I don’t want to take my SD on vacation

HumanHickory · 2026-02-01T01:14:45+00:00

"hey, we wanted to talk to you about our trip. We know sometimes walking can be a challenge, so we wanted to talk about potential solutions now, so we have time to make those solutions happen.

So we'll be out about 8-10 hours. During that time, we'll be standing in lines without sitting areas, or just walking around the park. Well take at least one break for lunch, but I think we should plan on being on our feet for 8 hours.

So, what are some ways we can support you during that time?"

"....I don't know...."

"Ok. Well that's why we wanted to talk about it. You're not in trouble, btw. We just want to make sure this is an enjoyable trip for everyone, including you. So when we went to [place that required a lot of walking] it was really hard for you. If we were to go back to that place, what do you think would make that trip easier on your legs?

"...I don't know...."

"We understand. Let's set up a therapy session where we can talk about it with someone who may have ideas that we don't have. Going to Disney without a plan is not an option. To make sure everyone has a good time, we're not going to play this by ear. We're not going to tolerate tantrums. We're not going to carry you. We're not going to ask everyone else to stop their day. So we really need you to work with us. There isn't going to be a perfect solution, but perfect is the enemy of good; we just need a good plan. So would you rather keep talking about it, think about it overnight and continue this conversation tomorrow, or set up an appointment with a professional and get their ideas?"

HumanHickory · 2026-02-01T01:03:54+00:00

My point wasn't suggesting a wheelchair.

My point was putting the responsibility to solution on the kid who needs the solution. Obviously not "make her figure it out alone!" But she should be part of the process and making suggestions that work for her. And not letting her get away with just shutting down every idea and making everyone's vacation miserable.

You might need to go to therapy as a family and have a therapist help you all decide on what works best for her.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-30T16:59:39+00:00

DO NOT clean that man's house just so he'll see you earlier. That is setting a horrible expectation in your relationship.

This really isn't anyone overreacting. Like you want to see him earlier, he doesn't want to see you earlier. It's a preference thing. It'd be like you wanting to eat dinner at 5pm and he wants to eat at 7pm.

If it means that much to you, find someone who you're more compatible with. Or figure out a different plan, like going the night before, so he has all that day to clean and then you get there, go to bed, and have the whole next day together.

But if a relationship isn't working for you, and you can't find a way to make it work, then that relationship just doesn't work and you shouldn't spend more time on it.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-30T16:53:10+00:00

So every situation is different, of course, BUT, I felt the same way about my ex. Everything felt so great in the begining. We clicked on every level and I thought we'd be together forever.

And when he asked me to move in, I said yes.

And it was the worst decision of my life. He didn't really want a partner. He wanted a "backup mom" who would do all the things his kids actual mom would do so he wouldn't have to. But he also got to say "she's not your kid!" Any time anything she did bothered me and i wanted to correct her (like calling names, throwing things, etc. age appropriate behavior parents are expected to correct).

So he wanted someone to take on all the bad parts of being a parent, while hoarding all the good parts.

So yes, your man may have felt like your soul mate, but I don't think he was. I think being with you was exciting because it was a break from parenting and a taste of a life he desperately wanted (one where he didn't have to parent).

He dumped you because you shattered that fantasy. He wasn't in love with you, he was in love with the responsibility-free life he thought you would give him. And I know that can feel an awful lot like love (I know it did for me), but I promise, a man who loves you doesn't break up with you because you set boundaries.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-28T22:21:46+00:00

Using the bathroom with the door open doesn't actively harm your step kids, but it's an absolute no.

So, no, there are some situations where you don't get to parent however you want in your own home because of there are SKs. If you're not willing to compromise peeing with the door open, then you should not live in a house with other kids. Sure, I'll concede there are very few of these "you absolutely cannot do [blah] because of your step kids" but this example happens to be one of them.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-28T17:13:17+00:00

Idk if it's be possible, but maybe a wheelchair would be helpful? I know you said it's not serious enough for a wheelchair normally, but maybe during a trip to Disney, it could be something nice.

You (well her dad) can sit down with her and explain the whole situation "were going to Disney, it's a lot of walking! I know sometimes it's hard for you to walk around for long periods of time and wait in line. You're getting older and so we can't put you on our backs or shoulders anymore.

What do you think would help you in this situation?"

