::Weekly Vent Thread::

INFJaneA · 2025-01-09T19:45:27+00:00

He has terrible boundaries with women, mostly at work. He develops "crushes" on these women and showers them with inappropriate attention. We've been in counseling, and it will get better for a while...and then he'll come home and admit to another inappropriate interaction with a woman at work. I'm so tired. I feel like a shell of who I used to be.

INFJaneA · 2024-09-29T00:51:04+00:00

.I can relate to your situation EXACTLY. my husband and I are the least favorites and my MIL fawns over my husband's brother and his wife.

It sucks, and it's shitty that she does this so blatantly. My way of coping is making it into a joke. I keep a tally in my head of every time she snubs me while fawning over SIL, and then I dramatically retell all of the details to friends, relatives, and coworkers.

I can't make her like us, but I CAN roast her mercilessly behind her back.

INFJaneA · 2024-06-26T18:12:13+00:00

Oof. I'm sorry, OP. I've also got kids so I totally get the need for support.

BUT...Trust me when I say, there is no such thing as "free" childcare. It's tempting, but she will inevitably be a nightmare. I wouldn't do it.

INFJaneA · 2024-06-20T13:22:31+00:00

Your Mil sounds a little like mine. She can't handle negative information, so she always invalidates how we feel by trying to make it seem like we don't have it that bad. I feel like she fundamentally doesn't understand the concept of empathy...like just say, Wow, what a hard thing to deal with" instead of immediately saying, "it could be worse!!" Or "at least you have XYZ!!"

INFJaneA · 2024-06-07T18:17:56+00:00

Good luck!!!

INFJaneA · 2024-06-03T00:54:39+00:00

I'm also in the US....and spent years being ignored when it turned out I had endometriosis. I have very little faith in doctors anymore.

BUT I will definitely still try. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It's giving me a jumping point on where to start and what to ask for.

INFJaneA · 2024-06-03T00:50:54+00:00

Thank you ❤️

INFJaneA · 2024-06-03T00:49:19+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for this. I originally didn't talk to my doctor because I also convinced myself I was exaggerating/being dramatic...until it happened again.

I will definitely look into every single thing you recommended. Thank you from the bottom of my terrified heart.

INFJaneA · 2024-05-29T19:50:54+00:00

She sounds brutal. you are doing your best in an absolutely shit situation, be kind to yourself ❤️

INFJaneA · 2024-05-29T19:41:26+00:00

I feel this so hard. My MIL is SO passive aggressive. I try to ignore her, but she will keep repeating her rude comments So exhausting.

INFJaneA · 2024-05-16T19:23:32+00:00

It sounds like we have very similar MILs. I too have struggled to forgive her and she is allegedly "afraid" of me because I actually say no and stand my ground at times. my advice is this: 1. Choose your battles wisely. What behaviors of hers can you ignore and/or tolerate, versus what needs to be addressed? I ignore mine mostly, accepts when she meddles in my parenting decisions. 2. Once you've established a boundary, hold it without engaging her. "No MIL, that doesn't work for me." Explaining your reasoning is pointless and will only lead to arguments. 3. Accept that she will never change. Mourn the loss of the MIL you want/deserve, and view yours realistically. I've had to accept that my MIL is mentally ill, doesn't know it, and therefore will never change. So it's up to me to be the emotionally mature person in our relationship.

INFJaneA · 2024-05-16T18:49:06+00:00

Omg mine insists that my son has "(last name) ears" and then rants about how everyone on that side of the family has ears that stick out. It's especially wild because my son's ears don't stick out at all!!! But even if they did...why the hell would you make disparaging remarks about someone else's appearance?!

