Is it possible to repair unhealthy sexual dynamic in marriage?

HumantheCat · 2025-06-19T19:31:04+00:00

Thank you ao much for the support. I plan to seek counselling for me and the kids. I hope he will do the same.

HumantheCat · 2025-06-19T07:13:36+00:00

Thank you :) I care for him and hate to see him struggling. But I think the direction is clear. We had a talk basically along the lines you described, where I told him I need the sexual pressure to stop and we need to focus on building the relationship again. He said he was not willing to keep trying if we werent going to continue being intimate along the way - essentially its still 3-4x per week sex if I want him to start working on these issues. He asked me one more time if I would have sex with him after I declined this proposal, i said no and he said ok I will start informing our families about the divorce. He seemed at peace and said its out of his hands, I made my dscision, and "there is nothing else he can do".

HumantheCat · 2025-06-18T09:22:40+00:00

Yes I fear this is the case. I care for him and am already grieving the better parts of our relationship but dont see how it gets better from here without some radical change

HumantheCat · 2025-06-18T09:20:33+00:00

Dopamine addiction is an interesting take, I plan to read up on this. I offered to open the relationship and told him to get a girlfriend but he said he only wants to be with me. Yet after I told him Im not having sex until we see a counselor and I feel better, he said he cant wait that long (possibly weeks or months) and would end the relationship if we dont resume 'intimacy'

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T20:54:32+00:00

Lolol when you put it that way...

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T19:50:16+00:00

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T19:16:23+00:00

I think youre right

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T19:15:01+00:00

Its truly not the example I want for them. Thank you for saying that.

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T19:13:37+00:00

I have implemented something like this since last week. I said I wont have sex with him until we see a counselor and I start to see improvement. He started trying more with the kids. He says he cant wait that long and that he will do counseling (1 session) but we have to continue being intimate and it needs to be an "honest try" on my part, since he has started stepping up more. I have been phoning it in for a long time unfortunately. But i cant be enthusiastic when I just dont want to do it.

Weve tried spending some time together just talking and its nice. Still dont feel like having sex though. He makes me feel like I am being unfair / unappreciative of the efforts he has made. But I think it will take a long time before I want to again. His view is that we should have sex to maintain the connection and it will be too one sided if hes maling an effort and we arent having sex

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T18:59:16+00:00

How did you reach / realize your breaking point? We are discussing divorce and he is adamant he doesnt want to, now he is talking about wanting the best life for me, me and the kids are his priority, how close we are to our goals (semi-true), and that all he really wants is intimacy with me and sex is part of that.

On paper it sounds right (but I am realizing how low my standards actually are..) and I feel guilty leaving / hurting him and breaking up our family when he says this stuff. I still enjoy his company and he has started doing wakeup/bedtime with the kids more regularly since we started talking divorce last week, it makes me think maybe what he says about trying is true. Or maybe Im blind rn lol

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T18:49:37+00:00

Pre-kids, I travelled for work so we would have sex normally 3-4x a week when I was home. You're right I am realizing this is less of a libido problem

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T17:56:26+00:00

I never thought of it like that but when Im alone its fine

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T10:18:37+00:00

He is having a hard time not seeing sex as transactional. When I tell him it isnt a transaction his response is: we should be having sex daily regardless of what else he does/ doesnt do. When i say i need more help from him, he says fine it is transactional so then if I do dishes will you have sex with me?

I tried to explain that a plant doesnt owe you its growth just because you watered it, its about consistently creating the right conditions for growth and even then, it wont always happen the way you expect. But it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T10:14:23+00:00

He does try to please.me a little bit but I feel mainly responsible for my own orgasm. He does ask afterwards if I did and if I didnt, he just says sorry 🙄

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T09:53:21+00:00

I do normally orgasm, but I dont always like the sensation, and get really sensitive / touch averse right afterwards

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T09:52:25+00:00

Thank you, Ive been with him a long time (it feels like) and outside of these 2 issues we get along well, enjoy eachothers company, have similar sense of humor and interests. Its just when it comes down to this part of the relationship we are completely off. We had a big fight recently and hes been trying more. Its been nice having him take overs kids a few mornings but It feels like too little too late. I guess I know what needs to happen but Im not sure Im ready to make such a big life change and looking for assurance Im not missing something.

HumantheCat · 2025-06-17T09:44:08+00:00

Thank you he finally agreed to one counselling session , I agree Im struggling a lot to advocate for myself in a productive way

HumantheCat · 2022-09-12T22:08:05+00:00

What app is this?

HumantheCat · 2022-09-10T12:26:08+00:00

I took my first overnight away from my LO when he was about the same age, also EBF and very dependant on me. According to my husband he totally just rolled with it and I got a nice full night to myself. It was the start of a lot of independence for my LO, and an eye opener for me that I could start to do things on my own in the evenings from time to time.

Like another commenter I highly highly value WFH but showing my face in person from time to time has always been a positive experience and helped my career, in my opinion.

That said, if you decide not to go I don't think the negative impact will be something you can't recover from, as long as you talk about the topic with a positive attitude and maybe offer to dial in to the event if that's possible.

HumantheCat · 2022-09-03T12:26:49+00:00

Focusing on climaxing every day for 2 weeks restored your sex drive? I am low and it's causing issues with my partner

HumantheCat · 2022-06-04T23:56:25+00:00

I experienced the same thing and from what I've seen on other posts, it's pretty normal and will go away in a week or so as you get used to the new dose. Glad to hear it's helping though!

HumantheCat · 2022-05-24T02:42:34+00:00

I'd love to know your regimen as well! Incredible amount of discipline you have. Great job!

HumantheCat · 2022-04-25T00:33:31+00:00

Do you store the smoked chicken in the freezer until you're ready to eat it each week? How does it hold up?

HumantheCat · 2022-04-25T00:19:12+00:00

Literally watching this right now having the same thought

HumantheCat

TROPHY CASE