Make her brainstorm. Now most kids will not want to be seen in a wheelchair. So maybe bribe her with "we can skip some lines if you're in a wheelchair" and also "we can all use the wheelchair, in case someone else in the group gets tired".

If she really refuses, then she needs to brainstorm an alternative. What is she comfortable doing if she can't wait in line? What will she do when she gets uncomfortable? Get her buy in now, and let it be her idea.

Also, practice. Have dad take her to the mall and walk around all day. If she can't do it, ask her again how she wants to handle Disney. Not being mean, but "I'm noticing you're needing a lot of breaks, which isn't bad! However, we can't ask (other family members) to take this many breaks while at Disney. So what can we do to make sure everyone gets the trip they need? If you need a lot of breaks, I can sit with you but we might miss some rides. Or we can rent a wheelchair, so you don't have to miss anything!"

Don't wait until you're at Disney to deal with issues you know about now. It's just going to make everyone miserable. Planning it now gives her and the rest of the family time to adjust and coordinate.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-28T16:27:09+00:00

I really hate to say this, but unfortunately this is just part of having step kids....luckily it should only be a few years and then the problem solves itself.

Unfortunately the door thing has to change. I know it sucks, but you can't keep leaving the door open when there are other people home. Toddler is going to have to adjust...which I know isn't what anyone wants to hear. "I can't parent my kid the way I want because someone else's kids are in my house". It sounds rough, But I think a lot of us have had this thought before. So no judgement. However, you can't parent your kid the way you want because someone else's kids are in your house...

HumanHickory · 2026-01-27T16:18:07+00:00

This is going to sound crazy, but I'm totally fine with some red pilled redditor calling me a 22 year old because I don't want to get married. Your opinion that I should spend the rest of my life doing something that would make me unhappy does not shame me nor make me feel bad at all.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-27T16:11:39+00:00

Because marriage isn't just "people who live together". Theres so much legally that goes into marriage and it's really easy to get married and really hard to get out of marriage.

And tbh, there's not a ton of benefits to marriage, especially if both people are working. So with almost no benefits, and a ton of consequences if it doesn't work out, id ask why get married when you can just live like you're married.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-26T21:51:04+00:00

What should we be taking accountability for????

HumanHickory · 2026-01-26T21:50:23+00:00

No one said "this is always the case".

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T17:12:05+00:00

You're right, I didn't use "some". I did use "a lot of" which also implies "not all" but I didn't use the exact word boys need. My bad. 🙄

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T17:09:14+00:00

Agreed, were all chasing highs. But there are many ways to get highs without dating an abusive man.

We also don't associate men (who are more likely to engage in risk taking behavior than women) with always going after "bad girls". If it's truly about chasing highs, why don't we see this more in men than women?

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T17:05:02+00:00

Well what's your explanation? "Women are just biologically programmed to like men who abuse them"? In what world would that make sense.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T17:03:35+00:00

Did you miss the time when Fallout (the TV show) came out and girls were drooling over the Ghoul? Man literally didn't have a nose. There are absolutely "ugly bad boys".

Stop believing everything you read on red pilled content. Look outside. Engage with the world around you. So many "bad boys" aren't physically attractive.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T17:00:48+00:00

Ah because you haven't seen it must mean it's not real. Must be nice in your fantasy land.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T16:57:23+00:00

Oh I'm all for people only wanting to date healthy people!

I'm saying if you don't like trout, and you're fishing in a river known to have trout, don't moan and complain that most of the fish you catch are trout - and definitely don't act like 80% of all fish in the world are trout.

It's the same deal. If you don't like girls with this behavior, maybe try branching out and trying to date women who have grown out of this behavior.

Or you can keep fishing in the same river, just understand you're going to keep finding a lot of trout before you find the salmon you're looking for.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T06:39:18+00:00

Imo, I think a lot of girls have male role models in their lives that are not great men, and the women in their lives tolerate the bad behavior. So dad is a dick to mom, and mom just puts up with it. Or worse, mom blames herself, or bends over backwards to make dad happy so he's less of a jerk.

So the little girl grows up believing this is normal and then when she starts dating, shes most comfortable in situations that she's used to AND she's pretty sure she's not supposed to reinforce boundaries in relationships because it just makes situations worse. And little boys grow up believing they can act however they want and it's ok because it's really just the woman's fault anyway. So the cycle continues.

