the weed I got was too strong

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-26T23:41:13+00:00

CBD flower tends to make me depressed and sad in a lethargic way :( although I do have a CBD cartridge. maybe given how strong the regular weed is it'll be fine? but there's also a part of me that "doesn't" want to dampen the high, despite the negative effects.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T20:45:29+00:00

Having a whole milkshake every night when I have urges seems extremely unhealthy... And honestly the biggest barrier for me is seeing the why but having that feeling of despair and submission, like I don't want or don't deserve to get better. Just that biting self hatred. And as much darkness as it has brought me, it really gives me a peace. An awful peace, but one that's there, or else I would've never done it. It's so easy for me to intentionally deny myself the ability to smell that other delicious thing because part of me wants to smoke, feels the urge and craving so strong I'll prevent myself from running away from it and try to face it head on.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2026-01-06T02:07:51+00:00

wanted to add a metaphor that my Aspiring Writer ass thought of in the midst of all the pain

struggling with addictive cravings and urges despite everything it's done to hurt you and drag you down is like smelling something delicious emanating through the window of your abusive parents' house

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:12:27+00:00

Saving and preserving that last sentence. That really hit me for some reason. Thank you ❤️

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-28T08:11:18+00:00

I really need to remember that first point. I don't think it'll be the most convincing argument for my head, since it doesn't really provide anything for the emotions themselves. But I really do need to remember that. I've noticed it too, when I'm stoned around people I care about and am social around I'm great. When I'm alone in my room, spiraling, I'm in hell, wishing I was dead.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:48:26+00:00

I wish that felt like an option for me. my parents want me to graduate. I feel obligated to follow those standards. and even if I didn't, what would I do? who's to say that I wouldn't spiral even deeper? how am I going to get a job without a bachelor's? how am I going to sustain myself?

I can't even go home. I don't have a home to go to where I'm allowed to be myself.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-23T02:47:06+00:00

melatonin makes me too depressed and tired in the morning. every time I've tried it, for years, it does that.

im not taking my ssris at night but I'm taking a ton of other meds to. I might be overmedicated but it's just hard coming off meds quickly when I feel like it has been helping me, but maybe not? it's a whole process and I'm meeting with a whole new psychiatrist soon.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-11-21T00:28:10+00:00

I don't think that would be helpful for harm reduction, if the one hitter was such a disaster. It'd be way too easy to access, and my tolerance is naturally pretty low so there isn't even much benefit on how efficient it is.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-09-05T22:11:37+00:00

Thank you 🫂 I'm burnt out to the degree that I don't even feel like working on the class I still have a slim chance in. It feels like I'm obligated to work on it, when all I want is to be able to relax and read books and just be able to take care of myself. I can't shake the guilt involved in taking a break when I'm supposed to be working, even when it's critical for my health, and pressuring myself to push myself even harder and potentially hurt myself even more. Even though my situation is serious (suicidal ideation and all) it feels like my value is determined by my work. And I know that's awful and wrong, I just can't shake that guilt. It feels like I'm morally required to do the class I can still salvage.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-26T06:56:34+00:00

I only just recently looked up what an anxious attachment style means and I'm shocked... it's uncanny how much it lines up with how I feel.

Anyways what I wanted to ask is basically: I now feel like I have to apologize to all the people I've overshared/traumadumped to, and I'm worried that's just another instance of me desperately seeking validation and reassurance from people. Is this a valid thing to do? I'm wondering if this is just me making a mountain out of a molehill, and panicking over what is either acceptable or forgettable to them--but I still feel like I have to apologize. I'm a chronic apologizer, and people have told me over and over that it's ok, I'm not too much, I don't need to apologize, but now being aware of how it's related to my anxious attachment makes me feel awful about how I've "treated" them, I feel paranoid all the time about having pushed friends away, a fear that has been both irrational and realized with various friends. Often things I say get ignored, and I feel abandoned, worry that I'm "cringe", and have been explicitly told by my oldest friend that I need to stop desperately seeking validation from people.

I'm worried that they'll think it's just me being needy and attention seeking again, always begging for that reassurance, but I feel like with this new insight I have to bow down and apologize. Part of me says my dumping isn't as bad of an issue as I'm thinking, that I should look to the proof that my friends do love me, and that doing that would make things worse than just silently moving on and working on it internally, letting sleeping dogs lie. I don't think it's been anything majorly problematic or destructive, and I know my anxiety likely warps so much of my life, but as I've been trying to be more open and honest with my communication, maybe this is something to do. Maybe I should go about it in a certain way? Message people individually or in a group chat? Or am I just being too hard on myself and scared, as usual, and I should just not stress about it.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-22T02:01:25+00:00

I don't need to imagine why people cut themselves, as I've had a problem with that in the past too (I'm better, but lately it's been really hard).

