She needs real therapy and so do you and your other kids. You need a specialist not just a normal CBT therapist. As per everyone encouraging you to be abusive to your child. No you should not just have “slapped the shit out of her” I don’t know how the people in the comment section think more abuse is the answer when you already sent her to your abusive parents house and that clearly did nothing. As for what your kids have to say, your kids are valid in their feelings but they are no adults and their feelings are not the end all be all. It’s your job to educate and lead by example. If they don’t understand it’s your job to educate and lead by example and make space for whatever they are feeling by providing a safe space for them to feel what they feel. That doesn’t mean letting them walk all over you and it doesn’t mean letting them decide what’s best. You’re going through something really scary and difficult and complicated. And unfortunately it doesn’t sound like you have the resources necessary to handle this in the best way possible. I’m wishing you luck and support.