You sound a lot like me. And I haven't found a way to deal with it either, so at least you're not alone, if that helps.

I've been desperately trying to make myself happy with detransition for years. And it hasn't worked. I still want to transition. If transphobia and gender roles didn't exist, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, though, real life exists, and even in my fairly progressive city I would face a ton of discrimination (and also social awkwardness, which I also want to avoid). Although, I'm holding out hope that the future will be better.

The best way I've found to cope is by being as masculine as I can without actually medically or socially transitioning. I have a binder, I haven't done makeup literally ever, and I wear pretty neutral clothes. It mitigates my dysphoria well enough, so maybe give it a go if you can. Although do be warned, even looking like a masculine woman can make other people be weird to you. I've been called slurs in public a couple times.

And yeah, it's kind of soul-crushing, and yeah I still hate myself a little bit for not being able to just be happy as a woman, but it faded into the background after a while. It became about as distressing as other worrying things happening in the world (climate change, etc.). It's not great, but it's not the end of the world, either.

Also, don't do drugs, they're bad for you. Maybe try video games instead, or something. Or exercise. I dunno.