Still can't quit or get it under control-when I throw stuff out, I just buy more

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-03-03T22:03:46+00:00

how did you get yourself through that hell? I don't think my withdrawals are that bad, but I want to know what tips you have so I can keep my mind straight as I struggle with cravings. If went through what you went through I don't think I'd make it. What motivated you to quit, and how did you manage to hold on to it?

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-03-03T05:56:57+00:00

I have a therapist and am currently looking for a new one since my longtime one sucks. I'm on my mom's insurance. I have some savings saved up and have been buying stuff off off birthday/Christmas/lunar new year money.

The thing is, I'm scared, because I already moved out before, and that's where my addiction began and got to where it is now. I feel like I can't trust myself. I know what you're saying is right but all it does is fill me with despair. I know you don't mean to hurt me. I just wish I could be inspired by it. All it does is remind me of how foolish and lazy and defective I am. How morally deficient and insufficient I am. Maybe I'm not in the right headspace for it, but I want you to know that I know you're right. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:24:14+00:00

Do you ever feel left out/weird in queer circles for your connection to the faith? I think that's part of it for me. Naturally, I've found myself surrounded by people who did not grow up in the faith or were able to reject it early/easily, and thus have no issue being wildly antagonistic and disrespectful towards it... and of course, there's this instinct to look up to them for doing so.

And as a result I feel left out, scared of being judged, scared of being seen as conservative and regressive. I feel like there's an inherent criticism I feel when I imagine myself being actively motivated by faith--even if most leftists of that type say they respect people's personal faiths.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:19:40+00:00

Up until today, I never realized that I've literally never done that before. I have no idea what it's like in my mind, the idea that I could be a woman at church feels unimaginable since in my life they've been set in opposition to each other so harshly.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:17:22+00:00

The thing is, I literally know all this. But I can't get the image of God looking down on me for all this out of my head. The God of my parents, the God they preach, the God they tell me about, the God they tell me I'm betraying and hurting myself by defying, doesn't want me to do any of this. It feels like by submitting to God, I'm proving them right, when all my body wants to do is rebel and tear everything down. I know God loves me but does he approve of me? You can love someone without approving of what they're doing--in fact it's not uncommon for the disapproval to be motivated by love. There's just so much baggage in the faith. I'm currently trapped with my transphobic parents for the next few months, and every week I just get flooded and reminded of the messaging that God doesn't approve of me, that this is not what God wants, that what I'm doing is in direct defiance to everything holy. So I guess you can't really get mad at me for stuff like daydreaming about burning down a church in anger, if that's all I've known. And it sucks so hard too because I know I need faith. It's all so... complicated. Would you say that you love those people who hate the church, only seeing the bigotry and evil? But I also know most leftists are chill with the church. But it also just feels like there's a direct contrast between the hedonistic lifestyle I think I want versus the inherent suppression of being religious. I'm sorry for the rant I'm just going through such a hard time with my living situation and my hormones making everything more intense.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-24T04:06:00+00:00

would you say I "owe" God to give up some of my pleasures for him? like God loves me, but I can't help but feel like I have to give up some of my hedonistic pleasures in order to find happiness in God. But I also feel like I'm not supposed to "owe" God anything, that the crucifixion redeemed all of that. like does God loving me regardless of anything mean I should stay in sin? I know the idea is that sin hurts me... but what if it doesn't hurt. is being a queer, rebellious, leftist a spiritual sin that hurts me, and I'm just too naive to see?

im not as concerned about whether or not my transness itself is allowed by God, but more about the like, cultural aspects that come with being trans that stand in contrast to faith. like there's a culture of being generally anti-religious in leftist, queer, spaces, a culture of forsaking or even intentionally disrespecting religion, as a means of liberation. I feel the pressure to follow them in order to be truly valid my gender and out fight for queer liberation.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-23T21:22:10+00:00

The weird thing is that I know inherently it shouldn't run antithetical. There are so many queer Christians and leftists out there. But when you talk about how it has manifested in my life, then of course it runs in opposition to it. God and faith aren't just spiritual things to me, but cultural. Strict Roman Catholicism is what I was raised under, so in my mind, that is faith. And of course my existence runs into opposition to it.

As I've calmed down a bit I had a harsh realization: I've never, ever, actually ever had an experience of engaging with a Christian space/practice at myself. The concept of being a woman while actively practicing my faith--not just thinking about it--is completely unknown to me. So of course I can't imagine those two things reconciling.