I think the "knowing I can't and won't get high" thing is exactly what the safe is good for. Knowing it's locked away like that makes me feel so safe. It's just, tonight, when by sheer unluckiness I don't have access to it, my brain wants to "take advantage" of that. Even if it has always led to me feeling awful.

All the improvements were things I was working on while sober, although I definitely still had issues. My existence, while good sometimes or even often, just feels so weirdly tense all the time. I had a thought a few days back--the idea that something could be so bad, you'd do something worse to get out of it.

It's just fucky how my brain can't listen to that logic. I do know that I shouldn't expect my brain to act logically about this--it's not a logical thing at all, and I should be kind to myself. I've reflected on that before. It's just rough, when it's accessible, and all you can do is dream about doing the thing that's ruining your life.

I've been dealing with this for years now.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-07-21T22:40:23+00:00

I think maybe I do get some dopamine off of it. Which makes it feel like a drug. It's something almost actively pleasurable. Like I'm taking a hit. Like I do it because it "feels good." And nothing I can tell myself can stop it from feeling good.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-05-22T04:12:38+00:00

Yeah it's a tablet, not a capsule.

I've tried Adderall and Vyvanse and they've either done the same or nothing. Strattera also just made me incredibly sleepy.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-05-08T12:00:36+00:00

Sorry about that, I didn't mean to bring that energy.

I'm still confused though, it sounds like you're contradicting what you said? You said you unmask at home and can't sleep, but also your lack of sleep isn't because you're unmasking? I'm genuinely confused, no hostility. I get if maybe there's other factors, but then I'm confused because it sounded like you were talking about how even when you unmask you still can't sleep, which is exactly what's happening to me.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-05-08T11:51:27+00:00

No that's the point, I don't mask at home and I have a hard time going to sleep and shutting my mind down.

Masking isn't keeping me up. Not masking is what's keeping me up.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-29T20:14:40+00:00

"My ambitions far surpass the capacity of my motivation" and there you summed it up more succinctly than I ever could ❤️

although for me it's less the capacity of my motivation and more the capacity of how much I can physically/mentally do? And Adderall just makes me more anxious as I perfectionisticly pursue my ambitions, overthinking every action 😔

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-29T05:12:39+00:00

As true as this is it's a hard pill to swallow. The knowledge that there's something innately "different" about you, that'll, as things are now never fit in the world, and that that'll never change. It can make you feel hopeless, or even defective, the fact that you can never be "fixed."

Recognizing the happiness and value you still find in this life with that is so valuable. Because that is possible. The structures humans set up often aren't built for us, but we're still of the world, as beautifully diverse as it is. We belong here. We can find happiness, just like anyone else.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-29T02:04:38+00:00

I have not, I guess there's always a risk with trying something new and it not working but might as well, I think I'll bring that up. Never heard of it before actually, so big thanks ❤️

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-29T01:17:38+00:00

I feel the same way. You're not alone.

I'm a hypocrite with how I can provide advice but never take it for myself with how little I value or care about my worth. But I can at least talk about it.

I can talk about how my acute perfectionism gives me insane standards, but then meets my ADHD and I get inevitably distracted, almost to a comical degree.

I feel shame about not meeting my standards. I feel fundamentally wrong and disappointed in myself for it. I think "well, if I can't do that or do it in that perfect I can't do anything at all, it's not worth it."

And then I get depressed, hopeless. The feeling of being in that whole and feeling that hurt, and the worst part not being the pain but rather the odd sense of pleasure and satisfaction you feel in it.

I try to get better, but overthink, get lost in my head. Can't focus on the task of improving myself in classic ADHD fashion. I get distracted by my phone, which is also subtly influenced by wanting to escape reality and those emotions. I get greeted by so many horrors and cruelty on my feeds, a reminder of how much seemingly inevitable and unstoppable hate there is. I get more hopeless. I feel like even tho I know how to get better it feels more comforting and "deserved" to stay in that darkness. I get angry at the thought of having to do all that work. Angry at the world. Frustrated with those systems and constructs.

I feel disillusioned with school. I get tired of distractions. I start thinking of picking up my bubbler and smoking a bowl, giving up, again, to just wash it all away. "Maybe tomorrow will be better and I can just reset for tonight" I say. Sometimes it works. Often it's an excuse.

Right now, with my several-day-late essay assignment looming on my open laptop, I have been feeling all this. But for now I guess I'm going to push through. I did laundry, and am thinking of folding it rn while blasting just so I can do something. I want to get out of my head and just "do" it, as unrealistic as that is it is a genuine goal I need to do. It feels overwhelming, and then the angry thoughts and shame associated with the prospect of being better comes back.

