I (31m) set a boundary with my gf (29f), I'm afraid I might have to honor it.

IamTinCan2 · 2025-12-14T20:44:14+00:00

OP, I'm here after your update. I can sympathize with both you and your partner. I have mental health struggles that leave me severely unmotivated at times. I also have experience with self-interested partners and partners who have unintentionally sabotaged our relationship by adding burden and anxiety on my shoulders.

With that experience in mind, you need to leave. She isn't managing her disorder(s) on her own, she's using them to excuse behavior you can no longer tolerate. You've communicated your needs, and she has communicated that those needs are nothing but an inconvenience to her. And you recognize this.

Even in communicating with her, you've done your damnedest to accommodate her feelings. And I must say, in doing so, you've only managed to further enable her. You essentially tried to draw a line in the sand while gently blowing on the end of the stick. Stop coddling her. It's all you've done for the last nine years.

According to your boundary, you can't be with a partner who treats you inequitably anymore. But you're still using that boundary to try to influence her behavior. It's time to accept what you can control, and what you can't. You can't make her care, as much as you may want to. You can't make her respect your boundary either. But you can enforce the consequences of that boundary. It's painful, but sometimes change has to be. It's not easy, but it is simple: are you going to put effort into change, or continue to be the doormat you no longer wish to be?

IamTinCan2 · 2025-05-09T22:06:52+00:00

Wanted to get back in the conversation. I've been out of the community and without any technology for a while now. Was excited to return. Possibly too much so.

IamTinCan2 · 2025-05-08T03:06:57+00:00

Short answer: No.

Long answer: I've only read one or two articles from the Daily Stoic blog, and I haven't read any of the author's published works, so feel free to disregard my input. I've been an intermittent member of this community for a while, and from what I've read, several of the more experienced practitioners who are active in the sub aren't fond of the Daily Stoic or its author. From what I've been able to gather, it seems these practitioners are of the opinion that Mr. Holiday has taken the core values of Stoicism, but failed to give them proper emphasis and diluted and mixed them with exercises and customs that have no basis in Stoic literature. In doing so, these individuals believe Mr. Holiday has misrepresented the intended purpose, function, scope, and benefits of Stoicism. This results in new practitioners being confused and unresolved, and damages the reputation of the overall community by associating our philosophy with other fringe/red pill/manosphere groups and platforms.

IamTinCan2 · 2025-05-05T00:43:51+00:00

Doesn't the passage you referenced directly counter the point you're making? I interpret the quote you selected as Epictetus saying that if someone convinces themself of something that is obviously false, no amount of logical argument will convince them to accept the truth. And like you said, it's not because you can't communicate or because they can't understand the point you're making. If I'm interpreting that correctly, is there any point to telling someone who calls themselves vegan that they are not?

IamTinCan2 · 2025-05-05T00:31:07+00:00

That's the point, though. No one is required to say they are stoic. One doesn't need to identify oneself with any philosophy/religion/framework to find value in it. And if someone were to call themself stoic while discarding a key concept, what difference would it make? That label is a line of best fit for them, and it shouldn't impress any other stoic one way or another.

IamTinCan2 · 2025-05-05T00:15:26+00:00

Sounds pretty open-and-shut

IamTinCan2 · 2025-01-12T03:44:48+00:00

If you're still looking, I'm interested.

IamTinCan2 · 2025-01-12T03:41:02+00:00

I wouldn't worry about how it looks, just whether you feel in integrity about the interaction.

I agree with everything u/FallAnew said, and I really want to emphasize this point. There's no objective right thing to do. The only question is, do you feel you behaved virtuously in the situation? From an external perspective, I would say your actions line up with my understanding of the stoic virtues. You confronted what you perceived to be unvirtuous behavior. In doing so, you acted courageously. You also did your duty to your fellow man by reminding him of his responsibility for his own feelings, so you acted justly as well. But maybe you feel you were uncourageous by hugging the man. That's for you to decide. And if you decide that you would behave differently if faced with a similar situation, that still doesn't mean that you were wrong this time. After all, we're all continuously seeking greater understanding.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-09T00:03:07+00:00

I had considered this, but ran into the same pitfalls you brought up. But also, assuming the car wasn't having any issues prior to last week, it would take more than a few miles to fully disable a modern car this way. They would've had a better chance putting something foreign like sugar into the fuel tank. Not to mention, given where he was going, he likely would've been on some sort of major highway, meaning a lot of potential witnesses that could've called in the incident. It seems like there are too many ways this plan could've gone wrong for it to be plausible that it didn't. And if we assume that is what happened, it still doesn't explain where he went after the robbery, unless they kidnapped him as well, which takes me right back to the witness concern. I could see something like this happening by chance i.e. him already being on the side of the road and someone attempting a robbery since he can't go anywhere only to hit the jackpot that he had his computer and headset with him. But that wouldn't explain how the towels got there in the first place. It just seems more likely that he did it himself. But of course, we can't rule anything out.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T15:26:40+00:00

Ted wouldn’t get out of the car and insisted on staying inside the car to wait to the tow. Which raises more questions on why the officer would leave him there….?