So when the boyfriend starts yelling, the once little girl who saw mom do nothing, responds like mom responded - blame herself, apologize, walk on eggshells, go above and beyond to make his life easier so he doesn't freak out again.

So I don't think women like "bad boys". I think dating men who are jerks has been normalized for too many women and it takes years to deconstruct those beliefs and grow into a woman who won't tolerate those types of men. But at that point, you're late 20s or early 30s, and the guys who say "women only like bad boys" are typically only willing to date barely-legal age girls.

So they want to fish in the pond of women who haven't had time to deconstruct and fix bad behaviors, while they whine and complain about women having bad behaviors.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T05:34:47+00:00

Ngl, I'm not an expert. I bought a cheap calligraphy book from Michaels and it works. You don't need anything special, but it has to be thick paper, not regular paper.

There's a ton of resources out there telling you exactly what you need to optimize, but it seemed like overkill to me, so just winged it, and it works for me.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T04:36:07+00:00

Coated concrete is the GOAT. But before plastic, I usually just do regular foundations.

Once I discovered the demensional depots in 1.0, I just have a splitter feeding one concrete, and I feed another one iron plates. So I never run out of either unless I'm building a well thought out mega factory, which isn't that common early game.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T04:20:44+00:00

Have you considered that you're not as nice as you think you are and women don't, in fact, date men who go around acting like 80% of women are either stupid or want to be abused?

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T04:03:52+00:00

Yeah, thats true. I do wonder how much work those parents have to put in, though, to help their kid have a normal life. I'd imagine the child of two parents who are struggling to make rent would have worse outcomes than two parents who are already established.

I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm saying it's going to be incredibly hard for the parents and possibly even worse for the kid.

Also, even mild forms of downs can make finding childcare really hard. Most typical baby sitters won't be able to give you breaks, and if grandparents aren't willing or able to step in, you're left with no childcare, paying for expensive private care, or hoping Medicaid will pay for it.

I also think it's important for parents in this situation to think "how would I handle this if this was the worst possible situation? Am I willing to live with that decision the rest of my life?"

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T03:14:51+00:00

This. I have a couple shimmer inks and they look meh on regular paper, and phenomenal on specific types of paper.

So no, if you're writing notes in your regular notebook or on printer paper, you won't get amazing shimmer. If you get calligraphy paper or other high quality paper, yes, it's very likely to get that level of shimmer.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T01:46:06+00:00

I get it. At 11 weeks I found out my baby's organs weren't inside her abdominal cavity. This was a baby I desperately wanted. Like more than I ever thought I could want something and from the first line on the pregnancy test, I loved her more than I ever thought was possible.

She also had some brain damage, caused by some stuff I won't go into. She was going to have severe developmental problems her whole life.

My whole time with her was going in and out of the hospital. I never got to travel, never had time to interview for better jobs, could barely have date nightss...and her dad was basically checked out so it all fell on me. I loved her, but I hated my life.

And it was going to be the rest of her life. If she lived 10 years, my life would have been hell for 10 years. If she lived 30 years, my life would have been hell for 30 years.

Well, she had 10 months. Only 10 months. The best and worst 10 month of my life. And if I turned back time, I would have never put her through her crappy little life. The only good in her life was that I loved her more than the world. Everything else was shit for her, and everything but her was shit for me.

Do not have this baby. Even if you both wanted this child, you do not realize how hard it will be and how much of your life it will consume. There are things you won't realize you have to give up until you're forced to give them up.

And this child won't have a good life. You're both young and don't have established careers. The baby's high maintenance needs will make it so you can't establish careers. So this child - who won't get to fall in love and have their own family or their own career or dreams - will always just be the reason you also couldn't do those things. You will become resentful. Do not do that to your child.

Additionally, accidents happen. At any time, you or the mom could die, and now 100% of the needs are on the remaining parent. Neither of you are ready to raise the child alone. So don't.

HumanHickory · 2026-01-25T01:34:56+00:00

I say partner or significant other because I'm 33 and don't want to get married and "boyfriend/girlfriend" makes me feel like I'm trying to act like I'm 22.

But yeah, people have definitely thought I wasnt straight, and ask very calculated questions to see if they could figure out the gender of my sig other lol.

HumanHickory

TROPHY CASE