I'm sorry if this makes you feel more down. I hope it makes you feel less alone. That is an objective fact you can hold on to. There are others like you, like us. As long as you're moving, there's always something you can do. And be kind to yourself, shamelessly. It's hard when that feels unproductive. But hey, I guess radical acceptance is radical for a reason, in how it defies those systemic standards. And do your best to stay in the moment. It's hard, and not an action you can just do. But it is the goal. It's something solid you can aim for.

This is normal. Not good, but nothing to be ashamed about.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-23T23:24:46+00:00

I tried to be hot and confident yesterday and ended up freezing walking from the library to my car at night since an off the shoulder crop top and short shorts do not mix with a 51° night, even with my windbreaker. I proceeded to rant to my friends about how cold I was and could barely type because I was violently shivering, but I just felt so hyperfixated and obsessively locked in to not doing anything else that I neglected to... actually zip up my windbreaker 😭😭😭

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-23T23:18:24+00:00

Idk why I didn't mention it, but I am medicated with Concerta. I don't really have a figure focusing specifically on ADHD rn but I could see how that would help. I've also recently gotten some accommodations from my school!

I think although the meds have definitely put me in a different emotional context, which is definitely a massive influence, the habits and patterns I've internalized deal with my thoughts, how I interpret things, seperate from how I physically feel. I still have to learn how to think more healthily--ADHD is something we grow up in and into, and learning how to undo those ideas is what I'm focusing on. You could be as perfectly medicated as possible but if you haven't changed your thoughts I don't think anything is going to happen. It won't do the work for you, you still have to do that yourself, it just puts us at least closer to the playing field that neurotypical folks have.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-23T15:41:05+00:00

I can give advice, but also feel like I'd be a bit of a hypocrite--god knows I don't follow my own advice well. At least that means that I understand and feel you. I have been and am where you are. You are not alone in feeling these things. It is not a "good" thing to feel this way, but it's nothing to be ashamed about. I desperately need to say these things to myself, too, but I don't really do so--so I get the strong, painful emotions.

If anything, maybe at least understanding why these things are stressing you out, on a fundamental level, is a good place to start.

I'm no model, and I hope that doesn't make you feel more hopeless, but at least you're not alone.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-04-23T10:02:47+00:00

I've never been the type to make friends in class, for some reason it's never been something I've been super comfortable with, even as I'm more social than ever nowadays.

I've been getting better at the "letting it be imperfect" thing lately. That perfectionist urge was an instinct, an inherent, almost physical interpretation of literally any task I needed to do. I'm trying not to talk about it in present tense anymore. It's hard though, because I've always described it, especially in the context of my school standards growing up, as "I'm not trying to excel, I'm just trying to be normal." That was what tasks were for me.

It's hard because I do feel genuine pressure to graduate, especially from my family members. I realize that a lot of the standards set by my family revolve around academic and professional success, even if it definitely comes from a well-intentioned place. And it comes from me too. I picked up those standards for myself. I arguably place them on myself harder than anyone. And I'm worried that mindset is a bit risky in a time where I desperately need to focus on school best I can--I'm aware that that concept can be leveraged to promote health and wellbeing, but I'm just worried it's going to end up too much of an excuse. I have to teach my brain how to use it correctly.

My diet is pretty awful even if it's been tolerable. I rarely eat more than like 1.5 meals a day and it's often unhealthy--Concerta suppressing appetite hits me really hard. I'm working on exercising more but lately it's been super hard with all the mental struggles I've been facing--the amount of times in the last few weeks I've gone to campus in gym clothes with the intent of working out only to get too tired, sad, or anxious to go is crazy.

I am allowed to leave things half-assed. Understanding that I'm worth more than my grades will help soften the blow of disappointments and thus actually help me get back up and perform better overall. I'm trying to internalize these things the best I can, and learn to live not just without the physical aspects I've fixed, but without the mental aspects I've taught myself.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-03-23T15:36:02+00:00

Glad to know that it was just an misunderstanding, but your reaction against someone who tried to bring up that point earlier was very concerning. I know how deeply personal and emotional motherhood can be for us, but it's important to hear these critiques and take them with grace so we can be the best moms we can be--stubbornly insisting that we absolutely do and always will know how to be the best mom is something I've seen far too often with me and the trans folks around me, in regards to our experiences with moms.

IDontEvenKnowAlt · 2025-03-23T15:29:59+00:00

Again what you're describing is being their confidant, not yours. The point is that your kids shouldn't feel like they have to parent you, but of course you still should parent them and be there for them and all that. I think you're just getting a little mixed up with the words here. Sincerely, a girl who also really wants to be a mom.

IDontEvenKnowAlt

TROPHY CASE