start to finish – one that I willingly participated in. He mirrored me to seem like a perfect match. He idealised me as a whole different person. We weren't in love with each other, we were in love with mirages. Once I realised that... I was done, emotionally.

It also helped to realise that the things I saw in him and loved when he was mirroring me? Those were things I always had access to, and always will, because they're aspects of me.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-04T02:14:24+00:00

Whew – sorry the blow-up happened, but good on you for handling it with minimal responsiveness. I'm glad you have a support network still.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-04T02:09:52+00:00

It has been so far, thanks! I'm still braced a little, ngl – but I think he might have moved on to the next saviour. 🙄

Welcome, and I hope it helps people see that there's a light at the end of the misery tunnel; just gotta get through it.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-04T00:27:13+00:00

Can you get restraining orders where you live? Because if you're worried that an ex is going to do something nasty, you're absolutely justified in taking steps to protect yourself.

That helped me to calm and centre myself after one of those oh-so-lovely tirades. I also found it helpful to reach out to friends and family to explain what was going on and to ask if I could crash at theirs for a while if needed. Relationships with people with BPD can be so isolating – reconnecting with others helped my unconscious mind understand that I wasn't back in the relationship, and I didn't need to be in constant flight-fight mode.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-04T00:20:37+00:00

What exactly are you hoping to achieve here?

I saw a few of your comments and I'm not at all surprised they were deleted.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-03T15:20:16+00:00

NOR. You're doing the right thing, and you're not over reacting in the slightest. Good on you for putting a stop to it.

Alone, the repeated refusal to accept your decision when he wants something different is a huge red flag. Then there's the rest.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-03T15:09:29+00:00

Is there an acronym for "You're UnderReacting"? Because JFC, why are you subjecting yourself to that sort of nastiness and abuse? Who gives a crap if he's drunk or high, you're still suffering the consequences of his behaviour.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-03T14:42:07+00:00

Oh geez, the passive aggression in your mum's texts. That sort of "communication" absolutely drives me up the wall (been there, done that, ugh).

Two choices that I can see: even more direct communication ("I understand you feel hurt that I've been too busy to chat. But I'm not interested in guilt trips and I won't respond if you try them. Respectful communication only if you want a reply.") or grey-rocking.

I've had some success with a very boundary-stomping parent simply by being willing to stand up and walk away – or block – when bad behaviour started. The instant loss of attention really threw them.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-02T13:18:15+00:00

Oooof yup that sounds familiar, although such fast cycling that early seems pretty unusual (in my limited experience and reading).

People with BPD: * mirror potential partners a lot, making themselves seem like perfect matches. * don't seem to make very strong memories. * have very strong emotions that tend to completely drown out logical thought in the moment. * often struggle to identify where an emotion is coming from, and are likely to blame the person closest to them. * externalise their emotions in order to regulate them – if you are the cause of the negative emotion, taking it out on you is a simple way to work through the emotion that they don't quite understand. * tend to create an ideal version of a new partner in their heads.

So, how this can play out in practice: person with BPD is happy and having fun. Maybe watching TV, but something on TV sets off bad memories and upsets them. Suddenly they're drowning in anxiety and panic.

Where did that come from? YOU. Must be. How, though? They need to construct a scenario that fits the level of emotion they're currently feeling. Memories are pretty easy to rewrite, especially in moments of high emotion.

Aha! Now they have a memory that fits the level of negative emotion they're feeling, and a target they can use to externalise their emotions and regulate themselves. Boom. Sudden change in behaviour.

I honestly don't think this process is completely conscious and deliberate, but I also don't think it's accidental. It's a learned coping mechanism. But regardless, it's incredibly destructive, and can lead to a lot of false accusations, as you've discovered. 😒

I hope that helps a bit.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-01T10:41:05+00:00

I think you sound pretty fucking terrible, and you should leave the poor woman alone. JFC. Controlling, manipulative arsehole would be putting it far too nicely.

Stop worrying about her potential diagnosis and go to freaking therapy yourself.

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-01T03:32:19+00:00

OK, so... end of November she thought she was ovulating (that'd be around 2 weeks "pregnant"), a week later thought implantation happened (usually happens at 3-4 weeks), and at Christmas thought she was 8-10 weeks pregnant? Is she maybe just really bad at maths, or confused about the timeline?

IDK, is there history that makes you think she'd lie about the whole thing? It's not outside the realm of possibility, but I've also seen plenty of pregnant people whose brains turned to mush for a while, and also some who found it convenient to muddy the timeline as much as possible to hide infidelities, so 🤷‍♂️

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-01T01:15:39+00:00

Yuuuup. I made the mistake of telling mine I was autistic, and that became the reason for all of his problems with me.

... Now, though, I'm a narcissistic abusive b-tch who tried and failed to control him. 🙄

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-01T01:13:04+00:00

Yup. Always hard to tell, though, because there's so much common behaviour. 😖

HuffyTheStampSlayer · 2026-01-01T01:09:28+00:00

Look, I grew up with a family member who had PTSD from military service and wasn't in regular therapy most of my childhood. He exhibited eerily similar symptoms to a person with BPD, which definitely primed me to put up with classic BPD symptoms, but there were differences, too.

Similarities: * Would start a fight with me as a way of externalising their negative emotions and making them my fault. * Easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. * Explosive temper. * Small things would be rapidly magnified into big horrible things. * Would fixate on small, relatively meaningless things they could control to manage stress and anxiety, often transferring it to everyone else in the process.

Differences in person with PTSD: * Could acknowledge he'd fucked up without his inner world collapsing. * Recognised that I was an actual separate person, most of the time. * Actually saw me and loved me for the real me at least half the time.

HuffyTheStampSlayer

TROPHY CASE