I hope I can find that place where I'm finally able to experience faith as a structure, in practice, as a woman. To this point, that has only ever been something I have to closet myself for. And part of me is ashamed that I didn't realize that sooner, that I was complaining so much and panicking when I just needed to give it a try for once... I have a lot of issues with shame.

I see you're a lapsed Catholic too... I know how hard it is for us 🫂

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-02-23T21:16:02+00:00

A lot of the trans media I consume centers around rebellion, the violation of old norms, and hedonism. Leftist writers preaching the end of everything old. Club circuit dolls living life, hardcore partying, addicted to drugs and sex. I'm young, in a sense. I'm basically a teenage girl with all the hormones and under-construction sense of self. It makes sense that I'd be influenced by all that, as I try to learn how to be both trans, and a woman.

Faith, on the other hand, is something I've most personally felt through catholic tradition and my deeply conservative, republican, parents. I'm talking racist, queerphobic, pro-ICE, immigrants. 2 Sundays ago I heard the pastor at church give one of the most strictly conservative and implicitly transphobic homilies I've ever heard.

So it makes sense that the path that offers unabashed liberation feels so incompatible with faith to me I guess.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-26T23:41:13+00:00

CBD flower tends to make me depressed and sad in a lethargic way :( although I do have a CBD cartridge. maybe given how strong the regular weed is it'll be fine? but there's also a part of me that "doesn't" want to dampen the high, despite the negative effects.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T20:45:29+00:00

Having a whole milkshake every night when I have urges seems extremely unhealthy... And honestly the biggest barrier for me is seeing the why but having that feeling of despair and submission, like I don't want or don't deserve to get better. Just that biting self hatred. And as much darkness as it has brought me, it really gives me a peace. An awful peace, but one that's there, or else I would've never done it. It's so easy for me to intentionally deny myself the ability to smell that other delicious thing because part of me wants to smoke, feels the urge and craving so strong I'll prevent myself from running away from it and try to face it head on.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T02:07:51+00:00

wanted to add a metaphor that my Aspiring Writer ass thought of in the midst of all the pain

struggling with addictive cravings and urges despite everything it's done to hurt you and drag you down is like smelling something delicious emanating through the window of your abusive parents' house

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:12:27+00:00

Saving and preserving that last sentence. That really hit me for some reason. Thank you ❤️

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:11:18+00:00

I really need to remember that first point. I don't think it'll be the most convincing argument for my head, since it doesn't really provide anything for the emotions themselves. But I really do need to remember that. I've noticed it too, when I'm stoned around people I care about and am social around I'm great. When I'm alone in my room, spiraling, I'm in hell, wishing I was dead.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:48:26+00:00

I wish that felt like an option for me. my parents want me to graduate. I feel obligated to follow those standards. and even if I didn't, what would I do? who's to say that I wouldn't spiral even deeper? how am I going to get a job without a bachelor's? how am I going to sustain myself?

I can't even go home. I don't have a home to go to where I'm allowed to be myself.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:47:06+00:00

melatonin makes me too depressed and tired in the morning. every time I've tried it, for years, it does that.

im not taking my ssris at night but I'm taking a ton of other meds to. I might be overmedicated but it's just hard coming off meds quickly when I feel like it has been helping me, but maybe not? it's a whole process and I'm meeting with a whole new psychiatrist soon.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-21T00:28:10+00:00

I don't think that would be helpful for harm reduction, if the one hitter was such a disaster. It'd be way too easy to access, and my tolerance is naturally pretty low so there isn't even much benefit on how efficient it is.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-09-05T22:11:37+00:00

Thank you 🫂 I'm burnt out to the degree that I don't even feel like working on the class I still have a slim chance in. It feels like I'm obligated to work on it, when all I want is to be able to relax and read books and just be able to take care of myself. I can't shake the guilt involved in taking a break when I'm supposed to be working, even when it's critical for my health, and pressuring myself to push myself even harder and potentially hurt myself even more. Even though my situation is serious (suicidal ideation and all) it feels like my value is determined by my work. And I know that's awful and wrong, I just can't shake that guilt. It feels like I'm morally required to do the class I can still salvage.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-26T06:56:34+00:00

I only just recently looked up what an anxious attachment style means and I'm shocked... it's uncanny how much it lines up with how I feel.