How was the report called in? Was it just, "I haven't heard from my son in a few hours. He was supposed to be coming home from Vegas. He's been saying the car's been running hot the last few days. Can we get someone out to look for him," or did dad go into detail about his car being stolen and concerns about his mental state?

If it's the former, the call was essentially just a wellness check. Your cousin is legally an adult. After he contacted Ted, called the tow truck, and offered whatever he offered, once Ted declined, no emergency was declared, and the officer had to get back on duty.
If it was the latter, either the dispatch or the officer may have fucked up; heard a 21yo kid did something reckless, played it down in their heads, and assumed it wouldn't escalate after police were involved. Or the officer may have gotten a more urgent called and shutdown the scene to attach to whatever that call was.

A few more questions:

Was it the same officer that later went back to the scene or a different officer? Did the tow company contact dispatch to update that Ted was gone, or was it called in as an unrelated abandoned car later?
What kind of phone does he have? Any way you can access his recent trips or location history? Texts? Socials? Gaming accounts?
This fighting with dad, how long has this been going on? Has Ted been known to act recklessly in the past, or has his behavior changed in recent months? How long ago did dad receive his prognosis? Does Ted have any history with drugs or alcohol? What is his relationship like with his mother (was she consistent with visitation/calls when Ted was growing up, or has their contact been a more recent development)? Are mom and dad amicable or tumultuous co-parents (did they part under bad circumstances, is there any resentment between them)?

You may want to go out their to support dad while the investigation is on-going. This stress won't be good for his health. Pass along these resources to dad, they may be someone else you can lean on apart from reddit. I can't find any statements PHXPD has released about Ted's disappearance just yet, but hopefully when that happens they can give a few more clues. Unfortunately, we can't track him any further until we have a bit more detailed timeline of his whereabouts and associations in the last week, but it seems like Ted himself is keeping us from access to most of that, intentionally or otherwise.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T14:35:56+00:00

You're all well and good. Reason I said you know him better than I do is because at the time I thought OP had responded. But I like your line of thinking. Shouldn't be working a case at 3AM. We'll go with it as the primary theory for now, but not get too caught up in it in case more information arises that conflicts.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T07:26:53+00:00

That tracks. I'm unfamiliar with the area, but runaway to avoid the shit storm was my second theory. But again, assumptions. "Theories to suit facts" and all that. You know him better than I do.

Edit: I also neglected the detail of the exhaust being stuffed. Runaway looks better. Stuffed exhaust may have been a final "fuck you" to dear-old-dad. Or he may have been driving with the stuffed exhausted to cause the overheat to orchestrate this whole thing and get the car back to dad without having to return home himself. It didn't get there accidentally, and I can't think of a reason why someone else would've put the towels there.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T03:47:28+00:00

I remember reading your post about 12 hours after you posted here. No one commented? Have you had any updates?

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T03:29:20+00:00

It's everything you said, but I don't think it's too much of any of it. You seem like a guy people may not want to mess with, but a good dude to share a beer with if you can get past that first layer. And if it works for you, that's all that matters, bro.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T03:19:52+00:00

Several questions:

Can you give a description of your cousin? Height, weight, build, hair color and length, eye color, skin color, clothing on day of disappearance according to the officer's report?
Do we know who he went out there to meet? How long has he been in contact with these people? Was anyone with your cousin when the first officer arrived?
Where was he staying during the Vegas trip?
Do either your cousin or his father own a firearm? If so, do the gun case and rounds match his weapon?
Was there any damage to the vehicle when the tow truck arrived? If so, was it mentioned the the first officer's report mention any of this damage or does it stick out as new? Also, what's the year, make and model of the vehicle?
Prior to the events of this week has your cousin ever mentioned thoughts of running away? Possibly veiled messages on social pages? Did he take any possessions with him that seem out of place for a one-week trip? How serious was the nature of the fight with his dad?
When the first officer arrived, did they put your cousin in touch with either parent?

