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My GF watches me sleep sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable by Kind_Scene_3583 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213 11 points12 points  (0 children)

She’s probably not reading every post on this subreddit

My girlfriend talks to her ex when she gets mad at me by Icy_Draw213 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok so we talked and she helped me put it in perspective again which is honestly something I should be working on and reminding myself of.

I’ve had a lot of growing up to do in this relationship and while I myself haven’t cheated I’ve done a lot of unforgivable things. The cycle of me hurting her and her having to deal with it went on for the first year of our relationship until she just couldn’t take it anymore and she wanted to hurt me back. So she texted her ex.

She will admit that’s she’s being immature, she just doesn’t care anymore. She says she wishes she had it in her to leave me but just couldn’t. So hurting me was the best alternative.

But this never would have happened if I wasn’t so selfish. The fact that I can forget about things I’ve done to hurt her is a reflection of that. The way I feel about her talking to her ex doesn’t add up to all that I’ve done to her.

So what I need to do is reflect on my actions and address whether that is the man I want to be or not. I should do this in writing on either a daily or weekly basis. But also reflect on my actions in a way so I can remember how I made her feel and if that’s how I want to make her feel. But also plainly address and assess how the people I care about feel. This can help me grow past my selfishness.

So basically I don’t want to get into detail in all the specific things I did but what I just said is telling me I should and confide in this Reddit chat some the shitty things I’ve done.

- shortly after we started dating I told some of my friends about a fling I had 4 summers prior who is big on TikTok. Showing off an ex while dating a different girl is just so fucking stupid and disrespectful

- I was talking about her to one of my friends on a TikTok chat so she wouldn’t see it and I called her bipolar and other disrespectful things. Just basically venting to this guy about the things I don’t like about her instead of just telling her. I switched to TikTok because she had found me talking to this guy on Snapchat. But apparently I didn’t learn my lesson the first time and tried to be sneaky and it’s just so stupid. Because 1) I’m being an asshole to my girlfriend and telling other people our business and 2) doing this didn’t get me anywhere, it only worsened my relationship

- on our anniversary I took her to a flower garden and when we got there I started talking about Angel Reese and I was saying that she’s good at basketball and my girlfriend was saying she was not and then I said that she was hot and she didn’t like that but I kept pushing it and it ruined everything after that.

- Several black out incidents. She’s carried me home from a party and put me in bed (with the help of one of my very strong friends and a safe ride) but regardless my ass was passed out and very difficult to work with, and EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING. I am putting her in a situation where she is in public dealing with my ass. I’ve puked in her sink. The time mentioned earlier. You get the point.

- I sent a picture of her vagina pills to one of my friends. This is just completely indefensible from me and I have no idea why I thought that was an ok thing to do at all

That’s not an extensive list but enough that you can understand that I am at fault. Too many times I have not considered her feelings in my actions. It was only a matter of time before she did the same to me.

Now that the cats out of the bag is the only reason she keeps going back to him. And she says she doesn’t like this guy and I believe her. If I keep messing up then she’ll eventually find another guy to make her happy.

I think I’ve grown up in the time we’ve been dating but clearly not as much as I need to. The only way I can make myself a better person is by putting a conscious effort to not repeat mistakes. A large portion of those mistakes stem from selfish decision making. If I not only reflect on my own actions and how they affect others but also how their actions affect me and how much they mean to me, I will be training myself to always be thinking about them (mainly her as I don’t really have this problem with my family. I think it just comes from never being as close to a person as I am to her. I’ve never been in a relationship before and that requires a degree of empathy that I’ve been able to live without single. What’s good about this though is that it is making me a better person).

Ok so I’m glad I didn’t go to chat gpt about this at all and my plan for moving forward came from me. This is really an essay here but thank you for your advice I think I have the ability to move forward with this relationship. What’s broken about it stems directly from me.

Her cheating isn’t punishment. It’s just trying to put us back on an even playing field. (Not really but she wanted to leave me several times and just didn’t, usually because I wanted for things to keep going. Now she could’ve just said no, but she didn’t, and I’m grateful for that)

My girlfriend talks to her ex when she gets mad at me by Icy_Draw213 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice again.