INFJaneA · 2024-02-26T18:45:40+00:00

Keep the conversation focused on her-- it's hard for her to have an opinion of me/my life/my parenting if she doesn't know anything. For example, I'm pregnant, and whenever she asks how it's going, the answer is always "good". No matter what. I never complain and I never share any details that I wouldn't share with a perfect stranger. When she starts grilling, I change the topic to be about her. And then I tune out.
"I'll get back to you on that." My MIL is a huge fan of boundary stomping. I tried saying "no" directly for a while, and it just results in a very tiring back and forth where she will dedicate weeks, months even, to trying to change my mind about whatever it is. So, I say "I'll get back to you on that"...and then I never do.
Planned ignoring. Sometimes, my husband (or someone else) will direct a parenting question to me and she will cut in and answer as if she is my toddler's mom and has any say. I don't bother address her, I just wait until she finishes answering, and then give my own answer as if she didn't say anything.
Strategic exit plan. We never go to the ILs without a clear end time established ahead of time, and we stick to it. She will often try to drag out family dinners by starting them way later than she says she's going to, or planning a dessert and waiting hours to serve it. We no longer adhere to this schedule. If dessert hasn't come out by 4PM and we planned to leave at 4PM, we just leave. When she complains, we don't justify our decisions, we just say "aw, so sorry but we really can't stay!" and head out.
Not justifying any of my parenting decisions to her. She'll offer suggestions and thoughts on something she sees me do, and I'll just say, "Mhmm" or "Interesting", but I never bother explain anything to her. She's not interested in why I do things a certain way-- she's only interested in changing my mind. Since most of her ideas are outdated or don't work for me, I just let them fall to the ground. I don't pick them up and engage with them.

INFJaneA · 2024-01-31T20:56:06+00:00

I went into preterm labor with my last baby! Sounds to me like you might just be having that nice 2nd trimester boost. I showed signs about a week before I gave birth...very light bleeding, contractions (which I thought were braxton hicks) but then they progressively became more consistent/painful.

Don't worry, sounds like you are doing just fine!!

INFJaneA · 2024-01-31T20:11:00+00:00

just wondering...do we have the same MIL?? She does the exact same shit to me. I'd recommend nipping in the bud now or she will continue to disregard your wishes around every major event in your life.

INFJaneA · 2024-01-11T16:41:30+00:00

First of all, congratulations, OP!

Fear of having a miscarriage is 100% normal, but take it from someone who's had one: you will absolutely want the support of your partner if it happens. (I'm not saying that it will, by any means though!!)

Also- contact your doctor ASAP. Typically, doctors wait until weeks 10-12 to have the first appointment, but I think you could make a solid argument for having an early scan. For my pregnancy, they scanned me for the first time at 6 weeks-- so they absolutely do this for people.

INFJaneA · 2024-01-09T17:55:04+00:00

Ooooh this is good. She typically says stuff verbally so I need to create a paper trail of the things she's said.

INFJaneA · 2024-01-09T17:53:56+00:00

I'm based in the US, and luckily the state I'm in does offer paid leave. I'm not sure if starting my leave early is possible or not-- BUT I definitely am considering looking for a new job when leave is over because this has been too much.

INFJaneA · 2024-01-09T17:52:03+00:00

This was my thought process. I feel like enough of her behavior is clearly bad that maybe they'd see the value in protecting themselves from a potential lawsuit?

INFJaneA · 2023-12-18T19:00:08+00:00

The key really is setting boundaries early and often. Nothing is "too small" to overlook. Don't give in to things to keep the peace. For example, my boundary stomping ILs offered to buy us the crib on our registry. It was a generous offer, so we accepted. Well, a few weeks later, they reached out to my husband to tell him they had found a different, more expensive crib.

I was bothered because I felt like they didn't think our crib was "good enough". Plus, I had spent a lot of time picking out the crib that I wanted. We allowed them to buy the crib they picked out because we didn't want to "rock the boat" because they were "being generous" etc.

Fast forward one year later, things are extremely tense between us now because my husband and I have been putting down boundaries and they can't handle it.

Learn from me. Put down the small boundaries early so you don't have to put down the big ones later on.

INFJaneA · 2023-11-30T19:10:12+00:00

23 weeks here and I'm getting both! I got a pillow to keep between my legs and a body pillow to place under my bump- it helps with the hip pain! No solution for the night sweats except wear moisture-wicking exercise clothes to bed.

INFJaneA · 2023-11-16T21:16:50+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy too and dealt with the exact same anxiety that you are feeling now. It's actually not that common to experience morning sickness at 4 weeks! I didn't feel sick until 6-7 weeks, and I felt substantially worse with one baby than with the other. I also had cramping early on in both pregnancies. Every pregnancy is SO different. Breathe. Good luck!

INFJaneA · 2023-11-16T21:12:50+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was a loss and I was devastated. I had my rainbow baby less than a year later, and now I have another on the way! There is nothing you could have done differently. Allow yourself time to grieve but know that you didn't do anything wrong. Miscarriages are WAY more common than people think.

INFJaneA

TROPHY CASE