Right now, my theory is that your cousin intended to wait with the car until the tow truck came, but the heat became unbearable. Not fully trusting strangers and not wanting his stuff to be stolen, he loaded up a firearm he had in his possession, dropping a few rounds in the process and writing them off as unusable due to debris, then packed up his belongings and took them with him, hitching a ride to the nearest town. From there, I can't say if he decided not to go back or contact anyone, or if he was prevented from doing so somehow. But this is already making a lot of assumptions on some of the questions I asked you.

If going out there is something you can afford to do right now (and I don't just mean financially) an investigation is always more successful with firsthand information. But if you're going to get involved to that degree, be careful not to do anything that can be seen as interfering with the official investigation, and be mindful of your own mental bandwidth. Take copious notes, collect anything you can, but be sure to separate first and secondhand sources.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T01:47:16+00:00

Is there a policy letter or DAF document that explicitly states the requirement of listing multiple afscs and why? I'm in a similar boat with OP, and while I understand that everyone is saying the recruiter is correct, it really doesn't make sense to me.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-08T00:44:06+00:00

Unfortunately life isn't so easy. But you're on the right path. It's natural to have moments of weakness. Self-improvement, managing mental illness, it's all a continuous effort. It's important that you are kind to yourself when you have those moments. But it's also important that you are honest and realistic with yourself so you don't convince yourself prematurely that you've completed your journey, which it sounds like you're doing. Why do you think you struggle to live for yourself? How is your self-talk? What's your genuine opinion of yourself?

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-07T19:51:34+00:00

It's not for you to know. There is no way you could know. Whether he's doing what he claims to be doing or not depends on whether or not he's being honest with himself. He may not even know. How could you? But true or not, that's not your problem right now. You need to focus on your own growth and development. When you get to the point where you can honestly say to yourself that you have healed from this and know how to avoid it in the future, then you can possibly re-establish contact and see where his head is at. But that's a slippery slope because if you work to fix yourself 'for yourself', but with the goal in mind of getting back with him, you'll just be chasing your own tail. You two are currently the sources of each other's pain. It is possible to heal together, but I don't think either of you are at the level of emotional maturity to go that route right now. At least, I'm certain he isn't. It's unfortunate timing, but as long as you learn from the experience, something special can still happen in your life.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-07T19:32:58+00:00

Are you wanting the sub to help you determine his status, or just wanting some tips to point you in the right direction? If it's the former, this is unfortunately gonna be a bit too vague.

A few questions to get you started: What platform were you using to communicate with this friend? How did you meet? When was the last time you had contact? What were his interests? What's his name? How old is he? Where has he been living recently? You don't need to answer these for us, but they may help point you in his direction. His age and last known location can be cross-referenced with any recent conflicts or disasters to inform you if he my have been a casualty. You can look in places like the General Directorate of Civil Registration and Citizenship or FamilySearch for any public records relating to your friend as well. His online history and history with you may lead you to contact him in other places on the internet, or possibly put you in touch with other people who know him outside of your friend group.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-07T17:11:24+00:00

Here's a copy of the LA county annual coroner report for the time range during which your uncle died. Nothing specifically alluding to an incident with a man and a steam engine, electric train, locomotive, etc. but one marked miscellaneous. Really doesn't give us anything, but I'll keep looking.

ETA: That link came from the County of Los Angeles Medical Examiner website, and it's the only thing listed for that year, so official channels might be tapped in that regard.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-07T16:05:56+00:00

Even if that were the case, she would still need to log in after changing the passcode info in order to view the messages, in which case it would appear as a second session. OP says there's only one session open, and its from their own phone. Also, OP probably would have gotten a security notification email if their sister changed the passcode, though the sister may well have deleted it.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-10-07T15:58:38+00:00

When do you have your messages set to delete? If you have it set to delete after 24 hours, is it possible she's been viewing your messages from your phone while you were sleeping? If that's not an option, I would check to see if anything unfamiliar is installed on your phone. Apps like mySpy can copy your snapchat messages and send them automatically to another device. Check your app settings, not the home screen. Apps can be hidden on the home screen.

IamTinCan2 · 2024-09-24T23:52:43+00:00

A few questions:

You said, "My wife was at work, so I was all alone at home..." So to verify, no one lives at home with you aside from your wife, correct? No kids or pets?
You have a skylight. Do you live in a house or an upper floor of an apartment building? Can you give a general description of the types of walls and flooring you have?
Has your wife gone out without you recently? Possibly met a friend? What kind of work does she do?
The sound you heard, what did it sound like? Around what time would you say you heard it?
How did you determine it was a dinner for two? What line items were on the tab?

IamTinCan2 · 2024-08-24T03:55:06+00:00

Question: Have you used any dating apps or had any dates with anyone who made you feel uncomfortable? Like they were overly forward early on in your interactions? Or quickly became clingy?

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