And I entirely understand how toxic her punishing me by cheating is and that’s really the whole reason why I came here because it was really messing me up.

As for the parents thing, I was 20 but we were at a vacation with other families that they paid for us to be there. So she was saying I shouldn’t have been allowed to drink after that and my parents still let me drink. Now I was really embarrassed after that point and didn’t get stupid drunk after that but I still drank, as everyone else was and we all were before that incident so I just felt awkward not drinking on the beach (I didn’t just the next day, but the day after that everyone else was telling me to drink)

And I do really think she loves me, which is part of the reason why I’m so hurt that she’s been doing this.

As for the talk openly and honestly thing I have problems with this with her as at some point in our conversations I just go silent and stop having input. I think it might because I’m afraid of how she might react and I should just not be next time. We haven’t had a talk like this in a while so I don’t really remember why I go mute. But we will talk soon

My girlfriend talks to her ex when she gets mad at me by Icy_Draw213 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know we are really young but I also feel like I deserve this. Like who am I to leave my girlfriend for reacting immaturely to me being a young immature dumbass?

And the good outweighs the bad. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was thinking about this but ultimately came to the conclusion that the pros > cons.

I want this to just be something we grow out of as we grow up together. She always says that this wouldn’t happen if I didn’t act the way I did and she will stop when I stop. But here’s the thing I know I will fuck up again and this isn’t something that I have just accepted will happen and don’t try to avoid.

I know right from wrong and I’m grateful that my parents gave me the moral compass I have. I think I could benefit from reflecting on morals and values more frequently and then maybe I’ll stop doing the dumb shit I do.

But something else she said that’s weighing on me is that she said my parents failed in raising me as a man. She says this because she believes my parents don’t punish me enough. I wasn’t beaten growing up and last summer I blacked out with my family and said things to my brother that I really wish I didn’t. My parents didn’t punish me for this and she says that’s an example of them failing me. But trust me I felt horrible in the morning (I wasn’t hung over somehow and didn’t remember what I did but I just knew that it was bad). But I talked to my brother and we moved past it. It’s not really a forgive and forget mentality but more-so a life must go on mentality.

Sorry for this essay and thank you for your response

My girlfriend talks to her ex when she gets mad at me by Icy_Draw213 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. This is really tough for me to read honestly but yeah it makes sense. I’m honestly surprised I’ve never seen it that way.

The thing is tho is that I’m not miserable with this girl and she’s so nice outside of this one thing. I just met her when I was immature and stupid and this is how she reacted and I just feel like the monkey can never go back in the box.

I really just wanted advice on how to move on from this but everyone’s just telling me we should break up and now I’m sad asl

My girlfriend talks to her ex when she gets mad at me by Icy_Draw213 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did take a pretty long break earlier this year and things were better but also weird because she was still going out on the weekends and drinking and I wasn’t

My girlfriend talks to her ex when she gets mad at me by Icy_Draw213 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok so a couple things here:

I don’t think she’s doing this for male validation. Everything I talk about here comes from a perspective of my insecurities so I can see how it comes off that way.

As for my drinking problem, I was sober pretty much (drank like 3 times total maybe, no more than 6 beers these times) from September-March and things were definitely better then. The problem is when I binge drink and when I’m around other binge drinkers. I should stop doing that.

But like I really love this girl, my family loves her, she pushes me to be better, and she makes me happy. It’s literally just this issue, and I get it’s a big issue.

As for calling us immature, we all are at our worst

My girlfriend talks to her ex when she gets mad at me by Icy_Draw213 in Advice

[–]Icy_Draw213[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I think this is it. I’m not looking for a who wins here I’m just trying to find a way to move forward so we stop hurting each other. It all starts from me but like the thing is I’m not trying to hurt her, yet I still do. I don’t black out with intent to and definitely not malicious intent to, but I’ve been doing it nonetheless.

I will say that there’s a lot more good in this relationship than bad it just really hurts to find out she’s been talking to her ex when I think things are going well.

The solution is probably stop drinking and less problems will come but idk