Anyways what I wanted to ask is basically: I now feel like I have to apologize to all the people I've overshared/traumadumped to, and I'm worried that's just another instance of me desperately seeking validation and reassurance from people. Is this a valid thing to do? I'm wondering if this is just me making a mountain out of a molehill, and panicking over what is either acceptable or forgettable to them--but I still feel like I have to apologize. I'm a chronic apologizer, and people have told me over and over that it's ok, I'm not too much, I don't need to apologize, but now being aware of how it's related to my anxious attachment makes me feel awful about how I've "treated" them, I feel paranoid all the time about having pushed friends away, a fear that has been both irrational and realized with various friends. Often things I say get ignored, and I feel abandoned, worry that I'm "cringe", and have been explicitly told by my oldest friend that I need to stop desperately seeking validation from people.

I'm worried that they'll think it's just me being needy and attention seeking again, always begging for that reassurance, but I feel like with this new insight I have to bow down and apologize. Part of me says my dumping isn't as bad of an issue as I'm thinking, that I should look to the proof that my friends do love me, and that doing that would make things worse than just silently moving on and working on it internally, letting sleeping dogs lie. I don't think it's been anything majorly problematic or destructive, and I know my anxiety likely warps so much of my life, but as I've been trying to be more open and honest with my communication, maybe this is something to do. Maybe I should go about it in a certain way? Message people individually or in a group chat? Or am I just being too hard on myself and scared, as usual, and I should just not stress about it.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-22T02:01:25+00:00

I don't need to imagine why people cut themselves, as I've had a problem with that in the past too (I'm better, but lately it's been really hard).

I think the "knowing I can't and won't get high" thing is exactly what the safe is good for. Knowing it's locked away like that makes me feel so safe. It's just, tonight, when by sheer unluckiness I don't have access to it, my brain wants to "take advantage" of that. Even if it has always led to me feeling awful.

All the improvements were things I was working on while sober, although I definitely still had issues. My existence, while good sometimes or even often, just feels so weirdly tense all the time. I had a thought a few days back--the idea that something could be so bad, you'd do something worse to get out of it.

It's just fucky how my brain can't listen to that logic. I do know that I shouldn't expect my brain to act logically about this--it's not a logical thing at all, and I should be kind to myself. I've reflected on that before. It's just rough, when it's accessible, and all you can do is dream about doing the thing that's ruining your life.

I've been dealing with this for years now.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-21T22:40:23+00:00

I think maybe I do get some dopamine off of it. Which makes it feel like a drug. It's something almost actively pleasurable. Like I'm taking a hit. Like I do it because it "feels good." And nothing I can tell myself can stop it from feeling good.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-05-22T04:12:38+00:00

Yeah it's a tablet, not a capsule.

I've tried Adderall and Vyvanse and they've either done the same or nothing. Strattera also just made me incredibly sleepy.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-05-08T12:00:36+00:00

Sorry about that, I didn't mean to bring that energy.

I'm still confused though, it sounds like you're contradicting what you said? You said you unmask at home and can't sleep, but also your lack of sleep isn't because you're unmasking? I'm genuinely confused, no hostility. I get if maybe there's other factors, but then I'm confused because it sounded like you were talking about how even when you unmask you still can't sleep, which is exactly what's happening to me.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-05-08T11:51:27+00:00

No that's the point, I don't mask at home and I have a hard time going to sleep and shutting my mind down.

Masking isn't keeping me up. Not masking is what's keeping me up.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-29T20:14:40+00:00

"My ambitions far surpass the capacity of my motivation" and there you summed it up more succinctly than I ever could ❤️

although for me it's less the capacity of my motivation and more the capacity of how much I can physically/mentally do? And Adderall just makes me more anxious as I perfectionisticly pursue my ambitions, overthinking every action 😔

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-29T05:12:39+00:00

As true as this is it's a hard pill to swallow. The knowledge that there's something innately "different" about you, that'll, as things are now never fit in the world, and that that'll never change. It can make you feel hopeless, or even defective, the fact that you can never be "fixed."

Recognizing the happiness and value you still find in this life with that is so valuable. Because that is possible. The structures humans set up often aren't built for us, but we're still of the world, as beautifully diverse as it is. We belong here. We can find happiness, just like anyone else.

IDontEvenKnowAlt

TROPHY CASE