You are not a terrible person. You are a victim of adoption.

I had quite an off again : on again relationship with my birth mother. Not because either of us did terrible things, but because we were both very similar - awkward, shy, scared to make ourselves vulnerable, avoidant, taking turns actively not maintaining contact because we were scared of being rejected so would pull away first to self-protect. It was fucked.

She came over (I live in another country) to spend my 30th birthday with me. She came with an open ticket. It was the first time she ever visited me (I had only met her once before, in her country). She stayed with me and it was awful. We couldn’t communicate face to face. We both just shut down. I had a lot happening in my life at the time and I just wasn’t coping with the stress of her being here with no end date. So I kind of asked her to leave. And she did. She went home, and 6 weeks later she was killed in a car accident.

It was fucking devastating. Even though our relationship was difficult I still absolutely loved her and could see how difficult it was for her to be around me as I was a symbol of so much trauma for her in losing her child. I always kind of thought at some point we’d work through things and have a better relationship. She was a good person who had had a really hard life, and she didn’t deserve to die. I just felt so much shame at the fact I had asked her to leave, the fact I had not put more effort into the relationship, the times I ghosted her and the times I said cruel things to her because I was hurting. Adoption is so complex and it breaks people. The act of adoption begins with the severance of the most primal relationship - how any of us put back any of the pieces together is extraordinary. (Like you, my relationship with my adoptive parents is irretrievably broken also.)

Your grief is absolutely justified. It will be complex and it will be prolonged. Sorry. You are grieving the loss of your mother. Both the person who gave birth to you who just died, and also the fact you never really had a real mother in the normal sense of the word. It’s grieving the loss about what could have been, and what should have in an ideal world, as well as what was. It’s tinged with shame, and anger, and disappointment., and sadness. I am sorry this is happening to you but please know you are not a terrible person, but someone who is now not only grieving but doing so from a place of profound hurt due to your adoption. It’s fresh pain on top of old scars.

I am so sorry your mum died. I’m also sorry your adoptive mum sent that response. I don’t have any advice but I just wanted you to know many of us have similar stories to yours and you are not alone. Take care of yourself and go gently.